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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Devil v. George W. Bush: A Short Fiction, Part VI

Wow. I really don't want this to end, but at the same time I'd hate to stretch this story out to Death. That having been said, look for installment VII soon, which will cap off the story of The Devil v. George W. Bush! It's been a pleasure writing this story, and you'll see more of the Devil, mark my words. I might even outline the next story, as opposed to just pulling things out of thin air and writing them. I hope this has made sense, and I hope you've all enjoyed this run. And now, our feature presentation.

Part VI: The Ultimate Legal Challenge (part I)

"Get me a lawyer...get me a goddamn lawyer.", The President shouted to Dick as they retreated to the residence with the Obama family.

"You've already got one, George, you already retain Mr. Fielding as White House Counsel."

The President was in no mood to be contradicted, "He got me into this damn mess, I want someone else to get me out of it. Get me Johnny Cochran."

"He's dead...and Satan has retained him for the possibility of acting as his own legal counsel."

"Get me that Darrow fella that got the Monkeys off."


"Get me R. Lee Ermey."

"He's not even a lawyer, and the Devil barred him from the trial. Apparently he's afraid of a hostile takeover in the name of God."

"GAH!", The President responded. Dick grunted and grimaced, upset that not only were they in a bit of a jam with no end in sight, but also that his boner deflated big time. They were going to need a hell of a lawyer, and they were going to need one soon.

"Call my daddy, he needs to be in on this. He knows what the Devil is like...he used to play golf with him and Ronnie Regan."
"YOU'RE REPLACING ME?! WITH FUCKING COCHRAN?!", The Lead Counsel screeched at Satan, "WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"Look, Lead Counsel, you've served me well in the past, but I truly need someone crafty to beat whoever the President is going to throw at me. He's stolen an election, won one, and brokered a deal with us to sell the world in order to try and get a third, indefinite term. Honestly, I'm kinda scared of this guy, and it's mostly because of that Cheney dude. Did you see him at the Inauguration? The bastard had a hard on the size of a MagLite when I stepped onto the stage."

"I don't care if it was the length and width of a football field, YOU'RE DUMPING ME FOR COCHRAN?!"

"God, you're still on that? Look, you can second chair if you like..."

"Oh no. No no no no. You want to fuck me? Fine. You're gonna get fucked back! I'm gonna go work for W."

Burt the Devil was clearly not pleased with this, "Wha?! Oh, come on, Lead Coun...do you even have a name I can call you?"

"Call me John."

Burt shrugged, "It always comes down to John. Anyway, come on, John, you can't go and do a stupid thing like that."

John the Lead Counsel was still defiant, feeling that he was massively slighted. This aggression would not stand. "Oh, I can and I will. You want to dump me, then I'm going to go work for the very guy you oppose. See you in court."
Senator Obama consulted with The President about the trial, later that very day.

"I want to be named co-defendant in the trial against Satan, George."

Dick snarled at the Senator, "That's Mr. President to you, Senator. You're not sworn in yet.". He then muttered, "If ever", as if he were actually going to do something about it. His intent glare at a .45 in his desk drawer supported such thinking, and Dick felt himself rigid again.

"Sorry", he replied sternly to Dick, "Mr. President, I'd like to be names a co-defendant since I'm President Elect."

W laughed in his trademark Texas via Connecticut drawl, "Now why would you want to get involved in a fish fry like this, boy?!" As usual, his smile faded quickly once he realized what he said, which took all of 30 seconds. A new record. "Oh..."

The Senator's face became ever so slightly enraged, not enough to look threatening but enough to show he meant business. His tone of voice was even all throughout, and he did not raise his voice above normal speaking. This, however, did not stop him from sounding like a scorned man who was ready to kick someone's ass. "Now look here, you politically inbred, stuck up, backwater, Connectifuck Cowboy looking asshole. I've taken too much shit from you and your camp to completely sit back and smile as I normally would do to avoid confrontation. The fate of the world, the entire world, is in your hands, and all you can do is sit around and whine for your father or a new lawyer or reruns of Hee Haw. No one will take you seriously like that, in fact no one ever did. All your party did was wait until you were looking the other way and pour poison into your ear about the Middle East and the Economy. You've forced some hard scrabble times on the Middle and Lower Class, and I can't stand for that. So you either listen to me, or I'll make sure that when this is over you'll be grateful to be elected Dog Catcher, because one way or another I will be in that courtroom and I will defend this great nation, and all the nations of the world."

W's mouth was still agape. So was Dick's. So was H.W.'s mouth as he entered the room. Even Michelle Obama was shocked at the tone her husband took.

"Shit...that's fine by me. Let's strategerize."

"Oh, and if you ever call me 'boy' again, I'll make sure you can't walk fifty feet without having to take a shit."

Dick sneered, obviously not learning the lesson his lackey had a couple minutes ago, "How's that possible?"

President Elect Obama just glared at him, and not only did Dick's MagLite go away, but he had shat himself right then and there. H.W. laughed.

"I knew I should have ran Jeb."

A bright flash materialized in the middle of the room, revealing itself to be John, the Devil's former Lead Counsel, "Nah, Jeb isn't as fun to laugh at as George."

Everyone in the room was stunned, and as George Sr.'s jaw dropped he asked, "Who the Hell are you?"

"I'm John, the Devil's now former lead counsel. And boy, do I have a deal for you?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Chief Justice Roberts paced back and forth, thinking about the next day's trial. He thought to himself, "Goddamn it, is this job only about selecting the lesser of two evils to rule the world? I thought I was going to get hard hitting constitutional and judicial challenges. Rezone a district, have my say on abortion, at least get tickets to Spamalot out of the whole deal. Instead I act as nothing more than a tie breaker. I knew I should have taken up gospel singing like Ashcroft. At least HE was useless without feeling it."

Tomorrow would be an interesting day. Though the big question was, for whom?
Next time: Part VII: The Ultimate Legal Challenge (part II)


Dave B. said...

This aggression will not stand, man.

The Dude abides.

Nice work, sir.

Mr. Controversy said...

Thank you, thank you very much.

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