Before we begin, I’d like to welcome my readers back from their holiday breaks. I hope they were as restful and as fulfilling as mine was. Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to get back to business.
Today I add something new to the list of shit I can’t stand…“Light FM Stations”. Now, being from Central Jersey, there’s two BIG perpetrators in this heinous market of airwave programming: 106.7 FM, “The Breeze” as it’s more commonly known; and 94.3, “The Point”. Fitting names considering a “Breeze” is just what will kill you once someone nukes the goddamn station, and a “Point” is what you’ll use to gouge out your eyes when you’ve heard that same goddamn Bryan Adams song for the fifteenth goddamn time this year! Listening to a Bryan Adams song ONCE is enough to make me fucking wretch, fifteen times makes me stabby. If there’s anything more absurd than the music that’s played on these stations, it’s the ridiculous listening gimmicks they’ll stoop to.
For instance, “The Breeze” has proclaimed itself as the “Home of the No Repeat Work Week”. What does that mean? It means that the songs they play won’t be repeated at all within a space of one work week. However, this does not exclude the weekends or any other week. Like it or not, you can ask my best friend Snorb about how almost once a week I’ll text him because that Beach Boys song we both like always plays ONCE A WEEK! (That song is “Sloop John B”.) Sure, the Breeze won’t repeat the same songs in the same work week, or through the weekend, but outside of those confines you’re still hearing the same old sterile, repetitive, and earworm pop songs! I don’t want to hear the same damn songs over and over again! I know that the faithful listeners of the Breeze enjoy the repetition of the songs they were once young and free to dance to, but c’mon! If you’re going to limit your airplay to songs between the 60’s and the 90’s, there’s plenty of material to work with. Worse than the Breeze’s “60’s through 90’s Blinders” playlist is The Point’s “80’s through 90’s Aviator Sunglasses” playlist. That’s right, the 60’s and the 70’s have been taken right the fuck out, and left in are all the songs of the 80’s and 90’s that you either know all the words to through osmosis, or didn’t really care for while your parents had them on 45 RPM and converted them to mix tapes once the media took off!
Not to mention, that whole song repetition ruins any emotional meaning of the song you’re listening to. You don’t need to keep playing Faith Hill’s particular brand of mush every goddamn week, it slowly turns into the ramblings of some Hick Chick who realizes she done married the tallest stud in the county! It’s ANNOYING! What’s more, do you know how fucking sad the song “Daniel” is? I love Elton John music, but when I hear the story of a long missed friend/lover being spotted in the clouds EVERY SINGLE WEEK I start to hope that Daniel moved on with some other hot piece of ass or just plain up and died. It’s not tragic anymore, it’s annoying. It’s like reciting Romeo and Juliet everyday for twenty years, you like it at first and wish the ending was different, but by time year Fifteen comes you’re just wishing Romeo would wise up and think about how Juliet is a smart enough woman to fake her own death for him. When this fails to happen, you just find yourself muttering “Drink up, you dumb fuck” when he finally bites the big one.
Perhaps the worst part of stations like this are the DJ’s and Morning Show hosts. You know the ones I’m talking about, the ones who always sound like sunshine is just pouring out of their asses. These people are just like the perky, highly caffeinated, “Gee Golly Gosh, Ain’t Our Boss the Swellest?” mouthbreathers you have to deal with ON A DAILY BASIS within the bowels of your own personal hell, aka “The Workplace”! What makes them think you want to fucking hear them ON THE WEEKEND, IN YOUR CAR, AND IN YOUR OFFICE! In the specific case of “The Point”, they own the insufferable duo of “Lew and Liz in the Morning”, whose highlights are played in commercial form in the evening. You know, so their slavish fanbase doesn’t hurt themselves, thinking that their beloved twosome of talk radio hasn’t left them alone in the world with no one to tell them what to think. After all, they have the auditory equivalent of the lack of object permanence newborn infants have. If Lew and Liz aren’t right in front of them, bantering in a form of torture previously only known to Gitmo detainees, then they tend to be upset that “their voice” has been silenced. Even at this moment, as I write this piece, a man who obviously belongs to the B-Team of “The Breeze’s Finest DJ’s” hacked his way through introducing Paul McCartney’s “Jet”. “Let’s pack up, let’s get on that jet and fly away”, he said as I sat here, dumbfounded that this man knew how to toggle on and off the “Talk” button of the mic. Wow…you hop on that flight, buddy boy! I’ll sit here and watch you Buddy Holly the profession of the disc jockey.
These two stations are also two of the easiest to pick up on your radio while driving through Jersey, and I highly maintain the opinion that they are two reasons why everyone jokes about Jersey! If you were forced to listen to Billy Joel, Elton John, and Terrance Trent Darby multiple times in one week, you'd probably never come back...no matter how much you liked those songs before. Light FM radio needs to die, because if I really wanted to listen to elevator music, I’d hole up in an elevator in my spare time and sing along. Until then, there's always one of my favorite stations in my Jersey existence...105.7 - The Hawk. Why? Because they have "Nights with Alice Cooper", and nothing is more awesome than Alice Cooper spinning the platters and telling you stories and jokes about the good old days. I dare you to try and prove me wrong!
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