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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also a film journalist/critic for Cocktails & Movies and CinemaBlend, as well as the author of several short stories such as "The Devil v. George W. Bush". Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: mikereyeswrites@gmail.com

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Friday, October 31, 2008

Note To Keith Olbermann: You Stop Making Sense, and I'll Stop Stealing Your Videos

P.S. Please don't stop making sense, someone needs to deflate Bill O'Reilly's ego.


The Recovering Republican Reaches Out

Before I get started, I just wanted to open up with this web link:

Yes, it's true. Contrary to what you've heard, McCain still stands a chance to win this thing. Every day you hear about the race "tightening", and if it truly is tightening then you should expect it to look like Sarah Palin trying to smile by Tuesday.
Make no mistakes about it, we're still locked in Electoral combat. However, I'm not here to talk about the election in general. I'm actually here to talk about the McCain campaign's latest strategy...palling around with homegrown celebrities.

Remember THIS old chestnut?

As it turns out, celebrities really DO like Obama. Here's the proof:

George Clooney, Will Smith, Robert DeNiro, Matt Damon, Chris Rock, Tom Hanks...FUCK he danced with Ellen DeGeneres! In the daytime talk world that's like getting a blessing from the Pope! (Ellen also has blessed Joe Biden, by having him engage in a dunking of Julia Louis Dreyfus on her show.) Shit, if my opponent had that many celebrities clamoring for their election, I'd be scared too. So what did McCain do when his strategy backfired? The same thing he did when is "experience" strategy backfired...he caved like an avalanche.

In perhaps the biggest hypocritical move since naming Sarah Palin (a candidate with not even close to enough relevant experience to the White House) his Vice Presidential candidate, McCain has sunk to "celebrity" endorsements. Most recently, football player John Elway and Aerosmith guitarist Joe Perry have jumped onto the bandwagon of celebrity endorsements. However, these aren't the celebrities McCain is flaunting to the world. Instead, he's showcasing one that he's pretty much made himself, and one that's been made by the Republican Party itself. Samuel Wurzelbacher, aka "Joe The Plumber" and Elizabeth Hasselbeck, aka "Lizzy the Wrench". Apparently, the McCain campaign was steeped to it's eyes in such shit, they needed a plumber to snake the drain.

Samuel made his claim to fame by being the infamous plumber who wanted to buy a business, but was afraid Obama's tax plan would hurt his income with that magic "Over $250K" tax hike. Ms. Hasselbeck has repeatedly made her views known to the world through her squabbles on The View, and her reputation is so well known that every time she has a fight with someone on the show people wonder who's going to quit next. So, to recap, John McCain has bashed Obama for not having enough experience to be president, and has made fun of him being a "celebrity"...so to respond to the rising tide of poll data, he nominated an improperly vetted, inexperienced vice presidential candidate and has started to pal around with celebrities of his own.

Does something smell funny to you? I think Joe needs to snake the drain again. At least he could...if he were even a licensed plumber. I'm really sorry, but I have a hard time sympathizing with a guy who can't pay his taxes, isn't even licensed to do the job he's famous for, and has hired a publicist while trying to wrangle himself a country music record deal. Yeah, thanks Sam, you're really helping the nation by being an idiot in front of all of the cameras. You too, Lizzy McDumbass. Sarah Palin has been trotting her out at campaign functions, and people are actually LISTENING to what she has to say. This isn't like on The View where there's people voicing dissent (or in the case of Sherri Shepherd, just trying to passively diffuse it so everyone can talk about meaningless bullshit again).

The McCain campaign has become erratic, vitriolic, and generally abrasive; particularly with the "Obama pals around with terrorists" claim. Well, I don't think McCain had any staffers watching Olbermann on October 6th, otherwise they'd have responded to this:

That's right, the second coming of Annie Oakley has herself been seen with terrorists. Terrorists who are nutjobs and believe Alaska shouldn't be a part of America, because it's government are a bunch of dumbasses. Do you really want someone who's not only been seen with terrorists, but has been proven to have been a part of them up until 2002, being a lack of a heartbeat away from the White House? Give me a break.

Everyone needs to just take a deep breath and think about what they're doing. If you want to vote Republican, fine...just do it after you've really thought about it. You have 4 days until the Election, that's plenty of time to crack open a web browser and read up. Don't go just by campaign commercials and newscasts, seek the knowledge YOU need to pick the next President of the United States.

Oh, and it turns out that Joe the Plumber is indeed registered to vote. (http://www.politico.com/blogs/bensmith/1008/The_Joe_file.html) I wonder who he'll pick come Election Day?

Happy Halloween

Thanks to Pajiba for the link to this pretty funny video from Dead and Breakfast:

(By the way, watching that video implies that you promise to visit this link, http://www.pajiba.com/pajibas-favorite-craptastic-horror-films.htm, and read the story about the most craptastic horror films known to man/woman/animal. Trust me, it's worth it.)

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

LionsGate Pictures FTW

This is a 100% legitimate ad I captured from ComingSoon.net this morning. It shocked me as much as it probably did you, but in a good "made me want to laugh my ass off" way. Enjoy!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Broken Seeking The Broken

This is Stevie. One day I happened to be in an animal shelter with my mother and a friend of hers, and I met this beautiful little kitty. She was friendly, she was adorable, and the moment I held her she was all snuggles. I wanted to take her home the moment I saw her. The only problem was, she couldn't see me. Stevie was a blind cat, who would most likely just sit there in the shelter awaiting an uncertain fate. It was for this reason most of all that I wanted to make Stevie a part of my family.

I know it sounds weird, but I always wanted the pets with the deformities. When I was a kid, I'd look for the goldfish no one else wanted...just ask my parents. I once brought home a goldfish with a weirdly bulged eye, naturally named Popeye; and I loved that fish. I loved it because it was different, and because it was an outcast just like I was. I wasn't exactly popular in those dreadful years leading up to Eight Grade. Kindergarten through to the end of Seventh Grade, I was an Odd Duck, who was plenty picked on and cast out. I was the stereotypical fat kid, and I didn't like one bit of it. I did love animals though, and I enjoyed having fellow outcasts to help me not feel so bad about being outside the masses. Nowadays I enjoy being outside of the pack. I admit I'm a weird person with a hidden mean streak, and a dark sense of humor and justice. I think it was those experiences with my outcast pets, because no matter what I loved them. I was sad when Popeye died, and I looked for another one just like him. Sadly, I didn't have much luck. I'd still love my next goldfish, but I'd always be hoping one day I'd have another Popeye.

Fast forward a couple years, and there I was...embarking on the treacherous seas known as "relationships with the opposite sex". As you'll all remember, my friend Dana and I had a tumultuous couple years as we explored our feelings for one another right until the well tapped out. Whenever we weren't at each other's throats though, we were actually pretty good friends. Part of that was because, as it was with my pets, the fact that both of us were "broken" helped us get along. Looking back, with the exception of my girlfriend (whom I've known since Eighth Grade) I've always been attracted to the unstable, the interesting, and yes, the broken. Several of the girls I've pursued have had issues with their parents, whether it was one or both of them. Most of them had parents that had separated, and this in turn was what made them broken.

I'm not saying that broken people aren't functioning, good people...truth be told, I've only run into a couple broken persons who were downright bitches. Other than that, broken people are normal, because ultimately it's normal for a person to be a little broken. Everybody is broken in their own way, to their own degrees, and with their own baggage. If no one was broken, we'd all be perfect all the time and that would get extremely boring. However, from these experiences, I can say I've learned one big lesson: relationships with broken people are not easy. In order to have a working relationship with someone broken, you have to really understand them. My problem with these relationships was that I didn't understand the person I was dating too well. I rushed into things, and took things too fast, which 9 times out of 10 leads to a collapse. I felt even more broken after things ended than when they began, if that was even possible. The reasoning? I wasn't careful, and I broke myself. No one else did it, and half of my break ups were because of this fact. If I had given more thought to things, or if I had gotten to know the person more than act on a mere attraction, maybe I wouldn't have screwed things up so royally.

If you're lucky though, you'll get a second chance. I've gotten that second chance with my current girlfriend, Danielle. The first girl I ever actually went on a proper date with, was Danielle. We met in Eighth Grade at a newspaper meeting, and the first time I ever saw her I was instantly attracted. I just had to ask her out, and I did. For two months (forever in Middle School terms) we dated, talked on the phone most every day, and before I knew it...she dumped me over the phone. She said it wasn't me, it was her. Looking at this know, I know that was a lie...it sure as Hell was me. I took things too seriously, and she must have felt pressured. Middle School isn't a time for pressure, at least if you have anything to say about it. She did, and she said it, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't really upset afterwards. This was one of the first times I saw the darker side of myself. The bitter, vengeful, wounded side I'd take on whenever I was dumped out of nowhere. This wasn't a side of me I particularly enjoyed, but in my young and stupid mind there was no other place to go. After my attempts at espionage, my talking behind her back, and my outright hostile behavior, we stopped talking.

A couple years had passed, and I can't remember whether it was high school or college that got us talking again, but we did end up starting a friendship again. It was nice to be talking to her again, and I still had the hugest crush on her and she knew it. This lead to some amusingly awkward moments, one of which had me asking her if I could kiss her only to be told "no". (She later told me I should have just done it instead of asking.) Through College I'd talk to her, and she'd come to visit me a couple times in my Freshman year at Drew University. She played pool with me (and kicked my ass), she had lunch with me, and on her second visit she presented me with a mock Oscar in celebration of the fact that I was performing in the musical "Ragtime". As our friendship went on, we had our separate love lives, which were as tumultuous as one could expect. Actually, her's didn't seem that bad, whereas mine was...well it was interesting enough that there's a really good book in it.

In the summer of 2006, Danielle’s mother has passed away after a long fight with Cancer. I had known her mother was sick for about as long as I had known her, and the only reason I was invited to the wake was because I was kinda sorta flirting with her middle sister. (It went nowhere fast.) I remember seeing Danielle that day, meeting her then current boyfriend, and thinking that I was completely jealous that this guy was dating someone I still very much cared about. I would later be told that this guy was a complete jerk, and she’d been waiting to break up with him for quite some time, finally getting around to it late ’06 – early ’07. Which lead to that randomly fateful night of April 10, 2007. She had asked me to hang out, and I hadn’t expected it. I said yes, and before I knew it we were meeting in the upstairs study area of the local library. She’d just finished her college class of the evening, and sat in front of me with her homework, while I tried to avoid looking like I was staring at her. I nervously darted my eyes around the room, and surprisingly enough so did she. I remember this because it’s exactly how we acted when we first met, those 9 years ago. I took it as an indication that I had a chance with her, that I could actually not be nervous and hit on her. I did hit on her, but I was still nervous. Nervous enough that I couldn’t believe it when we wound up at the beach, sharing our first kiss in the 9 years since we’d met, and on our way to a stable relationship.

After getting to know her, I realize that she’s just as broken as I am. We’re both broken people, and broken people usually have the best relationships with other broken people. When you’re both broken, you’re more understanding of each other’s quirks. You understand why the other feels the way they do when certain things come up. You share your deepest secrets, and the deepest cuts in your soul to that person, who can’t help but kiss them and make it better. You don’t think you can change the world, but you swear to that person that you can do everything in your power to change theirs, and for the better. You want to make sure they never have to break again, and in return hope to God they don’t break you either.

Which brings me back to the story of Stevie. Sadly, Stevie and I were not meant to be. It was ultimately decided that bringing Stevie into our home was a bad idea, due to the fact that we had two other cats and a dog in the house. It would have been hard for her to live with us. I accepted this harsh, but practical reality; even though part of me still wishes I'd brought that heartwarming little bundle of fur home with me. I can only hope she has a caring and safe home right now, and I'll always remember that night when for one brief moment it looked like I was going to have Stevie for my own. I was fixated with the song "Hallelujah", in particular the Rufus Wainwright cover; and I lied on my best friend's couch, anxious to bring her home and crying about how I couldn't bear for her to be stuck without someone to love her. The broken do indeed seek the broken, and it's through other broken souls that we make ourselves whole again. It's been covered in literature, in popular culture, and it's something that's familiar to us all. That in and of itself should qualify it as a universal truth. No matter how much things suck, or how outside the fence we feel, there's someone just as broken as us waiting to pick us up and mend us.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Saw School Musical

You know, I was going to write my own take on this after seeing Pajiba suggest the idea...but after watching this video I think I'll just let someone else take over. The only original idea I have right now is a job rant, but I think I'll wait until later to do that. Until then, enjoy the carnage...

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Nostalgia for Tomorrow

Ron Howard wants you to vote...and he'll even make you laugh to do it.

See more Ron Howard videos at Funny or Die

The Battle Continues

More fuel for the fire, my friends. The first article is from Time Magazine, "Why Barack Obama is Winning"; the second is from the St. Petersburg Times out of Florida. I find that article, "Five Reasons Not to Write Off John McCain's Candidacy", to be particularly important. It counts off crucial strategies for the Republicans, and it reminds us to "Remember New Hampshire", when Hilary Clinton won the state's primary after a promising start for the Obama camp in Iowa.

The article also makes the same point I tried to make in an earlier post: there is such a thing as "too excited" and "overconfident", and people have to put up or shut up when it comes to their vote. Let these serve as reminders of not only the victory we have at our fingertips, but the means we must go to in order to secure them.
To close, I humbly submit to you all this video I was sent a link to by my college buddy Mark. The premise is simple: "What if Hollywood directors provided John McCain with spots for his campaign?" The results: Cinematic magic, particularly the final one that pokes fun at Wes Anderson's oeuvre of filmmaking.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Got Time?

For 1:50, let your mind be blown. (Note: Embedding was disabled so I couldn't post the actual video. This is the only High Quality one I could find, and I wasn't about to post some low quality video of this. Sorry.)

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Is It OK to Say "We've Won"?

Fourteen days from now an election will take place. Like every cycle before it, the American electorate will be herded to that little curtained off booth, and they’ll be asked to give their opinion. This isn’t just any opinion though. This isn’t an election for the School Board, or a Freeholder, or even that Senator/Representative business. This is a Presidential election, people’s lives are at stake on this one. The Nation hangs in the balance, and a major choice must be made.

Yet, in segments of the media and the public, their minds are already made up. Polls slanting one way or another are taken as signs that, “our guy is winning” or “we’ve got this in the bag”! Electoral maps paint a blue, red, and yellow picture on Pollster.com, that changes as easily as I do my desktop settings. Add figures from early voting, endorsements from different celebrities/former candidates/cabinet members/etc. and it gives the increasing picture that we’re going to win in November.

What people fail to see though is that no, we haven’t won anything yet. In fact, we haven’t even tallied the votes yet. As we all know, those vote tallies are important, and those Electoral Votes are important too. So you win the popular vote…congratulations! Did you win those electoral votes too? Whether we like it or not, the fate of the nation depends on the people serving the Electoral College; and whether you like it or not your vote is not the final decision in the process.

However, your vote still does count. You see, this polling data, it’s all just polls. Polls mean nothing, votes mean everything. Polls are just pledges to vote one candidate or another, ultimately it’s the job of the people to make good on their pledges to vote. The more votes cast, the bigger the margin gets. The bigger the margin, the bigger the victory. The bigger the victory, the less of a chance there is that those electoral votes will be contested, and the more of a chance the American public has of getting its voice heard effectively.

America, I ask of you, go vote on November 4th; or vote now if you’re confident enough to go and do an early voting ballot. Whatever the case, don’t let the polls mislead you into staying home lazily, as you think “We’ve got this in the bag! I don’t have to vote.”. Yes, you do have to vote. Voter turn out needs to be increased, particularly with the youth vote. Do you care about this country? Do you care about your freedom? Do you care about your future, and the future of this country, as well as what’s going on right now? Then turn off the computer, ditch the iPod and the cell phone, and go vote. It’s painless, it’s simple, and it only takes about five minutes. I promise you, you’ll actually feel better once you’ve done it.

No matter the result, no matter the opinions of everyone else, no matter the social pressures you face, you have a vote. That vote is a choice for the direction America should go in. That vote is you saying what you think is important to this country. Don’t just roll over and think you don’t need to vote. While your party might have the upper hand in the polls and the court of public opinion, the other party could really be winning the race. They are tenacious, they are hungry for victory, and they are ready to take the whole bag of marbles, while you’re sitting at home watching The Hills.

They think you’re stupid, that you’re out of touch with reality, that you don’t know what’s going on in the world and your opinion doesn’t mean anything. Well, it doesn’t…unless you go out and vote. A vote is recorded, it’s there in black and white. It says, “Yes, my opinion does matter, so fuck you and your ignorant thinking.” It may not seem like a lot, but a vote can do a lot. So if you’ve responded to surveys, watched the news and formed an opinion, stood at a rally and shouted your heart out, and if you really love it’s country, you’ll save it. And you can do that by voting.

It’s Election 2008 – we haven't won yet. We don't know if we will win. But that's why it's your job to show up to the polls and tell them, "Maybe next time. If you're good."

Let The Monster Rise

Bad news, everyone…my Happy Monday was killed. As of 3:31 PM, EST yesterday my Happy Monday was shot through it’s chest with an overload of information requests by an anonymous assassin. It was only half an hour until the end, and it got taken down like a steak dangled in front of a lion. It slowly bled out, and as it did I felt myself turning. Simply put, Happy Monday Mike is gone for now…the Dark Mike is back. Which lead me to post this on Pajiba in reference to Hollywood’s recent spate of release date fuckups.

Dear Hollywood,

So...you don't want ANYONE to go to the movies after mid November, do you? If you did, you wouldn't have robbed us of Harry Potter, Star Trek, and now The Road, the Soloist, and Defiance.

Well guess what, Hollywood? You're gonna DIE this Holiday season. I mean, c'mon, "Twilight"? You're either a eunich or an emo if you're looking forward to seeing that.

Four Christmases? You think THAT shit is gonna fly? Vince Vaughn stopped being charming after Wedding Crashers, he should be making serial killer pictures or dramas by now. (Speaking of which, wasn't he set to adapt "Against All Enemies"? I would rather see that shit than a weak assed Oliver Stone film about Dubya. You've lost it old man!)

Changling? Not only is it hard for NFL announcers to pronounce, I'm actually TIRED of seeing Angelina Jolie in "awards hungry, mommy under pressure" flicks. I saw A Mighty Heart, and not only did I want my time back, but I was frightened by the birthing scene and how Angelina Jolie turned into the PredAlien in five seconds flat.)

The Day The Earth Stood Still? Yeah, I want to see Keanu Reeves in a movie where he ISN'T doing wire fu. It looks like warmed leftovers from The Day After Tomorrow. Toss it into the pile with Madagascar 2. Really, I only see myself watching Bolt and Quantum of Solace. That's about it.

I've torn your Fall release schedule a new asshole, Hollywood. And you know what? The rest of the Fall, I'll go and frolic about. I'll have a life, I'll enjoy the great outdoors, I'll even talk to my family. Just to see you bleed like a Divorce Lawyer.

The Entertainment Masses endured through your fucking writer's strike, we'll endure this. And all the while, you'll lose more money than you would have earned if you just left everything the fuck alone, and South Park will make fun of your greedy asses again.

Fuck off,
Mike R.

P.S. Warner Brothers, you pissed me off the most. First with your cheap assed DVD practices (giving every fucking movie an "Ultimate Edition" box set), and then with your screwing over Trick 'R Treat. It should be added to the list of "casualties" in your Fall schedule. People like the movie, the production company liked the movie, RELEASE THE FUCKING MOVIE ALREADY, YOU DUMBSHITS!

Monday, October 20, 2008

THIS is what a maverick looks like

One of my best friends, and reader, Chris L. sent me this video, which in his view addresses one of the biggest criticisms of the Obama campaign, "[Obama] has a common sense point of view, but has difficulty translating that so that people understand what modern progressive liberals are all about. Like his weak (IMO) refutation of McCain’s socialist accusations. This was his opportunity to bury Republican Conservatism, as an ideology, for decades yet I think he failed to make the argument solidly enough."

Thanks for the video, Chris.

Happy Monday Videos

First, last night's Family Guy was yet another episode where the writers flipped a coin with each joke to decide whether they'd write a funny joke or a "Family Guy" joke*, this bit is an example of a "funny joke":

Next, a clip of Jon Stewart with sucky audio. But it's sucky audio of saying "Fuck you" to Sarah Palin's "Small Towns are Pro America" remarks.

Finally, Mark Wahlberg threatens Andy Samberg...something 99% of America can agree with.

Until the next post, Say hi to your Mother for me.

P.S. Governor Palin, when you say "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night", you're supposed to shout it and with feeling! Someone who's had experience, "Energizing the base" should know that. Oh, and you chair dance funny. Epic Fail.

The Zen of Mr. Controversy

It’s that time again…another not so depressing, “uplifting” post. Rest assured, I’m still funny when I’m happy, in fact I’d say I’m funnier with a smile than a grimace. The reasoning behind this is because driving to work this morning, for an inexplicable reason (except for maybe today feels like the first Fall morning of the season) I was actually feeling quite wonderful. I didn’t yell at traffic like I normally do, I didn’t bitch at the woman in front of me to stop talking on her cell phone, I surprisingly just listened to my music and smiled. Some might interpret that as a sign that I’ve lost all reasoning and have finally “lost it”, I see it as a result of weekend naps and a not so tired feeling this morning. I can’t be certain that this is the reason I feel so wonderfully this morning, but I don’t want to chance it, and I’ll just go on enjoying it.

I really didn’t do much this weekend to warrant such euphoria, and the only difference between this weekend and others is I didn’t end up splurging money on cheap movies or video games. I didn’t even buy that many books, though I feel I should suspend my book buying habits for a little while too, especially with Christmas shopping around the corner. I don’t feel generally outraged with the world right now, and I’ve already made my daily visit to PoliticsHome.com, and even saw that my stock portfolio on UpDown.com has tanked, probably because they decided to take back the virtual money I made after trading AIG stock during a system glitch. (Ok, I’m a little pissy about that last part, but it’s not a game changer.) Plus, I’ve talked to my boss this morning, and not once did I feel the normal urge to doze or grouse about the overly clerical and mind numbing nature of my job.

Really, the only things that seem poised to stand in the way of my Happy Monday are work itself, and the trailer for Marley and Me. For now though, I’m just going to drink in the rest of Phillip Glass’s “The Grid” from Koyaanisqatsi, and then I’ll click on that little “play” icon to see if that trailer indeed unravels me from calmed office worker into enraged movie geek. Better yet, maybe I’ll just wait for that trailer until I get home, I have Xbox there and I can kick something’s ass digitally if I need to relieve the stress of seeing Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson pretend to be likable. So until I snap I will say to you all, enjoy this Monday morning. It’s actually not that bad, and it could be a Hell of a lot worse. Really, a post like this is as rare as an episode of House where he's walking about without a cane and smiling. Trust me, those are rare.

Friday, October 17, 2008

A Recovering Republican Writes to Joe Six Pack

Dear Joe Six Pack,

I’ll dispense with the pleasantries and cut to the throat of the matter…you’re fucking up out election. Before I go any further, let me specify that when I say “Joe Six Pack”, I don’t mean “all Americans without a College Degree”. Yes, I have a Bachelor’s degree, and yes I’m hoping to pursue a Master’s, but I’m not above those who couldn’t afford or didn’t feel like going to college. Both of my parents never went to college, and I still respect and honor them as thinking individuals. (Even if they’re voting McCain.) I don’t hate all McCain supporters. Joe Six Pack, on the other hand, embodies a set of ideals and beliefs that frankly, make me scared he can even vote.

You enjoy your simple minded thinking, and your bumper sticker talking points. You might call yourself a “redneck”. You’re undereducated, and you flaunt it. You think Elizabeth Hasselbeck is a strong moral compass in the world, as well as a hottie, and you think she should just be left to spew forth her beliefs unfettered and unchecked. You enjoy the simple things in life: “beer, tits, and killing Arabs”, which all fall under the McCain/Palin bandwagon. You’d rather shout “Drill Baby, Drill” and “Nobama!” than crack open a newspaper or a web browser and think for yourself. You like to say “Barack Hussein Obama” at the start of rallies, and shout things like “Kill him!” or “Terrorist!” You enjoy crazy old men, and wackjob former beauty queens running for the highest executive office in the nation. You like to label all Muslims terrorists. You do remember that there was an Egyptian terrorist in the group that perpetrated 9/11, right? If you’re going to “never forget” that day, then you better sure as fuck remember EXACTLY what happened, and the EXACT facts involved, because…well, you said you never forgot, and since your memory is so unimpeachable, I expect you to remember every last goddamn detail.

You criticize the Obama campaign for it’s usage of the words “change” and “hope”. You say, “What change?” or “What hope?” Well, if you don’t know what “change” and “hope” mean with the Obama campaign, then frankly you’ve either been happy with the last eight years of policy or you just haven’t been listening. “Change” means we’re aiming for a new direction in America, one that doesn’t embody George W. Bush’s “strategeries” and instead embodies the hope and promise of America. “Hope” is what we all have in this country, if we just let ourselves partake in it. No matter how dire the circumstances, no matter how great the odds, we can always hope for something, and that hope motivates some to do extraordinary things. We hoped to go to the Moon, we hoped to end the Cold War, and we hope that the War on Terror can be fought by other means that wouldn’t put countless American lives at risk. We have the hope, we just need to be vindicated in this hope, instead of demonized and called “unpatriotic”. But all of this, this doesn’t track with you, Joe Six Pack.

Do you know what Hussein means? According to Wikipedia, it “is an Arabic name which is the diminutive of Hasan, meaning "good" or "handsome" or "beautiful". My first and last name technically means, “God King”. Are you going to lash out at me now, because you think I’m better than you? Well, I am. I busted my ass in school, and I pulled for Bush in the last election. (I know I keep mentioning this fact, consider it my “mea culpa”.) I slogged through unfavorable opinions of the President, and tried to defend him because I felt he was an underdog. He wasn’t, he was just a dumbass who people rallied behind because they were afraid (rightfully so) about what was happening in the world, and why people hated America.

Looking at the News media and politics today, I’ve come to a realization…there is no such thing as unvarnished truth or unrestricted access anymore. There will always be cards that no one gets to see, and truth will always be obscured by the lens of observation. Ultimately, you come down on the side you’re more pleased with, the one that speaks to you the most. You’re allowed to switch when you feel like it, I know because I’ve done it myself. I voted for Bush in ’04, I’m voting for Obama in ’08. Want to know why? Because I believe in him, and I believe in “change” and “hope”. Because I don’t mind people superior to me running the country. I don’t want someone I can “have a beer with”, I want someone I can sit on a balcony and have a cigar and a scotch with. Obama is nothing short of Harvey fucking Dent in my eyes. (Not the weird Two Face personality, the public figure who believes in ideals and best serving the people.)

I’m voting for Obama because I do love America. Nowhere else in the world do you have such an expanse of civil liberties, beautiful sceneries, and so many different types of people out there, yourself included. I love going to Disney World, though Universal is alright too. I like roller coasters, and chili dogs, and I think the American flag should be respected. But the respect paid towards the flag is the respect paid to the citizens and lawmakers behind it. If you’re a fuck up, chances are they’re not going to respect that flag, simply because as a politician you’re representing it every time you open your mouth. If Bush remembered that, he wouldn’t have completely undermined his belief in the United States Governmental system by saying that things would be easier as a dictatorship…especially if he was the dictator. Mr. President, you wouldn’t be elected dog catcher after what you’ve done in the White House. Your administration is the cum stain on the wedding dress of history, and we happen to know a VERY good dry cleaner, who will just happen to remove all but minimal traces of what damage you’ve done.

Yes, I’m an elitist. Wait, strike that, FUCK YES I’m an elitist. I want everything to be perfect, or damn near close. I want the best I can get. I want the best shoes, the best hair, the best car, the best legal representation, the best porn, the best food, in short the best life I can have for myself. Is it so wrong to strive for the best? If you want your car fixed, you go to the best mechanic. If you want to learn, you go to the best school. If you want your country to start healing itself after eight years of a self destructive administration that damaged our reputation and our livelihood, inside and outside of our borders, you pick the best candidate. This is why I pick Barack Obama, because I feel he is the best for America, and I want only the best for this country. It’s where I was born and where I’ve grown up. It’s what I grew up believing in, and still believe in to this very day. It’s where I want to raise my children. I’ve fallen in love here, as well as fallen in love with this country. I might not be a solider, or a law maker, or in any position to do anything huge that’ll protect this country, but I do have a vote, and I’m not afraid to use it. In short, you, Joe Six Pack, have not been the same since you raped Ned Beatty in the woods, and I hope come November 4th YOU are the one who’s squealing like a pig.

Fuck you, Joe Six Pack. This is the Age of the Elites.

Michael (“He who is god or like god”) Reyes (“King”), aka Mr. Controversy

P.S. Did you know you’re buddy Joe the Plumber owes back taxes, might not be registered to vote, and doesn’t even have a plumber’s license? Watch your back, we might just take away your beer cans and force you into rehab.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

My Debate with John McCain(bot)

Thanks to 23/6 (Test your debate skills against Old Man McCain- he's online now!) I was able to debate a virtual representation of noneother than Grandpa Cranky Pants McGee-erson. I have another, better feature I'm working on, but since that won't be done anytime soon, and I'd rather not rush it, here's the next best thing!

John McCain : I hope you brought some ointment for your "you-know-what."

Mr. Controversy : What?

John McCain : I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over those bombs being set by the terrorist William Ayers.

Mr. Controversy : William Ayers is a professor, not a terrorist. Sure, he was a part of a radical anti Vietnam movement, but nowadays he's as harmful as you.

John McCain : Oh, good one, "that one."

Mr. Controversy : "that one"

John McCain : I'd argue that you don't connect with Joe Sixpack, but then again, Muslims don't drink beer. Not that you're a Muslim. I'm just saying, they don't. It's a fact.

Mr. Controversy : First off, I'm Puerto Rican/German/American. Second of all Joe Sixpack is a dundering fuckwit, again much like you.

John McCain : I'd say your campaign is "all out of love." Like that song...who's that by? Oh, yes. Ayers Supply. What?

Mr. Controversy : Yeah, we'll you're "one foot in the grave" like that british sitcom theme song. You'd know that if you were ever outside of the country, except to bomb the shit out of another country.

John McCain : The truth is, Senator, I would actually lower taxes on people making more than $10 million a year. How's that for being a friend to the middle class?

Mr. Controversy : Middle class? You finally acknowledge they exist?

John McCain : Well, as a POW who spent five years as a POW in a POW camp, I would say, in my POW opinion that…oh, my time is up? Oops.

Mr. Controversy : Yeah, your point was?

John McCain : Sure, it's easy to know "facts" when your brain isn't always thinking about how much you love the troops, like mine is.

Mr. Controversy : I respect the troops. You merely "support" them.

John McCain : I've always been in favor of pre-de-re-unregulating the banking system.

Mr. Controversy : Yes, well I'm for Re-pre-deregulating the banking system.

John McCain : Terrorism is still a threat. We must always worry whether underground groups will…

Mr. Controversy : Yes, terrorism is still a threat. When did it stop being a threat? It's been a threat since the dawn of civilization.

John McCain : I said, we have to worry WEATHER UNDERGROUND sleeper cells might…oh, forget it.

Mr. Controversy : Score one for me.

John McCain : Alright, I've had it with you. That's it. I'm taking the gloves off.

Mr. Controversy : First you have to take them out of your puppet's ass. By the way, how's Sarah?

John McCain : Whoops. I just realized I'm not wearing gloves. That's just my wrinkly hand skin.

Mr. Controversy : Way to go, Crypt Keeper.

John McCain : I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over those bombs being set by the terrorist William Ayers.

Mr. Controversy : And scene.

John McCain : Oh, good one, "that one."

Mr. Controversy : Fuck off, old man.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Rejected by Cracked!: The Dark Side of Toys

Another day I'm finding it hard to write something new, another rejected pitch from my Cracked days!

Note: This story has been renamed from its original pitch title, because I really didn't know how to capture the essence of this story in the typical "Top X" format.

The Dark Side of Toys

by Michael Reyes

We all still remember some of the toy fads that have come and gone in the past couple decades. We especially remember the ones that we kicked, screamed, and set fire to Daddy's limited edition lithograph of Stan Lee wrestling Captain America to get. Now, the thing about toy fads is that they get kind of brutal. Exhibited in the art house masterpiece, "Jingle All The Way", parents trying to get the ultimate present for their child will do ANYTHING to get those toys. People get hurt, some kids get their feelings crushed, everyone drinks...except for the victors. The only drink they get is the milk of the Gods. They got the toy, their kid is happy, they are the SuperParent. Unfortunately, if they had read the labels a little more carefully, or if perhaps they looked at what the toy actually was, then maybe they would have just sucked it up, swept away the ashes of Stan Lee's Greco Roman antics, and backhanded their child for wanting toys that would eventually send them the wrong message about life. These are the toys that could have unintentionally had some weird influences over kids .

Cabbage Patch Kids (released in 1978):

The Toy: Adorable, cherubic little tots that you could care for. These were one of the biggest toy crazes in the 1980’s, besides Teddy Ruxpin. Except all he did was teach you to read and shit. Who the fuck wants that?

The Appeal: Kids have always loved dolls, and thanks to Cabbage Patch Kids dolls, girls AND boys could play with dolls. Though, the boys probably weren’t too open about playing with them, for fear of being labeled a “fag” on the playground.

The Dark Side: Cabbage Patch Kids were rumored to be designed to adjust people to the horrors of children born deformed thanks to radiation poisoning. (
http://www.snopes.com/business/origins/cabbage.asp) According to the rumors, good ol’ Ronnie Regan wanted to prepare the world for babies that were born deformed because of radioactive fallout. This perverse (yet unproven) rumor also speculates that the CIA had radioactively infected people breeding, just to produce models. And there you have half the lameassed plot for The Hills Have Eyes 2.

Unintended Message: "Hey, radioactively mutated babies are cute. Why are we so afraid of nuclear weapons?"

My Buddy (released in 1985)

The Toy: Little boys can be called “fag” only so many times before they either kick someone’s ass, or conform to the label given to them. (Just ask Clay Aiken) So, in an effort to properly win the “boy doll” market, My Buddy was created. The main feature about My Buddy…he was almost as big as you. So carrying him around meant no strollers or baby carriers. He’s not a doll, he’s My Buddy!

The Appeal: Want a little brother, but Mommy and Daddy aren’t exactly getting along enough to make one for you? Get a My Buddy doll, you can do everything you would want to do with a little brother! And what’s better, My Buddy doesn’t tell on you when you stay up ultra late to watch Cinemax!

The Dark Side: Heeere’s Chucky!
That’s right, Chucky from Child’s Play had a more than passing resemblance to the My Buddy doll, causing many a nightmare in nurseries across America. What’s funny is according to the film’s director, Chucky was really inspired by the advertising blitz caused by the Cabbage Patch Dolls. Yep. So on top of being a Satan worshiping serial killer, My Buddy was deformed from the Chernobyl disaster.

Unintended Message: “Any of your toys in your room, and any given moment in the day, can fucking kill you. Good night, kids!”

Tamogotchi (released in 1996)

The Toy: The first in a long line of “virtual pets”, the Tamogotchi was another Japanese creation that would ensure our children would have no lives and remain virgins. (Nintendo took offense to this, seeing as they had previously cornered the market in this area.)

The Appeal: Tamogotchis and the Macarena ruled 1996, which automatically makes 1996 the most dangerous year to raise a child. (More on that with the next toy.)

The Dark Side: With no pause feature in the original Tamogotchis, and the requirement of constant care in order to keep them alive, kids Tamogotchi’s were dying left and right because of stupid things like school, chores, and Bible school. That’s right kids, your teacher, your parents, and your God are all in a grand conspiracy to kill your Tamogotchi. Shame befall you if you fail. This level of obsession, if unchecked, produces parents that are obsessed with their spawn and talk endlessly about them, as if anyone gave a shit.

Unintended Message: “No one loves you like I do, Tamogotchi. Nothing else matters in this world. NOTHING! Let us share our bond with the world.”

Tickle Me Elmo (released in 1996):

The Toy: A shrilling, screaming, overly sensitive Muppet; who is designed to entertain your children and teach them nothing but to be annoying.

The Appeal: What could be considered as a strong candidate for the world’s first mentally retarded Muppet, Elmo was introduced in the 1990’s to attract children to Sesame Street. After his fame took hold, the merchandising bonanza spat this unholy creature in the faces of parents.

The Dark Side: A black eye to the original purpose of Sesame Street, this toy taught kids NOTHING of educational worth. And what’s worse, people have been injured and even mugged to get this toy. (
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/2006/09/25/2006-09-25_tickle_pickle_your_elmo_or_your_life.html) Plus, all it does is laugh and say “That Tickles!” Try using that on a test in elementary school. So in addition to making Jim Henson spin in his grave even faster, it also made kids into even more annoying little shits.

Unintended Message: “If I say everything in a grating, high pitched voice and follow everything I say with a loud cry of ‘YAY!’, everyone’s gonna love me and trust me with their kids.”

Furby (released in 1998)

The Toy: Tiger Electronics struck a goldmine with the Furby, a toy pet that was more functional than a Pet Rock, but wasn't quite on the level of a Super Toy Teddy. Through close interaction with its owner, its speech would develope as it moved merrily along its life cycle.

The Appeal: Hey, its Tamogatchi all over again, only it doesn't die, and it talks! Plus, these creatures beared what some saw as more than a passing resemblance to Gizmo, the mogwai from Gremlins, and who didn't love that little fucker? (Gizmo was later immortalized as a Furby, as well as Yoda...is there nothing Lucas or Spielberg have marketed?)

The Dark Side: Furbies could have caused a massive information leak in the NSA!
http://www.ijmc.com/archives/1999/January/15January1999.html. Due to their rumored ability to adapt their spoken language by listening to what's being said around them, Furbies were banned from Fort Meade, MD because of "built-in recorders that repeat the audio with synthesized sound to mimic the original signal." This was later dismissed as merely a rumor, but who's to say the possibility isn't still there. Hackers have screwed with Furbies in the past, and we all know how crafty those hackers can be! So while Daddy has his Furby from little Jimmy sitting on his desk, which he bought from this kindly old Korean man only $15, Furby could recording the launch codes that'll bring about North Korea’s epic victory against America."

Unintended Message: “Hey Mom, Kim Jong-Il said I don’t have to go to school tomorrow, so HA!”

These toys are just horrible examples of what you see not always entailing what you get. Though, it could be worse, we could be making toys that contain lead and cause them to have delusions that they’re overly sexual teen popstars…
…oh shit.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Rejected by Cracked!: The Top 7 Horror Movies NOT To Watch When Dealing With Pregnancy

It's been a while since I did one of these (and I never finished the Music one I started earlier. Sorry, I just thought it got old fast.) For those unaware, I submitted a couple possible stories to Cracked.com, and never got anywhere with them. Needless to say, I stopped trying because Cracked became a bit derivative (except for videos from Those Aren't Muskets and Wayne Gladstone) and I stopped reading and submitting. So here's another story Rejected by Cracked!

The Top 7 Horror Movies NOT To Watch When Dealing With Pregnancy

by Michael Reyes

Childbirth. It’s a beautiful process that displays the beauty of life and its creation. Unfortunately, it’s also pretty goddamn scary. So scary in fact, that when you should be laughing and crying, you’re cowering in your closet and muttering to yourself, “Pray for daylight, pray for daylight…”. And how better to display the fears of parenthood than through the magically traumatizing lens of cinema! If you ever plan on being a parent, DON’T watch ANY of these movies, or else.

The Astronaut's Wife

The Plot: So, Charlize Theron and Johnny Depp are a happily married couple, with one little problem with their little bundles of joy: their twins may or may not be evil aliens bent on world domination. You see, Johnny Depp was on a routine space mission, and an alien possessed him. The shitty part is, it wasn't even one of those cool aliens that can move things with its mind and crap, all he can do is read people's minds and be all moody, which would make Johnny Depp the world's first emo alien.

Why will it scare the shit out of you?: After Captain Jack bites the dust, the alien inhabits Charlize Theron and fulfills its plans to give birth to twins who act like a computer...a world dominating computer that'll fly a stealth bomber and hypnotize the world or something. It's kind of hard to pay attention to this part without realizing that you'll stay away from your girlfriend's love tunnel for a good month or so, in fear you may knock her up with twins of those aliens from Independence Day."
Add some mascara, a couple of tears...

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

The Plot: Set in the nightmarish aftermath of the Miley Cyrus Vanity Fair photo spread, Dawn of the Dead accurately depicts the trials and tribulations suffered by survivors of a zombie apocalypse. (By “accurately”, it’s meant that the movie follows the original pretty closely, except for replacing zombies with speed freaks.) Forced to hide out in a mall, they do everything from shopping and screwing to blowing people’s heads off with shotguns and snipping a zombified Jay Leno, which is also what passes for the American Dream these days.

Why it will scare the shit out of you: Aww, he has his father's eyes...and his mother's lust for flesh. One of the survivors, a pregnant woman, gets scratched by one of the undead. The characters don’t know it, but we all know that it’s a matter of time before mother has turned into the person your father warned you she would when you married her. Only, instead of just being a garden variety raging bitch, she’ll try to fucking eat you. On the plus side, pro choice advocates have used this film as a platform for legalized abortion, citing the defense, “Well, at least we know the kid won’t grow up to be a zombie.”

Protip: If your baby's lacking a heartbeat, but still kicking...chances are it's a zombie.

Seed Of Chucky:

The Plot: Chucky, everyone’s favorite serial killer/play thing, and his Goth wife Tiffany, have decided they want a baby. But they don’t want just a freak plastic doll baby, they want the real deal. So, they do what any doll in its right mind would do: they kidnap Jennifer Tilly and knock her up. (If you think about that sentence for a little, you’ll truly appreciate just how bad of an idea this is.) A weird assed cameo by John Waters, and a really weird assed final act of the film later, you still don’t want to know the end result because it’s either too hideous or too laughable for you to ever sustain an erection again.

Why it will scare the shit out of you: The movie insinuates that a doll can get a woman pregnant. Would you like it if one of your G.I. Joe’s climbed into bed and dropped one inside your girlfriend? (OK, G.I. Joe would be pretty badassed…what about Cobra Commander? Yeah, I thought so. Now we’re on the same page.) If this movie is any indication, you'll look at your kid's wrist when their born and swear you could see 'Made in China' written on them. A minor plus though, you'll have a great excuse to stop your girlfriend from collecting those fucking dolls of hers again. Especially because, “But honey, Han Solo needs his breathing room”, doesn’t sound sexy or credible at all.

Pictured: Your future stepson, aged 10

The Omen

The Plot: An ambassador and his wife are expecting a little bundle of joy. Unfortunately, that little bundle of joy experiences an extremely late term abortion, to be replaced with the very spawn of Satan himself. Armed with creepy assed nanny, german shepherd, and of course evil powers, he kills his way to power.

Why it will scare the shit out of you: Hospitals are scary enough, what with staph infections and extremely large medical bills, the last thing anyone needs is to have any suspicion that their baby is going to get axed and replaced with an evil spawn that’ll push you down the stairs with a wink and a smile. This film spawned a trilogy, in which Damien, the demon child, gets to be president and start a war with the Middle East. For the record, George H.W. Bush did see this movie, and yet Little Georgey still lives to this very day, so one could assume that George H.W. Bush is Satan. (Either that, or he just didn’t care anymore at that point.)

How's this for a birth announcement?

Rosemary's Baby:

The Plot: A struggling actor, doing what he thinks is best for his career, makes a pact with Satan that if he becomes famous, he can make sweet love with his wife and sire a darling little cherub…that’ll bring upon the great end times.

Why it will scare the shit out of you: Yeah, The Omen covered similar ground to this, only instead of pussying out and saying that he was “adopted”, Roman Polanski went the extra mile and implied that the Devil does indeed get some tail. The creepiest part about this is that EVERYONE IS FUCKING IN ON IT! That’s right, just picture your parents, your grandmother, even your best friend, knew Satan double teamed your girlfriend…on his own…and happened to leave a baby in there for you to raise. Talk about serving the sentence without committing the crime. After watching this movie, not only won't you abstain from sex for about a good five years or so, you'll wind up going to church every weekend, thinking it'd protect you from pure evil. Which is wrong, because you'd only be exposing yourself to even more concentrated doses of it.

Rock-a-bye murder.

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007)

The Plot: Aliens fuck Earth's shit up. Predator's fuck the Alien's shit up, and therefore fuck up Earth's shit by transitive property. Humans try desperately to fuck as much the Alien and Predator shit up as they can. Nuclear explosions and ominous hint at a sequel.

Why it will scare the shit out of you: The PredAlien, God's running joke, is an eerie reminder of why you should be selective in choosing a mate. Genetic science isn't just some overblown chemistry set that consists of your penis and some girl's vagina, so don't just mix shit together and hope for the best. An even scarier example is when the PredAlien lays its eggs in the stomach of a pregnant woman who just HAD to give birth during an apocalyptic showdown between two creatures who haven't been lamer. Move over kid, there ain't enough room in the womb for the seven of us.

You probably shouldn't trust this guy as your wife's prenatal care provider.


The Plot: This film is traditionally labeled as a comedy, but keep in mind the ad wizards that make such decisions also decided that Die Hard would still be cool as a PG13 movie and that Jar Jar Binks was “lovable”. In this tail of modern medicine gone wrong, Arnold Schwarzenegger wants a baby...inside his stomach. This tail of horror and crimes against nature was better than its far less scarier sequel, End of Days, where Satan tries to do Arnie one better. Seeing as both films sucked so much they killed Arnold Schwarzenegger’s career enough to actually sign on for Terminator 3, that’s not exactly a compliment.

Why it will scare the shit out of you: Scarier than the spawn of Satan, creepier than an alien’s plot for world domination, this movie forces you to ask a question you should never have to consider: Could you imagine the kid Arnold Schwarzenegger would give birth to? That’s scarier than any kid Katherine Heigl and Seth Rogen could pop out. Unless you someone who would consider the moment your child is born and screaming, “GOOOOO! GET TO ZE CHOPPAAAA!”, your finest hour. Plus, lie to us as they may, the Hollywood studio system forgot one teensy detail…some poor bastard (probably Danny DeVito) had to sleep with Arnold Schwarzenegger. You think Arnold sounded funny when he talked? Just try and picture his o-face. Danny’s too, if you’re not bleeding from your eyes yet.

"Yeah, you're gonna need all the Limoncello you can get your hands on for what I'm about to do to ya..."

With all of the freaky shit going on in the world, the last thing you want to do is bring a child into the world that'll be half of anything on this list. True, having kids can be cool, especially when you realize that your job is to make them as awesome as you see fit. Just don’t watch any of these movies, don’t expect as much sex as you’d like for nine months, and get your catcher’s mitt ready for the big day.

Michael Reyes is an aspiring writer, when he’s not trying to undermine the laughable “box office draw” of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, and hunting furious masturbators. You can read his bitchings about Movies, Politics, and how horrible your mother was last night at mrcontroversy.blogspot.com

The Business of Controversy

So the weekend was a lot of fun, but as a result of being off both Friday and Monday, I seem to be a little lazy in getting back on the horse and writing. Nevertheless, I do plan to have that Family Guy column up soon. (I'd just like to actually watch the old episode, as well as the newer episode I specified in the Prologue. I'm not excusing myself from the assignment.)

Unlike Family Guy, I don't have a staff of manatees in a tank throwing random idea balls into a machine. On top of the writer's block, work is getting interesting due to some complications thrown my way by my boss, so it's a little more difficult to get back to business than usual. Sorry folks, but at least I threw you that McCain video this morning. Until next time...whenever the hell that is. It'll be soon though.

You Can't Make This Shit Up

Bet you they won't be showing THIS on Fox News. Thanks to Comedy Central Insider for throwing some light on this video.

Can you smell the narrow minded electorate? If so...I suggest using a room spray to wash it away.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

28 Days Later (from now), or "That One"

Wow...just...how in the world does John McCain expect to escape THAT?! "That one"? He referred to a fellow senator, a man of good standing, and a rival for the Presidency as "That one"? Did I watch the wrong debate last night? I thought I was watching a Presidential Debate, not "Old White Guy vs. 'That One' ". The Presidential Debate last night didn't do much, except for raise Tom Brokaw's blood pressure when both candidates broke from the agreed set of rules for the evening. And yet, John McCain was the one that seemed to be getting upset over the tossing of the rules. Isn't that what a "maverick" does? Don't they throw caution to the wind and discard the rules, ignoring the moderator's questions and speak directly to the American public?

But, Obama's "maverick" tactic was to break from format, but still provide some answer to the question. Yes, I know I'm an Obama supporter, and I know I've done all but tattooed the man's name on my knuckles like a demented preacher, but last night taught me exactly why people watch the highlights...it's pointless. Yep. The debates are pointless. It's all scripted, all prepared, and all filtered. That, however, isn't the problem, because debating itself isn't pointless. No, "these" debates are pointless, meaning the way the political climate has changed these days it's not safe anymore to attack anyone while looking at them. Off camera, out of the room, both candidates have had plenty of smack talk. On camera, it's just barely civil discourse, and on top of it all everyone will be judging the debate by the sound bites generated by the evening's discussion. Plus, the "Town Hall" format is unwieldly. It just doesn't seem all that interesting. Yes, the candidates get to answer questions of the people; and yes, it seems more open and less formal; but it's only two steps removed from an episode of Oprah. In short, I really can't wait for this to be over. As I was telling a friend earlier, I'm just waiting for McCain to call Obama, "Boy", in the next debate.

I hope Tom Brokaw is recovering from whatever may have caused him to get upset last night, and I hope John McCain is recovering from whatever may have caused him to not shake Obama's hand last night. If he could do it once, he could do it again. Unless...nah, it couldn't have been a hollow gesture the first time...could it?

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Reyes/Donaghy Week 5

I'm afraid I have some bad news...The Reyes/Donaghy campaign is over. Jack told me to pass this along to you all. For the record, I returned the Aston Martin, the flamethrower was a gift, and that "hooker" was Anne Hathaway!

Sad news my friends…
The Reyes/Donaghy campaign has dissolved. Apparently, we’ve been called out on a couple issues. Everything from campaign finance to appointing a Goat as a Supreme Court Justice, to even trying to make a weekly reality show of business at the Oval Office, it was all “questioned” by the “mavericks”.

I apologize to anyone who bought the Reyes/Donaghy Kitchen Appliance set, those grills weren’t supposed to malfunction like they did. Our prayers go out to that small town out in Iowa, which was the first (and last) stop on our campaign trail. On top of all that, I wanted to get back to work at NBC. There’s something big happening on October 30th that I wanted to personally oversee, and well…it was either the campaign or NBC. I’ll never forget issuing my final statement to Mr. Reyes, and all of our campaign staffers, …”Nothing tops the Peacock”.

Perhaps if the world were in a different mindset, we’d be seen as visionaries and leaders. Instead, we’ve been labeled as “dreamers” and as such we’ve been seen as a political liability to anyone who would have voted for us. (The polls showed thirteen votes…Mrs. Henley’s Third Grade Class in Home Court, Iowa, Mrs. Henley, and Sparky the Class Pet Goat. Apparently, he was a VERY important goat.) Maybe someday the Reyes/Donaghy flags will fly over 30 Rock again, and maybe we’ll be able to actually get invited to participate in a debate instead of standing in front of our own podium at Reyes/Donaghy headquarters and debating the candidates on Television in front of us. (Which, strangely, was what Ralph Nader was also doing in his headquarters next door.) This isn’t a surrender, merely a promise for future victory at an undisclosed time. Until then, may good fortune visit you all, and may the Peacock fly every so high above us all.

Forever indebted,

Jack Donaghy

P.S. Reyes, you owe me $15 million dollars for those "campaign finances" you put on my NBC expense account. Gas for a trip to Washington DC shouldn't be that high! I've also been asked that you return the hooker, the Aston Martin V12, and the flamethrower.

Monday, October 6, 2008

The Courage of Others

This weekend, in my hometown of Howell, New Jersey; we had our first Home Game of our Varsity football team. Normally, I wouldn’t go to a game other than the Thanksgiving game that’s held yearly at either our school, or our rival school Freehold Township. This game was special though. Not only was it the first game my brother Lewis would be performing in the school band, but it was also dedicated to “Howell’s Hero”: First Lieutenant Brian Brennan.

Brennan, a graduate of Howell High’s Class of 2002, as well as The Citadel’s Class of 2006, was severely injured in an IED attack this past May. According to the literature on his trust’s official website, “…He had sustained an acute brain injury, a collapsed lung, internal bleeding, a ruptured spleen, multiple compound fractures of his left arm, and a shattered femur bone.” In addition to all of this, he had to have both legs amputated while undergoing treatment for his wounds.

I didn’t know Brian. I’m not going to say that I knew him and that I was pals with him. Sadly, it wasn’t until this incident that I knew he was in my High School class. I do know this however: he had the courage to do what myself and others couldn’t. He had the motivation and the courage to go into the military and fight in the War on Terror. No matter what your political leanings are, bravery like this is still magnificent to find. Particularly when you factor in that he knew the risks involved, he knew the job that had to be done, and he went ahead anyway when others would have said “No thanks.”

“We support the troops”. That’s something you hear all the time, particularly in politics. “We support the troops”. But do we respect them and what they do? Do we respect the people that truly put their lives on the line for us to sleep at night, and do we reward the efforts of these men and women the way we should? In the case of Howell Township, New Jersey…yes, we do. A lot of talk has been made of “small town values” lately…this isn’t talk. This is pure action. Not just on Howell’s part either. When First Lieutenant Brennan was coming home from Walter Reed Medical Center, radio station New Jersey 101.5 encouraged its listeners to line Route 9 waving flags as his motorcade went by. A trust fund has been set up, with several events lined up to raise money for the Brennan’s renovation project: converting their house to be handicap accessible, so their son doesn’t struggle returning to his own home.

I know of at least three other people who are over there, or are training to go into the Military, and possibly over to the Middle East, to support the war effort. I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not the military type. I’m too suited for Politics, and I wouldn’t last a day in the Armed Forces. I’m ready to accept that. But I respect those who are my total opposite. Those who say “Yes” to the call of duty, and those who have answered it in the past. (My father was in the Marine Corps just as Nixon ended Vietnam, My father’s father was a medic in the Korean War.)

It’s started to sound like a cliché, but my generation was the first of military age after 9/11, and some of us were the first to enlist to go into the military and fight terror where it lies. The motivations of the government may not have been the purest, but the motivations of the soldiers have always been what the McCain ticket claims today: “Country First”. We’ve lost too many brave men and women already. Sons, daughters, wives, brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, best friends. All gone forever. But thankfully, for the Brennans, their son is coming home. Isn’t it time we brought everyone else home?

For more information http://brennanstandsalone.org/index.php

Thursday, October 2, 2008

When You're Gone

Ok, personal time again. Those who want to read about politics and other stuff, you’ll have to wait. Skip this post if you don’t want to read a serious account of something in my personal life.

Randomly, while driving home yesterday, my mind drifted to the subject of friends. I didn’t know why, but tangentially I wandered into thinking about a dear friend of mine who had passed away last year. Dana was only 23; she would have turned 24 in October of 2007. (She's in the picture at the top of the story. She's the bridesmaid with the glasses standing right next to the bride.) While at a funeral for her girlfriend’s grandfather, she was so overcome by emotional stress that a rush of blood to her heart took her down. She was born with a heart condition, and she had put on weight in the past couple of years, which exacerbated her condition. In the summer of 2007, I lost my friend whom I’d grown up with, fallen for a couple times, and experienced a good portion of my adolescence with. Those of you who know me from Elementary, Middle, or High School know of the story of Dana and me. Anyone that’s interested and doesn’t know it, here it goes.

We met in Third Grade, and ever since the beginning we were on and off, back and forth, friends and enemies. At the center of our feuds was a highly volatile attraction between the two of us, which lead to many one week periods where we’d claim we were dating, which were always followed by bitter break ups, which were then followed by being friends again. If you talked to my current girlfriend, who was also the first person I ever went on an actual date with, she could tell you what I was like when I was dumped. I wasn’t pleasant; in fact I was a son of a bitch. I was immature about the whole situation, and I was an angry, vengeful asshole because I had been dumped. I eventually grew out of it, or at least I’d like to think, but not before going through my own Cold War with Dana, with all of our mutual friends involved.

We had finally dated in the traditional sense (it lasted for longer than a week, we went on dates, passed notes, etc.) Sophomore year of High School. This was in 1999, mind you. TRL had just become the big thing, I was harboring a crush for newly crowned Pop princess Britney Spears, and I was still raving about The Phantom Menace. The last couple times we actually attempted to date, it always seemed to be at the beginning of a school year. I don’t know why, maybe the sense of renewal, or maybe the fact we hadn’t seen each other over the summer, but that October we started to date again, right around the time of Homecoming. January of 2000, it ended for the last time, and we were at each other’s throats like anything. The Cold War had begun, and lasted for quite a while. Thus, Mr. Controversy was born: my first column, on Love, was inspired by my upset of her dumping me, and that lead to the regularly featured column that started this very blog.

After the dust had settled, and we had graduated from High School, we sporadically kept in touch. Strangely enough, I wanted to go out with her again. It never happened, but for a brief period of time I really wanted to start seeing her again, and in my traditionally persistent style, I pursued her. As always she had a couple guys she was infatuating over, in her typical style. She’d actually dated one for a little while. Out of the blue though, she told me that she had kissed this girl randomly and actually enjoyed it. Dana, the girl I had known for so many years to be boy crazy, seemed to be thinking things over in her personal life. I joked with her that she’d probably chase after the girl she kissed like she did all those other boys in her life. Sure enough she was dating her a couple months later, and I was kind of shocked. I mean, like I said, she was boy crazy; but I could see she was getting fed up with men, which really wasn’t helped by the fact that she didn’t have the best relationship with her father.

Her relationship with her girlfriend brought happiness to her that I hadn’t seen before. She was content, and she really seemed to like this girl. Yes, I was jealous; but I grew to realize that this was what she wanted and as clichéd as it sounds you wouldn’t want to stand in the way of a true friend’s happiness. It was about that time that she came out to her grandparents, whom she lived with and had taken care of her pretty much her whole life. This lead to a falling out, and her moving out of the house and in with her girlfriend. This was the last any of us had heard of her until the unfortunate news.

Mary, my best friend’s ex-girlfriend, broke the news to me over the phone. She’d heard a rumor that Dana had just died, but she wasn’t sure if it was true or not. I hoped against all hope it was nothing, but I had a feeling that it was more than some rumor flashed into our existence. Surely enough, it wasn’t a rumor. I told Snorb, said best friend/ex of Mary, and we reminisced about the whole damn thing. Never did I know that she was his first kiss; which was a strange coincidence because she was also my first kiss. Here we both knew her for so long, and we never knew that we both kissed the same girl. And now she was dead, taken from us too soon by the heart defect that she was born with. Snorb, Mary, and I were all at the funeral on 7/7/07; which was ironic because it was supposed to be a lucky day. None of us were feeling lucky that we had lost a good friend of ours, without even one last chance to say goodbye.

Dana would have been 25 this October. She was always into music, she was big on crappy teen movies and slasher flicks, and she loved babysitting her cousin. She should have been here, picking on me, being loved by her girlfriend and her family, and she should have been happy. I’m not very religious, but if there is such a thing as Heaven, there would be no reason for her not to be up there. She never did anything that would have qualified her for Hell. She was a good person, a great friend, and she is sorely missed. It is because of her that I have this blog to call my own, because without her Mr. Controversy would have never been born in print format, and for that I am eternally greatful. I miss my friend, and I hope that she's doing well, wherever she may be.

Election 2008: This time...it's personal.

Personally, I find this to be an effective ad. At the very least, it's entertaining without being preachy about its message.

Register to vote!

I trust that readership is registered to vote, wherever they live, but just in case, go register to vote. Even if you just write in my name at the Polls, at least you'll have voted.

(Sidebar: Is it wrong to think about Amy Adams, Laura Linney, and Natalie Portman; all at the same time?)

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Alaskan Gold Part II

QUICK! BEFORE THEY YANK IT OFF OF YOUTUBE! Once again, Deus Ex has the story, I'm just pushing the signal. And as everyone knows, "you can't stop the signal". (Look that quote up...you might like what you find.)

Mr. Controversy's Pull Quote of the Day

My responce to the story,"Beer Goggles ", on Deus Ex Malcontent

"We've all forgotten the true issue of this election: The Obama/McCain matchup is, in fact, a Mace Windu/Palpatine rematch. We've got a corrupt senator facing off against a force for change in the world, and a good change at that. Here's hoping the Jedi win this one. And what of Sarah Palin? She's the Jar Jar Binks of the Republican Party."

A Recovering Republican Sobers Up With Sarah

Watch CBS Videos Online

As you all know, I used to consider myself a Republican. Well, that time has come to an end, and who drove the last nail in the coffin of my conservatism? Rah Rah Sarah Palin! I have officially sobered up and out of the Republican school of thought, and I have Governor Palin to thank for it.

"I’ve been hearing about his speeches since I was in, like, second grade...I'm the new energy, the new face, the new ideas, and he's got experience." This is what Sarah Palin said in an interview with Katie Couric the other night on the CBS Evening News. Watching the follow up interview with Palin and McCain being grilled by Katie Couric was painful. At different moments in this interview, Sarah Palin went from being John McCain's Parrot, to being his ventriloquist dummy, and finally to John McCain with a vagina. KATIE COURIC…the former host of the Today Show…the woman who probably interviewed ELMO on several occasions, tore a hole in the McCain campaign so big, John might have mistaken it for Cindy bending over. (See John, jokes are meant to be funny. "Gotcha journalism...isn't that a pizza place?" isn't funny.)

I love when Katie Couric says people think Sarah Palin is "not ready for Prime Time". Who says SNL has no clout? I think that Katie Couric is another reporter that has stepped up their game for Governor Palin's "trial by fire" in the media. It's not "gotcha journalism", it's "hard hitting journalism". You know, the type of stuff your stooges at Fox News try to come up with when they interview anyone who's different from them. The media hasn't been particularly friendly to the McCain/Palin campaign, and that's partially because they haven't given them much to work with. Any new ideas they have, they steal from the Democrats, or at least their preconceived notions of them.

Many Obama supporters, myself included, believe that John McCain would be a problem President due to his health condition and his age, since he would be the oldest President in the history of the United States, and most likely would die in a second term. This has been looked upon as ageism, and now Ms. Palin is backhandedly making her own play of the ageism card. Though she may deny it, she did so with her remarks, right before she underrated “experience” in politics. New energy and new ideas are apparently a substitution for experience now. This is perfect…we can all vote for Obama now with clear consciences, because he seems to have had quite a lot of energy in his campaign, and a lot of new ideas floating about out there too.

Now, more than ever, the Republican Party is looking desperate. They are so desperate, in fact, that some are calling for Sarah Palin’s resignation from the ticket. Apparently some Conservatives don’t think she’s got what it takes to be a lack of a heartbeat away from being the big cheese in DC. Why ever would they think that? It can’t be her lack of “experience”, that issue is so outdated McCain is still talking about it at his “town hall meetings” (read: talking to himself in the mirror, while he shaves). It most certainly can’t be the way the media has savaged her positions, her personal life, even her kids’ decisions, the way they have and continue to do with the Clinton family. I’m not lending sympathy to the Clintons here, I’m just saying equal treatment is being had in the media, and they’re still being seen as biased.

They need a win really badly, because Bill Clinton is in office right now and he’s really gummed up the works. Wait? George W. Bush was in the White House? For eight years? Someone better tell the Republicans that, because as I’ve stated before, they seem to be running a Post Bill Clinton campaign as opposed to a Post W campaign. They’ve all but abandoned the Commander In Chief and pay him as little mind as possible when it comes to campaigning, but I guess it’s for the best.

Final note, Ms. Palin, you are not a feminist. You are merely a tomboy, a female jaguar who’s strutting about with her package hanging out looking for an opening, a woman who claims to be a feminist but really is talking out of her ass. Feminists don’t want to overturn Roe v. Wade. Feminists don’t think that just because a candidate has a vagina, she’s qualified for the Vice Presidency. Feminists would slap John McCain right in the face if they were sitting next to him, not try to cut out the bottom of his chair to accommodate their head.

You’re against abortions, even if a 15 year old is raped by her father. You want them to “choose life”, and keep the child that’s spawned from a traumatic event. You, ma’am can’t even answer a question with a straight response. You ma’am are unfit to lead, or even be in succession to lead. You’re unfit to even be allowed near the White House, even if it’s in a tour group!

For all of the Republicans out there, I’m going to break this down into “sound bites”:

- George W. Bush is in the White House. Stop running your campaign with the same old tricks you developed in 2000. It worked in 2004, but just barely.
- Sarah Palin isn’t a feminist, she’s a hypocrite. Any woman who doesn’t believe in her right to choose what happens to her body obviously doesn’t care about feminism.
- New energy, new ideas, “no experience” = Obama.
- No experience, conflicting ideals, inane beliefs = Palin.
- When Katie Couric kicks your ass in an interview, you definitely shouldn't be running for office.

Watch CBS Videos Online

Election Day is November 4th. Arm yourself with the truth, America.

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