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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Monday, July 21, 2008

The Devil v. George W. Bush: A Short Fiction, Part V

We're almost finished here, folks. Just two more installments (maybe three) and The Devil v. George W. Bush will be finished. Here's one of them.

Part V: Ascension Day (part II)

The motorcade for soon to be officially President Obama pulled up to the Capital steps, and a throng of cheering and merriment rose up into the air. The minute he stepped out of the limousine and waved to the crowd, a torrent of flashbulbs went off. He shook people's hands, he repeatedly said "thank you" to the crowd, he even gave Hilary Clinton a big hug for all to see. He truly did have no hard feelings after all, whereas she couldn't wait to change her clothing and drown her sorrows in a bottle of Glenlevet. The New Vice President was about to be sworn in, and everyone started to quiet down. Just as the procedure had started, a slight wind had kicked up and it got just a little bit darker.
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George and Dick looked out their window and the now vacant lawn of the White House. Where there stood dozens of protesters now lied a bunch of trash and fecal matter. They were all at the inauguration ceremony now, and the boys were left to have one last rumination before taking over the world.

"So Dick, what do you want to do tonight?", George asked playfully.

"The same thing we've done every night, Georgey...play Duck Hunt and make crank calls to Jesse Jackson's house.", Dick said as he slugged down a beer. He was disturbingly ready for the event in more ways than one. He made a mental note to get bigger trousers so his raging erections wouldn't show during his official duties as high inquisitor, or as he liked to call it "Big Dick Emeritus".

"That's a good plan, Dickeyboy. Good plan. Maybe Burt will join us for some tacos and we can all watch Rambo. I heard it's quite a good movie, right up your alley, Dick."

The Vice President, now fully displaying his plumage, rushed to his room to find a pair of sweatpants. The clouds continued to darken.
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Burt and The Lead Counsel were en route to the Inauguration, when they got backed up on the Beltway. Traffic was at a standstill, and their Ford Pinto wasn't exactly going anywhere.

"Goddammit! It's five minutes into the ceremony, I want to make a grand entrance right after Obama gets sworn in. I had it all planned out: I stand in the wings, and just as everyone's clapping I step out clapping myself and take over...by inviting everyone to lunch."

The Lead Counsel gripped the wheel nervously, "You're still on that shit?"

"C'mon! It's an olive branch to the world. Who doesn't love appetizers?"

"I don't know...the Bible thumpers who were raised thinking 'Devil baaaad'?"

"Hey, say what you will, but Bible thumpers have said yes to the Devil before. That's how they've been caught with children and hookers."

Lead Counsel shrugged his shoulders and took the next exit off the Beltway. They'd have to go it the long way to get to the inauguration.
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The New Vice President sat down, smiling broadly. He was pleased that the work of new government would commence in about ten minutes or so. Senator Obama, soon to be President Obama, stepped up to Chief Justice Roberts and began the process of being sworn in. Not too long after beginning, Burt had stepped out and started slow clapping. He had not realized that the ceremony was just beginning, instead of just ending as he had planned. A sheepish grin grew across his face.

"Shit. I had that planned out much better in my mind. Um...", he cleared his throat and started to speak, "Dear human race, an era of a thousand dark years is beginning in front of you. So, who's hungry?"

Burt's Lead Counsel slapped himself in the forehead. "Goddammit, you just HAD to go with the lunch invite." He opened his phone and began to dial Bennigan's.

Senator, not quite President, Obama looked Satan in the eye and smiled, "Relax, my term limits only four years, Mr. Reynolds."

The crowd laughed. Even Bill Clinton cracked a smile at the Senator's response.

"I am not Burt Reynolds...I am Satan, Prince of Darkness. I have merely assumed the form of Burt Reynolds to please the simpleton I struck a deal with."

Senator Obama looked confused. "What simpleton? What deal?"

Burt explained, "I have struck a deal with George W. Bush for possession of the world. As of today, he shall be the ruler of the world and he shall rule in my name."

The crowd laughed and yelled, "So how is this different from the last four years?"

Satan was not pleased. "ENOUGH! From hereon, this day shall be known as Ascension Day. Long reign George W. Bush!"

George W. Bush sauntered onto the stage, with Dick Cheney in tow (now wearing sweatpants to hide his semipermanent erection). He attempted a genuine fist bump with the Senator, but the Senator just glared at him. A couple people were more pissed off than the rest, to begin with the New Vice President.

"WHOA! Not fucking cool, Satan! I called dibs on the Presidency in exchange for your services! You were supposed to get rid of this idealistic twit, so I could usher in a New New Deal!"

"Hey, I asked the Devil for help with my campaign and he shot me down?", yelled John McCain who was also drowning his sorrows on this very day.

Burt shot back, "You didn't need my help. You were enough of an evil old bastard for the two of us."

"Wait a minute!", shouted Hillary, quite angrily, "The Devil promised the world to ME! I asked him first and he said "Sure toots, you're my kinda gal."

"No, honey, that was last night at your costume party. I was the Devil remember. 'Oh Bill, I think this costume suits you well.' Bitch."

The whole crowd started bitching and moaning about those last minute prayers they made to the Prince of Darkness, and how they were never answered...much like their prayers to his opposite number in the clouds, which had caused them to seek out his assistance in the first place.

Chief Justice Roberts sighed, annoyed with all of the legal issues suddenly arising. He called for silence from the crowd.

"Enough! I don't care who really made what deal with the Devil. Whatever the case, we shall hold a hearing in a week's time to see who truly will be the ruler of Earth. All the rest of it is bullshit, and I should know...I'm the highest sitting judge in the nation."

Next Time: Part VI: The Ultimate Legal Challenge

3 comments:

Dave B. said...

*laugh* Great installment, sir. Figures that Roberts will decide another presidency.

And truth be known: I think he IS part of Satan's entourage.

Ya know, you could really stretch this whole thing out until election day. In this section alone you provide yourself with, theoretically, enough side material to do it. Ya might just have to change it to "Bush & Friends (& Enemies) vs. Satan".

Just an idea. And a hope, really. It's good stuff.

Mr. Controversy said...

I was actually thinking of extending this whole story and punching it up into a full fledged book. Either that, or having Burt and Burt's Lead Counsel roaming the world, stirring up trouble with other notables.

The most I can see "The Devil v. George W. Bush" being extended is to a seventh episode, just because that's the number of deadly sins. However, a "Bush and Friends/Enemies vs. Satan" might not be too far off, that actually sounds promising.

Again, your enthusiasm is appreciated, and I'm glad you have as much fun reading it as I do writing it.

Dave B. said...

You could do Satan's World History Tour when you're writing the side-liners, and have the best of both worlds.

The only ideas for a stories I have these days is a Star Wars related, and as I'm sure I'll mention at some point again, it is almost impossible to become one with The Impenetrable Fortress of Literary Pointlessness that is LucasArts.

So, glad to be of service.

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