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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Friday, May 16, 2008

My Abusive Relationship With Hollywood: Episode 1, Diablo Cody is a Pretentious Douchebag

WHAT IN THE BLUE FUCK, HOLLYWOOD?! I suffered through the existence of Ashton Kutcher, I suffered through Grey's Anatomy and Sex in the City, and I even plan to suffer through the third Mummy movie you're shoving down my throat directed by the guy who brought us such classics as xXx and The Fast and the Furious. But THIS?! This is purely unacceptable.

To allow Diablo Cody to continue to work in Hollywood is a slap in the face to any aspiring writer, anyone with a shred of originality, and more importantly to everyone who has to watch the shit and listen to people rave on and on about it like it's gold. I remember the first time I saw the trailer for Juno. I won't lie, I actually wanted to see it. It looked funny, it looked like it had just the right amount of wit, and I'm a sucker for JK Simmons, Allison Janney, Jennifer Garner, Jason Bateman, and Michael Cera. I was on the fence about Ellen Page, but I like how she scared me in Hard Candy, but then went on to become quite hot in X3...which really was one of the only saving graces of that film. (Besides Beast.)

Fast forward to this past February. I bought tickets to the Best Picture showcase at AMC theaters, and I went with two of my friends and my girlfriend to enjoy 12 hours and 15 minutes of cinematic delight. My friends liked Juno, and told me that I would probably enjoy it. I was actually looking forward to getting a good laugh out of the day, seeing as it was the only comedy in the pack. Wow...was I wrong. On top of feeling sick that day, I ended up hating two of the movies I most looked forward to. There Will Be Blood was the first one, and of course the second was Witty McPreggers herself.
"But why did you hate Juno, Mike?" Glad you asked, Mr. Rhetorical, I'll tell you! In fact, here's the top five reasons I HATED Juno:

5. The soundtrack, for the most part, was concentrated EAR RAPE! With the exception of Buddy Holly, The Kinks, Cat Power, and Sonic Youth (at least, that I can remember off the top of my head) this soundtrack sucked. Particularly the opening and closing songs, and from what I could remember anything Kimya Dawson contributed to the musical "score".

4. The criminal mis/underusage of Michael Cera and Jason Bateman. They turned Michael Bluth into a perv, and they turned George Michael into an emasculated male. The twist that Jason Bateman was going to hit on her was an obvious one, but turning Michael Cera into a simpering love slave to Juno was incredibly insulting. He should have dumped her ass when she first rejected him.

3. The completely unrealistic dialogue of the "Junoverse". I'm not saying that teenagers are dumb, but believe it or not, some of them actually speak English. ESPECIALLY the ones that are iconoclasts like Juno. You don't need to replace "God" with "Blog". I mean when someone says "Honest to blog", I think, "Really? You're going to swear to something that's so obviously biased and never guaranteed to be the 100% truth. You're going to place your faith on something that changes like the wind? God, you're stupid." Or, I'll think, "I wonder if anyone's read my blog today."

2. The fact that the film permeated itself with this manufactured hipster air about it. Wanna be cool kids? Get knocked up, shun the father, buy a hamburger phone, flirt with a married man, give your kid to someone who really wants them, and cut off all attachments to the child whatsoever in your life. Then, set yourself up to do it again!! There ya go kids, I just saved you the pain of watching Juno.

1. Juno herself. She was a bitch. A stubborn, self righteous, elitist hag who is the most developed character in the movie, and unrightfully so. All others need not apply, Juno was the star of the show. The opening titles for this film did the film justice, everything around her is drawn horribly and she's the only thing in frame that has true definition. Just like the rest of the fucking movie.

Now, normally we learn from our atrocities. If they are to be perpetrated again, it's usually by someone else and in a slightly different manner. But this time, it looks like there's not going to be a Nuremberg for the bad guys. Nope, because Diablo Cody won an Oscar, and is currently making her second movie. Yep, Jennifer's Body is lensing right now, and they're already planning a sequel because she, "...like sequels especially when they're done well..." If you choose to read the rest of that horrific reality, here you go: www.shocktillyoudrop.com/news/topnews.php?id=6106. While you're there, check out the "set visit preview", just to get your ire up. Basically, a spunky, sassy cheerleader gets posessed by a demon, starts killing guys left and right, hangs out with her friend "Needy" (that's actually the name of the character) and probably listens to shitty music. Ms. Cody said in an interview about Jennifer's Body, "Not to sound like a pretentious douchebag, but it's a horror movie made by filmmakers, by people who genuinely love film." She then goes on to "geek out" about Grindhouse films that'd compliment this film as if it were a fucking wine list for the evening's main course. Unfortunately, last time that I checked there's no wine that goes with "Shit salad a la Cody".
I defy you to read her column, "My Oscar Weekend", from a previous issue of Entertainment Weekly. I defy anyone to read this and not think she's a "pretentious douchebag", or a serious case of arrested development.
The fact is, Ms. Cody, you ARE a pretentious douchebag. You've taken a sect of individualism and marketed it to death. I'm not surprised you once were a stripper, you dress like one and most certainly act like one. As for your "Geek Cred", I'm afraid it's sadly deficient. I know geeks, I am a geek, and you ma'am are certainly no geek. You're just some mildly attractive woman who saw geekdom, thought a passing interest in it paired with your "looks" could get you some attention, and were sadly proven right. You need to stop now while Hollywood is still in tact, because law of the land is "You're only as good as your last picture", and your last picture totally dia-blew. Do us all a favor and either turn your binge thinking into binge drinking or stop playing dress up and write a real movie. Prove me wrong. It wouldn't be the first time, and it won't be the last time it's happened, and if you write a movie that proves to me you're not the female equivalent of M. Night Shymalan, then I will proudly shut the fuck up.


Chez said...

I liked Juno quite a bit (big fan of Ellen Page) and as much as I respect your opinion, you should turn in your film-buff card for hating There Will Be Blood. There's just no excuse for that -- period. : )

Mr. Controversy said...

Well, funny you should mention that, I've been thinking about re-evaluating There Will Be Blood. I was feeling sick that day, and it was shown right after Michael Clayton, so I might not have liked it because of the jump in tone. I might even reevaluate Juno down the line, but some time need to pass.