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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The Devil v. George W. Bush: A Short Fiction, Part VII

This will be the final part of The Devil v. George W. Bush to hit the Internets. I may revise the story, and add an epilogue, so that I may actually produce a book/novella from it that I can shop around and get published. Sorry if I've outraged anyone, and I'll confirm what you're all thinking right now...I am indeed a sell out. However, I'm a sell out who still cares about providing content to his fans, and has only sold out slightly.

Part VII: The Ultimate Legal Challenge (part II)

The media was out in force the next day. Fox, ABC, CNN, MSNBC, NBC...any combination of letters that spelt "news" in people's minds was represented. Telemundo even had cameras there, to make sure the Spanish speaking population didn't miss a beat. Most of the Spanish viewers would turn the channel though, after finding out that the hearing that day would not involve immigration reform or border politics.

Fox's coverage was graphic heavy and included a remix of Ave Satani from the Omen mashed up with the Fox News theme, while the crawl at the bottom talked of Satan's possible links to Paris Hilton as a lover, and also speculated that Obama was secretly planning this whole incident from the beginning. Karl Rove lamented he resigned so soon, because he was missing out on his only chance to meet his future boss/mentor on Earth.

NBC's coverage was Tom Brokaw talking to a panel of theologists, political strategists, and at least one business expert; each of them speculating what this whole mess spelled out for mankind and its various citizens. MSNBC had the same coverage as NBC, only Keith Olbermann would pop in throughout to give his take on the situation, as Tucker Carlson silently was strangled by his bowtie. (The Devil truly hated him and thought it'd be amusing to have him flailing about in the background.)

CNN had Wolf Blitzer doing Situation Report specials for 24 hours straight, ever since Inauguration Day. He was later claimed to have "pulled an O'Reilly" and snapped on camera claiming, "The flies, the flies...the flies are eating me! Sweet Jesus, will anyone do anything about the flies?!" Anderson Cooper took over shortly, while CNN decided they had to put old Wolfie down.

ABC did a special edition of The View, in which Barbara Walters bragged about sleeping with the Devil in the 50's to get onto the Today Show, Joy Behar made some vagina jokes, Star Jones ate a dog whole, and Elizabeth Hasselbeck spoke in tongues and made a virgin sacrifice to her new lord and master. Whoopi Goldberg would resign that day, citing that she couldn't "take this shit" anymore and was "off to some place where the crackers made sense". Apparently, that place was her apartment, where she continued to watch the complete series of Seinfeld on DVD.

CBS, PBS, and all other networks just ran normal programming, because they couldn't wrap their heads around the situation happening. Even Comedy Central took the day off because, as Steven Colbert put it on his Inauguration Day coverage special on the Colbert Report, "You can't write stuff like this. Honestly, the jokes just write themselves with this mess. It's as if a bad writer were pulling the strings behind the scene, and all we're doing is watching it on TV like a mindless drove of drones. Bad move America, bad move." (Colbert eventually lightened up and said that he hoped The Devil stood by his choice of picking a Celine Dion song as the Global Anthem.)

The world was pretty much running the way it should, the only difference being the Devil might be owning it in a couple hours or so. You wouldn't know it by the television coverage though.
The benches were filled in Congress, as senators and constituents alike filled the chamber. The public, for once, was interested in proceedings of government, and as such they showed up in force to watch the battle for the world. Satan sat off to the side, wondering why now of all times the world decided to give a shit about something important. He just laughed it off, with the spectral presence of Johnny Cochran sitting next to him filling his briefs.

Johnny tried to appeal to the Dark Lord's sensibilities one more time, seeing as he thought there was a high probability of them losing, as well as the fact that the Lead Counsel said if he won, he'd string Johnny up by his tie so his victory would be short lived.

"You know, we could settle right now, Satan. Get you visitation rights, holiday weekends in charge, make Halloween a holiday for you to come out and rule everything. And you'd get candy out of the deal."

Burt, Satan, whatever you want to call him; he sat and sighed, "Look Johnny, I wouldn't be the Devil if I didn't want to rule the world, and I do! So I'm going through with this trial whether you like it or not, and I'm going to show the world once and for all that Mr. Bush is a world class dunderhead."

Johnny paused, "Buddy, that's like showing the Earth it has watter on it."

John The Lead Counsel came in with his client and his codefendants, the President, Vice President, and President Elect. They sat down, and John opened his briefcase, produced a couple documents, and then glared at Satan and his attorney. Satan was a little uncomfortable, Johnny looked like he was about to shit himself, and newly added second chair Alberto Gonzalez smirked, ready to take on anything.

"Al?!", the President exclaimed with shock, "What gives? I thought you were on my side?"

"Satan says if we win the case, I get to waterboard you all.", Gonzalez replied as he laughed and laughed maniacally.

A tear came to Dick's eyes. He looked like Christmas was ruined, "But...but...*sniffle* I was supposed to do the waterboarding." He wiped his eyes and took back his trademark snarl, "It's not fair...IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR, GONZALEZ! I WILL RIP YOU IN HALF, EAT YOU UP, AND SHIT YOU ONTO THE STEPS OF CONGRESS! BRING IT ON!"

All of a sudden, there was an indentation in the center of the table. Dick's dick was fueled and ready to go, yet again.

"Jesus Christ, get a cup!", Obama exclaimed, evidently grossed out by Cheney's erection. Everyone else either puked, laughed, or hid under their seat. Either way, the trial was about to begin. The judge stepped out, and took his seat on the bench.

"All rise, the not so honorable Bill O'Reilly presiding."

Everyone stood as Bill O'Reilly, fully dressed in judges' robes, came out and took his seat.

"Thanks everyone. You may be seated. I'd like to start today's trial with today's talking point: Would Satan be a Better Ruler for Earth? My answer: No. Hell no, in fact. Satan has tried to rule this green Earth multiple times in the history of Man. I would say that the reason he hasn't won is because, well he's just not the guy. If Satan were supposed to rule the world, God would have let him and all of this "nonsense" called the Bible would be gone. Unfortunately, that's the Liberal revisionist history version of how history would have went. Call me crazy, but that's not how it went in The Good Book, so that's not how it'll go in my book. Let's get onto today's trial after these messages."

The Cameraman behind the camera reminded "Judge" O'Reilly that they were indeed not on air, because the camera still needed to be set up. O'Reilly grimaced, "We'll do it on the air than."

The Cameraman looked upset, knowing where this was going, "But, the delay with the camera...we'll need to go directly into the trial if we're going to fit this into the timeslot we were given."

O'Reilly started to get a little more perturbed, "We'll do it on the air, I'll remember it."

The Producer of the telecast, through an earpiece in Bill's ear, said, "Just go with the script, Bill. Cut directly to the trial."


O'Reilly then went deathly grey and slumped over the judges bench. Death stood behind his corpse. "Fuck. Satan, I owe you ten dollars. You really had him under your control the whole time?"

"Ever since he started at Inside Edition."

"Wow, good smokescreen. No one would assume a Bible thumper were possessed by the Devil."

"That's just how I roll, my man."

Death claimed his soul, the body disappeared, and a new judge was needed. At short notice, Michael Moore was found in the audience, with a Cheney in his pants after O'Reilly's death. Before he could run off to tend to it, he was given the judge's robes and asked to sit in as judge.

"Five minutes, Mr. Moore", the Cameraman spoke, as he was futzing with some wires to make the camera work for the broadcast. Michael Moore stood up, pointed his finger at George and Dick, and had this to say: "You miserable, fucking bastards! You're goin' down, do you hear me? You are truly going down to Hell. If I had to choose between you and Satan to rule the world, I'd choose Satan because he got me my Oscar and he got Sicko greenlit. Sure, it didn't make any money, but it sure made those who pirated it think about just what this country is doing for its sick and ailing....HURGH!"

Michael Moore was dead, from heart attack generated by the blood rushing to his member after his...Cheney...burst. Death once again stood behind the body.

"Was that true?"

"Yeah, I got him the Oscar. Sicko was his own doing though...greedy Hollywood."

"Sheesh. Can we get a judge to stay, for once?"

Satan thought for a little. They needed someone that would be fair, impartial, was tv ready, and easy not to kill. Satan had a brainstorm, but for this he'd need God's help.
God, who looked like Jimmy Stewart, was sitting up in his Heaven, watching a live performance of Milton Berle's Texaco Star Theatre, when his cell phone rang.

"God, omnipotent, omnipresent, and omnivorous since 0. How may I direct your call?"

"God, it's Satan. I have a favor."

"Hey, Satan! You horrid, horrid man. How's things on the opposite number?"

"It's not so good, God. I'm fighting for custody of the world and I need a good and impartial..."

"Say no more, I read the description a couple lines back and I've already sent my guy."

"Oh...thanks God. See you at the Tennis match."

"No problem, Satan." God hung up his cell phone, as Milton Berle approached him in a dress.

"God, are you ok? You look as if you've gotten a bad phone call."

"Nah, Miltey. It's just Satan is trying to take over the world and needed a judge."

"Wow...I'm dead and my ex-wife still wants to milk me for everything I've got. Talk about determination. I haven't seen this much spirit since I played golf with Stubby Kaye. Oy."

A rimshot sounded, God laughed, and the show went on.
Five minutes after his phone call, a new judge showed up in the judge's chambers. He was robed, and ready to go. Everyone was shocked to see none other than the spectral presence of Fred "Mister" Rogers himself. Judge Rogers took the bench with a smile.

"You may be seated everyone", he said in his traditionally sunny demeanor. He slipped off his sneakers, put on his dress shoes, and sat down, so that he may hear the opening statements of both lawyers. The Prosecution was up first, and as the Lead Counsel rose, President Elect Obama signaled for him.

"Let me open."

"No. No one knows Satan better than me."

"I know that, but people don't want to be antagonized. They want to be told the facts and they want them simply as possible. I'm opening, and I'm closing, and unless you're gonna take me out then you can't do anything about it."

Death stood next to the President Elect, "And I'm not gonna take him out. I think he's cool. President Elect, you may make your opening statement."

Obama took the floor, and cleared his throat. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we are in a bit of a situation here. Our former president, tried to sell us into another crisis. A crisis so great, that partisan politics itself is rendered mute. A crisis so wide reaching, it effects us all. There's a time to forgive, and there's a time to avenge; and now is a time to forgive the President his fault."

The courtroom almost erupted with chatter, but a stern, yet friendly look from Judge Rogers kept everyone in their seats, rapt with attention.

"The time has come to unify, and to forget that our own leaders engineered this crisis, because if we do not unite and face this menace, then it will be our downfall and we will see a thousand years of darkness. We must unite and say, "No, Satan. You will not take this world, you will not take our happiness, and you will not take this world."

The crowd cheered and whooped. Satan was going to have a lot to live up to. Johnny Cochran stood up to speak, but Satan asked him to sit down. He would instead give his opening statement.

"People of the Earth, I'm Satan. You might not like me, you definately know who I am, and I will warn you all that I am not one to be trifled with. I have every trick up my sleeve that you can think of, and I WILL use them. Now then, if we want to put an end to all of this foolishness, we can go to Bennigan's for that lunch I promised you all."

Judge Rogers looked at Satan, "Mr. Satan, I hate to break it to you, but that Bennigan's closed down. The company went bankrupt due to the economic pressures our nation has been facing. Haven't you read the papers?"

Time froze. Satan stood frozen in his place. "They....they....they closed?"

Judge Rogers nodded his head and Satan began to cry...massively.

"NOOOOOOO! WHY OH WHY DID MY BENNIGAN'S HAVE TO CLOSE DOWN?! IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S SO NOT FAIR!" He dried his eyes with a tissue from Mr. Cochran, and then he pouted. "You know what, you can keep your stupid world! A world without Bennigan's is a world I don't want to live in! C'mon Johnny, Alberto; let's go back to Hell."

Johnny stood up, and said, "Sorry, God needs me back. I atoned for the O.J. thing, remember? I'm squared away."

Alberto, on the other hand, was quaking, "But...but...but...but...but". This put a smile on the Devil's face. A smile not unlike the smile when the prison tough sees his new bitch. He dragged Alberto, kicking and screaming, out the door.

"Well...", The Lead Counsel said, "...that does it I guess. Back to Hell for me!" And with that, John ran out the door to catch up to Satan. He did ever so love a good waterboarding.
The floor of Congress erupted in cheers of joy and rapture. Everyone, regardless of beliefs, was cheering and yelling their lungs out. Except for the Satanists, but they were home on the couch, drinking Mountain Dew and watching Oprah as usual. President Elect Obama took the stand with Chief Justice Roberts, and Judge Rogers. They finished swearing him in, and the crowd cheered yet again.

Judge Rogers sighed and smiled, "Well, it's time for me to go back to Heaven. Milton Berle's warming up for his second show about now, and I'm scheduled to make an appearance. Peace be with you all!" As he left, everyone could hear him whistling, "It's Such a Good Feeling", and started to sing along with the tune. As the tune ended, now President Obama stood in front of now ex President Bush.

"So...Barry. Hope there's no hard feelings.", he said as a laurel and hardy handshake to our new president. The President smiled...and pimp slapped W and Cheney both as hard as he could.

"If I EVER find out you two have done something stupid like this again, I'll make good my my threat. Which means you better buy stock in Depends, just in case."

The President joined the throng in another sing along, while George and Dick walked off into obscurity.
Burt The Devil was having a conversation with John The Lead Counsel, as they waterboarded Alberto Gonzalez.

"Do you think anyone misses him?"

"Nah. Who misses torture? Besides Jack Bauer."

They both laughed...though at the same time the cowered. They knew that Saint Bauer didn't like his name invoked in vain, and had been subject to many asswhoopings as a consequence.

"Were you ever going to betray me, John?"

"Nah. You're too fun. Besides, I have someone else lined up for you to do business with."

"Oh? Do tell?"

"When's the last time you visited Georgia?"

"The state, or the country?"

"Which one would you rather deal with?"
The End...For Now.
The Devil and John MIGHT return in "The Devil and Paris Hilton: BFF's 4Ever"


Dave B. said...


Excellent work sir!

Constructive Note, though: I've noticed this when reading novels that are concurrent and along a timeline, and it adds to the bulk of the text too. When talking about something that happened in a past installment, explain the whole thing again.

Case in point: Someone reading this for the first time won't know why Satan is being called Burt.

Just a helpful tip.

Fun read, man. Great work.

Mr. Controversy said...

Thanks for the tip, Dave. Glad you enjoyed it, and that bit about the sequel at the end is true. I'm giving serious thought to the plot for "The Devil and Paris Hilton: BFF's 4Ever".

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