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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Monday, January 26, 2009

MTV: Harbinger of Cinematic Doom

It used to be that MTV was a barometer of what’s been going on in terms of the musical state of culture. It also used to be that you could leave your doors unlocked, trust your neighbors, and smoke as much as you wanted because it made you healthy…and look where all of those trends are today. Naturally when an element of society starts to lose its usefulness, it tries to take on other duties and methods that keep it current and “hip” as the kids would say. MTV, seeing that people were not satisfied with mere “music television”, decided to branch out into full fledged network programming. This decision was made in the 90’s when it all of a sudden was out of style to spend half of your budget on your employee’s coke habits, and it became in style to actually spend your budget on outputting product. This lead to MTV first foraying into animation with such classics as Aeon Flux and Beavis and ButtHead, and then into the newborn medium of reality television with The Real World and Road Rules. (To this day, nobody mentions the game show phase they went through in the late 90’s. For the record though, I was a big fan of The Blame Game. Another topic better left to die...the track record of MTV Films. Yeah, hurts doesn't it?)

Now, not content with unleashing the hell of Spencer and Heidi on the unsuspecting populace, MTV seems to have turned its watchful (and poisonous) eye towards movie news. If you like pain, go here (http://moviesblog.mtv.com/) and revel in the craptacular news that MTV has been reporting in their own craptacular way. (You heard me…I think your news sucks! Like I’m supposed to trust Kurt Loder with my journalistic appetite. Serena Altchul, though, I’d trust…she went on to CBS and CNN afte….oh crap, I don’t trust her either. She’s pretty, but I don’t trust her with the news either.) Maybe it’s just cosmic balance, maybe it’s just a bad month for movie news, but I saw the following two stories on there and they made me fear for my eyeballs and brain.

To begin, I submit to you the further horror that is Jerry Bruckheimer’s career: http://moviesblog.mtv.com/2009/01/25/jerry-bruckheimer-debuts-prince-of-persia-poster-within-his-own-film-confessions-of-a-shopoholic/

“Mega-Producer Jerry Bruckheimer has hidden the poster inside his latest film, "Confessions of a Shopaholic," appearing as a Times Square advertisement about halfway into the film. It joins posters for a number of other Bruckheimer productions, including the upcoming "G-Force," though "Persia" is unique in that it marks the first time the film's artwork has been seen anywhere. Prominently featured on the poster is lead actor Jake Gyllenhaal in full-costume as Prince Dastan.”

Ok, so first off we’re getting a video game movie nobody was exactly clamoring for. I know Prince of Persia is a big deal with gamers, seeing as it’s survived the jump from computer to next gen console after console. Seriously though, do we NEED a Prince of Persia movie? A dagger that controls time? A prince with a split personality? Do you honestly think it’s going to look THAT much better on film? Huh? Do you really, Jerry? I don’t think so.

Second, Jake Gyllenhaal is NOT the Prince of Persia. The Prince is ripped, and you my friend are not. You weren’t even seriously consider for Spider Man once Tobey Macguire came into the picture, and you two are like clones hatched from the same vat. (The vat that has now been converted to Disney’s “Pop Star Generation” program. More hellish details on that as they are uncovered/fabricated for humor purposes.) Stick to the prestige pictures and the indie flick. (I’m sure someone else will make at least one more about gay cowboys and the policy of extreme rendition. If they could combine the two, you’d be doubly qualified to get the role. By the way, that’s not a knock to the late Heath Ledger. Anyone who knows me knows I wouldn’t kid around with that sort of thing.)

Third, and finally, do you seriously think that you’re going to lure us geeks, nerds, and gamers into a movie like Confessions of a Shopaholic just so we can see a fleeting glimpse of a MOVIE POSTER? No, really, you expect us to shell out $10 for a possibly two hour commercial for the “glamorous life” that Fergie can’t shut the fuck up about? $10 on a movie made up of basically the Shopping portion of every episode of Sex and the God Damn City? No. Just no. I thought your guinea pig movie was my breaking point, and then this happened. Any, and I mean ANY good filmmaker would know that you premiere the image online and free for the geek populace. You want people to see your shitty movie…slap a half assed teaser trailer on the front of it, that always works. Uwe Boll knows better than to pull what you’re pulling. You’re better than that, you produced The Rock, for God’s sake!

As if that weren’t bad enough, I found another link that probably confirms what teaser trailer you WILL see at the beginning of Confessions…http://moviesblog.mtv.com/2009/01/21/hannah-montana-comes-home-battles-tyra-banks-in-new-trailer/

“Featuring a new song (the film will have 12 new song total), the trailer shows exactly where this movie is heading, and that’s to Miley’s hometown in Tennessee. With Hannah Montana’s status — and ego — getting out of control, Miley’s dad (played by her real-life pops) decides to ship her back to her hometown to humble the star. Toss in a good-looking cowboy and a full-on battle with Tyra Banks, and you’ve got yourself a movie.”

No, you don't have yourself a movie...you have yourself a future war crime! It’s that easy to get Jerry Bruckheimer off the hook, ladies and gentlemen, because THIS is a greater atrocity than his little marketing snafu. This, my friends, is what happens when you let Paul Blart: Mall Cop be number 1 at the box office for two weekends in a row, and one of those weekends just happens to be the one where Dakota Fanning says she’s signing up to be a vicious little bloodsucker for the new Twilight movie. (Well, maybe that last part isn’t too unbelievable.)

Unless those songs happen to include “My Daddy Creeps Me Out”, “I’m Sorry (for that Vanity Fair Business)”, and “Hannah Montana: Vicious Snake Monster”, chances are you won’t be seeing me at the theater for this one. Unless someone’s pulled a 24 on me and threatened all that I love…or if I was paid REALLY well to write a review trashing it.

I tried to gain a little insight on what the hell was going on with MTV, and what their mission statement was for such a venture as the MTV Movies Blog. Here’s what they have to say for themselves:

“Welcome to the MTV Movies Blog, updated throughout the day with exclusive movie news, trailers, interviews and more. Our team of film experts joins with celebrity contributors - from Eli Roth to Judd Apatow - to ensure that when it comes to the hottest flicks, you'll hear it first. We know you’re out there, Mike. We’re coming to get you. We want you to jump. Jump Mike, Jump. That’s right, end it all. Miley is here to stay, so fucking get used to it and bow before her. KNEEL BEFORE MILEY!*”

Ok, there’s no mention of bringing about the Apocalypse, specific or implied. Everything looks fine here…wait, there’s something at the end there in small print. Let me blow it up a little.:

“We know you’re out there, Mike. We’re coming to get you. We want you to jump. Jump Mike, Jump. That’s right, end it all. Miley is here to stay, so fucking get used to it and bow before her. KNEEL BEFORE MILEY!*”

I honestly don’t know where that came from, but I already fear for my life. I’ll end here and say that maybe the casting director on New Moon should consider Miley for a role as well. I dare you to look at the following photo and think that Miley wouldn’t make a perfect evil vampire.

*You know as well as I do I made that up. But it was pretty heavily implied in that Hannah Montana: The Movie trailer post.

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