- Mike Reyes
- Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: firstname.lastname@example.org
The Mr. Controversy Fan Club
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Dear Jack Cafferty,
I remember when you used to anchor on WPIX-11 back in the 1990's. Never though did I think you would ever be this vicious with a politician. Naturally, I'm in awe. Way to go on pwning Wolf Blitzer, and continue to be a professional ass kicker.
Sincerely, Mr. Controversy
Democratic: 140 ayes, 95 noes
Republican: 65 ayes, 133 noes, 1 not voting
TOTALS: 205 ayes, 228 noes
Every step of the way the Republicans have stood in the way of this bailout, and all proceedings surrounding it. Everything from voting it down, to throwing hissy fits during the talks, to even pulling a PR stunt where McCain wanted to "suspend" his campaign to take care of the nation's "sound" economy, it's all been one big show. The Republicans are becoming less and less likable, and more and more the laughing stock of the political community. Even their latest strategy, blaming Nancy Pelosi's speech, which blamed the President for the sagging economy, is cheap. So what?! She slammed your guy, everyone's been slamming your guy since day one. Man the fuck up and vote for the people, not against someone you have a grudge with. Besides, last time I checked (which was during the Republican National Convention) most of you wouldn't have wanted to have been seen with the man, due to the backdoor strategy that was being circulated: "If you still want to have a political career in the next 10 years, don't stand next to the retard." We've all come to expect as much from your party in the lines of hypocrisy, but could you be a little less transparent about it, we'd still like to give you a small benefit of the doubt. It would be nice to have a bipartisan agreement on the matter, and have everyone get along, but the fact is we're in an Election Year, and the last thing anyone wants to do is stand too close to the opposition.
It's simple: create a bailout package that lifts some of the pressure off of those of us who've made less than smart investment decisions. Relieve some of the pressure from the nation, and let them know it's safe to spend again. Once they're back in the stores, out in the streets, picking up $6 dollar lattes, the Economy should be able to boost up somewhat. Then, AND ONLY THEN, should you even think of trying to help out the corporations, because by then you'll be able to afford it more. Oh, and don't shift the bill to the taxpayers...if you want to stay in office, you best pay for this harebrained scheme of yours with your own bankroll. You're politicians, goddamnit, you can afford it! (And even if you can't, should you be really expecting us, the American people, to afford it?) I want every legislator, every member of Government, every Party Stooge to think, "Can I afford this?", when they go into a vote like this. Then, think to yourself, "Can they afford this?", which 8 times out of 10 will be "No". (Those other 2 times the answer will be, "Are you out of your fucking mind?! You think I can afford shit like this?!") In the end, it's not going to be easy to crunch numbers or complicated formulas that save us, it'll be pure, rational thought backed by cold, hard facts and a consensus by the majority to do something that'll benefit us all. Whoever said it was right, this shouldn't be done fast...it should be done right.
5. They have the funniest guest star roster EVER! Jerry Seinfeld, Al Gore, Tim Conway, James Carville, Chris Matthews, Andy Richter, David Schwimmer, Edie Falco, Matthew Broderick, and that’s mostly from Season 2! Plus, they are not just cop out appearances; they are flat out funny and satirical bits...cajun style.
4. Tina Fey has played Sarah Palin, so according to Republican guidelines she has foreign policy experience and is qualified to be a Vice Presidential candidate. She's pretended to be a woman who's pretended to be a political leader and a qualified running mate.
3. Smart funny is in short supply. This show makes up for at least 64% of it on television. Plus, smart funny is even funnier when really well written stupid funny comes into play. It’s high brow meets low brow, has some drinks, and makes a baby.
2. This show is a fitting replacement for Arrested Development. It has tightly woven continuity that leads to running gags, just like A.D. It has a dysfunctional family led by a boozing matriarch, just like A.D. Hell, it has Will Arnett just like A.D. Let’s just hope that NBC has more vision than Fox and doesn’t cancel it after three seasons. Will Arnett and Amy Poehler kinda has a kid on the way.
1. Jack Donaghy is my running mate, and any works of his being supported supports our Presidential campaign. So don’t forget to buy 30 Rock on DVD! Season 1 now available, and Season 2 coming October 7th! (Season 2 is also being rerun on Nbc.com. Episodes 5-9 are up.) Also, Season 3 premieres on October 30th, so you have plenty of time to catch up and memorize the lyrics to “Werewolf Bar Mitzvah”.
Friday, September 26, 2008
This is all fair and good, but one would think that Sarah Palin has outgrown her image as a beauty queen...right? Wrong: Miss Informed 2008
Yes, it is indeed Christmas for the Democrats. Especially with Grandpa Cranky Pants McGee agreeing to the debates tonight, which should mean no postponement for the VP Debates. I believe this is what the French would call, "Le Pwnage". Time will only tell.
Update: YouTube had to pull the video...further linkage here: http://randompicsandotherstuff.blogspot.com/2008/09/sarah-palin-swimsuit-competition-from.html
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Campaign stances: you want to hear ‘em, we’ve got ‘em. The big issue of the day…the economy. Both parties have been known to say they want a “bailout” package put together to help some of these financial giants along in their recovery. Bad idea, you’re only fueling the greed and rewarding it with cash. Instead, we’re proposing to turn Wall Street into a TRUE casino. McCain said it himself, Wall Street has cultivated a “casino culture”. Why not embrace it? Have you SEEN some of the payouts in Casinos? Our plan is to invite foreign nations to the trading floor, day in and day out, and have them gamble on our investments. Since “the house always wins” why not turn The Street into The House, and win all the time. We’d pay back our debts to other nations, and we’d be having fun. Plus, Stock Traders have such stressful jobs…you never see anyone in a casino act that stressed. It would not only allow us to start rebuilding the economy, it would also relieve the stress and worry of the trading floor.
I’d also like to put an announcement out there for all of you to pass along at your leisure…we’re now auditioning for Cabinet members. That’s right…YOU could be the next Secretary of State, the next Secretary of Defense, or even the most exciting post of all Secretary of the Interior!
- Must be born in the U.S., or at least be able to fake an American accent very well.
- Must NOT be a criminal…if you’re going to commit some sort of wrongdoing in office, we’d really appreciate not knowing about it up front so we can gasp in shock and horror when your ass gets indicted. It’s called “plausible deniability” for a reason.
- Must be able to name all six Bond actors at the drop of a hat.
- Must love dogs, long walks on the beach, and martinis.
- Must be REALLY good at faking the appearance of actual work.
- Must be 18 years or older, unless you’re a kid genius…then you’re automatically in.
All applicants must submit a brief summary of their qualifying attributes, campaign bribes, etc. to the comments section of this post. Cabinet members will be announced whenever I feel like selecting them, and if there aren’t enough people applying to fill the whole cabinet, I’ll simply fill them with fictional characters and celebrities I see fit for the respective duties. Please, no Alaskan governors!
On our final talking point of the day, we’ve picked our campaign song. After soliciting zero votes from the public, we decided on “Gives You Hell” by the All American Rejects, because that’s exactly what we want to give the competition. That’s all for this week, look for campaign biographies and cabinet member updates to come soon.
This question, throughout history, has been met with everything from itemized lists, to blank stares and stammers. A complainer is so used to slamming things that sometimes it’s hard to talk about what they like, and this in turn generates the silence the person who posed the question sought. Well, what DO I like? Well, to start with, “appropriate silence”. What do I mean by that? Well sometimes a moment just dictates that it be enjoyed silently. A movie, a book, or just general relaxations…all are things that can be benefitted by “appropriate silence”.
Let’s see, what else…I enjoy reading. Not “e-books” mind you, an actual Hardcover or Paperback book. I like the feeling of holding a book in my hands, and thumbing through the pages. I like letting people know what I’m reading, I like talking about what I’m reading, I like recommending what I’m reading. I enjoy Sci Fi books, I enjoy Political books, I enjoy light reading and deep reading. I’m currently reading Joe Biden’s biography, “Promises to Keep”, which is easy to get absorbed into because I’m generally fascinated with this man’s life so far. I like reading everything from a Crichton novel, to Harry Potter books, and even the series of 24 Declassified books. James Patterson, Stephen King, Tom Clancy, and Robert Ludlum all occupy my bookshelf, closet, headboard, any space I can find for books. I’m a reader…blame my family.
You can also blame my parents for my being addicted to films. In fact, I’ve been a movie buff since I was a kid. I love movies provided they can entertain me and not insult my intelligence while doing so. Also, it’s fun to go into a movie and tell that the movie was obviously fun to make for the cast and crew. (This is one of the reasons the Oceans Trilogy stands in my mind as a fun experience.) I’m a Bond connoisseur, a lapsed Star Wars geek, and a big fan of Spielberg, Sellers, and the Zucker Brothers, to name a few. Also, I consider Mel Brooks, the Three Stooges, and the Marx Brothers all to be members of the Comedic Parthenon.
I know someone’s going to ask about music, and yes I am a fan of music. I’ve listened to everything from Beethoven to Britney Spears. I most enjoy live music though, and when I say “live music” I mean big bands and orchestras. I admire the musical stylings of The Rat Pack, John Williams, and Michael Giacchino; as well as plenty of other music. Basically, I'll listen to almost anything with an open ear and if I don't like it, I'll let you know.
I'm not sure this really has accomplished anything, but sometimes I like reading my own writing. I hope you all enjoy this, because I like having an audience, and if enough people read this they'll spread it to others, and others will spread it to others, and I like having a BIG audience. I'm not sure where to go with this, but sometimes I like to keep things open ended and just end it all where it began.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
"I'm actually insulted this generic idiot who'd stab a priest in broad daylight would try to pass himself off as me. I mean, I'm the Devil for godsake...I tend to go for a more theatrical, more ominous, or at the very least more blackly comic retribution against my enemies. I don't actually want to kill anyone...just make their lives a living Hell. Half of the victims to my pranks are going to wind up down here to begin with, so if you think about it I'm merely acclimating them to the living arrangement. The only time I'd kill someone is if they really deserved it. Me killing someone for the thrill of it is like an Obama supporter whacking a McCain booster."
Satan then went on to talk about how Sarah Palin knew, "less about God's will than [he] did, and I'm the Devil", and how, "she might replace me as the most popular Halloween costume...or at the very least provide a boost in female Devil costumes and Tina Fey eyeglasses."
That's all for now, but an Interview with "Old Scratch" himself may not be too far off. Until tomorrow, I'm Mr. Controversy: The Devil's Press Agent.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
For some reason I felt like reading one of my past columns this morning. (Growing Up) As you all know, I’ve applied to the Huffington Post for a job as an Assistant News Editor, and so far I’ve heard nothing from them. This is understandable, since everyone and their mother have probably applied for this position, and getting through the resumes is going to be quite a chore. Nevertheless, I keep hoping I’ll hear from them one day. It’s crossed my mind, however, that an unconventional approach might actually help me stand out. I have a regular resume out there on the usual job search sites, but it just doesn’t draw in as much attention as I’d hope.
This approach isn’t new, in fact its been reported that people have done it in the past. So, I’m going to create an unconventional resumes to send out to jobs I dream of holding. I’m appreciative of holding down a real job, don’t get me wrong, but let’s face it…we can all do better if we push ourselves. We can dream, and get to that dream, or at the very least have fun approaching that dream. Others have gotten farther on less effort, so why not me? Why not you? I want you all to join me in going out there and making a name for yourself. It may not result in anything, it may result in something slightly less or more than you envisioned, but either way it can’t hurt to try.
The truth hurts, but oh boy is it funny! Being removed as anchor for live events obviously hasn't stopped Keith from being the professional ass kicker he is. I'm starting to think I'm going to have to write this man some fan mail.
Monday, September 22, 2008
A young guy who apparently knows nothing about politics, despite studying it for four years at a university, and apparently meeting their standards to graduate with a full four year Bachelor’s Degree. You know, those things you can just print out online apparently that don’t mean a thing. It’s not like my parents and I will be paying a huge mountain of debt for something that mattered…my degree is merely for show. I actually have it framed next to my autographed Britney Spears photo, that’s how much it means to me. (/sarcasm)
Unfortunately, ageism is present in today’s society, and of course ageism is being touted as one of the reasons younger voters don’t like the McCain/Palin ticket, or any sort of Republican politics. To recap once more, here it is for those who don’t know the whole story. I’ve been brought up in a, mostly, politically neutral house. I have a diehard Republican grandfather who politically influenced me up until the point he became a bit of a bigot and raging alcoholic. I actually liked Bill O’Reilly during this phase, even going so far as to read “The No Spin Zone” book. I voted for George W. Bush in the last presidential election, and for a good part of my life I seemed like the second coming of Alex P. Keaton. At least, my mother would say as much. I canvassed and attended a rally for Doug Forrester, a not so lucky Republican political candidate for both Senator and Governor of New Jersey. I’ve even met, shook hands with, sat down with, had lunch with, and continue to revere Former Governor Tom Kean, a man who did so much for Drew University that it was sad to see him leave after 15 years.
Simply put, one of the very subjects that’s coursed through my veins my entire life is politics. So I think it’s total horseshit when someone tells me my opinion doesn’t matter because I’m “too young”. I don’t go around saying my grandfather’s opinion doesn’t matter because he’s a senior citizen Republican…I say it because 8 times out of 10 his opinion is slurred through a case of Dab. Just because I don’t agree with an opinion, doesn’t mean it’s not right; and I do not disagree with John McCain because he’s older. At least, not entirely, but the age argument does hold some water.
Simple math here: the older we get, the older our bodies and all the parts in them get. Older parts don’t work as well as younger parts, and older parts have the tendency to break down when not properly maintenanced. However, the older the parts get, the less reliable they become, even with proper maintenance. Sometimes, you just need new parts. The human brain, the center of all reason, logic, and perversion, is indeed a “part” of that machine that is the human body. It is also a “part” that has a rather nasty way of wearing out. Reason, logic, even simple recognition and speech, all are casualties of the brain breaking down as you get older. Things are harder to remember, interpret, or even comprehend. This isn’t the case with all persons, seeing as every body is different, but the odds increase the older you get. John McCain is the oldest person to seek, and possibly hold the office of the Presidency, and mathematically has the highest percentage of incapacity on the job…both mentally and physically. (You can thank Melanoma for that last bit.)
Now, with his mental and physical capacities in question, two things concern me:
1.) Senator McCain’s selection of Governor Sarah Palin goes against his major campaign platform of experience versus “stunt casting”. Only when the PUMA minority reared its ugly head, and Joe Biden was picked as a VP that could combat the “experience” factor, did Senator McCain pull his own stunt casting of Ms. Palin as the “great white hope” of the Republican party. Besides insulting women’s intelligence, and displaying hypocritical thinking, the Republican Party is banking that this will pull enough votes to their side to wash away the aftertaste of Bush 2.0.
However, Ms. Palin has not proven herself qualified enough to go head to head with heads of state (only left the country once, can see Russia from an Alaskan island), handle a national economy (left Wasilla in debt, when she left office; loves earmark spending), and is dead even on providing any “Republican Values” (tried to ban a book on Homosexuality, but her daughter violates her “Abstinence Only” policies). But, should Senator McCain be beaten by the odds against him, she’ll be the one left in charge of those very core tenets of the Presidency…she’ll be the one who’s the most trusted in such matters.
2.) Senator McCain has been known to have a little bit of a temper. Reports of almost striking a woman and actually pushing someone in a wheelchair aside, as well as a few choice words he had for his wife, don’t exactly scream “women’s rights” if you ask me. This temper is only increasingly backed up by the tone and message of his attack ads, which seem finished before the Obama/Biden ticket has even finished what they’re saying. It’s advertising in the DVR/YouTube age, which is funny considering almost anything McCain can throw at Obama is easily slain by the dragon known as The Internet…even if you’re lazy and rely on Google searches. McCain obviously can’t control his trigger finger…what happens when it’s resting on the Big Red Button. (Point of Advice: It’s not the “easy” button.)
Temper, and other emotions suppressed mentally, count on the brain to filter out the impulses from the actions that are actually thought out. Those too degrade as age wears on the mind, and once again mathematics dictates that McCain will be the president with the statistically least amount of control over those emotions. The man’s already shown inconsistencies in policy, shown himself remaining “on message” as the issues change (especially with our “solid” economy), and even began to sass back the media when the polite thing to do would be smile and nod, instead of claiming that Scarbourough Country took a “cheap shot” at you. Candidates are dealt with a lot of shit…it’s their job to smile and say, “Mmm” not “That was a cheap shot” or “My family is off limits”.
You know what, I’m sorry. I’m sorry about this whole post. I’m not qualified to criticize the McCain/Palin ticket, and I’m obviously not qualified enough to say that I support the Obama/Biden ticket because it seems like an obvious change of leadership from the past eight years. I only lived through 9/11, but I’m not old enough to truly understand what happened and how it was abused, so I’ll rescind my comments on that as well. In fact, I’ll pretend the last eight years never happened, and look at this as if it were Bush vs. Gore all over again, with “Big Bad Billy” in the White House…which is exactly the Republican playbook. Because when things have gone massively wrong on your watch, and everyone calls you on it, sometimes you have to bury your head in the sand to get some clear thinking into your days.
The thing is, I’m concerned about security. I’m concerned with how the rest of the world thinks of us, and I don’t want another 9/11 to happen, which is why I worry about a McCain presidency. If they can ease my worries somehow, and make me truly believe in them with truth, numbers, and general amiability, then I’d be all theirs…up until the point the Obama camp brought that and more to ease my woes, which would cause them to win me over again. I’ll close with a response, well more of a theory, to refute the “Obama has no ideas, he just likes to say ‘Hope’ and ‘Change’ a lot” theory. Yes, he says those a lot, but frankly I like the notion that a leader would trust the nation enough not to ram too much rhetoric and opinion down the people’s throats. Yes, there’s a slight bit of lacking when it comes to saying what they’ll do in the White House, but isn’t that what we’re here for? Doesn’t the Government answer to us on a good day? So why don’t we tell them what we want, and let them pick up on that?
We’re being given a voice, America. We’re being given an opportunity to say, “Georgie, you’re doing a heckuva Job!”, or we can say, “Get the Fuck Out!”. That’s your personal choice, and I respect your right to make it. I’ll still argue it with numbers, facts, and words; but I still respect your vote is as useless as mine is when individually isolated. All I ask is you respect my right to make my choice, based on the information I come across, and my right to defend my choice from your obvious bias and preconceived notions. After all, that’s what this country was founded on…the refutation of bias and preconceived notions, in support of one’s own refutation of bias and preconceived notions. The only thing was, that “preconceived notion” was called “freedom”, and the Democratic “preconceived notions” are “hope” and “change”.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Taking a page from my friend Dave B.'s book, I'd like to provide some wisdom from the great Henry Rollins. I dare anyone not to be moved, enraged, and energized by this. Particularly the bit about "substantive change". (I wonder who he's voting for this cycle?)
Update: The finish product, without annoying radio interference, is here: http://www.thirdmanrecords.com/
Congratulations to Anonymous. Though I'm shocked you missed a couple of emails from around when John McCain's courting Ms. Palin for the VP candidacy. Don't ask me how I stumbled upon them, I'll only greet you with stonewalled silence. (*cough*I made them up*cough*)
From: McCain, John <email@example.com>
Sent: Aug 25th, 10:03 AM
To:Palin, Sarah <firstname.lastname@example.org>
CC: Pawlenty, Tim <email@example.com>; Romney, Mitt <firstname.lastname@example.org>; Lieberman, Joe <email@example.com>
Subject: GOP VP, ASAP!
I have been thinking about who I would choose as my Vice Presidential candidate for quite sometime now. With Barack Obama selecting Joe Biden as his VP candidate, I'm going to be hard pressed to find someone who can compete with a Senior Senator who not only was the chair of the Committee on Foreign Relations as well as member of subcommittees on crime, drugs, immigration, and terrorism. Obviously, they think he's the answer to the "experience" issue we've raised here at the Good Ol' GOP.
Tim, as a Governor you balanced the budget of Minnesota, pushing into law a mandate that requires 20% of all Gasoline be mixed with Ethanol, and met with representatives from several foreign nations (which required you to whip out the old passport a couple times).
Mitt, you were the CEO of the 2002 Winter Games, you closed tax loopholes and generated about $60 million a year for Massachusetts buy raising the Gas Tax, and reformed health care so that people needed insurance, or they would face tax issues.
Joe, you generate your own lightening bolts, you killed Samuel L. Jackson with the Force, and you're a general douchenozzle.
All of these qualifications you gentlemen hold are DICK compared to what Sarah Palin has. She can field dress a moose. She loves earmark spending. She supported the Bridge to Nowhere (which I planned on driving through my next vacation). Most importantly, she can see Russia from her house; so if those Russkies were planning any shit, she'd have her rifle at the ready and she'd be able to pave the way for a couple Abrams tanks to roll down that Bridge to Nowhere and kick some Commie ass! You know what that all says to me? "Executive Experience".
That is why I'm nominating Sarah Palin for Vice President. The rest of you, fuck off.
Senator John McCain
"Charlie Don't Surf, These Colors Don't Run"
From:Pawlenty, Tim <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Sent: Aug 25th, 11:47 AM
To: McCain, John <email@example.com>
CC: Palin, Sarah <firstname.lastname@example.org>; Romney, Mitt <email@example.com>; Lieberman, Joe <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Re: GOP VP, ASAP!
It was an honor to serve on your short list for Vice Presidential hopefuls. I wish you the best in November! Everyone, please join me in congratulating Governor Palin for her presumptive nomination as Vice President.
Governor Tim Pawlenty __________________________________________________________________
From: Romney, Mitt <email@example.com>
Sent: Aug 25th, 12:13 PM
To: McCain, John <firstname.lastname@example.org>
CC: Pawlenty, Tim <email@example.com>; Palin, Sarah <firstname.lastname@example.org>; Lieberman, Joe <email@example.com>
Subject: Re: GOP VP, ASAP!
While I commend you on doing what the Democrats couldn't do (use a woman to gain political power), I can't say that I agree. I thought we would have worked well together, tackling Big Oil, reforming the financial system, sharing a milkshake, and most importantly standing up to the Good Ol' Boys network as a team. Now I see you've chosen a candidate who is truly all hat and no cattle.
Governor Palin is a flashy, do nothing, and no nothing beauty queen who solely got into office because she fills a bikini and can string together a full sentence, no matter how incorrect it is. She doesn't even know what the Bush Doctrine is! I asked her about it at a cocktail party, and she said that it was his worldview or something (she was pretty drunk at the time). Don't you think the public is going to jump on the fact that she doesn't have "executive experience"? Seriously, almost two years as Governor, a mayor of a small town, and the most she'll be able to say is "Hey, Putin; Kiss this!"? C'mon, Tim Pawlenty left the country more than twice and he ran a state for years! I'd think he's a better candidate.
In short, I'm afraid I'll support you only in the most superficial way...on public record. I'll back you two up, but I won't enjoy it.
Senator Mitt Romney
From: Lieberman, Joe <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Sent: Aug 25th, 1:12 PM
To: McCain, John <email@example.com>
CC: Romney, Mitt <firstname.lastname@example.org>Pawlenty, Tim <email@example.com>; Palin, Sarah <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Re: GOP VP, ASAP!
Senator McCain: Fuck you too, buddy.
Governor Palin: What's the difference between a pitbull and a Hockey Mom? One doesn't fly when pregnant, and knows what its kids are up to. (Also, pitbulls know when to stop barking.)
I knew I should have stayed with the Democrats, now you're gonna ask me to speak at your convention aren't you?! Goddamnit, I'm gonna be the next Zell Miller.
From: Giuliani, Rudolph <email@example.com>
Sent: Aug 25th, 9:11 PM
To: McCain, John <firstname.lastname@example.org>
CC: Lieberman, Joe <email@example.com> Romney, Mitt <firstname.lastname@example.org>Pawlenty, Tim <email@example.com>; Palin, Sarah <firstname.lastname@example.org>
From: McCain, John <email@example.com>
Sent: Aug 25th, 10:13 PM
To: Giuliani, Rudolph <firstname.lastname@example.org>
CC: Palin, Sarah <email@example.com>
Subject: Re: 9/11!
Rudy (my friend),
How'd you like to go on before Governor Palin at the Convention?
Senator John McCain
"Charlie Don't Surf, These Colors Don't Run"
From:Palin, Sarah <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Sent: Aug 25th, 11:12 PM
To: McCain, John <email@example.com>
CC: Giuliani, Rudolph <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Lieberman, Joe <email@example.com> Romney, Mitt <firstname.lastname@example.org>Pawlenty, Tim <email@example.com>
Subject: Re: GOP VP, ASAP!
John - It is an honor to be presumptively nominated as your Vice President. I might not have "executive experience", but I do have folksy, down home knowledge and apparently that counts for a lot these days.
Rudy - 9/11? I'm good, thanks for asking.
Mitt - You have some good ideas there...I'm going to use a couple of those in my acceptance speech. You should have known this was coming, any GOP communications are intellectual property of the GOP, not the person who says it.
Tim - Thank you for your well wishes, though I still disagree with your 24 hour waiting period on Abortions. I think there should be no waiting period, and no abortions at all. Just ask Bristol! That little snot argued with me about "taking care of" her baby, and I said, "No honey, you should have been Abstinent. Now you'll suffer for your transgressions at the hands of the Lord." Good thing I didn't cave in at the last minute like I did with that mountain bike she wanted a couple months back, otherwise people would start asking me questions like, "You support abstinence only programs for sex-ed, how do you feel about that now that your daughter is pregnant?". Still, I think we should keep that all quiet for now. Don't need the press nosing about my every move, it's not their business.
Joe - Go suck a dick, you whiney prison bitch. You're gonna speak at the convention, or I'll rip out your throat and piss down the hole I gouge out of it. What's the difference between a pitbull and a hockey mom? Nothing...they're both bitches you don't want to mess with. Just ask that Johnston kid that knocked my daughter up. He's gonna be my PR bitch now!
May God bless us all as we wipe the heathens from the Earth,
"Drill, Baby, Drill"
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Oh big big oil, I'm so big on you.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Yeah, I wanted to write this piece last week, but well between naming a running mate, writing a letter for Sarah Palin to grant me an interview (which I now don't have to send out), and explaining why I became a Democrat, I've been too busy to write about "pointless bullshit", or "entertainment matters". Well, I'm sick of writing about Sarah Palin, she's already made a fool out of herself on television and whoever's still drinking the Kool Aid will probably stay that way until some big scandal erupts. (Still waiting for a naked picture scandal, I mean how freakin hard is it for one of those to happen? She was a beauty queen for Godsake, these things are like candy to them. The most lascivious picture we've seen is of her in the 80's wearing a T-Shirt that says, "I might be broke, but I'm not flat busted.")
Shit. I promised myself I wouldn't go on another Palin rant. Anyhow, I'm not here to talk about her. I'm here to talk about something that I thought of not too long ago, something that's not often spoken about. You're all probably familiar with the term "Street Cred", which is derived from the term "Street Smarts" I would assume, the only other option being "Street Credibility" and honestly how credible is a patch of blacktop with some paint on it? "Cred", "credibility", "smarts", "know how"...despite the fact that Sarah Palin has none of these, they're signs of intelligent thought, and the word that proceeds them defines what smarts these types of people have. Well, I'd like to reintroduce a different type of cred, something I'm well versed in. I, my dear friends, have "Geek Cred". It's a real thing...Urban Dictionary defines it as:
"Similar to street cred, but applicable to geeks. Geek cred is allocated by displaying knowledge of different aspects of geek culture such as Star Wars, anime, comic books, etc."
In fact, I wouldn't doubt it for a second that some of you out there have "Geek Cred". A couple questions to ask yourself, as part of the "Geek Cred" self test:
- Do you know what "Starfleet" is?
- Have you ever wielded a lightsaber?
- Do you know about political history, or any history for that matter, than your friends?
- Have you ever collected a line of toys/cards/etc. and know the different variants?
- Can you name four of the six James Bonds?
- Do you have more than one version of Monopoly?
- Do you find Tina Fey attractive and/or funny? (I mean seriously attractive and/or funny.)
- Can you quote a movie/show incessantly?
- Can you name at least five movies you're "excited to see"?
- Do you have a special skill that involves stuff most people wouldn't be bothered to learn and/or is considered a dying art?
- TARDIS? Torchwood? The Master? Ringing any bells?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are indeed a Geek. It just depends on what type. Those questions contain indicators of Toy Geekdom, Movie Geekdom, Comedy Geekdom, SciFi Geekdom, and possibly Computer Geekdom. Right about now, you're probably saying to yourself, "No...I can't be a geek. People like me, I have friends, I lost my virginity before 40 for godsake. I just...I just can't. No. I Refuse." Well, this is they type of denial people would go through because being a geek contains horrific connotations. Allow me to demonstrate.
Your "typical" geek is seen as someone with little to no social interaction outside of the world of electronics messaging and the World Wide Web. They are the people who you see frequenting conventions and flaming on message boards as if their life depended on it. They are the people who posses the knowledge of a certain subject and will argue you down to your core if you dare think you know more than they do. To be certain, those aren't geeks...those are straight up nerds. Not the fun movie type either...these nerds are the ones that take solace in their social isolation by proclaiming themselves masters of their dominions. They'll whip the shit out of you in World of Warcraft, slam down like a gunslinger in Role Playing Games, and make dance simulators look like walking. They believe in the Holy Trinity, D&D, DDR, and ST:TOS. They are also completely arrogant.
To be fair though, that's an unfair stereotype. Nerds are not as present as you think they are, and some have mislabeled themselves as Nerds. Simple question: do you get along with people? If you said yes, you're not a nerd. A stereotypical nerd would never exist outside of Hollywood or their mother's basement, because that is the true dwelling of a Nerd. I'm not trying to make fun of people, I'm just trying to get rid of the stupid "Nerd" label. There's plenty of people out there who think they are "nerds" when in fact they are "geeks". Geeks are very similar to nerds, but the big difference being they are a little more confident than Nerds in actual social interactions. That isn't to say they aren't socially awkward, in fact they too have their social woes, which manifest themselves in shyness. But there's a certain sweet acceptance with geeks that you don't have with nerds. If you're saying, "But Mike, I'm a Nerd and I get along with people", then you are wrong. You are a geek. Nerd is the Anti Social Geek. I'm not trying to offend anyone, I'm just redefining social stereotypes. The best part about Geek Cred...you don't even have to be a Geek to get it. You can perform geek friendly services, or do justice to geeky material to get it. To show some examples, here's a list of famous people who have "Geek Cred"
- Frank Langella (Skeletor AND Perry White. Great Caesar's Ghost!)
- Vin Diesel, and Dame Judi Dench by Mr. Diesel's teachings in the art of D&D.
- David Tennant
- William Shatner
- Mary McDonnell, Edward James Olmos, and anyone from the cast of Battlestar Galactica
- Scott Bakula and Dean Stockwell (Captain Archer and Brother Cavil, respectively)
- Tina Fey (Hot)
- J.J. Abrams (the new Star Trek looks kick assed, and Alias was pretty awesome and geek accessible.)
- Morgan Webb (Hot, and a gamer)
The list goes on. However, Geek Cred can be taken as easily as it is earned. Here's some people in danger of losing their Geek Cred, or have already lost it due to "irreparable damages to their careers":- Harrison Ford (Nuked The Fridge, Almost Lost Geek Cred)
- George Lucas (Star Wars: The Clone Wars?! Geek Cred revoked)
- Will Smith (Scientology, and a so-so remake of I Am Legend. Geek Cred endangered)
- Tom Cruise (You were Ethan Hunt...Not you're a Steaming...you know what comes next. Geek Cred revoked.)
The list goes on. So now the question remains: Who do you think has/doesn't have Geek Cred? Also, how much Geek Cred do you have? Feel free to post your answers in the comments.
If you're sticking around for one last Palin joke, I give you this...http://palinsarmy.ytmnd.com/
Monday, September 15, 2008
P.S. It's not my fault Tina Fey is a MILF. What are we supposed to say now, "Mother I'd Most Be Most Likely to Copulate With"? Too many letters!
Friday, September 12, 2008
Dear Charles Gibson,
I am INCREDIBLY sorry I ever doubted you. You truly kicked ass and took names last night. You deserve to be praised, and frankly I'm proud you were the first one to interview Governor Palin. You sir, are a professional asskicker.
With all due deference,
The pounding continues tonight, on ABC.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
And from DXM, Chez's equally human and impressing account of how 9/11 affected him: Seven Years On: 9/11 in Two Parts
I'm glad I'm in good company.
Every channel, every news station, around the clock, covering the horror show that was unfolding in Manhattan. Watching the buildings was like waiting for a family member to die. You knew they were going to fall, and you knew that someone was going to have to answer for what had happened. I can't remember when it was, it might have been the night that 9/11 happened or the night after, but there was a rally in the town next door. People gathered with all the American flag paraphanelia they could grab, and they were lined up the main artery that fed traffic from the Parkway into the beginnings of Brick Township here in New Jersey. As flags waved, "Born in the USA" was blairing, and everyone was cheering and whooping, I couldn't help but think to myself, "Please don't let there be a war. I don't want to go to war." I didn't mean to sound like a selfish coward, but I just had a strange feeling that this was the end that Nostrodomus predicted in that Orson Welles video my parents foolishly let me watch when I was a kid. (Which, by the way, did nothing to quell my fears of the world ending.)
After a while, coverage sank back to only the news stations. MTV heavily ran a music video by Live, which used footage of the aftermath in New York. Stock markets sank, heroes were named, people went on looking for their missing friends and family, and telethons were organized to raise money to help those affected. Partisan walls in Washington were torn down, as displayed by the houses of Congress singing "God Bless America" together. With all of this unification, undoubtedly brought upon by the severity of the situtation, there was that undercurrent running through my mind. "I hope we don't go to war." Entering Afghanistan was all it took to set off my fears.
Still fearing a conflict, and knowing of the draft back in Vietnam, I was scared shitless that the draft would come back and have me shipping off to some foreign nation I never learned all that much about in school. Though, to be fair, my parents were saying things like, "Oh, you'll be 4F. Your glasses and your ADD will make sure of that." and "Well, we'll send you to Canada if we have to." I would have hated to be a draft dodger, seeing as it's somewhat of a social and political stigma to United States citizens, but on the other hand I was sure as hell not going to let some guy who I only had faith in because it was the way to survive in my house, send me to die. My grandfather, who still lives with us, is a staunch Republican; and for a time I was too.
This carried all the way into the fall of 2002, which made things even more interesting seeing as I was starting college at a Liberal Arts college. What was more interesting is I would eventually graduate with a degree in Political Science. Not only did I have extremely liberal friends, who hated when I gloated the victory in 2000 in front of their faces, I now had extremely liberal people I would try to make friends with, possibly romance, and in some cases turn into bitter rivals with. I still had some pretty good friendships though, and as the years went on my friends and I discussed, mocked, and debated various political viewpoints and events. Then sure enough, the real war hit.
March 2003, as if it were a sick alternate ending to the second season of 24, President Bush came on television and laid out the facts. We had bombed Iraq. We were starting a major military operation. God help us all. The military conflict that wasn't supposed to take too long had started. Sure enough, on June 5, 2003; the President made his now infamous appearance in a flight suit on the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln, and declared that, "In the Battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed." Yet the fighting still continued, and it was looking less and less like George W. would be serving a second term. That was, of course, assuming the world made sense again. Sure enough 2004 came, and sure enough I was still a Bush guy. The world still didn't make sense.
I was supporting the President because not only was I still kind of afraid of the whole conflict, but also because of that part of me that enjoyed rooting for the underdog. The guy who wasn't supposed to win, because the odds were stacked. Whatever the reason, I still supported the President. Though, the most I could muster for a defense was, "I didn't like Kerry". As soon as I got my abscentee ballot, which I had to use because I would be away at college the day of the election, I selected George W. Bush for president and marveled at his victory the night of the election. My two friends who just got married, on the other hand, refused to talk to me. Again, I wasn't interested in social stigma, I wanted to feel secure.
I credit my eventual enlightenment to the ways of the Republican party to a couple things. Constant exposure to Liberal thinking friends, traveling abroad to England and seeing what the world thought of the US, and my grandfather becoming less and less of a role model after my grandmother passed on. All of those factors helped me realize that not only were the Democrats the better choice, they also made funnier jokes and had better senses of humor. They genuinely cared for people, and they were the true underdogs. One of the strengths (if you can call it that) of the Republican Party lately has been that they run as if they aren't the status quo. They run campaigns as if Clinton is still in office, and they don't stand a snowball's chance in Hell to get in. The Democrats have been the true underdogs, and don't have to convince the public otherwise.
In the primary election of 2008, I registered myself as a Democrat and voted for Barack Obama in the Presidential Primary. My conversion was complete, and I haven't looked back. Partially, I wanted to give the Dems a chance because I gave the Reps a chance back in '04. Also, Obama had, and still has, an allure as a candidate that's almost impossible not to like. Yes, he's like a character out of the West Wing, and yeah so's Joe Biden; but you know what...I like that. I like that this Sorkonian view of politics has started to come into reality, and politics is something that can make you feel hopeful, warm and fuzzy. Seven years after the disaster in New York, and I made a political 360. I believe in hope again, and I know that hope is not easy to sell or even prevail over the message of fear and security.
Which brings me to the part that warranted the warning at the beginning. I think we should stop glorifying and abusing the memory of 9/11, particularly the Republican usage of the tragedy as a "get out of jail free" card. Rudolph Giuliani, "America's Mayor", is a good example of abusing tragedy for personal gain. All he has to do is mention 9/11 and he immediately thinks his credentials speak for themselves. Ok, we get it, you were mayor of New York when 9/11 hit. You have executive experience. So why aren't you VP nominated, instead of a former beauty queen who hasn't done much except play at politics as usual while her family could have benefited her being home with them?
I think it might be time to stop reading the names and interrupting news coverage to cover the memorial services. I know, it sounds completely insensitive and I don't mean it to be. But if we really want to honor these people, whose lives were cut short by maniacs with no regard for human life, then why don't we finish the new World Trade Center like we said we would all those years ago? Oh, right...stupid petty business squabbles got in the way, and instead of completing a true tribute to those who lost their lives, we continue with media spectacle. Also, if you look at your calendar, you might see today labeled as "Patriot's Day". Why don't you give everyone the day off, for reflection and ponderance, especially since you feel you should be running the coverage of the whole memorial service? Patriot's Day is nothing more than a Hallmark holiday, and it feels like a slap in the face to those who lost people on this solemn day. I would hate it if someone sent me a "Patriot's Day" card, which basically is a "Sorry your husband/wife/loved ones died on this day and it was politically and commercially exploited for personal means" card. I'm not saying to stop having memorial services, I'm saying we should stop televising them and making a big deal about it.
Maybe I am saying get over 9/11. In fact, yes I am saying that. Get over 9/11. It happened, it was extremely sad, and people are still paying for it to this very day. I'm not saying to forget it, I'm not saying it shouldn't be remembered with due respect, I'm just saying we should stop trotting it out once a year as something for the news cameras and making it part of the political discourse.
I am deeply sorry to anyone who has lost anyone in 9/11, or to anyone else I may have offended with this. It's just that the way I see it, we're America, and 9/11 will live on in our history, as well as those taken from us in it. We will truely never forget, but enough with the specials, the commorative coins, and the televising of the memorial service. Build the new WTC, build the memorials, and give these people a proper memory for future generations to remember. The rest of the world is going on out there, even remembering the scars of their own pasts haunting them day by day, but you don't see them being all consumed by it. We've got some lessons to learn about the past, and we've got a possibly bright future we can pave out for us. How, then, can we carve out a bright future for ourselves when we're constantly reminded of the fear, the terror, the bandwagon patriotism, and the bad politics that were executed after this event? Before we'll ever be able to allow the message of change and hope to resonate within us, before we're ever able to heal completely from this terrifying atrocity of recent history, we must first allow ourselves to.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Wait, Obama is referencing the whole "lipstick on a pitbull" line from the Convention last week? Even if the exact quote was, according to press reports:
"That's not change," Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., said of what Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., is offering. "You know, you can put lipstick on a pig," Obama said, "but it's still a pig."
Hmm, funny, John McCain's been known to use that tactic too. Numerous times. My grandfather, the most die hard Republican I know of, couldn't even defend this when I told him about it. He tried, but when I even mentioned the exact dates of occurance, he was silenced. Like, say on May 8, 2008, according to Good Morning America...or October 11, 2007, according to this YouTube clip:
The common factor? Both instances were talking about the Great Pumpkin herself, Senator Hillary Clinton. Wouldn't you think that McCain is really the pig, and Palin is still a pitbull? I mean he's making sexist slurs about farm animals and lipstick when slamming the policy of his former rival, and she's just a bitch. Barack Obama isn't criticizing Palin, he's doing what he should be doing...focusing on McCain. After all, why would Senator Obama criticize a woman who he's gone on record defending? (courtesy of Political Punch. You might also want to look at the article "Obama Says McCain Is Offering Fake Change: 'You Can Put Lipstick on a Pig, But It's Still a Pig' " Funny how someone from ABC News sees the remarks as they were intended. Let's hope Charlie Gibson is as on the ball with this whole situation when he interviews her.) I mean it's so easy to say, "Yeah, your daughter's boyfriend can't keep his snake in his cage, and you're a raving looney who thinks "Left Behind" is oddly prophetic." if you're a Democrat. It takes a true
Sarah Palin, she's a non issue to Obama. He knows that's Joe Biden's job to take care of, and he knows that he'd be walking on broken glass to even address the elephant in the electoral room that is the governor of Alaska, and another pretender to the throne. (Biden: Palin's Policies Would Be "Backward Step for Women") So what is he doing, exactly? Well, he's throwing McCain's words against his former rival for the Democratic candidacy back at him. If anything, this should be something that brings Hillary supporters back to the Obama camp: he's sticking up for his party (and all of its members, Senator Clinton included) in the face of a bully...a bully who resorts to cheap tactics to put himself ahead in the polls. A bully who didn't know what he was getting into when he marched into his office during the Democratic Convention and bellowed, "GET ME A WOMAN FOR VP! WE NEED THE PUMA VOTE!"
Even Ben Stein, the man who brought us "Expelled", a film about teaching Intelligent Design in schools, can't back up Palin:
The man is a genius, and he was a speechwriter for the Nixon administration. If anyone knows the Republican party and its history of deception, it's him.
Once and for all the American Public needs to realize that John McCain is not a war hero...he's just another unfortunate solider who was shot down over Vietnam, who was also held as a P.O.W. for several years. Heroes know how to behave in civilized public. Heroes don't push people in wheelchairs away. Heroes don't call their wives demeaning pet names in front of the press during a junket for their senate run.
Adam Brickley, if the McCain/Palin ticket wins in November, I hold you personally responsible for the ensuing decline of the United States. Why? Because you pushed for Governor Palin to be the Vice Presidential nominee. Well my friend, I don't care if you were on Colbert, and I don't care that you got to go to the Republican National Convention...I see you as nothing more than a cheap, pale imitation of Alex P. Keaton, and even he would think you're a douchebag. Thanks buddy, the Pitbull in Lipstick might be running the country in two years, and she'll know next to nothing on how to stop anyone who wants to invade our ass just for the Hell of it. Hope you speak Spanish!
The main issue with the McCain campaign is it's lying to everyone. It's even lying to itself, thinking Sarah Palin should even be anywhere near a political forum other than a meeting of the Wasilla Elks Club. It's this blatant deception and pulling things out of context, ON TOP OF heavy misinterpretation and an attention span that does not exceed 2.342532 seconds that has blown the Senator's attempt to make Grandpa eat his words into something that really shouldn't even be on the funny pages. Even if it were true, calling Sarah Palin any sort of animal with lipstick is warranted...if she didn't want the comparison, she shouldn't have played the "folksy anecdote about a pitbull in lipstick" card. It's called 'satire'...if you're feelings are hurt, you can take your ball and go home. Otherwise, suck it up and deal...this is politics, not a beauty pageant.
For further history on Pigs and Lipstick, tune in here http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalpunch/2008/09/a-piggish-debat.html for some perspective. I'm Mr. Controversy, and until the next post, I'm going to let Jack Cafferty play us out.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
What most of her male constituents think of when they see Gov. Palin: Sarahfornication.
What most McCain supporters think of the bump she's given them in the polls: Sarahcalifragalisticexpialadocious.
What most McCain supporters think of the bump her daughter was given by Levi Johnston: Unholy and Immoral.
Hmm...looks like Sarah doesn't fit with everything. Too bad the Republicans can't see that. WAIT, one last one!
What the mainstream press thought about Sarah Palin's last minute nomination for VP: Sar-endipity, which really is the only way she could have gotten the nomination because it sure as Hell wasn't her record.
- ► 2010 (80)
- ► 2009 (187)
- Jack Cafferty, Professional Ass Kicker
- P.R. for the Common Man
- 5 Reasons You Should Be Watching (Or Should Contin...
- DEBATE FAIL!!!!11!!!!
- Alaskan Gold
- Reyes/Donaghy '08 Campaign Update - Week 3
- “Well what DO you like?”
- The Da Vinci Schmuck
- Another Angle
- Keith Olbermann: The Ass Kickings Continue
- When Obama Met Jed
- A Recovering Republican vs. Ageism, and Another Ca...
- Henry Rollins 'Ember of Rage'
- "Someone that you think that you can trust, is jus...
- The Lost Sarah Palin Emails, or "L33t Hax0rs pwn S...
- Song and Dance, Verse 2
- I made a funny
- The Geek Cred Primer: Chapter 1 - An Introduction
- Another Way to Die
- The Only Funny Thing to Come Out of SNL In A While...
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog Covers the RNC
- Charles Gibson: Professional Ass Kicker
- Glad to See I'm Not Alone
- A Recovering Republican Remembers 9/11 or "The Col...
- Mr. Controversy Pull Quote of the Day
- Of Pigs and Pitbulls
- Damaged Goods
- Mr. Controversy Pull Quote of the Day
- News from the Gadget Department
- Comedy and Politics: Perfect Together
- Song and Dance
- An Open Letter to Sarah Palin from a Recovering Re...
- Mike R. for Pajiba's E.E. Guest Overlord - "Change...
- The Return of Keith OIbermann, Professional Ass Ki...
- Convention-al Thinking: Day 7 - Leading By Example...
- The Mr. Controversy Pull Quote of the Day
- Convention-al Thinking: Day 6 - This Is The Party ...
- The Tail is Catching Up With The Head of the Snake...
- The Mr. Controversy Pull Quote of the Day
- Convention-al Thinking: Day 5 - To Protect America...
- My Abusive Relationship with Hollywood, Episode 7:...
- A Lesson To be Learned, vol.2
- (Minor) Decision 2008
- Pairity: Vol. 6 (Labor Day Weekend Double Header E...
- ▼ September (44)