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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Mamma Mia Cliffs Notes

(Spoiler-rama, kiddies. Avoid if you like pain.)

- Blonde girl from Mean Girls doesn't know who her baby daddy is. She invites the three possible sperm donors to her wedding (which was impulsively proposed by her "boy") and a jet liner showers the title card with sparkley diamonds. Mamma Mia!

- Mommy's broke, the Inn needs fix'in, and she doesn't know who the father is either. On top of that, her cock crazy best friends show up for the wedding too. Mamma Mia!

- Daddy 1 is James Bond, Daddy 2 is Bootstrap Bill Turner, Daddy 3 is Colin Firth. Mommy is Sister Aloysius, Friend 1 is Mrs. Weasley, and Friend 2 is the Whore of Whoville. I wonder who ends up with who?! Mamma Mia!

- Songs are sung, my ears are bleeding, and by the end we find out that James Bond and Sister Aloysius are in lurve; Bootstrap Bill is being stalked by Mrs. Weasley, Colin Firth is a surprise gay and The Whore of Whoville rebuffs the advances of the young bartender whose behavior does not suggest he's straight in the least. (I smell a sequel...which probably identifies that odor coming from Christine Baranski's hoo-ha during the entire length of the picture.) Mamma Mi---*sound of profuse wretching*

- A bachelorette party is thrown, and it feels more like a cosmetic commercial than a musical number.

- Ms. Whoville engages in a musical number that looks like a feminine razor commercial.

- James Bond and Mommy Nun sing the only song in the film that I actually like in the film.

- Mommy and Blondie sing a song during a montage that illustrates their mother/daughter bond. I really can't slam this moment, it's actually kinda cute.

- Blondie and Dakin From The History Boys don't get married, Bond and the Nun do; everyone dances in soap as if it were a rave. Oh, and did I mention THEY NEVER TELL YOU WHO THE FUCKING FATHER IS?! Mamma Mia, the lost M. Night Shymalan masterpiece!

- The movie goes surprise gay itself and has everyone in tight fitting, ugly colored disco jumpsuits. Yes, even the men. Mamma...FUCKING...Mia, Assholes!

- Clovey, the Cloverfield Monster comes and eats them all; whilst I ride on top of its triumphant head and whoop and holler like Slim Pickens riding the A-Bomb.
- I wake up, pop The Dark Knight into the DVD player, and calm my jangled nerves.

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