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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Tuesday, May 13, 2008

"Carrion, my wayward son", or "If this is were the true nature of sex, I'd become a monk."

So...the fans of Sex and the City are angry. Why? Because London got to see Sarah Jessica Parker and her fellow fugly nymphonecrotized playmates go and ruin yet another TV show as a motion picture. The only catch...the TV show was shitty to begin with. So, once again the Law of Diminishing Returns comes for a visit, in for form of four women whose vaginas are probably resembling beef jerky by now. Dried, shredded, horrifically maimed beef jerky. Now that I have that image in your mind, I ask you, WHY would you want to see Sex and the City the Movie?

The answers to that question would range from, "Because I loved the show so much and want to relive the 'magic' of four single and fabulous women past their stereotypical 'prime' still knocking boots with hot, younger men." to "Because it's empowering to see four single and fabulous women past their stereotypical 'prime' still knocking boots with hot, younger men." Some might even say that they saw the trailer in front of The Golden Compass, and figured that if they liked a neutered, anti establishment film featuring a rambunctious little girl and her quest against original sin; then they'd like...say it with me folks...a film about four single and fabulous blah blah blah, all drivers to your cars please.

Now, I don't think of the people who read this as idiots. I think the people that choose to read this have their own reasons, and I'm not going to question what they may be. (OK, so I will, but only because I'm curious, not because I'm profiling.) I think people have either stumbled upon this site by sheer accident, or my own penchant for self promotion. Neither of which could allow me to endorse anyone seeing this movie. I'm sorry. Those of you thinking I was going to say, "Why not? It's just a movie. As long as you have fun with it, have a ball.", you thought wrong. In fact, it's not "just a movie". It wasn't ever, "just a show". It's become a way of life, and an enabling crutch for so called "empowered women" to sleep with any guy they want and have no regrets about it in the morning. When the Cosmos have dried up, and the mascara has run off, they want to feel fabulous, instead of slutty.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that just because people watch the show it means their easy. In fact, the stereotypical male would like to think that, because the title includes the word "Sex", and anything including the word "sex" to them is either license to laugh or is an invitation to much more serious physical overtures. What I am saying is that I think it's shameful that some women are following this television show/film as a bible to sleeping around in the 21st century and not having to care. The truly empowered woman is not the woman who sleeps with anything that moves and forgets about her insecurities; she is a woman that understands herself and respects herself for who she is. A truly independent and empowered woman does not need a man to make themselves feel fulfilled in life. Of course, don't tell Carrie Bradshaw that...she'll launch into an off camera voice over that will bore you to tears about how relationships are fabulous and you just need to keep fucking until you find your very own Mr. Big.

So anyway, Sex and the City is shit because it embraces a lifestyle that is detrimental to the sexual relations of the entire world. Anyone, anywhere may suffer uncalled for heartache, stress, and any other distress (be it emotional or physical) because the Bradshaw gang deems it necessary in order to be label "fabulous". I again apologize to the fans of this show if they do not agree with me in saying that you don't need to be a codependent, nymphomaniacal alcoholic in order to make your life worth something. And that is why I am hoping Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull trounces this film.

Sure, it's fantasy that's centered around a male figure of authority, but it also includes a strong willed female who is his equal. I am, of course, talking about Ms. Marion Ravenwood, played by the still beautiful Karen Allen. If anyone remembers their Raiders of the Lost Ark, they remember the first time they saw Marion Ravenwood. She was drinking a room full of men under the table, standing up against Nazis, and kicking ass along side old Henry Jones Jr. True, through the movie she did have moments where she played a damsel in distress, and true she had moments where she swooned over Indiana. But she still used her wits to try and escape Rene Belloq, and she survived the Ark of the Covenant's fury. Carrie Bradshaw not only looks like she's suffered part of the the Ark's face melting power, but she also dresses like the cliched "lovable, but not all there upstairs" character Hollywood loves to shove down our throats.

Yes, a massively geeky digression, I know, but I'm going somewhere with this. I don't know where, but I'm getting there in record time.

Basically, my view on the Sex and the City is that it cheapens women, and cheapens sex. We all love sex. We pursue it, we talk about it, some even watch it for a nominal fee on their computer screens. It's nothing to be ashamed of, but its certainly not something to be taken lightly. Especially between all of the unwanted pregnancies in the world, the possibility of an STD, or just good old fashioned awkwardness between people because they have to deal with a reality they may not have foreseen before they hit the sheets. While it can be fun and enjoyable, it can also be something scary and life threatening if not engaged in properly. And these painful realities are thrown out the window in order to entertain a select group of people, who go forth into the world and perpetuate the gospel of sex without remorse and without thought, all because a bitch wearing an acorn hat told them to.

And just imagine, if this shit does well enough, you'll get a string of shitty sequels. Enjoy, America! You brought this on yourself. http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/d142e76468
Until next time, this sucks, and I'm leaving!

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