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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Friday, October 17, 2008

A Recovering Republican Writes to Joe Six Pack

Dear Joe Six Pack,

I’ll dispense with the pleasantries and cut to the throat of the matter…you’re fucking up out election. Before I go any further, let me specify that when I say “Joe Six Pack”, I don’t mean “all Americans without a College Degree”. Yes, I have a Bachelor’s degree, and yes I’m hoping to pursue a Master’s, but I’m not above those who couldn’t afford or didn’t feel like going to college. Both of my parents never went to college, and I still respect and honor them as thinking individuals. (Even if they’re voting McCain.) I don’t hate all McCain supporters. Joe Six Pack, on the other hand, embodies a set of ideals and beliefs that frankly, make me scared he can even vote.

You enjoy your simple minded thinking, and your bumper sticker talking points. You might call yourself a “redneck”. You’re undereducated, and you flaunt it. You think Elizabeth Hasselbeck is a strong moral compass in the world, as well as a hottie, and you think she should just be left to spew forth her beliefs unfettered and unchecked. You enjoy the simple things in life: “beer, tits, and killing Arabs”, which all fall under the McCain/Palin bandwagon. You’d rather shout “Drill Baby, Drill” and “Nobama!” than crack open a newspaper or a web browser and think for yourself. You like to say “Barack Hussein Obama” at the start of rallies, and shout things like “Kill him!” or “Terrorist!” You enjoy crazy old men, and wackjob former beauty queens running for the highest executive office in the nation. You like to label all Muslims terrorists. You do remember that there was an Egyptian terrorist in the group that perpetrated 9/11, right? If you’re going to “never forget” that day, then you better sure as fuck remember EXACTLY what happened, and the EXACT facts involved, because…well, you said you never forgot, and since your memory is so unimpeachable, I expect you to remember every last goddamn detail.

You criticize the Obama campaign for it’s usage of the words “change” and “hope”. You say, “What change?” or “What hope?” Well, if you don’t know what “change” and “hope” mean with the Obama campaign, then frankly you’ve either been happy with the last eight years of policy or you just haven’t been listening. “Change” means we’re aiming for a new direction in America, one that doesn’t embody George W. Bush’s “strategeries” and instead embodies the hope and promise of America. “Hope” is what we all have in this country, if we just let ourselves partake in it. No matter how dire the circumstances, no matter how great the odds, we can always hope for something, and that hope motivates some to do extraordinary things. We hoped to go to the Moon, we hoped to end the Cold War, and we hope that the War on Terror can be fought by other means that wouldn’t put countless American lives at risk. We have the hope, we just need to be vindicated in this hope, instead of demonized and called “unpatriotic”. But all of this, this doesn’t track with you, Joe Six Pack.

Do you know what Hussein means? According to Wikipedia, it “is an Arabic name which is the diminutive of Hasan, meaning "good" or "handsome" or "beautiful". My first and last name technically means, “God King”. Are you going to lash out at me now, because you think I’m better than you? Well, I am. I busted my ass in school, and I pulled for Bush in the last election. (I know I keep mentioning this fact, consider it my “mea culpa”.) I slogged through unfavorable opinions of the President, and tried to defend him because I felt he was an underdog. He wasn’t, he was just a dumbass who people rallied behind because they were afraid (rightfully so) about what was happening in the world, and why people hated America.

Looking at the News media and politics today, I’ve come to a realization…there is no such thing as unvarnished truth or unrestricted access anymore. There will always be cards that no one gets to see, and truth will always be obscured by the lens of observation. Ultimately, you come down on the side you’re more pleased with, the one that speaks to you the most. You’re allowed to switch when you feel like it, I know because I’ve done it myself. I voted for Bush in ’04, I’m voting for Obama in ’08. Want to know why? Because I believe in him, and I believe in “change” and “hope”. Because I don’t mind people superior to me running the country. I don’t want someone I can “have a beer with”, I want someone I can sit on a balcony and have a cigar and a scotch with. Obama is nothing short of Harvey fucking Dent in my eyes. (Not the weird Two Face personality, the public figure who believes in ideals and best serving the people.)

I’m voting for Obama because I do love America. Nowhere else in the world do you have such an expanse of civil liberties, beautiful sceneries, and so many different types of people out there, yourself included. I love going to Disney World, though Universal is alright too. I like roller coasters, and chili dogs, and I think the American flag should be respected. But the respect paid towards the flag is the respect paid to the citizens and lawmakers behind it. If you’re a fuck up, chances are they’re not going to respect that flag, simply because as a politician you’re representing it every time you open your mouth. If Bush remembered that, he wouldn’t have completely undermined his belief in the United States Governmental system by saying that things would be easier as a dictatorship…especially if he was the dictator. Mr. President, you wouldn’t be elected dog catcher after what you’ve done in the White House. Your administration is the cum stain on the wedding dress of history, and we happen to know a VERY good dry cleaner, who will just happen to remove all but minimal traces of what damage you’ve done.

Yes, I’m an elitist. Wait, strike that, FUCK YES I’m an elitist. I want everything to be perfect, or damn near close. I want the best I can get. I want the best shoes, the best hair, the best car, the best legal representation, the best porn, the best food, in short the best life I can have for myself. Is it so wrong to strive for the best? If you want your car fixed, you go to the best mechanic. If you want to learn, you go to the best school. If you want your country to start healing itself after eight years of a self destructive administration that damaged our reputation and our livelihood, inside and outside of our borders, you pick the best candidate. This is why I pick Barack Obama, because I feel he is the best for America, and I want only the best for this country. It’s where I was born and where I’ve grown up. It’s what I grew up believing in, and still believe in to this very day. It’s where I want to raise my children. I’ve fallen in love here, as well as fallen in love with this country. I might not be a solider, or a law maker, or in any position to do anything huge that’ll protect this country, but I do have a vote, and I’m not afraid to use it. In short, you, Joe Six Pack, have not been the same since you raped Ned Beatty in the woods, and I hope come November 4th YOU are the one who’s squealing like a pig.

Fuck you, Joe Six Pack. This is the Age of the Elites.

Michael (“He who is god or like god”) Reyes (“King”), aka Mr. Controversy

P.S. Did you know you’re buddy Joe the Plumber owes back taxes, might not be registered to vote, and doesn’t even have a plumber’s license? Watch your back, we might just take away your beer cans and force you into rehab.

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