It was only a matter of time before shit like this started to get made, all thanks to Diablo Fucking Cody "winning" an Oscar for Best "Original" Screenplay. (Is teenage angst and teenage pregnancy "original"? I don't know, ask the Lifetime network, they make so many goddamn movies about it they could have their OWN awards show.)
Still, there is another movie to blame. One that was the pregenetor to Juno. One that inspired Diablo Cody to take its premise and add pregnancy and a female protagonist to it.
That's right! Thanks to all of your support to Napoleon Dynamite, a new generation of filmmakers realized that all they need to make a successful "independent film" is the following:
- No name or low level actor/actress naive enough to think you're a fucking genius.
- A script with "out there" shenanigans and goings on.
- A soundtrack no one will ever have heard of, but NEEDS to go out and buy after the movie so they aren't behind the curve.
- ONE catch phrase and/or visual object that acts as a catchphrase.
We went from independent studios producing quiet introspective films and documentaries that major studios wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole to shill factories that produced hamburger phones in a matter of a few short years. Do you know WHY?! Because major studios created their own "independent" branches. Fox Searchlight, Warner Independent, Paramount Vantage, Focus Features...ALL "independent branches", not "independent studios". Still bankrolled by major studios, still supplying major studios with money, only this is where the "prestige" pictures go. The ones that are actually good and deserve a shot at the Oscar.
At least they were, until Juno came out. When Juno was released by Fox Searchlight (which was the studio that also released, you guessed it, Napoleon Dynamite), it was a harsh wake up call to movie fans. That call was, "Sorry folks, we're in it for the money too." Not only did the fucking thing get nominated and win at the Oscars, it made money. Expect more independent branches to sell out and make films that continue to compromise art and commerce. At this point, what's stopping the independent branches from being absorbed into the parent branch?
Hollywood, can we go back to making REAL movies instead of this shit you continue to push upon us? You've already had a writer's strike, and now you're almost primed for an actor's strike that'll rob us of more "entertainment". Just how much shit to you expect us to swallow, while those who aren't as talented are asking to be paid as much as those who are. We're supposed to suffer a writer's strike, so the idiots who wrote Disaster Movie get paid as much as the geniuses behind Dark Knight and Wall-E?!
Hollywood, all you're really doing is recycling the same shit over and over. Man the fuck up, collect your paycheck, and fucking EARN more money. Maybe then you'll think twice before whining. As for the actors/writers who DESERVE more money, I want them to get paid. The pretenders to the throne can go fuck themselves.
And on a final note...
Dear Michael Cera,
I promise you, after you've made the Arrested Development movie, you won't have to make another Juno inspired piece of shit like this where you're merely reduced to nothing more than a manaquin sounding board for some "quirky" female's thoughts. Until then, you fucking rocked in Superbad.
Hang in there,
P.S. Operation: Celluloid Inferno is at yellow status. Who want's in?