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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Tuesday, July 8, 2008

The Devil v. George W. Bush: A Short Fiction, Part II

Oh hell, I like you kids and since I've promised things and not delivered in the past, it's time you all got something early for a change. Here's part II of The Devil v. George W. Bush, six days early. Tell all your friends!

Part II: The Negotiation of Terms and Conditions

A couple of weeks after that Fall afternoon in November, the soon to be ex President and his soon to be ex-Vice President sat down with The Devil for a meeting. This was to be the pitch of a lifetime for both sides involved, seeing as the stakes were quite high. As it would turn out, the Devil had surprised everyone with his appearance, simply because instead of looking like some red, hulking monster with horns, he looked like Burt Reynolds...with horns. He even sounded like Mr. Reynolds, which excited the President, because he was also an avid fan of the Smokey and the Bandit saga.
"Well, now that you boys are seated, what can I do for you? Scotch, bourbon, lemonade?"

"I'll just have a lemonade, Mr. Satan.", replied George, still a little intimidated that he was staring at The Bandit with horns. The Devil poured a tall glass of lemonade with a lemon wedge and some ice in it. He added a little umbrella, and that was all it took to calm the President's jangled nerves.

"And you, Mr. Cheney?"

"What the hell, pour me a shot of that bourbon. It looks damn tasty, and I need something to calm me down. No offense, sir, but you aren't exactly the easiest person to deal with."
"Ah, I get that a lot. No reason to fret, old Dickey boy, this deal will be over faster than a hogtie with duct tape."

The President let out a sigh of relief and sank back in his chair. Finally, someone important in the world spoke his language. The Devil sat down at his desk with a glass of lemonade, much like the President's, and began to speak after a nice, cool sip.

"So, what are you boys here to negotiate? Mary's been telling me this is quite a big contract we're dealing with here."

"Well...uh, you see...I was thinking...uh...line?", the President stammered. He had forgotten what he and Dick had agreed on as their sales pitch earlier in the day .
"Mr. Satan..."
"Please, call me Burt."
"Well, uh, Burt, we were wondering if we could make a little power play here that'd be mutually beneficial to us all. You see, our term in office is coming to a close and..."

"OH, I REMEMBER I REMEMBER!", burst the President. He cleared his throat and continued.

"Dick, I have it from here, thank you. Um, now Mr. Satan...Burt, if you prefer."

"Yes I do."
"Well, Burt...see we're at the end of our term limits and we don't think we've done enough for the world and democracy. Not just in Iraq, but all over. People really don't like me and...I want to change that. I don't want to be remembered as the ignorant president who lead a nation to war. I want to be remembered as a nation builder, a unifier, and a lover of all that is peaceful."
Burt looked at The President perplexedly, "So you want to be made a Democrat?"
The President and his VP both jumped from their seats, "FUCK NO!"
Bush continued, "I want to sell you the world, with the promise that I get to be leader."

Burt put down his lemonade and laughed. "You? You want to rule the world? Every last square inch of it?"
George, looking a bit hurt, stood his ground. "Yes, yes I do. I feel that unencumber-ened by the conven...conven...."
Dick chugged down his bourbon nervously, then helped his floundering compatriot. "...unencumbered by the conventions of the American System of government."

George smiled and patted Dick on the back. "Right, what he said. Jesus, Dickey, why weren't you President?"
Cheney muttered under his breath, "Sometimes I ask myself that same goddamn question."
Burt looked at the both of them, shook his head, and smiled. "Boys, I doubt you two really want to offer me the world. I mean, I'm the Prince of Darkness. I'm the guy you two believe strongly against. I'm that guy that kicks puppies and rapes sheep for fun, all while aborting fetuses and causing global warming. I'm the end all, know all, cause all for your problems."

George looked at Satan and asked hopefully, "So you'll help us then?"

Burt sighed, figuring he'd ride it out and see where this would all go wrong in the long run. "Alright, you've got a deal. Inauguration Day 2009, you hand the world over to me instead of that Obama chump and we're set. You get to be leader, I'll just sit in the background and do what I do best."
George smiled, Dick smiled, Burt took an Advil and sat back in his chair. In a couple week's time they'd meet again to go over the contract that would put the fate of the world in the hands of the man everyone feared would end them...and Satan would be there watching his every blunder.
Next time: Part III, The Contract for Earth

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