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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Sudden Halt In Talent Syndrome - A Case Study

I was reading a story on Pajiba yesterday involving the trailer for Big Stan, Rob Schneider's next cinematic opus and someone had said they thought Mr. Schneider was dead. Knowing that this wasn't true, while at the same time being somewhat true, I decided to try and help clear the air around just what Rob Schnider's been doing lately. Using my medical (not-so) expertise, I devised a new syndrome that I'll be proposing to the medical experts everywhere. The following is the description I provided for the fine folks at Pajiba, with a couple of edits. Also, to enhance medical credibility, I'd like to suggest that you imagine the following being read by David McCallum in the role of Dr. Donald "Ducky" Mallard from NCIS. (Trust me, it sounds cooler that way.)
Sudden Halt In Talent Syndrome

A Case Study by Dr. Michael Reyes

Lately, there's been a condition floating around Hollywood that's caused the demise of many a career: Sudden Halt in Talent Syndrome, or "S.H.I.T.S." as we call it in the medical community. It's when someone who was once seen as talented or "hot stuff" just all of a sudden starts to lack the spark that propelled them into the either of Public Consciousness. The latest victim of which, is one Rob Schneider. Once a semi talented, catchphrase worthy comedian of the early 90's, he was able to make the fratboy/immature kid in all of us laugh. Since the beginning of the late 90's though, his career has been on the decline, and this lead to many thinking he was or would be dead in a very short matter of time.

Well, in a way those people are right. If I may, I would like to pose the following theory: he died a stripper's death. You see, a stripper's death is just a trumped up way of saying the soul is dead, but the body and a bitter shell of the brain allow only the most basic and watered down versions of previous life functions. Some have confused this with the existence of "zombie strippers", which is flat out bullshit. Such things do not exist, and if they did no one would go near them. Plain and simple.

The S.H.I.T.S usually occur in four phases:

Phase 1: Commonly known as "going through the motions", which is what cause Mr. Schneider to make such films as The Animal, The Hot Chick, and The Stapler, though for legal and ethical reasons that last film will never see the light of day. While in this phase, the subject still carries some modicum of self respect, which limits the effects to a lower yield than future stages.

Phase 2: The subject becomes self important, the ego being swollen to irrepairable lengths. Fits are thrown, vanity projects are lines up like dominos, and ill advised ventures are pursued. It is at this time that the subject will also latch onto whatever vestiges of fame propeled them into stardom in the first place, and ride the hell out of any good will left in them. (This explains all of the Happy Madison cameos.)

Phase 3: The final and ugliest phase, is when the deadness sets into the brain, thanks to extreme repitition and bad decision making. The brain becomes unable to come up with any new ideas. Whatever "unique" ideas the subject comes up with are usually comprised of elements from successful past works and other works by more successful artists. If you look at Mr. Schneider's eyes, you can see they look particularly dead, as if he just doesn't care if his career goes into the tank and his body is violated. So long as he's paid copiously, he'll do anything you ask of him. Much like a stripper.

Phase 4: The subject, finally run down and haggard beyond all recognition, becomes a waitress at IHOP, because IHOP is where strippers go to die. Their flesh, wrinkled and ultrasensitive to prolonged ultraviolet exposure, can best withstand incandescent lighting over long stretches of time. Hence, their employment/residence in the rest rooms at IHOP. This is where they go, surly and jaded beyond any normal human means, and await their final repose. Note: Be careful not to be bitten by one, you never know what they might try to pass on. (Special thanks to fellow scientist Marra for her discovery of this until recently unknown phase.)

Vin Diesel has been rumored to be a long term Phase 1 patient, but reports are inconclusive. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag have also been rumored to be afflicted by this, but doctors have ruled that possibility impossible because Phase 1 dictates that there's some sort of self respect present to destroy in the first place. Strangely enough, the only other confirmed case in Hollywood is one Gibert Mc Taintlick, who is currently writing such future January classics as Paul Blart: Zoo Cop and Deuce Bigolo: Congressional Gigolo.

Here's hoping Mr. Schneider can pull his career back out of the gutter, otherwise his career looks like one big case of the S.H.I.T.S.

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