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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The Devil v. George W. Bush: A Short Fiction, Part III


And now, Part III of the V (I think) part saga, The Devil v. George W. Bush.
Part III: The Contract for Earth
Two weeks had passed, and the Devil was in a conference with his lawyers, putting the finishing touches on his contract.

"So, we get Halloween and All Saint's Day, Christmas, and Easter off; all other days we constantly supervise his movements and decisions, and we can reserve the right to override him, provided we get Congressional support."

Burt (aka Satan) smiled, "So basically, it's the deal we had before?"

The first lawyer answered, "Well, yes. Except we get Easter off, and our dental is fully covered."

"Ah, well that's a relief. I've been meaning to get my caps redone. Now, what do we get in terms of health insurance?"

A second lawyer step up to answer this one, "Same coverage as before, only we're under a PPO instead of an HMO."

"I never should have created those. Too much goddamn fuss, and you can never find a decent doctor. 401k?"

"A Roth 401k. I hear it's quite comprehensive."

"Wonderful. Now, in terms of the actual world, are there any areas we should stay out of. You know, we're not exactly popular all over."

Lawyer Number Three's turn to speak. "Well Satan, I personally think we should stay out of the Middle East and North Korea. They don't need our help over there. I'd suggest a powerbase somewhere in Europe maybe, and some visits throughout America of course."

"Ah. It always comes down to Europe. You know I spent my teenage years there...and people wonder how all of these superstitions from the Old Country got started."
The boardroom erupted with laughter. "Ok, folks. This deal should be easier than spit on a grill."

"Um, sir, the President isn't here. You can speak in terms we all can understand."

"I know, but I kinda like being Burt Reynolds. It wouldn't be very authentic if I just said something like, 'This plan shall rain forth fire and brimstone on my enemies, and bring the great son of George H.W. to power, where he shall sit forever and ever.' I mean they don't say shit like that in the Cannonball Run movies."
"Very true sir", spouted the Devil's lead counsel. He wasn't about to argue with him. It was never a good idea to argue with the Devil before a contract signing.
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The meeting took place at an airport hotel, just outside of Washington D.C. The location was chosen not only because of its convenience, but also because of its close proximity to a Bennigan's restaurant. This was not any ordinary Bennigan's though, this was the Bennigan's that took home the Smiley Cup six years in a row, which was a benchmark for excellent service and business operations at any one Bennigan's location. The Devil loved Bennigans, he loved it more than his later creations TGI Fridays and Applebee's. The President, the Vice President, and Fred Fielding, his lead counsel, all met up at the Regan Airport Hilton to finalize their positions on the contract.

"Ok, Mr. President, so if they offer us a Direct TV package you'd rather have the Dish Network package because you've memorized the channel schedule and because they have Toon Disney. Also, you request that Inauguration Day be renamed to Ascension Day, and you request one super power of your future choosing."

The President smiled, "I'm thinkin' about XRay vision. Either that or flight, I'm not sure yet."
"And Mr. Vice President, you want to hold a mass Waterboarding, with the person's you've listed in this notebook."

"Mmmhmm. I'm perfecting my technique with Alberto tomorrow."
Fielding took a breath, "Ok. Sounds like everything is in order."
And just at that moment, Burt appeared out of nowhere, staff of lawyers present and accounted for as well.

"So, Mr. Fielding, do we have a deal?"

"Deal? What deal? We haven't even given you our particulars yet."

"Fred...I'm the Devil. You don't think I'm listening in and taking things into consideration. I've amended the contract and all you guys have to do is sign it."

W was amazed, and he applauded as he exclaimed, "Oh! Oh he is good! Did you see that, Dickey?! Holy shit, that was cool."
"Ah, it's just a trick I learned from Harry Houdini. We used to hang out together back in the day. So, do we have a deal?"

Mr. Fielding straightened himself and stood up, "Mr. President, I suggest we read the contract and..."

Before Mr. Fielding could say anymore, the President snatched up the contract and signed his name. Then he rushed it to the Vice President, who also quickly scrawled his name. Finally, he presented it to Fred, for his final and binding signature.

"Mr. President...", he whispered, "...are you sure you want to do this without reading the contract?"

"C'mon, Deep Throat", he jabbed, "It's the Devil. How's he gonna screw us on our home turf? We're the ones that do all the screwin' in this town."
Burt the Devil smiled, and winked. "That's my boy."
With Mr. Fielding's signature, the contract was binding. On January 20, 2009; the world would belong to Satan.
Next Time: "Part IV: Ascension Day"

7 comments:

Dave B. said...

I daresay Satan will do a better job.

Excellent installment. Now I gotta go read the other ones.

Fiend.

Mr. Controversy said...

But of course, I am a fiend. Glad you enjoyed it, Dave. I hope the previous installments hold up to your discerning standards.

Dave B. said...

Good stuff man.

I really do hope this is fiction and you're not channeling some alien hive mind that knows the future.

Mr. Controversy said...

To my knowledge it's fiction...I think the Devil probably looks more like Tom Jones than Burt Reynolds. He'd get more work done that way.

Dave B. said...

And there'd be lots of happy sheep.

B. Han said...

Haha this is clever and good; I'm looking forward to read more about it!

remind me of this really good book I read called America 2014,it's fiction picturing a totalitarian U.S. in 2014, with no end to War on Terror a 4th term President George Blush rules, with America renamed "God's United States"; ring a bell to 1984; if interested go check it out at http://www.america2014.com

Thanks for the reflection.

B. Han

Mr. Controversy said...

B. Han, you've struck a nerve in my reading tastes...alternate history. I will definitely check that out. And as I say to all the others, thanks for reading. :)

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