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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also a film journalist/critic for Cocktails & Movies and CinemaBlend, as well as the author of several short stories such as "The Devil v. George W. Bush". Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: mikereyeswrites@gmail.com

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Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Killing Two Birds With One Oversized Budget

As we enter a Recession that'll probably cost us all a little bit of happiness in the world, those marvels at the Dream Factory known as Hollywood have done it again! Word on the street is there's a proposal out for not only a Zoolander 2, but also a Speed 3. You rememeber those movies, right? Didn't you feel like you were cheated out of these proposed sequels so many years ago when the lights came up and you thought to yourself, "Gee whize, what'll they think of next?" Well, you lucky lucky kids will now get your wish, and I'd like to think I could help them make this happen. Below is a summary for my Zoolander/Speed sequel hybrid, first submitted to the fine folks at Pajiba:

Five years from now...terror is increasing its grip on our Government, and all thanks to the nefariously evil Mugatu (Will Ferrell) and his like of designer gloves that kill you unless you move your hands at a certain speed. The world is in peril, after these gloves are "tested" by Mugatu at the Milan Fashion Show, causing the deaths of many conveniently cameoed celebrities. (Among them, David Bowie, Billy Zane, and Paris Hilton. Really, what are they doing with their careers anyway?)

Mugatu has planned the gloves for a Christmas release, along with a new plus sized model...Senior Amore (John C. Reilly). Senior Amore is a double agent for Spanish intelligence who's so undercover he's working for the bad guys. (This inner turmoil makes all the ladies look past his beer gut, which will be prominently featured for laughs, and stare into his soul, thus attracting them to him like flies to shit.)

There's only one man...NO, TWO men who can stop this menace. Derek (Ben Stiller) and Hansel (Owen Wilson). The only problem is...the Government will have to find them. Derek has since retired to run the "The Derek Zoolander Institute for Kids Who Can't Read Good and Want to do Other Stuff Too", and Hansel has become a Scientologist who's gone on to spread the gospel amongst the world. Somehow though, they are called back into action and they'll be reintroduced to the way things are done int he Fashion World...really gayly and with minimal thought.

Together with their own plus sized model companions Sven and Bjorn (Jack Black and Jonah Hill), they'll form their own A-Team and take down Mugatu for good...but only if they can master their new "group look": "Attack Force Delta". A look so powerful, so piercing, that it has to be attempted with four men.

Note to any Studio Execs' assistants who read this: Zoolander Too (get it?!) will be THE blockbuster hit of the January to March timeframe of 2012. I would suggest fast tracking this idea, as well as pushing for a major promotional campaign on VH1, MTV, and any other culurally relevant means.

Note to any Studio Execs, with a grasp of basic math, who read this:
(Bourne Identity + Zoolander 1)/Epic,Date,Disaster Movie and Meet The Spartans = Zoolander Too!

Note to any Studio Execs, without a grasp of basic math, who read this:
Movie GOOD! Money GOOD! Give money to Mike R.! You make money! Money!
Preliminary Box Office Breakouts:
(Domestic) $25-50 million opening weekend in February, with a $10-15 million second and third weekend.
(International) $30-40 million openings starting in March, with $15-20 million second and third weekends.
Seriously Hollywood, you expect us to buy these crocks of shit?! You made us wait 16 years for shitty Star Wars prequels, you made us wait countless years for a really good Batman movie franchise, and you continue to put people like Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl in your movies, and expect us to believe they're LIKABLE! Unless there's a pit of fire, and some immolation action going on, I will NOT subject myself to a Katherine Heigl "romantic comedy" voluntarily. My girlfriend will have to drag me, like she did to 27 Dresses! BRING IT HOLLYWOOD, I'll massacre you!
That having been said, where's that Super Mario Bros. sequel we were promised?

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