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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Friday, June 27, 2008

Kids Protest the Darndest Things

Part III of "A Buyer's Guide to Music" will be on its way shortly, but first I wanted to talk about something that really pissed me off today. Before I do though, I'd like to make a couple things clear...

- Yes, gas prices are teh suck.
- Yes, I do enjoy television.
- No, I do not hate all kids.

That having been said, this morning the bastion of cable news sensationalism decided to run a warm and fuzzy human interest story. That's right, Fox News is at it again.


It looks like we're being forced to endure yet another case of someone's kids doing something so precoious, so goddamned fucking precious, that the world has to see it otherwise it won't be as cute as it would have been just being seen by mommy, daddy, and the backwater hick town they belong to. Nope, the home of the Mormons, Salt Lake City, Utah; has produced yet another reason NOT to move to this god foresaken wasteland of humanity and entertainment: the kids are protesting gas prices.

Now, a good protest every now and then is fine and dandy. It's nice to see kids being motivated into doing something that should be for the betterment of humanity. But this is where little Sadie and Pyper (Pyper...with a Y? You're shitting me! Fucking trendy parents.) Vance got it wrong. Their big gripe is that their parents cancelled their cable television service. That's right, these little tikes (actually...tykes. Gotta use that Y, or else they aren't special!) are upset because Mommy has effectively barred them from Drake and Josh, Hannah Montana, The Jonas Brothers, and The Naked Brothers Band, in order to fill her tank with gasoline. Even more annoying, their signs have those misspellings that are seen as cute with children of a certain age, but look like a bleak sign of illiteracy in anyone over the age of five. Sadie's 9, Pyper is 7; so guess what? It looks like mommy and daddy should move to an actual state where the school system doesn't teach them that the Dinosaurs and Gays were all killed by God with a huge prehistoric meteor, but instead teaches them how to fucking read and write PROPERLY! (Extra LOL: The kids were said to have used campaign signs to make their little makeshift messages. How much do you want to bet they were McCain or Clinton signs they used?)

For fucking shame, these children are so deprived in this iPod, YouTube, "Vox Populi with their heads up their asses" society because THEY CAN'T WATCH CABLE! Whoop-dee-fucking-doo! I know EXACTLY what was going through those Fox News "reporters" minds when this happened..."Aww, how sweet is this? These kids are protesting the high gas prices everyone else hates, and can't do anything about. Maybe if we show a good closeup of these precious gems marching with their misspelt signs, we can get adults off their asses to do the same...or at the very least warm peoples hearts instead of freezing and removing them anytime Karl Rove shows his ugly assed face."Fox and Friends ran the story because, like every other morning "news" program, they're not interested in real news. They want the fluff pieces, they want the charming facts, they want the interview that makes M. Night Shymalan NOT look like a douchebag of epic proportions. They want to make you feel GOOOOOD. And how better to do that than to march these mutants on television and make them semifamous. Also, where were these kids when the big price hike started last summer, and the months before that? It's not like gas prices just all of a sudden jumped these past few months, this has been an almost two year pain in the ass we've all been dealing with, and now when the shit hits the fan and their parents cancel their cable TV, NOW they start to bitch about gas prices?

I think Mr. and Mrs. Vance should have sat their kids down, instead of put them on television. They should have looked them square in the face and said, "Look kids, you're part of a generation made up of mostly vapid dumbasses. It is the fault of us parents that you have turned out this way, because we grew up/"matured" in the 80's, the "Me" decade. We demanded so much of society and got so much from society, that we decided somewhere along the line that you should have that too. The only problem is instead of you fucking it up with drugs and sex, you've done it with the media and the internet. As a result, you've all become quite the enfranchised, entitled little shits, and we're going to put an end to it. We cancelled the cable, because we need to gas up. You can't go anywhere or do anything with out gas, and frankly you should be getting your fucking asses out into the real world anyway. Play with friends, read a book, swim in a lake for fucks sake. Christ, take an interest in the world around you before you're labeled as a gluttonous shitbag and take advantage of by the truly manipulative and intelligent people of your generation who'll surely hold office when you become of age. Think for yourself, we're not here to raise fucking sheep." That's just me though, and if I were saying that to my kids I wouldn't have swore as much, or made them sound like quite the Satan spawn.

Still, at least the biggest irony is that Fox News is on cable...so if mommy and daddy want to watch their little shits on the news, sitting comfortably in their laps as Fox and Friends exploits their little wholesome (but still childishly selfish) ways, they'd have to get someone else to tape it because they don't have cable. Mr. and Mrs. Vance, do yourselves a favor...keep your goddamn children off the television, and take them to see Wall-E, maybe the films message will strike a little humility into their (and your) PR minded skulls.

I'm Mr. Controversy, Satelite Dish FTW!

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