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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Comeback is STILL a Subjective Term


Dear Britney Spears,

Congratulations! In your 27 years of life on this Earth, your life truly has been a “Circus”. (See what I did there? While I intend to tear you a new one, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t utilize my skills in marketing synergy, taught to me by my mentor/former Vice Presidential nominee Jack Donaghy.) Particularly in the last nine years, you’ve gone from Pop Princess to Sex Kitten, and then leapt straight through to Washed Up Celeb and World Weary Fag Hag in one fell swoop. You’ve out madonnaed Madonna, by going through the phases of her career in only these said nine years.

What do I mean by that? Allow me to explain. You started out as the “Pop Princess”, the unassuming girl who didn’t quite find her “sexy face” as some would put it. Sure, you had videos steaming with double entendre and suggestive dance moves, but you didn’t acknowledge the undertones outwardly. At least, not on the first two albums. By time “Britney” rolled around, you went to full blown harlot, sweating and shimmying into the bedrooms of these men’s heads. It was indeed a new day, and a new Britney…one that would seduce men, while knocking their heads into the wall after getting a little too excited.

It wasn’t until your second marriage (yes, your 55 hour quickie still counts) that you went to the “Washed Up” stage. You stopped making music, and started making babies; just like the big M did. But, in a particularly brilliant move on your part you rolled the “making babies” phase with the “marrying an unbearable prick who may or may not have more talent than you” phase. Only, instead of the unbearable prick having more talent than you, it turned out he had even LESS talent than you. (Funny story: A local Kmart store near me still has the ONLY copy of KFed’s album, “Playing with Fire”, it ever received…from its initial release back in 2006.) After divorce, you went “a little” crazy, lost “a little” hair, and dropped “a little” in the public spotlight; which wasn’t helped by the fact that your album “Blackout” sucked “a little”. (Read: all of those mentions of “a little” should read, “a lot”.)

Which leads us to now…here you are, ship shaped and ready to…OH! I almost forgot…The VMA’s. You know, where you performed “Gimme More” and made even 50 Cent roll his eyes? Yeah, that’s not easy…after all we’re talking about the man who made the movie “Get Rich or Die Tryin’” and expected people not only to make it a hit, but also to take it seriously. Strangely enough, even his expectations are not funnier than your “sexy dance”. You made the room feel as awkward as a room of lusty teenagers at a Christian High prom night…they want to leave so they can do something much more interesting, but they know that if they do they’ll get yelled at. In fact, I think…yes, I have a real time review lying around here from my old blog “Mike’s Monologues”. (For those of you interested, here’s part of the entry, from September 10th, 2007; entitled “Comeback is a Subjective Term”.)

“That is not what we got on the night of Sunday September 9th (or the morning of Monday September 10th if you were smart and just watched it online). No, from Britney Spears we got the Entertainment equivalent of a flaming bag of dog shit on our porch. Tonight, my friends, we shall stomp on that bag with our thick rubber boots, and scrap the remains on the grass. Now, for those of you who'd like to play along at home, load the following web link on you computer:

http://www.mtv.com/overdrive/?id=1568788&vid=173440

Watch it once if you'd like, just to drink in the absurdity, and then watch again with the following commentary, properly time coded against the video's clock... Enjoy!

00:01 – The nightmare begins, not hoping for much here.
00:05 – She rears her head. Fear already starts to take control.
00:07 – 00:12: “If you're looking for trouble...just look at my face.” Fuck...talk about truth in advertising. That pretty much sums up the tabloids for the last couple years there, Brit.
00:14 – 00:15: “It's Britney, bitch.” Goddamn, talk about setting the bar low. I'm expecting nothing, and so far I'm being paid off in spades!
00:17 – The audience applauds...probably because it doesn't know what it's getting itself into. Dancers are coming to the rescue...kind of like a SWAT team after the first twelve hostages are already capped.
00:30 – I didn't know you could lip sync a laugh...Jesus Christ, we're doomed.
00:32 – Rhianna realizes she is officially not going to be the most annoying performance of the evening with that goddamn “Umbrella” song.
00:39 – Britney begins to experiment with lesbianism, again...the crowd doesn't buy it, again.
00:49 – Ok, that “woman” that helps Brit up onto the podium looks like a Cher impersonator...a MALE Cher impersonator.
01:11 – The dancing silhouettes in the background...totally look like a riff on Jailhouse Rock. And people wonder why Elvis shot his televisions out with a .45. It's because of shit like this and those Viva Viagra commercials.
01:15 – Britney looks like she has to go really bad. Still doesn't explain the shitty “dancing” that consists of her walking and reaching down provocatively. You're Britney Spears, not Jessica Simpson! Motor skills were your thing back in the day! I guess Kevin did fuck her brains out.
01:29 – Britney does her Larry Craig impression. See guys, this is what happens when you're polite to Britney Spears...she gives you syphilis.
01:38 – When P. Diddy thinks your performance is lacking, you KNOW you have fucking problems.
02:00 – No wonder they keep zooming out for wide shots, even MTV is embarrassed this shit is being shown on their network. And they run fucking Jackass!
02:03 – More syphilis for EVERYONE!
02:17 – After “caressing” our diva, a male backup dancer is probably thinking, “I need a shower!”
02:35 – This is starting to look less like a Britney Spears performance and more like a “Britney's Jazzercise 4 Momz” video.
02:39 – Britney does the whole “squatting while opening and closing her legs” thing, or as I like to call it, “the baby cannon”. Yeah...I wouldn't be surprised if that were true.
02:49 – The silhouette thing is starting to look like a really cool James Bond title sequence gone horribly, and I mean HORRIBLY wrong.
02:53 – 50 Cent is not pleased! You can see it in the gap between his teeth, he's thinking, “Daaaamn, most of my videos aren't this retarded. And I let Beyonce cover one of my songs.”
03:05 – 03:07: “Danger, danger, danger” Wow, this borders on the stupid and the obvious. And once more, Rhianna looks pleased that when she sings “Eh..eh..eh...” no one will bat an eye after enduring “Gimme More”.
03:10 – 03:15: You have now seen some of the stupidest dancing this side of a political fundraiser.
03:16: THIS FUCKING SONG ISN'T OVER YET?! IT'S LIKE THE RETURN OF THE KING OF SHIT!
03:24: “I just want more”. You know what they say...“less is more”.

To paraphrase another idol of mine, The Brain Gremlin from Gremlins 2: The New Batch, I know that wasn’t nice of me. Fun, but in no sense nice or polite of me to make fun of you like that. The truth is, you’re a freaking mess. Sure you dropped all the weight, and went back to somehow parenting your kids, which is good news on both counts; but the one thing you need to do is the very thing that made us pay attention to you in the first place…entertain us. Bring back the entertaining and catchy Britney Spears we all knew, and in some cases wanted to passionately date before mating with. Cut some songs that remind us of a simpler time, when Presidents weren’t idiots and entertainment wasn’t so lowest common denominator. That type of stuff is coming back into style you know!

In all seriousness, you look great, and I hope that you feel great and do what’s best for your kids. You’ve been able to wow ‘em in the past and here’s hoping you can rekindle that magic somehow. Don’t turn into poor Amy Winehouse, PLEASE!

Happy 27th birthday, Mr. C

P.S. “Womanizer”…really? This is the single you expect to come back with? I’m sorry, please try again. Whether you like it or not, “comeback” is STILL a subjective term and I don’t hear people yelling “come back” just yet.

1 comment:

dsbs42 said...

Zoolander Too is awesome squared.