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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Thursday, July 31, 2008

Epic Failure of the Day

Hey kids, wanna buy a poster for the shittiest movie of the summer signed by Carmen Elektra and Kim Kardashian? Funny, neither does anyone else. Ebay is running four different auctions for said item for the Elisabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation. Who's drug induced idea was this?! To think that Carmen Elektra and Kim Kardashian are popular enough to not only be a box office draw, but also to be able to raise money for a charitable cause. If these auctions raise any money, it'll be because people believe in giving to charity...and what says charity like giving money to the retarded?! (Again, this is the usage of the word retarded as according to popular vernacular. I am not making fun of anyone who's mentally disabled in any way, suck it bitches.) The retarded being the people who made Disaster Movie, mind you. I'd like to see this make a decent amount of coin, because AIDS research is something that is continually advancing, and lengthening lives every day. I just think they should have went with a better item for auction. I say, they should have gotten a signed Dark Knight poster, dipped in Gold, and breathed on by Sir Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman themselves. THAT would have raised money.

I will say this though, the new TV spot has done one thing right...they kill Paulie Bleeker from Juno. Ah, Paulie...you poor, castrated manboy. You finally escaped the hell that is Juno MacGuff. A flight of dancing condors sing the to thy rest. So, here's a list of the reasons why you "should" see Disaster Movie:

- You LOVE movie catchphrases being mocked in horrific ways.

- You LOVE seeing movies being reduced to said catchphrases, and being mocked by vulgarity and slapstick violence. (i.e. cows being dropped, clothing being ripped, people being stomped by elephants, and babies kicking horsefaced people in the face.)

- You LOVE the movie 10,000 BC.

- You LOVE the thought of Amy Winehouse as an alcoholic Sabretoothed Tiger who drinks and eats babys.

- You LOVE when superheroes are mocked by a shoestring budget costume that even a kid from the ghetto would say is poorly constructed.

- You LOVE bottom of the barrel dialogue that point blank explains what they're making fun of. ("What is this Enchanting place?" ::taxi cab::)

- You LOVE Carmen Elektra and Kim Kardashian

- You LOVE Tony Cox and how he manages to "make everything funny" merely by being a black midget who's cast in iconic roles. (This time, he's Indiana Jones.)

- You LOVE getting gangraped in the eyes and ears and keep seeing shitty films like this.

If you don't LOVE all of that, then frankly you need not apply. If you do, get ready for the fun! (::sarcasm off::)

I was once told my by my girlfriend's sister that, "Some movies exist just because they have to exist...like Sex and the City and Mamma Mia." No...no they don't. They waste money that could fund truly original movies and they waste money that could be put to other uses. They waste the space that could be occupied by the next Citizen Kane, they waste the space they occupy on DVD shelves, and most importantly they waste the time, sight, hearing, and minds of all who see them. To some it is a willing theft, to others it is nothing more than a blight on this very land we live in. I say stop it now! Knock the shit off Hollywood, and give us some real fucking product! Or you know what...we'll stop going to the movies all together.

In fact...I think that should happen. The weekend of August 29th, DON'T SEE ANYTHING! Don't see anything in the theatres in honor of the shitfest that is Disaster Movie. Don't let anyone drag you to it. If you're a parent, ground your kids. If you're a kid, get some fucking common sense. If you're a twenty something, start growing a goddamn brain. If you're an elderly person, you wouldn't see this anyway, it'd be too loud and crass. If you're anywhere in between, read a book! Maybe if none of the movies of Hollywood gross anything that weekend, then people will see what truly needs to be done. I encourage an Audience Strike. If Hollywood can threaten to strike or strike, leaving us with this dreck as "entertainment", then fuck them. They answer to us: the audience. That's their excuse for hampering original works, "It won't sell with Middle America", "People loved this movie, let's make twenty more like it", "I don't think that'll play with the Christian right". So since we have such pull that we didn't even know about, let's use it. When you see a movie like Disaster Movie (which isn't well received at all) getting a wider release than Midnight Meat Train (which has horror film junkies foaming at the mouth, and is getting unceremoniously dumped in bargain theatres for its opening run) just think to yourself...What Would The Joker Do? Answer: He's put a smile on the face of those responcible and cause havoc in Hollywood. Don't go to the movies on August 29th, and protest the Unethical Treatment of the Moviegoing Public.

As a parting gift, Sir Michael Caine and Steve Martin will be inviting everyone for drinks; which would be another, much better way of raising money for a charitable cause that deserves every penny it can get.

FINAL NOTE UPDATE: It looks like Lionsgate in general is organizing these auctions, because posters from The Spirit are also being auctioned off. Do the kids a favor, go for these posters instead. Think of a bid you'd make, then double it, so as to compensate for the lack of bids for the Disaster Movie posters. Or maybe we could bid on who gets to set them on fire. Behold, The Spirit auction...http://www.superherohype.com/news/spiritnews.php?id=7556


Dave B. said...

A faux pas: Don't ever encourage circulation. Just let it happen. If it's gonna happen, it'll happen, and if not, it won't.

Kinda like prayer.

Anyway, I think the reason to see movies like Disaster Movie is to send the message that "hey, this simplistic slapstick of your shitty movies is better than your shitty movies."

Chew on that logic.

I'm gonna go watch part of Naked Gun now.

Dave B. said...

And another thing! Not going to this primitive crap is like not buying a Weird Al album.

Come on man.

Then again, I'm White and Nerdy. :P

Mr. Controversy said...

A.) Faux pas indeed. The circulation bit has been removed. It did sound rather desperate.

B.) Naked Gun was actually a good movie, which is why it works. Disaster Movie and others of the ilk fail because of one key thing...they aren't funny.

C.) Isn't watching OJ getting the shit beat out of him by fate fun?

Dave B. said...

Who wouldn't enjoy watching OJ get pummeled?

Dave B. said...

Another afterthought:

I'd pay good money to charity for a night with Carmen Elektra duct-taped to my bedposts.

On second thought, I wouldn't.

That whole "Dennis Rodman" thing really ruins any sexual thoughts about her.

Mr. Controversy said...

Yeah, it kinda does...still, take an antibiotic beforehand, make sure to wrap the lil' bastard up properly, and sally forth! Oh, and make a doctor's appointment for the next day, just in case.

Seresecros said...

Steve Martin's face is valiantly resisting the idea of smiling, and it is awesome.

Mr. Controversy said...

He ultimately must smile because he's standing next to Sir Michael Caine...you can't help but smile around him. (And it's contractually stipulated that you must as well.)

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