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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also a film journalist/critic for Cocktails & Movies and CinemaBlend, as well as the author of several short stories such as "The Devil v. George W. Bush". Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: mikereyeswrites@gmail.com

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Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Horrendous Pictures presents, "2013: The Year of the Cage"

According to Pajiba, the leading scientific experts on one Nicholas Cage, there are 9 films starring Mr. Cage in 2009. My friends...that is not enough. If we are to hasten the apocalypse, so we all get candy, so we all have the energy to start running around and screaming like assholes, we're going to have to do more than just a couple films where he reads numbers and talks out of a guinea pig's ass. Therefore, we here at Horrendous Pictures propose that should the world survive to 2013, then that year will be The Year of the Cage! That's right folks, 12 movies starring Nic Cage for every month of the year, every holiday, every purpose! Don't believe me? Here's the proof!

January - Nic Cage stars in "Executive Privilege", a Presidential Espionage thriller where the outgoing president is a terrorist trying to get rid of the incoming president.

February - Nic Cage stars in "Crucify Me!", a romantic comedy about Jesus's reincarnation into the modern world...and trying to find some sweet tail.

March - Nic Cage stars in "Erin Go Home", the story about a leprechaun who's down on his luck, but meets a lovable orphan to help him find the pot o' gold again.

April - Nic Cage stars in "Ghost Rider 2", because you'd have to be an April Fool to see it.

May - Nic Cage stars in "The Rock 2", where we've recast Sean Connery with Jon Voight! (Moms love Jon Voight! How do you think he's cast in all those shitty kids movies?!)

June - Nic Cage stars in a film update of "Father Knows Best"! Say goodbye to your nostalgia!

July - Nic Cage stars in "Sweet Land of Liberty", a musical written by Fall Out Boy about the formation of the Declaration of Independence. Also starring Robert Pattinson as Ben Franklin!

August - Nic Cage stars in "Board Meeting", a surfing comedy similar to Wild Hogs! (Nothing happens in August...deal!)

September - Nic Cage stars in "On Principal", the story of a High School principal who's diagnosed with an extremely rare blood disorder, but still finds the sprit to triumph within.

October - Nic Cage stars in "Jack O' The Lanterns", a musical written by Gym Class Heroes about the old Irish legend that created the Jack-O-Lantern! Also starring Robert Pattinson as...a smashed fucking pumpkin!

November - Nic Cage stars in "Electoral Dysfunction", a movie about what it feels like to not be able to vote in a vital presidential election, due to the fact that you've been wrongly flagged as a felon. (Naturally, this is a comedy.)

December - Nic Cage stars in "NO, NOT THE BEES!", because I know how much everyone LOVES The Wicker Man, so consider it a christmas present.

There you have it. A whole year's worth of Nic Cage to fulfill the wishes of even the most die hard fan. As fellow Pajibite/Horrendous Pictures board member Admin said 2013 will be the year when, "Hollywood Gets Cageier"!


Anonymous said...

I was going to complain that you seemed to have no love for The Wicker Man 2, but then I saw your december entry. I love this idea!

Mr. Controversy said...

Always gotta save the best for last...unless something better comes along.

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