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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also a film journalist/critic for Cocktails & Movies and CinemaBlend, as well as the author of several short stories such as "The Devil v. George W. Bush". Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: mikereyeswrites@gmail.com

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Monday, December 22, 2008

A Letter to Jennifer Aniston, or "Another Unsolicited Opinion"

Dear Jennifer Aniston,

Hi. We aren’t familiar with each other, but I have seen some of your work, and I’m here with a message for you: stop the preteen bullshit, and get the fuck over Brad Pitt. Ok, you got dumped…it sucks, it really does. Plus, to add insult to injury, you got dumped for Angelina Jolie, an insanely hot woman. That’s not to say you aren’t an attractive woman, but I’m sorry to say today’s youth isn’t exactly picturing you as “cannon fodder”. Angelina Jolie is not only hot, but she’s also been in many an action picture and fulfilled many a geek’s fantasies. (“Tomb Raider”, anyone?)

What have you done? You’ve done safe Rom-Coms (“Picture Perfect” and the upcoming “He’s Just Not That Into You”) or middle of the road event pictures (Bruce Almighty”, and the upcoming atrocity “Marley and Me”). What has Angelina Jolie done? She’s done everything from crappy Oscar Bait (“A Mighty Heart” and “Changeling”), to dumb fun action pictures (“Gone in 60 Seconds” and “Wanted”), to even movies you never thought she’d be a part of (“Shark Tale” and “Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow”). There’s a big difference between your films and her films, just as there’s a big difference between her public persona and yours.

Angie is trying to make herself look like a modern day Mother Theresa, whereas you’re looking like a modern day “scorned ex”. Not to mention you’re dating John Mayer, the pussiest of all pussies (with the exception of his column praising Don Rickles…because he’s Don Fucking Rickles). To put it into stereotypical woman’s terms, you went from 5th Avenue to the Bargain Basement when it comes to the male company you keep. Naturally, people aren’t going to think much of you because you’re making bad choices. So here is a list of suggestions on how to better build your public image.

1. Dump John Mayer, or at the very least decrease his public visability. We’re tired of him, he can take his ball and go home. Besides, you outshine him anyway.

2. Pick up some decent scripts. Hollywood loved you when you did “The Good Girl”. Hell, I might even rent it because I heard it’s good. These are the types of movies you should be doing.

3. Distance yourself from your “Friends” image. Rachel is dead…long live Jennifer Aniston. Play a serial killer, a stalker, maybe a stalking serial killer. And if you really need to…cast Angelina Jolie as one of your victims/the target of your intentions. It might be therapeutic to cast a rival as an antagonist to your protagonist…just ask Orson Welles.

4.Lose the whine. Seriously, when you do that whiney thing with your voice…it’s a complete banana buzzkill. That's one of the reasons I'm not seeing Marley and Me. Your whine, combined with Owen Wilson's whine, makes for one movie I just can't listen to. Take voice lessons, dub your lines over in ADR, I don’t care how you have to do it, just tone it down a notch.

5. Do another South Park guest spot. You were HYSTERICAL in the last one. Better yet, return to 30 Rock every once and a while. You were pretty funny there too.

In the future, I’d like you to think of me as your unofficial publicist. If you have a really shitty script you’re thinking of doing to make the mortgage payment, call me! I’ll set you up with a Merchant Ivory or an indie picture faster than you can say “There Will Be Juno”™ (I’ve copyrighted that title, so don’t even think of stealing it for Plan B productions). You are an attractive woman…it’s just that all this PR nonsense is clogging up your career. Move on, and just keep moving. Once this is all behind you, I think you’ll find your career will open up like a flower in bloom.


Mr. C

P.S. Angie...call me back. I know it’s been a little while since we’ve played “Tomb Raider”, and I assure you all of my scars have healed. (My face even looks like it used to.) Then there was the time you accidentally adopted me, which was fun for a while but I really needed to get home. (By the way, how's "Truthiness", my pet tiger doing?) I’d like for us to be friends. Also, can Brad come out for lunch next Tuesday? George and I were wondering how he’s been handling his Benji Button phase of his career.

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