- Mike Reyes
- Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: firstname.lastname@example.org
The Mr. Controversy Fan Club
Monday, June 30, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Part III of "A Buyer's Guide to Music" will be on its way shortly, but first I wanted to talk about something that really pissed me off today. Before I do though, I'd like to make a couple things clear...
- Yes, gas prices are teh suck.
- Yes, I do enjoy television.
- No, I do not hate all kids.
That having been said, this morning the bastion of cable news sensationalism decided to run a warm and fuzzy human interest story. That's right, Fox News is at it again.
It looks like we're being forced to endure yet another case of someone's kids doing something so precoious, so goddamned fucking precious, that the world has to see it otherwise it won't be as cute as it would have been just being seen by mommy, daddy, and the backwater hick town they belong to. Nope, the home of the Mormons, Salt Lake City, Utah; has produced yet another reason NOT to move to this god foresaken wasteland of humanity and entertainment: the kids are protesting gas prices.
Now, a good protest every now and then is fine and dandy. It's nice to see kids being motivated into doing something that should be for the betterment of humanity. But this is where little Sadie and Pyper (Pyper...with a Y? You're shitting me! Fucking trendy parents.) Vance got it wrong. Their big gripe is that their parents cancelled their cable television service. That's right, these little tikes (actually...tykes. Gotta use that Y, or else they aren't special!) are upset because Mommy has effectively barred them from Drake and Josh, Hannah Montana, The Jonas Brothers, and The Naked Brothers Band, in order to fill her tank with gasoline. Even more annoying, their signs have those misspellings that are seen as cute with children of a certain age, but look like a bleak sign of illiteracy in anyone over the age of five. Sadie's 9, Pyper is 7; so guess what? It looks like mommy and daddy should move to an actual state where the school system doesn't teach them that the Dinosaurs and Gays were all killed by God with a huge prehistoric meteor, but instead teaches them how to fucking read and write PROPERLY! (Extra LOL: The kids were said to have used campaign signs to make their little makeshift messages. How much do you want to bet they were McCain or Clinton signs they used?)
For fucking shame, these children are so deprived in this iPod, YouTube, "Vox Populi with their heads up their asses" society because THEY CAN'T WATCH CABLE! Whoop-dee-fucking-doo! I know EXACTLY what was going through those Fox News "reporters" minds when this happened..."Aww, how sweet is this? These kids are protesting the high gas prices everyone else hates, and can't do anything about. Maybe if we show a good closeup of these precious gems marching with their misspelt signs, we can get adults off their asses to do the same...or at the very least warm peoples hearts instead of freezing and removing them anytime Karl Rove shows his ugly assed face."Fox and Friends ran the story because, like every other morning "news" program, they're not interested in real news. They want the fluff pieces, they want the charming facts, they want the interview that makes M. Night Shymalan NOT look like a douchebag of epic proportions. They want to make you feel GOOOOOD. And how better to do that than to march these mutants on television and make them semifamous. Also, where were these kids when the big price hike started last summer, and the months before that? It's not like gas prices just all of a sudden jumped these past few months, this has been an almost two year pain in the ass we've all been dealing with, and now when the shit hits the fan and their parents cancel their cable TV, NOW they start to bitch about gas prices?
I think Mr. and Mrs. Vance should have sat their kids down, instead of put them on television. They should have looked them square in the face and said, "Look kids, you're part of a generation made up of mostly vapid dumbasses. It is the fault of us parents that you have turned out this way, because we grew up/"matured" in the 80's, the "Me" decade. We demanded so much of society and got so much from society, that we decided somewhere along the line that you should have that too. The only problem is instead of you fucking it up with drugs and sex, you've done it with the media and the internet. As a result, you've all become quite the enfranchised, entitled little shits, and we're going to put an end to it. We cancelled the cable, because we need to gas up. You can't go anywhere or do anything with out gas, and frankly you should be getting your fucking asses out into the real world anyway. Play with friends, read a book, swim in a lake for fucks sake. Christ, take an interest in the world around you before you're labeled as a gluttonous shitbag and take advantage of by the truly manipulative and intelligent people of your generation who'll surely hold office when you become of age. Think for yourself, we're not here to raise fucking sheep." That's just me though, and if I were saying that to my kids I wouldn't have swore as much, or made them sound like quite the Satan spawn.
Still, at least the biggest irony is that Fox News is on cable...so if mommy and daddy want to watch their little shits on the news, sitting comfortably in their laps as Fox and Friends exploits their little wholesome (but still childishly selfish) ways, they'd have to get someone else to tape it because they don't have cable. Mr. and Mrs. Vance, do yourselves a favor...keep your goddamn children off the television, and take them to see Wall-E, maybe the films message will strike a little humility into their (and your) PR minded skulls.
I'm Mr. Controversy, Satelite Dish FTW!
Example: Frank Sinatra, Nothing But The Best
While it is VERY true that there is no shortage of Sinatra albums out there, the man has so much material that there is no such thing as the "definitive" single disc. With a career that spanned about fifty years, give or take a few, and so many hits that it makes the end of The Godfather look like Wall-E, you can infinitely repackage them into different compilations and yet not have too many complaints. A typical 20 song playlist holds a vast amount of combinations to display the work of his career, and you have enough choices that you can even put out a couple theme albums. (He has two love song compilations out there, which is more than most artists. Usually they stop at one and call it a night.) There's plenty of greatest hits and best of compilations for The Chairman, and there'll be plenty more because the mathematics are on his side.
When it gets ugly...: Ok, so not everyone that's hit the ten year plus mark in music deserves a "best of" Cd. In fact when your career revolves, for the most part, on a handful of hits, you really shouldn't be shitting on the goodwill of your fans by putting out ANOTHER compilation disc that includes the majority of the songs from the last compilation disc. If you haven't put in at least 20 years, or ten albums, worth of material out there, then frankly you should have been more careful with the greatest hits album. Fuck you, go home.
Fucking go see Wall-E this weekend. Wanted can wait. Don't argue with me on this, goddamnit, gas is high and Wall-E deserves to be a hit. Just do it.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
P.P.S. To anyone who thought this was merely a post to suck up...fuck you. It's to suck up AND to plug Deus Ex Malcontent, in hopes of rocketing myself to some degree of Net Notoriety. Get it right!
This isn't to sound bitter or anything, tons of better concepts have been greenlit and plus some times the material in question isn't up to the editorial standards of the people you're submitting to. There's numerous submissions and not all of them will make it, or even be commented on, which is pretty much what anyone sensible would expect. Nevertheless, I wanted to be able to publish these bits because I kinda like them, and sometimes I don't know what to write for the entry of the day. So, I decided instead of letting a perfectly good concept go to waste, I'll just post it here in installments. (If I didn't break it up, it'd be a massive post, and we all know that wouldn't be fun to slog through.) If this is a success (read: i'll end up doing this anyway, success or not, but the encouragement would be killer.) I will start posting some of my other material on Cracked.com that doesn't look like it'll ever see the light of their home page. (And yes, Oscar Movie is in there.) Without further ado, I give you...
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Lesson to be learned: If you keep trying, and working hard, you'll eventually just annoy the fuck out of everyone. At least if you're Friedberg and Seltzer. And to think...these assholes wrote Spy Hard, which was actually a funny movie! Until I find a subject other than these two numbskulls to write about, consider this your lazy post of the day.
Monday, June 23, 2008
7. The movie is extremely quotable. Some of my favorites include: - "Would you believe, Chuck Norris with a BB gun?"
- "...If you were thinking "Holy shit, holy shit, the swordfish almost went through my head", then yes."
- "...We don't jam staples in people's heads. That's CIA crap!"
6. The supporting cast is hysterical. I'm eagerly awaiting the Bruce and Lloyd direct to DVD movie. Score 1 for the tech geeks.
5. It blended parts of the aesthetic of Alias with the original Get Smart, and on top of that it referenced the original without going overboard.
4. Patrick Warburton's cameo at the end.
3. Steve Carell's Maxwell Smart isn't a complete bumbler, but still manages to trip up where it counts. Still, it was good to see a "spyfish out of water" movie where it didn't depend on him being a complete idiot, only to unrealistically win the day at the end.
2. The theme song. Always will be, and always has been, awesome. The revamp is quite nice.
1. The Chief kicks major ass. Alan Arkin stole all of his scenes, and frankly, I'd like to see The Chief go out on more missions. Bravo for breaking the stereotype of having a kick assed boss and just letting him sit behind a desk the whole film. (Think we could get a gun in Judi Dench's hand for Bond 23? I want to see her clip some bad guys. Just asking is all.)
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Counterpoint: A tried and true formula, rehashed yet again with a new ethnicity to mock, and the same old dick, shit, and midget jokes used in other projects of the like.
Advantage: Would you believe, Point, by $25.2 million? Congratulations to Get Smart for showing that there's still people who know the difference between right and wrong choices at the movies. Let's hope they know what they're doing and show up to theaters on August 29th and strike a blow for the movie going public...
Friedberg, Seltzer, it's on. I'm gathering some forces, and I'm going to show that there's still intelligence in the world. There are other, better movies being released on the same date as yours, and I'm going to educate everyone I can on them. Even if you hit number 1, it'll be out of people's desperation. You're being released in AUGUST, the beginning of the second shit movie season of the year. If anyone had confidence in your product, you'd be released either between May and July or Novemeber and January. Your success is in most part due to lack of competition. Well you're not as lucky this time. We succeeded with M. Night Shyamalan, we succeeded with Mike Meyers, and you're next. This world deserves a better class of blockbuster...and I'm gonna show it to them. So now, I have one huge question for everyone out there who's reading...
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Anyway, that's not the evil, glee inducing half of it...it's being released in August. That's right, the big boys behind the retardation of American Cinema are going to be making their first summer release. And all I can say is this...
BRING IT THE FUCK ON, ASSHOLES! WE'RE READY!
I don't care what I have to do, I'm going to undermine this film as much as I can. This is not going to be forgiven, forgotten, or even accepted. It HAS to stop.
Until next time, I'm Mr. Controversy. Let the mayhem begin.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
I'm sorry to follow something so somber with something so bitter, but it's for the public's own good...
Harlan Ellison is a fucking genius. I might be one of the "amateurs" who's trying to undercut the professionals (unintentionally, I assure you) but you have to respect a writer who's done as much as he has and talks like THIS to the Hollywood system. This is a short clip from a film done about Mr. Ellison, "Dreams with Sharp Teeth" and boy if this doesn't make me want to search this out, I don't know what will.
This much I know, this is the guy I want to grow up to be. Brilliant and respected, but with enough edge and balls that I know what's best for me while helping others. Warning: this video is extremely quotable, and you're going to probably want some stationary, t-shirts, or plaques made up with the genius that is Harlan Ellison. Just pay him first before you do anything...you might not like him burning your house to the ground.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
I did not know the man personally, nor was I a regular viewer of Meet The Press, so some might think my paying tribute to him is hypocritical, nothing more than me jumping on a news story. I think that opinion is wrong, because as someone who has admired what journalism stood for in its golden age (and what it could stand for these days if it had more discipline and less flash) I have to say that I admire Tim Russert for what I know of him. He was dedicated to his family, he covered the news as well as anyone like Bill O'Reilly should aspire to, and he is remembered fondly by his collegues and the news watching crowd.
It is truly a shame that journalism has lost Tim Russert, but there are two greater shames: that the world has lost a truly great man, and that a young son has lost his father. My condolences to his family, however small they may seem in the scope of all the condolences that have come before and will come after, are nonetheless sincere. Rest in Peace, Tim.
Friday, June 13, 2008
My Abusive Relationship with Hollywood, Episode 4 (Epilogue): Roger Ebert, WHAT THE FUCK?! or "This really fucking pains me to do this..."
Which saddens me even more to think that maybe, he's lost his mind. While trolling for news on The Happening and its impending cultural damages, I came upon the fact that Roger Ebert gave the movie I plan to watch as a comedy THREE STARS. He even said:
"What I admire about "The Happening" is that its pace and substance allowed me to examine such thoughts, and to ask how I might respond to a wake-up call from nature. Shyamalan allows his characters space and time as they look within themselves."(http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080612/REVIEWS/545929629)
Ok...one movie. I can't agree with him on everything, and I will give him that. After all, he hated Resident Evil Apocalypse and I thoroughly enjoyed it as a:
"big popcorn-y spectacle that featured a Jill Valentine so hot, I needed to remove my clothing during the showing I was at."
(Ok, I didn't really say that, but it was quite a fun movie. Clothing on and all. I swear.)
But then, while looking at his website, I stumbled upon his review for "You Don't Mess With The Zohan", which opened:
"The crowd I joined for "You Don't Mess With the Zohan" roared with laughter, and I understand why. Adam Sandler's new comedy is shameless in its eagerness to extract laughs from every possible breach of taste or decorum, and why am I even mentioning taste and decorum in this context? This is a mighty hymn of and to vulgarity, and either you enjoy it, or you don't. I found myself enjoying it a surprising amount of the time, even though I was thoroughly ashamed of myself. There is a tiny part of me that still applauds the great minds who invented the whoopee cushion." (http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080605/REVIEWS/806050306)
You mean all of this?! You mean you didn't print either of those without at least once laughing to yourself, thinking "this is total horseshit, but let's see what everyone thinks"? You seriously weren't under any drugs or weren't just having an off day at the movies? Wow. Roger Ebert, what the fuck happened to you?
I am not happy in making the accusation that Roger Ebert has lost his shit, but I am indeed saying that Roger Ebert may have lost some of his shit after his surgery. I do not hate the man by any means, in fact he still is an idol to me in film criticism. Hell, he likes Dark City as much as I do, if not more, and he's done commentary for the damn movie twice. We both loved Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, and we both abhorred
But he hated "21", calling it:
"...nearly as much fun as watching an insurance professional compute actuarial tables."
But perhaps one of the biggest divides in the opinion of Roger Ebert and myself is that of "Speed Racer".
Ebert: "Speed Racer" is a manufactured widget, a packaged commodity that capitalizes on an anthropomorphized cartoon of Capitalist Evil in order to sell itself and its ancillary products. Corporate partners in the venture include General Mills, McDonald's, Mattel, Topps, LEGO and Target, who have furnished no promotional consideration for mention in this review.
Myself: "This movie is one giant cartoon, a living, breathing, amazingly entertaining cartoon. It's a film heavily dependent on your inner child, and whether or not they're stuck at summer camp for eternity, or if they're sitting in the living room reading comics and drawing cool designs for rocketships. I don't have to tell you which one will enjoy the film more...when Speed raced through the final finish line, in a brilliant explosion of light and sound, there were no words for how amazing it was."
"The key to deciphering M. Night Shyamalan's fractured fairy tale, "Lady in the Water," is to remember that it is rooted in the mythology of Stephen Colbert and "The Colbert Report." It is a warning to Mankind about the dire threat posed by ferocious topiary bears in America today, and a salute to the gigantic, soaring eagle who swoops in to rescue Wet Ladies from pitiless ursine jaws and claws. Colbert oughtta sue. As a bonus, there's a naked water nymph and some angry tree monkeys with mohawks... You think I'm making this up? No, but I wonder why Shyamalan felt he needed to, given the half-hearted way he's presented his sodden fairy tale in this movie." (http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060720/REVIEWS/60720002/1023)
My Abusive Relationship With Hollywood, Episode 4: M. Night Shyamalan's The Crappening or M. Night's Career Has Nuked The Fridge
Yesterday, Chez over at Deus Ex Malcontent reposted a past entry of his blasting "auteur" M. Night Shyamalan, in "celebration" of his new "film" The Happening. (You can find it here:
http://www.deusexmalcontent.com/2008/06/short-attention-span-theater-welcome-to.html) In the comments field, I had posted, at least what I thought, was a funny comment about the story, in which Mr. Pazienza mocks Mr. Shyamalan's prose and filming style:
"Mr. Controversy said...
Very clever...but where's the twist? Might I suggest...
- his career died before it even started.
- his weakness is water. (This counts twice, seeing as he used it twice.)
- "Night" is really the monsters, and he's living in his own dream world concocted willingly from his own mind.
- M. Night Shymalan is from another world...a world where Uwe Boll is apparently God.
- He watches his latest movie, which causes him to kill himself.
What's scarier: the fact that those twists are lifted from his films, or that they oddly fit?(except for the last one, that's just wishful thinking.)"
For the record, I don't think James Newton Howard is that bad of a composer, but one could say that the style of the music he submits to an M. Night Shyamalan movie is very fitting of the movie...something that's always a different variation on the same old theme. In the case of Mr. Shyamalan, here is his process:
- Introduce some dark and ominous happenings that challenges the viewer/characters into figuring out its purpose and its origins.
- Have your character go through some sort of transformation that makes them a better, more ideal person. BECAUSE THAT'S WHY ALL OF THIS IS HAPPENING...THEY ARE A WICKED PERSON AND THEY NEED TO CHANGE!
- Oh, and don't forget...
THE TWIST YOU WILL NEVER...SEE...COMING...EVER...NOT IN A MILLION YEARS!
Here's how those of use who can cut through his bullshit see it:
- Introduce some bullshit monster/event/happening that fools the viewer into taking every red herring you drop for them and making them think it's a clue.
- Have your character go through some sort of transformation that makes them a better, more ideal person. BECAUSE THAT'S WHY ALL OF THIS IS HAPPENING...THEY ARE A WICKED PERSON AND THEY NEED TO CHANGE!
- And of course, we can't forget...
THE TWIST YOU WILL FUCKING SEE COMING FROM A MILE AWAY!
That's not to say I've hated every movie of his. I actually enjoyed Signs somewhat, and Unbreakable was his best film to date. (The one that, ironically, would have been a trilogy.) Unfortunately, M. Night is a one trick pony, on top of being a complete narcissist. His one trick..the "twist"ending.
Malcolm Crowe was dead, Mr. Glass was a supervillain, Graham finds his faith again and Merrill swings away, The Village was really some rich white people's way of living in a world without modern convenience/guilt/violence, The Lady In The Water prophecizes M. Night Shyamalan's "influence" and assassination, and The plants are the villains. If you need a reason to see an M. Night Shyamalan movie, I've just taken that away from you. His twists are ones that aren't really all that impressive, and he always...ALWAYS has a part in his films.
Lady In The Water was his shark jumper though, and even I could see that without seeing it. Instead of a simple one scene cameo like he ALWAYS does at some critical juncture in his films, he's a MAIN FUCKING CHARACTER! And not only that, he's an author who not only "wins one for the little guys" against a bitchy critic, but also will write something that'll inspire hope and peace in the world...too bad the fucker gets clipped before he sees his influence on everyone. This was the movie Disney wouldn't even buy, and they made the fucking Shaggy Dog remake! So, what does M. Night do when someone isn't interested in his "fairy tale for Adults"? Does he go back to the drawing board and rewrite the script so maybe he'll have a better shot at selling it to Disney, further strengthening a preexisting business relationship? Nope. Does he try to polish the script and sell it elsewhere? Half right. Does he take the same fucking shit one of the biggest studios in the world passed on, and sell it to a new, more gullible partner?
I don't know, why don't you ask Warner Brothers, they'd know better than me.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
You know what I say? Fuck him. Go see the movie. Go see The Happening. Only, instead of seeing it alone, go with some like minded friends. Go, see the movie, and MOCK THE SHIT OUT OF IT! Don't sit quietly and let your mind slip, fight back. Make rude comments. Laugh at inopportune moments. Do whatever you have to to subvert this bastard's work. Let's show M. Night that his films are good for only one thing...MST3K fodder!
And if you take my advice, please, post some interesting stories in the comments box. We all want this bastard to fry, so let's turn up the flame.
For those of you interested, tomorrow's column is going to be about this hack's career and how it relates to My Abusive Relationship with Hollywood. I'm Mr. Controversy, and until next time, go see The Happening.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Imagine, you're watching your favorite episode of Family Guy, and it gets to that really funny Mort Goldman part. You're ready to watch and laugh, when all of a sudden, THIS happens...
(Note: Bonus Annoyance Points go to The Love Guru...for fucking existing ten years after it'd actually be considered funny!)
WHAT IN THE GREAT NAME OF JESUS FREDERICK HORATIO CHRIST WAS WHAT?! Bill Engvall is going to pause the fucking show I'm watching right now (you know, the one I'm actually interested in) so he can go and talk about HIS goddamn show (you know, the one I actually DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT!) I don't care if you can start and stop any show you damn well please, so I can see your sister and you flaunt your inbred family tree! I really don't want to see you and your illegitimate spawn when I'm trying to laugh. You don't make me laugh, in fact in the Northern parts of the country you make hardly anyone laugh. So do me all a favor, get off the fucking television, take your family with you, and let me watch Family Guy in peace, or so help me I (and the American public) will take a run at you like Larry The Cable Guy at a bikini contest.
It's no secret, cable networks have been getting pushier and pushier with their advertising. At first, they put their logo on the bottom of the screen. I get the purpose of that. People don't know if they're watching Sci Fi HD when they're flipping channels and haven't memorized the channel line up, plus at least it was transparent or small enough that it didn't obscure anything in the program. So, the bottom right hand corner of the screen was claimed.
Apparently, that wasn't good enough. The left hand corner was bare, and the cable networks again had a great idea: let's put up the name of the program our viewers are watching. Again, if you're flipping through the channels and haven't memorized the cast of The Mummy by now, it's nice to know that the networks are kind enough to say, "Hey, we're in the middle of The Mummy. You want to watch it with us?"
Then, things took a turn for the worse. The lower left hand corner of the screen became a slave for advertising, the first step being advertising other shows on the same network. USA, TNT, TBS...all three have little graphics that pop up after a commercial break (because we REALLY want more commercials when we go back to the actual program we're sitting down to watch!) advertising other shows or their own website, or sometimes other products sponsoring the program currently on.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Earlier, I had written a rant about my then current lot in corporate life. ("I believe you have my" Life") In it, I talked about my misfortunes in finding a new job and the seemingly unceremonious end to the job I currently hold. Well, I'm happy to say I've been brought onto the very ark I was building. Things are in process for me to join the new company by the end of the summer. Even though I bitched about being left behind, I feel bad about it now because I've been taken back into the fold. (Plus I'm trying to cover my ass and make sure no one thinks I'm ungreatful for this opportunity.)
Whether I had this new job lined up or not, it's been an interesting almost year. (My anniversary here is June 25th.) I've met new people, had corporate ups and downs, and it's been quite an experience. Making contacts, learning the business, and having those days where I didn't even want to leave the warmth of my bed. It's the experience any of us have had with our jobs, but it's those very experiences that make us grow as people. They make us strive for excellence and make us go out there and find what we really want in life, while at the same time helping us remember that what we have for now isn't so bad either.
Like the song says, "you can't always get what you want." Until I can, I'm going to enjoy getting what I need.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Counterpoint: Not even song, dance, and superstition can save you from an asswhooping, especially when delivered by a complete fucking psychopath.
Advantage: Counterpoint, via a bowling pin.
P.S. I am the third revelation.
My Abusive Relationship with Hollywood, Episode 3: Redefining "Disaster" or, "THIS is all it takes to sell a movie these days?"
Boy, the Internet sure is good for ruining even one's simplest expectations.
Watch and burn. Burn in the hellfire that is Dreamworks Animation's latest grab at parent's money. Yes, from the studio that inflicted the Shrek franchise and the probably soon to be franchised Kung Fu Panda, comes this fall's greatest cinematic abortion since Sex and the City. (I can hear the distant cries of, "Let it go!". Never.) This trailer is all about the unnecessary. Unnecessary annoying early to mid 90's pop song (repopularized by the offspring it has indirectly created), unnecessary close ups of animal ass, and unnecessary usages of Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, Jada Pinkett Smith, and David Schwimmer. Oh yeah, and unnecessary sequel.
And with that, I have something to say to some of those involved in the film...
Ben...you restored part of my faith in you with the Tropic Thunder video you did at the MTV Movie Awards, and you used to suck at those too! I'm not so sure I'm going to go see Tropic Thunder now, or if I do, I'll close my eyes when you're on screen and pretend Robert Downey Jr. is playing your part too. (It'd probably be cooler/funnier that way.) Point is, restore my faith again.
Chris...your career is dead. Go back to directing films, Head of State was pretty damn good, all things considered. Or go back to stand up, people laughed at you there, right? Just stay away from the animated films.
Ms. Smith...stop riding your husband's coattails. The only movies I can remember seeing you in, and NOT wanting to kill something were The Nutty Professor and The Matrix films, and that's because of the surrounding casts. Do not doom yourself to be labeled as a "black hole" of acting, like Hayden Christensen. Gloria the Hippo is ANNOYING! Don't let yourself be labeled as such.
Mr. Schwimmer...you were an asshole in Band of Brothers, and you did a really good job with it. I forgot Ross, and saw an asshole. A well acted, well fleshed asshole; but an asshole nonetheless. Try some more drama, I hear you're pretty good with it. Oh, and maybe some dark comedy. Don't let this film sink your career, you're too talented.
Borat...you're shit is still funny...NOT. PLEASE go back to Ali G, or create a new character! The Lemur King deserves to be eaten by The Lion King. Oh, and you didn't get enough credit for Sweeney Todd. You were quite good as Pirelli. Could you do something like that again? Maybe play a role where your real accent is featured. It's ok, we know you're a real person behind the characters. We can accept that.
It's not just kids movie that suck now though, because adults have to wade through their own mountain of shit to find something entertaining.
That's right, from the mentally retarded duo who can't seem to stop making shitty films that teens will voluntarily go to, since they can't get into R rated films, come Disaster Movie. Omar Aviles from JoBlo.com summed up this new niche of film pretty well: "...a series of barely coherent pop culture references and spoofs in which Carmen Electra, Kim Kardashian and Vanessa Minnillo strut around in skimpy outfits." That's all these movies are...one long chain of tenuously connected contemporary films with played out jokes that merely require that you know what they're talking about to "laugh". To paraphrase Samuel L. Jackson: "Enough is ENOUGH! I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING RETARDS AND THEIR MOTHERFUCKING MOVIES!"
It really seems like some of the movies out there today not only appeal to the lowest common denominator, they are also poorly sold to the public. A fair amount of getting people to see your movie is selling the film the right way, and some of these movies are only selling themselves on fumes. The "Movie" movies are capitalizing on two different things: gullibility and brand recognition. Teens are gullible to see this film, because there's nothing else that's good under the PG13 label at that time of the year. (Remember, these movies are typically released between January and Late April, one of two "mostly shit" seasons of films.") They also recognized the brands of different movies, being used in a clusterfuck of a mash up that promises to be funny in how it references the films at hand.
Here are some basic sales pitchs for this type of movie movies, let's take Meet The Spartans for example:
Hey guys! Did you see 300?
(If Yes) We have all the kick assed action of 300, AND we remembered to bring the funny! Oh, and we have a Transformers joke in there too. Yeah, we're PG-13, but the PG stands for "Pretty fucking Good" (The F is silent). We don't have any pansy ass shit in this movie, but if you're not satisfied we pushed the envelope further with an Unrated cut on DVD. And let me tell you, you thought the PG13 version was hardcore, whoo-boy wait'll you see the Unrated DVD in about six months. I swear you'll remember to buy it on the day it comes out, it's that good. So, I can count you in for opening night?
(If No) What? You weren't old enough to see it?! Well, did you see Transformers?! I knew you'd say yes! Well, you can come see our movie, it's rated PG-13! We have all the kick assed action of 300, AND we remembered to bring the funny! Oh, and we have a Transformers joke in there too. We have a Britney Spears joke too, just in case you haven't grown tired of those. OH, and this kick assed Paris Hilton joke we were gonna save for the Unrated DVD, but we HAD to include it in the actual movie so we just airbrushed a bikini on our actress and knocked one of her eyes out of alignment so she'd look all dead eyed like Paris. So, I can count you in for opening night?
Basically, kids are sold this movie because there's nothing else out there at the time of release, and they planned it that way. The "movie" movie has become a brand of itself...the only problem is it's a brand that capitalizes on other brands to make its brand. (Think of a new jean company that basically sewed together the factory seconds of Levi's, Lee, and Wrangler to make a "new line of jeans".) And since all the kids show up opening weekend, because once again there's nothing good at the cineplex, these movies have relatively high openings for the season they open during.
I have a message for Jason Fredberg and Aaron Seltzer (whose namesake is about as funny as his writing):
You want to prove your movies are "funny" and "popular"...open up against a big movie. Slate your next film against the Harry Potter film during the Family Movie season in November. Open it during the "prestige" picture season in December. Hell, postpone it until next summer and take on some of the big dogs. I guarantee you'll get your asses kicked, because people will have options, and when people have options it's hard to fuck up. When there's no option but to see your shitty movies, of course people are going to see them and of course you're going to make a killing. Put your money where your mouth is, or sit in the back of the class with Uwe Boll where you belong.
Hollywood, don't let these douchebags take over modern Cinema...put an end to the "Movie" movie, put an end to the shitty kids movie, look at what you're greenlighting carefully, and stop generally retarding the public by letting shit like this get made. Or suffer this now humoristic, but possibly fatalistic possibility...
Not all hope is lost though. For kids,
and definitely for adults as well...
And on a final note, look for my own "movie" movie, Oscar Movie. I'm currently drafting it, hoping to film it, and have submitted the pitch to Cracked Magazine. (I'm not even kidding.)
Thursday, June 5, 2008
...into something so cheap.
The nut shot seemed pretty dead. Then, the nutshot started to come back...
But even then, there was still doubt that it would be resurrected in live action media. Not anymore, not any fucking more because hope came from the most unlikely (and pretty damn likely) of sources. Behold the "viral video" for Tropic Thunder.
Yes, nut shots are funny again, and thanks for Robert Downey Jr., Jack Black, and surprisingly funny again Ben Stiller. This not only gives me hope for comedy, but it also gives me hope for Tropic Thunder not sucking. This is genuinely funny, and I think it's mostly because of Iron Man (Hey, that's how he's credited on the poster, it can't be argued.) Panda helps too, but Stiller surprisingly erases the collective memory of his latest suckfests to show us a glimpse of the comedic genius who used to be.
This could be the beginning of something wonderful. A comedic renaissance of epic proportions. Or it could just be a temporary pass from the hell that is modern comedy. In closing, I would like to nominate the next person who should get the now patented Robert Downey Jr. Nut Shot O' Doom (working title):
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Well, Ms. Clinton, the funny thing is...the American public made its decision last night, and you're not it. In what should have been her concession speech last night, Hillary decided she was going to make no decisions. She also been recently noted for saying that she was also concerned with the unity of the Democratic party, and that if a Vice Presidential nomination were to drop into her lap, she most certainly wouldn't kick it out of bed.
A very audacious move, but keep in mind the Democratic Party has become the party of audacity. Only where Senator Obama's audacity is one of hope, Ms. Clinton's is one of a powerful lust for power. Her wheeling and dealing has been all too public, and there is a high level of transparency to her actions. Ms. Clinton wants back in the White House. She's very clear on this point, and the point that she will do ANYTHING in her power to get her there. VP, cabinet member, and if all else fails she'll become part of the custodial staff.
Why? Because she has a huge chip on her shoulder. She is the first female to run for president. Her husband had an eight year term that some romanticize, while others chastise. Mix all this in with her previous career as a successful senator, and you've got someone who thinks they're ordained for power, destined for greatness. Well, Ms. Clinton, you are not destined for greatness. And before anyone points it out, I have noticed that I call her "Ms." instead of "Senator". My reasoning: Ms. Clinton stopped being a senator the minute she said she was "in it to win it", which she didn't. People like her have a one track mind when it comes to their ambitions. Everything and anything gets poured into the big dream, and all of her energy burned in this one bright flame that consumed all it could around it. She is a puppet master, trying to manipulate the strings of anyone who'll allow her the opportunity, and she's gotten some pretty powerful people behind her that way.
Even James Carville, a man who was portrayed as a brilliant, no nonsense strategist for the Dems, looked pussy whipped in an interview this morning on Good Morning America. When asked about a pledge he made to write a check towards Senator Obama's campaign if he won the nomination, he replied "If my gal tells me Senator Obama is the nominee, I'll get out my checkbook..." (Note: That is a rough paraphrasing of what Mr. Carville has said. It is not a direct quote.) Well, Mr. Carville, I have something to say to you...
She only moved to New York so she could run for Senator, and being senator of a big state is usually a good way to get yourself eventually thrown into a presidential contest. All she had to do was wait...which she did. And she failed...EPICALLY. Now, she'll huff and puff until she'll get her way, which she won't, and she'll be forced to lower her expectations and take what she can get.
Well, I think it would be an unwise move to put Ms. Clinton into ANY position of power in the Obama White House, should there be one. Ms. Clinton's manipulations should be stopped here, and limited to the great state of New York, where they truly know how to take out the trash, as they will eventually with her. She has already damaged the credibility of her husband's name, the Democratic party, and what's more the electoral process of the United States of America. Her actions should be punished, and Senator Obama should find a suitable running mate for his campaign. Say, a twentysomething wunderkind from New Jersey, full of dreams, hope, and tenacity, who happens to blog in his favor. 0:)
Whatever happens next, ladies and gentlemen, should be interesting at least. The election of 2008 is going to be hotly contested, bitterly fought, and eventually one man will claim the prize of the highest elected office in this nation, besides becoming a fucking American Idol. Let's make sure the right person wins. Let's make sure we make the right choice for the democracy and the security of our country. Please...
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