by Michael Reyes
Childbirth. It’s a beautiful process that displays the beauty of life and its creation. Unfortunately, it’s also pretty goddamn scary. So scary in fact, that when you should be laughing and crying, you’re cowering in your closet and muttering to yourself, “Pray for daylight, pray for daylight…”. And how better to display the fears of parenthood than through the magically traumatizing lens of cinema! If you ever plan on being a parent, DON’T watch ANY of these movies, or else.
The Astronaut's Wife
Why will it scare the shit out of you?: After Captain Jack bites the dust, the alien inhabits Charlize Theron and fulfills its plans to give birth to twins who act like a computer...a world dominating computer that'll fly a stealth bomber and hypnotize the world or something. It's kind of hard to pay attention to this part without realizing that you'll stay away from your girlfriend's love tunnel for a good month or so, in fear you may knock her up with twins of those aliens from Independence Day."
Dawn of the Dead (2004)
The Plot: Set in the nightmarish aftermath of the Miley Cyrus Vanity Fair photo spread, Dawn of the Dead accurately depicts the trials and tribulations suffered by survivors of a zombie apocalypse. (By “accurately”, it’s meant that the movie follows the original pretty closely, except for replacing zombies with speed freaks.) Forced to hide out in a mall, they do everything from shopping and screwing to blowing people’s heads off with shotguns and snipping a zombified Jay Leno, which is also what passes for the American Dream these days.
Why it will scare the shit out of you: Aww, he has his father's eyes...and his mother's lust for flesh. One of the survivors, a pregnant woman, gets scratched by one of the undead. The characters don’t know it, but we all know that it’s a matter of time before mother has turned into the person your father warned you she would when you married her. Only, instead of just being a garden variety raging bitch, she’ll try to fucking eat you. On the plus side, pro choice advocates have used this film as a platform for legalized abortion, citing the defense, “Well, at least we know the kid won’t grow up to be a zombie.”
Protip: If your baby's lacking a heartbeat, but still kicking...chances are it's a zombie.
Seed Of Chucky:
The Plot: Chucky, everyone’s favorite serial killer/play thing, and his Goth wife Tiffany, have decided they want a baby. But they don’t want just a freak plastic doll baby, they want the real deal. So, they do what any doll in its right mind would do: they kidnap Jennifer Tilly and knock her up. (If you think about that sentence for a little, you’ll truly appreciate just how bad of an idea this is.) A weird assed cameo by John Waters, and a really weird assed final act of the film later, you still don’t want to know the end result because it’s either too hideous or too laughable for you to ever sustain an erection again.
Why it will scare the shit out of you: The movie insinuates that a doll can get a woman pregnant. Would you like it if one of your G.I. Joe’s climbed into bed and dropped one inside your girlfriend? (OK, G.I. Joe would be pretty badassed…what about Cobra Commander? Yeah, I thought so. Now we’re on the same page.) If this movie is any indication, you'll look at your kid's wrist when their born and swear you could see 'Made in China' written on them. A minor plus though, you'll have a great excuse to stop your girlfriend from collecting those fucking dolls of hers again. Especially because, “But honey, Han Solo needs his breathing room”, doesn’t sound sexy or credible at all.
Pictured: Your future stepson, aged 10
The Plot: An ambassador and his wife are expecting a little bundle of joy. Unfortunately, that little bundle of joy experiences an extremely late term abortion, to be replaced with the very spawn of Satan himself. Armed with creepy assed nanny, german shepherd, and of course evil powers, he kills his way to power.
Why it will scare the shit out of you: Hospitals are scary enough, what with staph infections and extremely large medical bills, the last thing anyone needs is to have any suspicion that their baby is going to get axed and replaced with an evil spawn that’ll push you down the stairs with a wink and a smile. This film spawned a trilogy, in which Damien, the demon child, gets to be president and start a war with the Middle East. For the record, George H.W. Bush did see this movie, and yet Little Georgey still lives to this very day, so one could assume that George H.W. Bush is Satan. (Either that, or he just didn’t care anymore at that point.)
How's this for a birth announcement?
The Plot: A struggling actor, doing what he thinks is best for his career, makes a pact with Satan that if he becomes famous, he can make sweet love with his wife and sire a darling little cherub…that’ll bring upon the great end times.
Why it will scare the shit out of you: Yeah, The Omen covered similar ground to this, only instead of pussying out and saying that he was “adopted”, Roman Polanski went the extra mile and implied that the Devil does indeed get some tail. The creepiest part about this is that EVERYONE IS FUCKING IN ON IT! That’s right, just picture your parents, your grandmother, even your best friend, knew Satan double teamed your girlfriend…on his own…and happened to leave a baby in there for you to raise. Talk about serving the sentence without committing the crime. After watching this movie, not only won't you abstain from sex for about a good five years or so, you'll wind up going to church every weekend, thinking it'd protect you from pure evil. Which is wrong, because you'd only be exposing yourself to even more concentrated doses of it.
Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007)
The Plot: Aliens fuck Earth's shit up. Predator's fuck the Alien's shit up, and therefore fuck up Earth's shit by transitive property. Humans try desperately to fuck as much the Alien and Predator shit up as they can. Nuclear explosions and ominous hint at a sequel.
Why it will scare the shit out of you: The PredAlien, God's running joke, is an eerie reminder of why you should be selective in choosing a mate. Genetic science isn't just some overblown chemistry set that consists of your penis and some girl's vagina, so don't just mix shit together and hope for the best. An even scarier example is when the PredAlien lays its eggs in the stomach of a pregnant woman who just HAD to give birth during an apocalyptic showdown between two creatures who haven't been lamer. Move over kid, there ain't enough room in the womb for the seven of us.
You probably shouldn't trust this guy as your wife's prenatal care provider.
The Plot: This film is traditionally labeled as a comedy, but keep in mind the ad wizards that make such decisions also decided that Die Hard would still be cool as a PG13 movie and that Jar Jar Binks was “lovable”. In this tail of modern medicine gone wrong, Arnold Schwarzenegger wants a baby...inside his stomach. This tail of horror and crimes against nature was better than its far less scarier sequel, End of Days, where Satan tries to do Arnie one better. Seeing as both films sucked so much they killed Arnold Schwarzenegger’s career enough to actually sign on for Terminator 3, that’s not exactly a compliment.
Why it will scare the shit out of you: Scarier than the spawn of Satan, creepier than an alien’s plot for world domination, this movie forces you to ask a question you should never have to consider: Could you imagine the kid Arnold Schwarzenegger would give birth to? That’s scarier than any kid Katherine Heigl and Seth Rogen could pop out. Unless you someone who would consider the moment your child is born and screaming, “GOOOOO! GET TO ZE CHOPPAAAA!”, your finest hour. Plus, lie to us as they may, the Hollywood studio system forgot one teensy detail…some poor bastard (probably Danny DeVito) had to sleep with Arnold Schwarzenegger. You think Arnold sounded funny when he talked? Just try and picture his o-face. Danny’s too, if you’re not bleeding from your eyes yet.
"Yeah, you're gonna need all the Limoncello you can get your hands on for what I'm about to do to ya..."
With all of the freaky shit going on in the world, the last thing you want to do is bring a child into the world that'll be half of anything on this list. True, having kids can be cool, especially when you realize that your job is to make them as awesome as you see fit. Just don’t watch any of these movies, don’t expect as much sex as you’d like for nine months, and get your catcher’s mitt ready for the big day.
Michael Reyes is an aspiring writer, when he’s not trying to undermine the laughable “box office draw” of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, and hunting furious masturbators. You can read his bitchings about Movies, Politics, and how horrible your mother was last night at mrcontroversy.blogspot.com