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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Monday, August 4, 2008

Another reason to drink Smirnoff

I was perusing the Internet for delights that would pass the time at work, without getting me fired, when I came upon a banner that linked to one of the most horrific visions I had ever seen. Behold your new God...if this were an "Absolut" world.

Had enough? No, you haven't, because in an Absolut world, everyone would be Kanye West.

Now you've had enough! So, do you all like the Absolut world? Pretty nice, isn't it? Of course not. This is a world where Hell truly does reside on Earth. A world with billions of Kanye Wests, all sporting pink hair and humongous guts. A world so villainous and so heinous that not even Miley Cyrus would want to inhabit it. (Her "absolut" world would be a true nightmare.) A world, where something like this happens:

I know what you're thinking, "He's bitching again?! C'mon, I mean it's funny and all, but what alternatives are YOU offering? Huh, wannabe blogging asshole?" If that's truly what you're thinking, hey, calm the fuck down, ok? We're all friends here, so there's no sense in anyone getting hostile here. Remember, you're among friends. Also, fuck you right back, here's my idea of an "Absolut" world.

- I'd already have three books out, would be working on a fourth, and would also have one in development for a motion picture. My movie would gross more than Tucker Max's movie, simply because Robert Downey Jr. would play me. Also, it'd be funnier and I don't think I'm as much of a douchenozzle, seeing as I respect women.
- IMAX would have way more theatres open, and in more locations, so it isn't as sparce of a rarity it is now.
- DC Comics would have a Casino in Atlantic City, and I'd constantly be pimping it out, in exchange for permanent residence in the Ozymandias Suite
- Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers would be working their asses off in a coalmine...where all other wannabe pop stars would be employed until they came out decent human beings.
- The American political system would be radically overhauled to give a shit about the American public and would not only make it impossible, if not extremely hard, to steal an election; it would also...take care of its citizens.
- U.S. borders would be strictly enforced and immigration closely monitored. Not stopped altogther, just monitored. You would also have to speak AT LEAST fifth grade English in order to live in America. Sorry, I understand that this is a land of opportunity and a melting pot, but if you really want to live here, show you can assimilate into the culture. I am not a xenophobe, I just like to understand what people are saying. My father and his parents came over from Puerto Rico, and they all speak some English. (My father is naturally fluent in both English and Spanish, seeing as he brought over as a child and raised in New York.)
- The news media would cover actual news, and morning chat shows would be reduced to hour long blocks. The View would be retooled to include an equal number of men and women, so instead of one long hour of hens pecking on about useless shit, we'd have actual discussion that would stimulate opinions from both genders.
- Peace on Earth, Equal Rights for All, blah blah blah, my final advent: Every Sunday would be "Jet Pack and Tuxedo" day, because Sundays are boring as shit and need some sort of spicing up.

Before we close, I'd like to ask you all: what would your "Absolut" world be? And now, to actually close, even more of what we all love to laugh at...the stupidity of the common moron.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die


Kurgan said...


F@*K Y%U!

That's ME!

Oh, damn, I have said too much already....delte post, delete post...damnit! delet..

Dave B. said...

In an Absolut world, I'd be in charge.

Who is Perez Hilton?

Better yet, don't tell me.

I think it's better that I don't know.

Dave B. said...

Oh, smirnoff sucks too. Drink Stoli. It's worth the extra buck fiddy.

Mr. Controversy said...

Kurgan, rest assured, your secret is safe with me. Just who were you though?

Dave B - I wish I was you and didn't know who Perez Hilton was. He's a cancer on the internet and he's just a general fucktard...it's been proven and widely accepted.

Dave B. said...

Good, so my complete ignorance on the topics of pop culture is serving me well. Excellent.

See, it pays to be an introvert.

Kurgan said...


The first guy with the turned up collar.

Hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time.


Chez said...

That is seriously the best thing ever. If it weren't for the fact that prevailing winds might blow the fallout over New York City, I'd say nuke the Jersey Shore.

Mr. Controversy said...

Nah...as history has taught us, nuking your enemies isn't fun. Gunning them down personally is way more fun. Besides, if the Jersey Shore goes, then I go. (Literally, I'm only half an hour from the water, so if the blast radius didn't get me, the poisonous mushroom clouds would.)

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