The Cannonball Read: Entry 18 - "King Dork" by Frank Portman

September 1st is here, and the Cannonball Read is only eight days away from being finished. Seeing as I doubt that I'll be able to finish "The Lightning Thief" by Sept. 9th, this is pretty much considered the last of my reviews for series 1. Nevertheless, it's been an honor and a priviliege to be a part of such a wonderous literary road race.

As usual, if anyone has suggestions, requests, or dedications, feel free to post them on the Comments Board. Also, for the uninitiated, here's where to go for all the background you need on this epic quest, http://www.pajiba.com/cannonball-read.htm .

A very hearty special thanks goes to Brian Prisco for allowing me, and all the others, to participate in this clusterfuck of literary wonderment. Another special thanks goes to Hachette Book Group for letting me be a guinea pig for their literary wares. It's thanks to these forces of bookishness that I've been sane through some tough shit this year. I'd also like to preemptively thank a new friend, Hard Case Crime, for giving me review copies of some of their books. They'll be a definite part of Round 2, should a Round 2 be announced.

One would assume that Round 2 will start here, as Round 1 had before it: http://gospelaccordingtoprisco.wordpress.com/choose-your-weapon-the-combatants/

And now, the final review of Series 1, King Dork.

I forget how, but somehow I stumbled on the title King Dork on Pajiba and decided it was at least worth a shot. Before reading it though, I told myself I had to read The Catcher in the Rye. I'm glad I did, because knowledge of The Catcher in the Rye is definitely something you're going to want when reading this book. It is referenced, mocked, paralleled, and eventually vindicated, depending on how you look at it.

The story of King Dork, much like Catcher, focuses on a teenage boy who thinks he's above the norm and can see past the veil of normalcy. Thomas Henderson (aka, Chi-Mo) lost his father at an early age, due to a car accident. His mother is a bit spacy, his step father is out of touch, and his sister is a queen bitch in training. His main coping mechanism with life as a teenage outcast? Musical endeavours with his best friend, Sam. Their high school lives are nothing more than dodging bullies, ogling girls, questioning creepy academic professionals, and changing their band name about every two weeks or so.

As if Thomas's life couldn't get any more mixed up, he becomes involved in two quests that may or may not be intertwined. The first is an effort to track down this girl, Fiona, whom he made out with at a party. The second is to decode some sort of coded message system scattered through his father's teenage library, which happens to contain a copy of Catcher in the Rye. The main weight of the book is within these quests, but some of the load is also carried by Tom's ever evolving interactions with his own family. This book, at least from the pull quotes in the back, seems to be trying to set itself apart from "the Catcher Cult", but in fact it aligns itself ever so perfectly as a successor to its throne.

This book reads as if it were "Catcher 2.0", and like it or not Thomas Henderson is the new Holden Caufield; Suburbia is just as soul crushingly lonely as New York; and instead of missing a brother, he misses his father. The music's changed, but the tune is very similar. It's not that King Dork is a bad book, it's actually entertaining and pretty funny at times. It's just that it's hard to identify with the protagonist, who sometimes comes off as a little too Juno-esque for his own good. Also, he uses acronyms a little too much, which makes it easy to find yourself flipping back a couple pages to try and decipher what the hell he's talking about. Which, one would think, is a good way of separating the two factions of the audience: teenagers who read this and the parents who are trying to understand them. You either get it, and you eat a book like this up over the course of a couple days...or you don't, and you wade through it for a couple months. (Or, more applicable in this case, you fall smack dab in the middle and you take a couple weeks.)

Then, of course, there's the central mystery of Thomas's father. It has a decent build up, decent followthrough, but in the end it just muddles itself into obscurity. Which is a shame, because it starts to ramp back up towards the end of the book, after being dropped a little in the middle section. That ramp up, however, leads to nothing. It should be noted that this is Portman's first book, but that's still not a complete excuse for what could have happened here. On the "First Book" spectrum, it's smack dab in the middle of the best ("Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone") and the worst ("Twilight"). It's mildly entertaining, and I'd highly recommend it for teenagers. Parents, on the other hand, just won't understand.

And now, in honor of King Dork, I'd like to share some punk band names that I've created myself:

- Crock Pot Abortion (thanks to Revolutionary Road)

- Marshmallow FUCK! (a yell of frustration while shopping for s'mores supplies)

- Muppet Death Threat (a thought that occured one day after thinking about Elmo)

- Sister Mary Francis and the Cocksucking Extravaganza (special thanks to my brother Nick for the second part of the name)

Next Time: The Lightning Thief (Book 1 of Percy Jackson and the Olympians) by Rick Riordan

Apologies for the Delays...

I'm sorry I've been tardy. I have part III of The Last Temptation of James Cameron to start/finish, I have a new Cannonball Read review to finish off the first year of competition, and I have a video for you all to watch. Until those first two things get done, enjoy the last!

The Last Temptation of James Cameron, Part II

(This is Part II of a three part series. Here's Part I, and here's the prequel of sorts.)

I said yesterday, as our technology for making movies has progressed, so has our technology for making people aware of said movies. With the advent of the Internet, advanced reviews are easier to circulate, information can travel faster, and if you have a Smartphone with email capability, you can snap photos on set and transmit them to Harry Knowles himself. The movie going public demand a certain level of insider access to film productions, and as such you have everything from spy reports to misdirecting comments from directors, thanks to the likes of Ain't It Cool News. In the beginning it was easier, but nowadays it's much much harder (or so it seems) to keep a production under wraps. If you want your movie to be kept secret, it's going to need legal measures, which are easily circumvented if you have a clever pseudonym that shrouds your identity in anonymity.

It is this need for insider access that has evolved the movie making business into what it is today. The industry has accelerated in pace to the point where there's more releases in quicker timeframes, and this combined with that need for more information becomes the need for more product. Quicker timeframes mean less time to promote a film, which means more bombs/under appreciated gems, which means more crap films/bigger DTV outlets, etc. All of these factors have made teaser materials into a necessity instead of a luxury. People have become more informed and involved in the film promotion process that it's gotten to the point where it's difficult not to start promoting something from it's earliest stages of conception. People have come to expect concept art and a quick little tease as to what exactly it is you're selling. We're at a point where people get excited when a film gets greenlit, which makes it nigh impossible to hide a major production from anyone's eyes for too long.

And yet, somehow, James Cameron did it. He kept the film under tight wraps, he made sparse comments about the nature of the film, and in doing so he's taken old marketing techniques & puts a new social networking spin on them. The information for this film has been controlled & deliberately released from day one, just like the old days. There's only been one teaser poster and one teaser trailer to date...and the film is set to open in December. This has caused everything from rampant speculation to open criticism and ridicule.

The reason people are so frustrated because they're so used to the "inside access" system, they've forgotten what it's like to wait. In this case, there's such a head of advanced talk built around this film that people are more than demanding their fair share of information as to what exactly is going to be presented when the logos role. The truth of the matter is, the marketing model of Hollywood today has become an inverse of what it used to be. Which is, the bigger the picture, the smaller the ad push. Why sell what you know is going to sell? Why build a whisper campaign when you can just let the masses talk amongst themselves until the chatter gets so loud, the only way to quell it is giving them what they want?

Make no mistake, James Cameron is a genius. He knows how to tell a story, he knows how to sell a story, and he knows how to play the game the moviegoer expects. He's not like George Lucas, where every property of his is a territorial pissing match. He's not like Michael Bay, where the economy of story gets raptured by the beauty of CGI. He's not even like Steven Spielberg, who works at a moderately paced clip, despite the fact that he's attached to so many projects it's almost impossible for him to choose what's next. This is James Cameron we're talking about here, and this is his long awaited return to the genre that he helped innovate and revitalize back in the 80's and 90's. When you look at his resume, and you look at the results, go ahead and try to tell someone that there's a good chance "this might not work".

The marketing machine is just revving up, folks. Avatar Day could build solid interminable buzz through word of mouth, once there's proof that the product is worth the posturing. And with new technologies that word of mouth will spread if it's there. James Cameron and Fox have put all of their eggs in this basket of 4000. The hard part though, is going to be following this up with a campaign that saturates the market with all the right things. Because while James Cameron is an impressive filmmaker to date, so was George Lucas before Episode I. That's where we'll pick up on Monday. Have a good weekend, everyone.

The Last Temptation of James Cameron, Part I

I kind of see this as a companion piece of sorts to an earlier column I ran, so if you'd like the full picture, click here. Otherwise, it is with great pleasure that I introduce the trailer for James Cameron's apology for follow up to Titanic Terminator 2. After 14 years, the movie he saw in his head will be plowing through ours come this December.

Here we are, the end of the summer movie season. As predicted, XMen Origins sucked and Night at the Museum 2 score some decent numbers. However, Beth Cooper tanked and Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs made a nice little splash at best. Long story short, 20th Century Fox needs a hit more than Amy Winehouse at Woodstock. Avatar looks like the last, best hope for such a hit; and for a film that's supposed to be at best a "blockbuster hit", it's gonna need to start reving up the marketing machine. So far, it has.

Beginning with small screenings of footage at places like ComicCon and theater expositions, James Cameron has been building nice buzz in professional circles, as well as the upper and mid level echelons of geekdom. However, it's the lower tier of geekdom and the general public that are gonna need a little finessing, seeing as this marketing campaign is about as urgent as a presidential campaign. Every vote counts, and if every ticket is a vote, James Cameron's gonna need a LOT of $10 - $14 dollar votes to recoupe the over $200 million he's spent making this film.

Which leads us to Avatar Day, the event anticipated since its announcement at ComicCon. In essence, it's the theatrical equivalent to the free samples you get at Costco. If it were limited to about 100 Costco locations worldwide. And if it were limited to about 400 samples per showing, which would roughly make about 4,000 samples distributed. Now for the sake of argument, since Avatar Day is being held at IMAX 3D locations, let's do some quick maths to see where we stand. If EVERY PERSON out of the theorized 4000 likes what they see in the test drive tomorrow, and decides "I have to see this, I NEED to see this in IMAX", that adds up to about $74,000 at the going rate of $18.50 gained from the Lincoln Square IMAX location. (You'd figure New York would be one of the most expensive.) If these numbers are correct, and if the budget rounds off to about $250 million, you're looking at $249,926,000 still being needed to break even.

Let's be a little more realistic though and up the number to 12,000; which would be all 4,000 people who show up to Avatar day and at least two friends whom they've managed to convert. That brings us to about $222,000 for one day, $666,000 for a three day weekend, and a $249,334,000 shortfall for breaking even. In order for Avatar to break even, solely on IMAX admissions alone, 13,513,513 people would have to buy an IMAX ticket to Avatar. That's roughly 3,378 crowds the size of Avatar Day, and about 9 years of Avatar Days. (I could have screwed up the maths, so if anyone comes up with more accurate figures please let me know.)

Correct numbers or not, this still brings us to the same conclusion: this movie has to hit big and it has to hit fast. Gone are the days of $100 million opening weekends, extended theatrical runs, and at least a year's worth of lead time before home video release. The world of movies is faster, more costly and more brutally competitive than it was back in 1997 when Titanic set the record for highest grossing film ever. Even then, there were several key factors that made Titanic the hit it was.

- It was a historical picture about a well known disaster.
- It had a highly marketable screen couple, who both went on to build impressive careers.
- It was a romance movie, which made it perfect for dates.
- It had a highly marketable pop song from a recognizable pop star.

- It had very positive word of mouth.

In short, Titanic had all the things movies used to be able to rely on, before the Internet became part of the show. It had what we'd now refer to as an old fashioned marketing campaign.

Back in "those days", you'd have a teaser poster. A simple one sheet that was cryptic, with few hints about what your movie was about and an iconic image. A dinosaur skeleton, a meteor impact, or even a blazing number five could make you ask, "What movie's that for?". Your mind set to work, you'd try to find out all you could and read Premiere or Entertainment Weekly (back when those publications still mattered) for anything about the upcoming releases.

Then you'd have a teaser trailer, which is essentially like a teaser poster but with moving pictures and sometimes dialogue. You're interest would be piqued enough that you'd keep the freshly revealed name of the movie in your mind when it came time for release. You'd scour the trade magazines for anything about the development, and sure enough plenty of other eager movie geeks would be doing the same thing. The buzz would build to the point where the studio would be idiots not to notice.



Which would lead to the final theatrical trailer. The big payoff, the moment where the full scope (or at least enough of it) would be revealed, and the story would finally be so clear you'd decide whether it was your cup of tea or not. Oh, and around this time, you'd get a final poster too. Something that if done right would be iconic enough for people to spoof over time.


That's not even counting official production stills, movie company swag, interviews, and all the other materials that'd be released from the teaser phase until opening night. Which all helped, but weren't as prevalent in the pre Internet days. Then, especially in the case of Titanic and others of its ilk, you'd have the music video for your big soundtrack single. More than likely, it'd be a ballad with clips of the singer belting the tune mixed in with equal measure of footage from said film. (Sometimes, if they were cheeky enough, they'd have a video where the musical artist/act would interact with the film.)

If all of this goes well enough, you'll have a huge opening weekend and your film will become a brand name. Even despite changing your release date, an affair on set that ruined your marriage, and a budget that rose faster than you could say "Waterworld". Hell, if you're lucky enough, you might win an Oscar...or 12.


Which brings us to that dreadful question. What do you do when you've become the biggest success story ever? Some fade into legend, others try hard to replicate said success. In James Cameron's case, he disappeared for 12 years, did a couple documentaries, and nursed the idea that eventually produced Avatar in his mind. Unfortunately for him, in those 14 years the movie marketing machine evolved.

Again, let's compare 1997 to now:

1997: Teaser materials (trailers/posters) were only for franchise/event pictures with pre-built names.

2009: Teaser materials are pretty much required at this point.

1997: At most you'd have two posters, two trailers, and a music video for your franchise/event movie.
2009: Two posters are a minimum for every film, with character posters (or varying international locales, if you're doing a disaster movie) as a viable option. Not to mention you now have teaser trailers, redband trailers, internet only (aka yellow band) trailers, final theatrical trailers, and TV spots. Oh, and you might get a music video. No promises.

1997: Strong word of mouth at work, school, etc. was enough to sell a picture.
2009: Thanks to the Internet, everyone can slam your film before it's even shot; or build up the hype to such improbably levels your film won't be able to match it.

Basic point: as our technology for making movies has progressed, so has our technology for making people aware of said movies. This is where it starts to get tricky, and this is where we'll pick this up tomorrow.

Woman Troubles

Chad Newhall. Mild mannered Best Buy employee by day...indie filmmaker by night. I am proud to call this man friend; and I am proud to present a short film made by him and his partners at the production company Immortal Dog. Please enjoy Woman Troubles, and don't forget to subscribe to their YouTube feed.

Cut & Print - 8/13/09

This is kinda like "The Monday GAAAH!" (which shall return, when it does), but this is all movie related. These items aren't really long form pieces, just stuff I felt I needed to share with you, the audience.

First off, here's the red band trailer for "Legion". Basic story: God wants us all dead, so he's sending his angels to finish the job. Archangel Michael defects to save an unborn child who is the new savior of humanity. Or, as some have described it, "angels with machine guns". Count me in for a ticket. (And Dennis Quaid, I forgive you for G.I. Joe.)

Second, here's the poster for Sandra Bullock's new comedy waste of effort, All About Steve. Here's a big tip Hollywood...no matter how hot, fresh, or funny your leading man is, Sandra Bullock will kill his career. Especially if it's in a "romantic comedy".

You want proof?

- Hugh Grant: hasn't really done anything big since Two Weeks Notice. (Though I'll admit, that one was kinda cute.)

- George Lopez: She was a guest staroh his show...which was cancelled after two seasons. Coincidence?

- Brendan Fraser: played her husband in Crash...and then did the third Mummy movie, followed by Journey To The Center of the Earth, followed by G.I. Joe. (Which he was funny in, but the movie sucked.)

- Ryan Reynolds: went from being on the rise in awesome movies like Just Friends to being in X-Men Origins and The Proposal. Also married Scarlett Johannson, which really isn't going to set off any career buzzers either.

How are we to know that Bradley Cooper didn't lose out on Green Lantern because of this? (I know Ryan Reynolds got the role eventually, shut up.) Look, I get it...Hollywood finally saw that Bradley Cooper was an underappreciated actor. He was awesome as Will Tippin in Alias, he was a perfect asshole in Wedding Crashers, and I was one of the few loyal viewers to Kitchen Confidential before Fox fucked it up! Now he's got "The Hangover" under his belt (as well as fellow All About Steve cast member/poster casualty Ken Leong), and this looks like it could kill his career. Because this just screams, "Hey Kids! Did you like the Hangover? Well THIS is just as funny!", which is gonna lead to disappointed people. Why didn't they just photoshop Zack Galafinikis's head in there, and retitle it, "Spot the Re-Tard"? It's funny, it calls back directly to a gag from the film, and I dare you to look at Sandra Bullock in this poster, and tell me that doesn't fit!

Robert Stack doesn't have to resurrect his ass from the grave to tell you this...Sandra Bullock is box office poison! Do us all a favor Hollywood...give us a Murder by Numbers sequel. She was awesome in that picture! In the meantime, you really should retitle your movie. If it was really as "All About Steve" as you say it is, then why isn't Steve center frame with everyone looking at him?! Oh right...this is a Sandra Bullock picture. Not too late to change the title, Fox! Seriously, bank that "Spot the Re-Tard" option. Consider it thanks for Avatar!

Which leads me to the final bit of news...Monday, August 17th is the day geeks everywhere get to reserve their tickets to Avatar Day screenings taking place on Friday, August 21st. The presentation will consist of a 16 minute sneak peek of James Cameron's latest opus, and will be on limited 2D, 3D, and IMAX/IMAX 3D screens worldwide. The trailer for the tie in game and all the merchandising will also be unveiled that same day. Go to avatarmovie.com on Monday at 12 PM (3 PM EST) to reserve your seats! If you don't get in, they'll still be unveiling the 2-D trailer that same day. (With Inglorious Bastards, if they're smart. You don't fuck with Tarantino and get away with it.)

And that's all I've got on that! As for the here and now, I've booked passage into District 9 tonight. (Seeing as I missed the NY screening, I figure a midnight screening is the way to go.) I'll try and be back later with something that's not so movie oriented. (But I will admit, is a bit of a downer.)

G.I. Joe: The Way It Should Have Been

The Ballad of G.I. Joe from Olivia Wilde