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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Friday, June 13, 2008

My Abusive Relationship With Hollywood, Episode 4: M. Night Shyamalan's The Crappening or M. Night's Career Has Nuked The Fridge


For some reason, Adult Swim's video links are being retarded, and where there should be a video, there's a big fucking eyesore. So instead of embedding the video, I'm going to include the actual link to the video below where it actually should be. Fucking technology! (Thanks to Chris L., my soul has been restored.)
http://www.adultswim.com/video/?episodeID=9961002af210093b08b0d10250700145

Yesterday, Chez over at Deus Ex Malcontent reposted a past entry of his blasting "auteur" M. Night Shyamalan, in "celebration" of his new "film" The Happening. (You can find it here:
http://www.deusexmalcontent.com/2008/06/short-attention-span-theater-welcome-to.html) In the comments field, I had posted, at least what I thought, was a funny comment about the story, in which Mr. Pazienza mocks Mr. Shyamalan's prose and filming style:

"Mr. Controversy said...
Very clever...but where's the twist? Might I suggest...

- his career died before it even started.
- his weakness is water. (This counts twice, seeing as he used it twice.)
- "Night" is really the monsters, and he's living in his own dream world concocted willingly from his own mind.
- M. Night Shymalan is from another world...a world where Uwe Boll is apparently God.
- He watches his latest movie, which causes him to kill himself.

What's scarier: the fact that those twists are lifted from his films, or that they oddly fit?(except for the last one, that's just wishful thinking.)"

For the record, I don't think James Newton Howard is that bad of a composer, but one could say that the style of the music he submits to an M. Night Shyamalan movie is very fitting of the movie...something that's always a different variation on the same old theme. In the case of Mr. Shyamalan, here is his process:



- Drop the viewer, in media res, into a brand new situation and let them start to ask themselves questions and become intrigued, as they follow the characters (who represent the audience) through the film.

- Introduce some dark and ominous happenings that challenges the viewer/characters into figuring out its purpose and its origins.

- Have your character go through some sort of transformation that makes them a better, more ideal person. BECAUSE THAT'S WHY ALL OF THIS IS HAPPENING...THEY ARE A WICKED PERSON AND THEY NEED TO CHANGE!

- Oh, and don't forget...
THE TWIST YOU WILL NEVER...SEE...COMING...EVER...NOT IN A MILLION YEARS!


Here's how those of use who can cut through his bullshit see it:


- Drop your unlucky bastard of a viewer into a situation without any prior explanation, because you don't have the skill to completely set it up without fucking it up. (Besides, people LOVE ambiguity. It helps them believe they "thought" through your picture.)

- Introduce some bullshit monster/event/happening that fools the viewer into taking every red herring you drop for them and making them think it's a clue.

- Have your character go through some sort of transformation that makes them a better, more ideal person. BECAUSE THAT'S WHY ALL OF THIS IS HAPPENING...THEY ARE A WICKED PERSON AND THEY NEED TO CHANGE!

- And of course, we can't forget...
THE TWIST YOU WILL FUCKING SEE COMING FROM A MILE AWAY!


That's not to say I've hated every movie of his. I actually enjoyed Signs somewhat, and Unbreakable was his best film to date. (The one that, ironically, would have been a trilogy.) Unfortunately, M. Night is a one trick pony, on top of being a complete narcissist. His one trick..the "twist"ending.

Malcolm Crowe was dead, Mr. Glass was a supervillain, Graham finds his faith again and Merrill swings away, The Village was really some rich white people's way of living in a world without modern convenience/guilt/violence, The Lady In The Water prophecizes M. Night Shyamalan's "influence" and assassination, and The plants are the villains. If you need a reason to see an M. Night Shyamalan movie, I've just taken that away from you. His twists are ones that aren't really all that impressive, and he always...ALWAYS has a part in his films.

Lady In The Water was his shark jumper though, and even I could see that without seeing it. Instead of a simple one scene cameo like he ALWAYS does at some critical juncture in his films, he's a MAIN FUCKING CHARACTER! And not only that, he's an author who not only "wins one for the little guys" against a bitchy critic, but also will write something that'll inspire hope and peace in the world...too bad the fucker gets clipped before he sees his influence on everyone. This was the movie Disney wouldn't even buy, and they made the fucking Shaggy Dog remake! So, what does M. Night do when someone isn't interested in his "fairy tale for Adults"? Does he go back to the drawing board and rewrite the script so maybe he'll have a better shot at selling it to Disney, further strengthening a preexisting business relationship? Nope. Does he try to polish the script and sell it elsewhere? Half right. Does he take the same fucking shit one of the biggest studios in the world passed on, and sell it to a new, more gullible partner?

I don't know, why don't you ask Warner Brothers, they'd know better than me.



Lady in the Water was M. Night's biggest flop EVER...well, until the jury weighs in on The Happening. It's not just "snobby" film critics either, most movie goers seem to be adverse to our friend's brand of "suspense", or what passes for it when 24's not on the air. (Though, Sex and the City did score a number 1 opening weekend, so if they'll go to see that I'm sure there will be people interested in The Happening. I pray that these two groups do not intermingle and breed.) Sadly, as I may have pointed out before, I might have to ride the bomb on this one and go see it. My girlfriend is interested in it, seeing as she was a big fan of The Village, which goes to show that even intelligent, well minded people like my wonderful girlfriend, have been duped by this man's machinations.






However, some people's tastes just aren't refined enough to punch this guy's lights out for making shitty movies, and instead they pretty much do all but blow him on camera. This interview from Chuck the Movie Guy is hysterical proof of such an incident. It's such a circle jerk for both men involved, but then again the Internet is good for such things. "Night" gets to flaunt his "process", while Chuck gets to actually sit down with a "Hollywood elite" without anyone even knowing who the fuck he is. (How do these people do it?!) Though, like any good circle jerk, it's hard not to get any on someone else and not have them be offended. Chuck the Movie Guy, Mr. Shayamarama, you've both gotten some of your filth on me and I feel dirty. I must destroy you both now. The bullshit needs to stop. Openly ridicule him, make sure he knows that if he keeps making movies, we'll keep laughing at them. THIS MAN IS NOT TALENTED! He talks about the power of storytelling, and he can't remember his own fucking story! Maybe then we'll be rid of the great menace that is M. Night Shyamalan. Until then, laugh it up! The Happening looks like the comedy hit of the year!
"My movies are not like Hollywood movies." No, they're MUCH shittier. May you share a cell with Uwe Boll...in Hell.
Until next week, I'm Mr. Controversy, and I'm hoping Chuck the Movie Guy doesn't come looking for me, because he looks like he could rape me in my sleep and have no remorse afterwards. Plus, he looks like he'd be a challenge in a fight.

Oh, and dear readers, the twist of this article...I kept using the word happening on purpose, and putting any derivation of the word happening in bold, so people would just happen to realize that this happens to be mocking the new M. Night Shyamalan film...The Last Airbender. What-a-twist!






4 comments:

Chris L. said...

Adult Swim video link is as BROKEN as your empty soul!

Mr. Controversy said...

Hey, it's not my fault Ted Turner doesn't pay his programmers.

Seresecros said...

In fairness, I saw your twist ending coming a lot quicker than I saw the twist at the end of The Village. 'Course, that could be because the twist at the end of The Village makes no bloody sense, but still.

Mr. Controversy said...

As you were meant to...and the ending did make some sense in The Village, but it still was just a shitty one. Though, it wasn't very well hinted at, so I would have to agree with you on the credibility factor. Complete horseshit.

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