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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also a film journalist/critic for Cocktails & Movies and CinemaBlend, as well as the author of several short stories such as "The Devil v. George W. Bush". Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: mikereyeswrites@gmail.com

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Thursday, December 4, 2008

Horrendous Pictures 2012 Movie Preview

First off, I'd like to thank you all for reading this blog of mine. It's much appreciated that here we are at 200 posts, and I still have an audience. Here's to 200 posts of dissent, whimsy, and dire political matters. It is on this 200th post that I present you all with my gift to the world, and it is thanks to the almighty Pajiba, and its disiples. As some of you might know, I have gotten into the habit of pitching films. Films that are a mockery of the current Hollywood system, films that play into the trends of today, films that I could probably get produced by Asylum Entertainment.

Alas, the phone grows more dormant by the second; and the only emails I get are newsletters and personal correspondence. So, instead of going all the way to the mountain, I've decided to create my own mountain. It is with this bold spirit of curiousity that I have decided I’m opening up my own production studio. A studio that’ll make, market, and sell the motion pictures I’ve been coming up with. A studio that will live up to its name...I give you Horrendous Pictures!

Our mission statement: Thanks to Hollywood's rampant greed, and its tendency to lower the expectations of the modern moviegoer, we must capitalize on the increasingly less discerning moviegoer. The time has come, and the world is clearly ready for…Horrendous Pictures! Our studio will specialize in mash-ups and unique interpretations 0f “bad” concepts. We will focus on the following markets:

- Teeny Boppers
- Blatant Prestige Pictures
- Remakes
- Board Game/Theme Park/Video Game movies
- Chick Lit Adaptations

Yes, this is pandering, but it's pandering to the highest degree of the lowest common denominator. Also, it reminds us why we're all in the business...MONEY, and boy, are we gonna make truckloads of it with these ideas! The New Hollywood Order starts now, and it’ll all start here at Horrendous Pictures “We put the ‘bust’ in “blockbuster’!”

Business Model: Using the Leopold Bloom method, we’re going to raise a bunch of startup capital for this studio from various movers and shakers in Hollywood, then produce our products that are of “desired levels of quality”. However, in our own improvement to the Leopold Bloom method, our first slate of pictures will be released in 2012, when the world is allegedly supposed to end. That way, if we fail in this undertaking and the public catches on, then we’ll all be gone anyway! No one will be the wiser! However, should the world survive the giant tidal waves that’ll wipe out the Himalayas, and Keanu Reeves’ newly discovered psychic mind thingy powers, then we will be able to keep producing…horrendous pictures. Our slate for 2012 is as follows:

- Winter Dump Picture: “Zoolander Too” – Scheduled for a January/February 2012 release (see previous press release, “Killing Two Birds With One Oversized Budget””)

- Summer Event Picture: “Monopoly” – Scheduled for a July 4th Weekend 2012 release (see previous press release, “What the Monopoly movie SHOULD be...”)

- Summer Dump Picture: “Code Name: Drain Snake” – Scheduled for an August 2012 release

As the war in Iraq rages on, and ineffectual politicians promise “change” and “hope”, one man fights the good fight here at home…Samuel Wurtzelbacher, aka Joe the Plumber (himself). Armed with his plunger, a .45, and his bad assed physique, he’s gonna show the world that his colors don’t run.

When terrorists seize Washington D.C. as predicted by Sean Hannity (himself), Sean then starts “The Conservative Underground”. Armed to the teeth with faulty intel, their own staunchly conservative beliefs, and folksy downhome wisdom, they activate their best operative. Joe the Plumber, aka “Drain Snake”, sets off to Washington with his fellow gun toting, kick assed Republican sidekick…Sarah Palin (herself).

Together, they storm a capital overrun by terrorists and gays in an effort to rescue Senator John McCain (himself, courtesy of the Jim Henson Creature Shop) from brainwashed Hollywood celebrities, minorities, and other undesirables. Culminating in a showdown with President Barack Obama (Denzel Washington) at the top of the Washington Monument, Drain Snake is gonna share the wealth…OF PAIN!

(Please Note: Since the Obama Victory, we’ve been debating whether to dump this picture DTV or if we should just release it to “limited markets” comprised of Red States. This will be a point of order at the next staff meeting. Also, if reshoots are to be done in order to change the picture’s admittedly unrealistic ending, we’re going to need to give the Henson Creature Shop at least five weeks worth of prep time. The arms on the McCain animatronic aren’t working properly.)

- Fall Prestige Picture: “Cabin Passion” – Scheduled for a November 2012 release

Salvador Dali (Cedric Diggory) has a secret. The famed artist is unable to walk in the sunlight, simply because if he does, he'll go all warpy like his clock. So, confined to his cabin in the woods, and driven by madness, he sends for a stenographer...a young, rebellious woman with a sassy, punk rock lifestyle (Kristen Stewart) who truly understands his...abstract view on life. By day, he dictates his memoirs to her; by night, they sit by the fire and chat about life in general. But in that Twilight (Brand synergy folks, it worked for "Passage to Marseille".) Hour, they do it melty clock style™. That's right folks, she can't walk in the moonlight because she goes all "melty clock™" too.

Unable to go outside both during the day and at night, they are confined to the cabin together. And the only thing that can cure their cabin fever is each other's souls. Coming November 2012, the prestige picture/teeny bopper shit stain hybrid "Cabin Passion".

(Note: This film will eventually be re-named “Firelight”, and “Cabin Passion” will be the name in which we ship the film to the theatres under. You know, to ward off the rabid fans.)

Conclusion: We here at Horrendous Pictures are dedicated to a certain standard of motion picture…and that quality is “piss poor at best!” It’s a simple deal folks, we just want your money, the only difference is we’re up front about it and at the very least you can laugh at our bad movies. We’re not trying to reinvent the wheel, but if we could get a reimagining of “Plan 9 From Outer Space”, then we’d be in good shape! Hey, that’ll be the perfect Prestige Picture for 2013, and it’ll compliment our Summer Event Picture for that same year. Get ready for live action Family Guy movie starring Rush Limbaugh as Peter Griffin! To the future, my dear friends; and all of its Horrendous possibilities!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

How can something grow "more" dormant? I think I've lost all faith in you after reading that line. Also, I have a history of paying attention to minor details in other people's blog entries merely for my own amusement.