Dear Mr. Samberg,
It has come to my attention that you fancy yourself as a "comedian". I have come to rob you that assumption, for you are nothing nearing the stature or the praxis of a "comedian". For years now SNL has been on a decline, and much like our nation's economical decline, no one has had the knowledge or the courage to acknowledge it. They have lived in silence of these facts that menace our lives, because they are afraid of corrupting traditions that have lasted for several decades. But I say if we can get rid of MadTV after 14 years of tyranical stupidity, then we can sure as hell sink the S.S. SNL if you continue to ride upon its bow like a girlish waif.
Seriously man, between you and the sub par writing, SNL has sunk to levels unthought of after the infamous 1980's cast. We thought we were safe, we thought safeguards were in place, we even had a "Mission Accomplished" banner up in Studio 8H after Jimmy Fallon got canned. Then you came along, with your "Digital Shorts" full of shit, thinking you'd make a name for yourself. Somehow you did, and now we have to suffer through your shitty shitness all the live long day. Fred Armisen is funnier than you, and I honestly don't laugh at him too much. (Except for his Liberace during "Vincent Price's Halloween Special". That was priceless. Also, I enjoyed him in EuroTrip and Anchorman. Come to think of it, maybe the writers just don't know how to write for Fred Armisen, because he actually is funny.)
Real "comedians" make people laugh...you do not. "Lazy Sunday"? Rap has never been less entertaining, and keep in mind I've summered with Suge Knight and Flava Flav, and they both were quite entertaining. [Which reminds me: Flav, you gotta watch your hook shot. Keep practicing, and you'll be able to peg Diddy with a golf ball like a champ in no time.] "Space Olympics"? Are you trying to get us to see "Space Chimps"? (Yeah, you're not getting away easily with that travesty.) "Punching People In The Face Before Eating"? I wanted to punch you in the face before you cracked the bloody joke. Finally, "Dick In A Box"? Sounds like a movie about you sitting in your dressing room...either that, or a documentary about how you were fired from SNL faster than Jimmy Fallon on crack and went to working in a cube farm, like you deserve. I have your number, Samberg. Shape up, and ship out!
P.S. Say hi to your mother for me...because that's the only thing you've ever said that made me laugh, and even then I was laughing because I was pretending it was Mark Wahlberg saying it. And whadda ya know, he did that bit the week after and made me forget you ever laid your hands on it. Bill Hader should kick your ass, seeing as he's one of the only funny regular cast members. (The other two being Kristen Wiig and Fred Armisen.)
P.P.S. Stop smirking in your photos...you haven't earned it yet.