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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Monday, July 7, 2008

Repent!

Goodbye Facebook, goodbye MySpace, goodbye Hotmail! No, I'm not talking about your office's network filtering protocols, I'm talking about The Internet! The end of the Internets is near! At least, according to a report in British newspaper, The Times, which was "dutifully" reported on Fox News this morning.

Apparently, the numerical addresses that link machines to the internet are running out of available permutations because the system was designed back in 1981, when there were fewer than 500 Internet able computers. The report goes on to say that by 2011, only thirty years after its creation, the Internet will dry up. (You can find that story here: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,376871,00.html)
Where's Al Gore when you need him? He's off protecting the Environment, he can't even launch a campaign of awareness for the very environment he created. Why, oh why are you neglecting your precious Nets, Mr. Gore? Say it ain't so, Al. Say it ain't so. Well, since there's limited planning as to how this is going to be solved, I've come up with some helpful (read: extremely biased, and if any of these works, I get fucking credit and royalties) suggestions as to how we can solve this internet crisis:

- Turn addresses into complex math equations, so that way only the really smart people (or those who have access to really smart people) can access the internet.
- Dump the numerical code, and start giving linguistic codes. The permutations would increase exponentially because you could use the local language to encode local machines.

- Plug Bill Gates into the internet. Let him rearrange it physically, and if need be he can fight it for dominance over the globe's information, a la Lawnmower Man.

- End the creation of numerous porn sites, and allow a break in anti trust laws to create a porn monopoly. Either that, or create an internet just for that.

- Trust in Wall-E. He'll be able to help the Internet...in about 700 years, after he's developed a personality via repeated viewings of Hello, Dolly.

- Jack Bauer. That's all you need to get things done.

All smartassedness aside, I hope the Internet doesn't die anytime soon. But if it does, can I be either one of the Four Horsemen or the lone prophet who shouts the heralding of end times? Either role would suit me well, and I'm sure I could find three other horsemen/women. Oh well, rest assured that if the Internet dies so do Perez Hilton, Pete Wentz/Ashlee Simpson, and anyone else I (and others) would write off as merely a figment of the internet's imagination. Plus, it'd kill the careers of YouTube stars. Where's your God now, Chris Crocker?!

Fear not, for as long as there's an Internet, there will always be a Controversy. I'm Mr. Controversy, I should know.

2 comments:

Seresecros said...

No! If the internet goes bust, then where will I go to find out about how strong Chuck Norris is?

Mr. Controversy said...

A.) Chuck Norris < Jack Bauer. Scientific fact, I'm sorry.

B.) I just hope that the Internet doesn't turn into some postapocalyptic wasteland a la Mad Max. When your savior is Mel Gibson, YOU need rehab.

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