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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also a film journalist/critic for Cocktails & Movies and CinemaBlend, as well as the author of several short stories such as "The Devil v. George W. Bush". Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: mikereyeswrites@gmail.com

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Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Baa Baa Charlie Blacksheep

It's amazing what people in politics will say. As you all probably know by now, McCain campaign strategist Charlie Black has been reported as saying that another attack on America would be a, "big advantage" to his campaign. Now, I know what you're thinking, "Politicians make their own personal gains off of the pains of the nation, but isn't this a little too transparent to work, much less too crass and insensitive to the fears of today?" Well, I look at you and say, "No."

Hey, whether you like it or not, this is a good strategy. It's reverse psychology! It's exactly what Bush used to get into office. It's going out there, looking the American public dead in the eyes and saying, "Yeah, I'm unfit to lead this country. What's it to you, pilgrim?". McCain is going to continue to blunder, mishandle things, and generally be a cranky old son of a bitch, and it's going to work.

The American public doesn't want to be told the truth, it wants to be lied to like the dirty, dirty whore it is. That's why we love our tabloids, think country music should be the basis for our domestic and foreign policy, and make movies like Disaster Movie and Sex in the City number one at the box office. We're not a nation of thinkers, hell no. We're a nation of flash and pizazz. If you don't got the grin to win, then you ain't gonna win, Jim. It worked for W, and it'll sure as hell work for McCain.
How long is the Republican party going to let itself be represented as the Keystone Kops in the media? How long are they going to stick to the same stupid assed rhetoric that may have gotten them elected before, but has also gotten them into a world of trouble and turned them into the hugest political pariah this side of Judas Iscariot. (Those goddamn Republicans won't listen to you unless you throw them some scripture with their truth.)

The rhetoric in question is simple: "Fuck the public, we have an image to maintain. We're protecting all of your asses from the terrorists who are just baying at the doors of this great nation, and if you don't like how we protect you then move to Canada, you fucking Commie! And if one of our guys screws up on the job, and says or does something stupid, we're not gonna fire him just because YOU think we should. We'll fire him when we're damn well good and ready."

This is the rhetoric that lost the Republicans control of Congress in the 2006 midterm election. If they had just fired Rumsfeld a little earlier, and managed some spin control, like they always do, than they might not have had their asses handed to them by anything as strong as a stiff breeze. This die hard, "we're always right, and we're always looking out for you", attitude has got to stop. I mean, it's even unattractive in Democrats. Just look at Hillary Clinton's campaign for the candidacy this year, that's all the proof you need.

The American people are so wary of politics because of the same reason they're wary of celebrities...they always get away with whatever they do. No matter what happens or what allegations are made, as long as you have the right friends, you're never brought to task. Punishment is for the commoners, the underprivileged, because it keeps them in line. But if you've made it to a certain point of society, then you don't have to worry. All it takes is a pat on the back, some greased palms, maybe a conciliatory gesture like going to rehab or community service, but sure enough you'll be back on the campaign/awards season trail in no time.
With that, I present to you the five things that (probably) have to happen, in order for the American Public to regain faith in the system...

5. O.J. Simpson is tried, and found guilty of obstruction of justice and evading police custody...by lying his ass off and having his lawyers back him up. The surviving members of the "Dream Team" will be codefendants, and unless they've published at least TWO "mea culpas" explaining their regret for defending O.J., then they will be found automatically guilty. All will be sentenced to life without chance for a Larry King interview...and their sentence will be served on the Moon.

4. Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer (Yes, I'm still on that. You're gonna have to get used to it, because you'll be hearing about them a lot before August gets here.) are kicked out of Hollywood after their film, Disaster Movie, generates the worst reviews of the year.

- "After watching Disaster Movie, I feel like watching The Love Guru fifty times a day for the rest of my life. Fucking clown shoes!" - Massawyrm, Ain't It Cool News
- "A film with the attention span of a butterfly and the subtext of a Denny's placemat, Disaster Movie is the equivalent of two people standing in front of you, reenacting your favorite scenes from your favorite trailers, and looking at the audience just BEGGING for a laugh." - Dustin Rowles, Pajiba.com

- "Seltzer and Friedberg must have been the two of six Scary Movie writers who sat in the corner and played Paper Football, while calling each other various derivations of the term"fag" and seeing who's farts smelt the worst. Strangely enough, this is what made it through the "Notes" phase of their script's production." - Mr. Controversy, MrControversy.Blogspot.com

- "Call me crazy, but I kinda liked it. It wasn't perfect, but I think it contained....WHAHAAAUUUGH (sound of symbyotic parasite controlling Roger Ebert's thoughts, thus clouding his mind and judgement, separating itself from his mind and dying.)... a warning that our pop obsessed culture should learn from its choices and demand better product. I hated, HATED this movie!" - Roger Ebert, RogerEbert.com

The two former scourges of Hollywood now sleep in the alley, turning tricks for food, and seeing who's farts smell worse.

3. Britney Spears retires from showbusiness to raise her kids...after a healthy stay in a proper rehab center, run by none other than Kiefer Sutherland. (This is in no way a comment on Mr. Sutherland's sobriety, I just think he could Bauer Britney into sobriety herself...think of it as Scare Straight meets 24.)

2. Paris Hilton is involved in an accident due to her own incompetance (she forgets how to order a cheeseburger) that claims her life.

1. Senator Barack Obama wins the presidency by a landslide in November. He selects his cabinet, and includes Alan Arkin, Donald and Kiefer Sutherland, Dennis Haysbert, Hugh Laurie, William Shatner, James Spader, Candace Bergen, Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, and Mr. Controversy. (What departments they're all secretary of, I'll leave to you all.)

So, Senator McCain, if you want to make America happy and give yourself a chance to be president, either make all five of those things happen or clean up your act and resign. I promise that if that happens, you can be president...of my fan club. Until next time, I'm Mr. Controversy, and please, blog safely.


Anonymous said...

There's no doubt that Massawyrm will say that; he's probably the best writer on that site (why haven't they kicked Harry out yet? He may have founded it, but... the guy can't write). Wait, I forget... which one if Quint, again?

That also happens to be the greatest presidential cabinet I have ever seen, although Locke and Sayid from LOST must be brought in to run the CIA and FBI, respectively (even though they are not real characters). Also you can't have Hugh Laurie, he's ours.

Mr. Controversy said...

Damn and blast! You win that round, though would you be willing to nominate him as ambassador to America then? Either him or David Tennant, either way at least one Doctor should be involved.

Anonymous said...

This is an acceptable compromise.

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