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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also a film journalist/critic for Cocktails & Movies and CinemaBlend, as well as the author of several short stories such as "The Devil v. George W. Bush". Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: mikereyeswrites@gmail.com

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Thursday, September 18, 2008

The Lost Sarah Palin Emails, or "L33t Hax0rs pwn Sarah Palin"


Congratulations to Anonymous. Though I'm shocked you missed a couple of emails from around when John McCain's courting Ms. Palin for the VP candidacy. Don't ask me how I stumbled upon them, I'll only greet you with stonewalled silence. (*cough*I made them up*cough*)

From: McCain, John <john.mccain@ussen.gov>
Sent: Aug 25th, 10:03 AM

To:Palin, Sarah <gov.palin@yahoo.com>
CC: Pawlenty, Tim <tp@mn.gov>; Romney, Mitt <mitt.romney@ussen.gov>; Lieberman, Joe <papa.palpatine@ussen.gov>
Subject: GOP VP, ASAP!

My friends,

I have been thinking about who I would choose as my Vice Presidential candidate for quite sometime now. With Barack Obama selecting Joe Biden as his VP candidate, I'm going to be hard pressed to find someone who can compete with a Senior Senator who not only was the chair of the Committee on Foreign Relations as well as member of subcommittees on crime, drugs, immigration, and terrorism. Obviously, they think he's the answer to the "experience" issue we've raised here at the Good Ol' GOP.

Tim, as a Governor you balanced the budget of Minnesota, pushing into law a mandate that requires 20% of all Gasoline be mixed with Ethanol, and met with representatives from several foreign nations (which required you to whip out the old passport a couple times).

Mitt, you were the CEO of the 2002 Winter Games, you closed tax loopholes and generated about $60 million a year for Massachusetts buy raising the Gas Tax, and reformed health care so that people needed insurance, or they would face tax issues.

Joe, you generate your own lightening bolts, you killed Samuel L. Jackson with the Force, and you're a general douchenozzle.

All of these qualifications you gentlemen hold are DICK compared to what Sarah Palin has. She can field dress a moose. She loves earmark spending. She supported the Bridge to Nowhere (which I planned on driving through my next vacation). Most importantly, she can see Russia from her house; so if those Russkies were planning any shit, she'd have her rifle at the ready and she'd be able to pave the way for a couple Abrams tanks to roll down that Bridge to Nowhere and kick some Commie ass! You know what that all says to me? "Executive Experience".

That is why I'm nominating Sarah Palin for Vice President. The rest of you, fuck off.


Senator John McCain

"Charlie Don't Surf, These Colors Don't Run"

From:Pawlenty, Tim <tp@mn.gov>
Sent: Aug 25th, 11:47 AM
To: McCain, John <
CC: Palin, Sarah <
gov.palin@yahoo.com>; Romney, Mitt <mitt.romney@ussen.gov>; Lieberman, Joe <papa.palpatine@ussen.gov>
Subject: Re: GOP VP, ASAP!


It was an honor to serve on your short list for Vice Presidential hopefuls. I wish you the best in November! Everyone, please join me in congratulating Governor Palin for her presumptive nomination as Vice President.


Governor Tim Pawlenty

From: Romney, Mitt <
Sent: Aug 25th, 12:13 PM
To: McCain, John <
CC: Pawlenty, Tim <tp@mn.gov>; Palin, Sarah <gov.palin@yahoo.com>; Lieberman, Joe <papa.palpatine@ussen.gov>
Subject: Re: GOP VP, ASAP!


While I commend you on doing what the Democrats couldn't do (use a woman to gain political power), I can't say that I agree. I thought we would have worked well together, tackling Big Oil, reforming the financial system, sharing a milkshake, and most importantly standing up to the Good Ol' Boys network as a team. Now I see you've chosen a candidate who is truly all hat and no cattle.

Governor Palin is a flashy, do nothing, and no nothing beauty queen who solely got into office because she fills a bikini and can string together a full sentence, no matter how incorrect it is. She doesn't even know what the Bush Doctrine is! I asked her about it at a cocktail party, and she said that it was his worldview or something (she was pretty drunk at the time). Don't you think the public is going to jump on the fact that she doesn't have "executive experience"? Seriously, almost two years as Governor, a mayor of a small town, and the most she'll be able to say is "Hey, Putin; Kiss this!"? C'mon, Tim Pawlenty left the country more than twice and he ran a state for years! I'd think he's a better candidate.

In short, I'm afraid I'll support you only in the most superficial way...on public record. I'll back you two up, but I won't enjoy it.


Senator Mitt Romney


From: Lieberman, Joe <papa.palpatine@ussen.gov>
Sent: Aug 25th, 1:12 PM

To: McCain, John <john.mccain@ussen.gov>
CC: Romney, Mitt <
mitt.romney@ussen.gov>Pawlenty, Tim <tp@mn.gov>; Palin, Sarah <gov.palin@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: GOP VP, ASAP!

Senator McCain: Fuck you too, buddy.

Governor Palin: What's the difference between a pitbull and a Hockey Mom? One doesn't fly when pregnant, and knows what its kids are up to. (Also, pitbulls know when to stop barking.)

I knew I should have stayed with the Democrats, now you're gonna ask me to speak at your convention aren't you?! Goddamnit, I'm gonna be the next Zell Miller.

Senator Palpatine

From: Giuliani, Rudolph <mr9-11@mr9-11.com>
Sent: Aug 25th, 9:11 PM
To: McCain, John <
CC: Lieberman, Joe <papa.palpatine@ussen.gov> Romney, Mitt <mitt.romney@ussen.gov>Pawlenty, Tim <tp@mn.gov>; Palin, Sarah <gov.palin@yahoo.com>
Subject: 9/11!



Rudolph Giuliani


From: McCain, John <john.mccain@ussen.gov>
Sent: Aug 25th, 10:13 PM

To: Giuliani, Rudolph <mr9-11@mr9-11.com>
CC: Palin, Sarah <gov.palin@yahoo.com>

Subject: Re: 9/11!

Rudy (my friend),

How'd you like to go on before Governor Palin at the Convention?


Senator John McCain

"Charlie Don't Surf, These Colors Don't Run"

From:Palin, Sarah <gov.palin@yahoo.com>
Sent: Aug 25th, 11:12 PM
To: McCain, John <john.mccain@ussen.gov>
CC: Giuliani, Rudolph <mr9-11@mr9-11.com>
Lieberman, Joe <papa.palpatine@ussen.gov> Romney, Mitt <mitt.romney@ussen.gov>Pawlenty, Tim <tp@mn.gov>
Subject: Re: GOP VP, ASAP!

John - It is an honor to be presumptively nominated as your Vice President. I might not have "executive experience", but I do have folksy, down home knowledge and apparently that counts for a lot these days.

Rudy - 9/11? I'm good, thanks for asking.

Mitt - You have some good ideas there...I'm going to use a couple of those in my acceptance speech. You should have known this was coming, any GOP communications are intellectual property of the GOP, not the person who says it.

Tim - Thank you for your well wishes, though I still disagree with your 24 hour waiting period on Abortions. I think there should be no waiting period, and no abortions at all. Just ask Bristol! That little snot argued with me about "taking care of" her baby, and I said, "No honey, you should have been Abstinent. Now you'll suffer for your transgressions at the hands of the Lord." Good thing I didn't cave in at the last minute like I did with that mountain bike she wanted a couple months back, otherwise people would start asking me questions like, "You support abstinence only programs for sex-ed, how do you feel about that now that your daughter is pregnant?". Still, I think we should keep that all quiet for now. Don't need the press nosing about my every move, it's not their business.

Joe - Go suck a dick, you whiney prison bitch. You're gonna speak at the convention, or I'll rip out your throat and piss down the hole I gouge out of it. What's the difference between a pitbull and a hockey mom? Nothing...they're both bitches you don't want to mess with. Just ask that Johnston kid that knocked my daughter up. He's gonna be my PR bitch now!

May God bless us all as we wipe the heathens from the Earth,

Caribou Barbie

"Drill, Baby, Drill"


Dave B. said...


That was great boss.

Mr. Controversy said...

Thanks. Your approval is, as always, professionally flattering and half the fat of other leading brands.

Kurgan said...

Voting for anyone that is not the GOP.

Dateline - The Whitehouse, Oval Office - January 31st, 2009

Secretary of Defense - Mr. President, Mr. President, we understand that Kim Jong Il, who you unilaterally met with last week, has just launched a preemptive missile strike against Japan! What should we do?

President Obama - Hope.

Secretary of Defense - Hope? But…sir. Hope for what?

President Obama – Change.


Dateline - The White House - February 23rd, 2009

Attorney General - Mr. President, Mr. President- Now that you have declared public trials for all current terrorism detainees, we have to disclose all of our intelligence gathering capabilities and the results. If we don’t they will all go free! What do we do?

President Obama - Hope.

Secretary of Defense - Hope? But, sir. Hope for what?

President Obama - Change


Dateline - The White House – May 17th, 2010

Secretary of the Treasury - Mr. President, Mr. President, since you repealed NAFTA, reinstituted welfare, passed your tax and spending plan and nationalizatied the oil industry, we are in full recession, gas is $7.00 a gallon, unemployment is up to 12 %, the dollar has shot up in value and foreign investors are pulling their money out as quickly as they can! What do we do?

President Obama - We hope.

Secretary of Defense – We hope sir, hope for what?

President Obama – We hope things are going to change!


President Obama - What is going on here?

Don’t I have a least ONE policy that working.

Cabinet – No sir, you don’t…but we are hoping that is going to change.

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