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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Friday, August 15, 2008

My Abusive Relationship With Hollywood, Episode 6: Goddamn You, Warner Bros.

Something's wrong with this picture.

See that? It says, "In theatres, July 17, 2009." Surely they jest, I mean we've all been waiting for Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince for roughly...a year or so. I mean, the production finished on time, and the trailer was released. The domestic trailer says, "November"; and the International trailer says "This Year"...no, really, look at it:

Even IMAX has flyers printed up that say "November 21, 2008", or at least the Tropicana did. So how the hell is this true. What? You mean Warner Brothers passed on releasing the latest installment of one of the most marketable frachises in the world in the Fall of this year? Yeah, right! Next you're going to tell me that Warner Brother is dumping Trick 'R Treat, which was delayed after they included the trailer on the 2 Disc DVD for 300.

I mean, c'mon; any studio that dumps a picture with Anna Paquin as a hot assed Little Red Riding Hood, HAS to be legally insane. Plus, it looks insanely good, just like RockNRolla.

WHAT?! You say that BOTH of them are being dumped? No...no, that can't be. RockNRolla showed up to ComicCon this year. So did Watchmen! What are you going to tell me next, that Watchmen is going to be pushed into a summer slot for a "Tentpole release"? Thank god the last one was false, but all the others are true. Which bring us to pose the question, "WHAT THE IN THE CHRIST HUMPING, DOG SHITTING, ANDY DICK LOVING BLUE HELL IS GOING ON AT WARNER BROTHERS?!" I mean we're trying to make one of their movies into the highest grossing films of all time, and THIS is how they repay us? Don't believe me? Here's the proof.


and most noticably, http://www.firstshowing.net/2008/08/15/harry-potter-delay-evokes-angry-outbursts-amongst-fans/

So, after bringing awesome pictures like Dark Knight and Speed Racer to our eyes, Warner Brothers is going to go full retard on its fans and delay Harry Potter, dump Trick 'R Treat after long delays, and shitcan RockNRolla - which looks like Guy Richie's blood soaked apology for Swept Away and Revolver? Welcome to Warner Brothers: the studio who brought you such hits as Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead, Angel Eyes, and Ready to Rumble! Oh...wait...those weren't hits. Sorry. Point is, Warner Brothers isn't the first studio to mismanage a movie, and First Showing.net has been resourceful to point this out. They also pointed out that Hot Fuzz and Children of Men both got fucked royally courtesy of Universal. You know, the studio that released Mamma Mia and Virus, which was ALSO privy to a release date delay but that was because the movie sucked so bad that Jamie Lee Curtis even mentioned it in an interview.

However, all of these decisions made in such a short span has made me question if the president of Warner Brothers, Alan Horn, hasn't lost his fucking mind. Trick 'R Treat has been languishing in the hands of Warner Brothers for a while now, originally being scheduled for release on October 7, 2007. As previously mentioned, the trailer was attached to the 300 DVD, in hopes of drumming up some interest in the film. Unfortunately, the film was removed from the 2007 release schedule, due to unspecified reasoning. It wouldn't have had much competition though, Feel The Noise, The Dark is Rising and The Heartbreak Kid were the only competition released on that weekend, and the only viable threat would have been Saw IV, which was set for release on October 26th. (And frankly, wouldn't have outdone Trick 'R Treat in the story department.)

That was ok though, it wasn't a major franchise, and it was done a couple months before the film was close to being released. Happens all the time. However, it never reappeared on the studio's release schedule...at least, until a couple of days ago, when this extremely awesome poster was released and an "assignment listing" was leaked stating that Trick 'R Treat was on for this October. Now, with both of these pieces of news, you would think it's pretty hopeful. I mean why release another poster if you weren't going to release a film? Plus, just in case we thought they were yanking our chain, the assignment list said it was on for this year, or at least very soon.

Nope. Sorry to say, it was all just one big misunderstanding. Warner Brothers had no intent of even releasing the film, and is currently trying to shop it around Hollywood. Which is EXACTLY what they're doing with RockNRolla. Why? Because they have "too many movies" after absorbing New Line Cinema into their studio, which they already owned. (Looks like the Lord of the Rings money ran out. I told you not to release Sex In The City...and look where you are now.) In fact, the Warners are also looking to unload decent looking cop drama Pride and Glory (Which was also scheduled for release for October 24th.) and Slumdog Millionaire, which is the next film from uber classy and versitile director Danny Boyle.

It gets better. I have forgotten to mention that along side the glut of new films being the downfall of RockNRolla, Chairman Horn was also quoted as saying that it was,"Too English". Excuse me? "Too English"? What the fuck are you on?! You're going to tell me that the James Bond movies, the repeated raping of Jane Austen's collected works, and THE FUCKING HARRY POTTER SERIES are going to be released, but RockNRolla is not because it's TOO FUCKING BRITISH?! All of those films mentioned are even more British than King George himself, and you're going to hide behind a lame assed excuse as it's "Too English? Maybe that's why Alan Horn is doing all of this: Alan Horn HATES the British. Connect the dots people:

- Dark Knight has Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Gary Oldman, and the late Heath Ledger. You've got three Englishmen and an Austrailian; and they starred in a mega hit.

- Trick 'R Treat features Anna Paquin and Brian Cox, a Canadian (who was raised in New Zealand) and a Scotsman, respectively. "Close enough".

- Pride and Glory has Colin Farrell...he's Irish, but in Mr. Horn's eyes it's probably "close enough".

- RockNRolla has Tom Wilkinson, Gerard Butler, Thandie Newton, and a slew of other people with funny accents from that part of the world.

- Danny Boyle is British, so goodbye Slumdog Millionaire; which is about some Indian kids in love. Honestly, didn't you people learn from Bend It Like Beckham? That shit don't fly over here in the US of A. We have WalMarts, y'all.

- Harry Potter...fuckall, it's so British you'll never see an American in there.

Massa Horn is merciful though. Our friends WB are saying that if RockNRolla doesn't get bought by another studio (They screened it for Sony and Lionsgate) they'll release it on a limited 800 screens, much like they did with Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, which starred everyones favorite superhero duo, Val Kilmer and Robert Downey Jr. (On top of being a funny film noir that could have made a killing, had it been marketed enough.) Hooptee-fucking-do, you goddamned chucklehead, now stop playing games and release your fucking own movies already!

Sadly, that's what it all comes down to folks...marketing. If they don't think your movie can move, it'll move alright, to another fucking studio or worse...the vault. To conclude, I believe Alan Horn is saddened that he didn't pick up Beer For My Horses, because honestly, that's just gonna topple the Dark Knight like a pyramid of beer cans at the local Piggly Wiggly. Fuck you Alan Horn, fuck you with a spiked horsecock. I'm a proudly outspoken American, but in this case I have to say England Prevails, bitch! I hope Albus Dumbledore fuck your shit up MASSIVELY, because he will!

Until next time, I'm Mr. Controversy, and I'm sure as hell not going to send you off to the weekend with that Toby Keith shit. Here's something more...pleasing.

Shame there were no plans for an IMAX release of Trick 'R Treat...you'd get to see that image in IMAX-erific splendor.


Dave B. said...

I'll say this once and maybe expound on it later.

Fuck Harry Potter.


Mr. Controversy said...

It'll be interesting to read you expound upon that.

Anonymous said...

I'm seriously considering reinvading you people again. Fix this, now! I want my Anna Paquin Little Red Riding Hood Poster/Action Figure!

I did not know she was British. Learning this new fact means that I am now in love with her.

Mr. Controversy said...

Serececros - I made a mistake. She's not British, she's Canadian. (She was also raised in New Zealand.)

Still, proceed to fall in love with her. A little snafu on my end shouldn't stop you.

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