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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also a film journalist/critic for Cocktails & Movies and CinemaBlend, as well as the author of several short stories such as "The Devil v. George W. Bush". Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: mikereyeswrites@gmail.com

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Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Brood Wars (Apologies to Blizzard Entertainment)

I HATE when people shove their kids in my face. Yes, kids are cute and cuddly, but so's a koala. If someone were to throw a Koala in my face when I wasn't expecting/receptive to the idea, I'd be pissed at them too. It's not so much the children/koala I'd be angry with, it's the parent/zookeeper (same thing, in some cases) who's thrusting their charge into my personal space with the zeal and vigor that is not called for. "Oh, little Timmy said his first words today". That's cute...but am I really that invested in little Timmy's development. Come back to me when he's five, and you've got a whole bunch of status updates about your child's well-being. The last think I need is a walking Facebook status update constantly telling me that their kid took a shit. So what makes the media think i'm going to sit through an interview with someone whose sole purpose for being on TV is that they've produced a litter of children?

Recently the media has been seized with the sensation over Nadya Suleman and her Octuplets. We’ve seen the doctors who must have delivered the children with the same shit eating grins they display on TV when they announced the procedure. We’ve heard from Ms. Suleman’s mother about how she’s “obsessed” with childbirth (which seems pretty valid, considering the octuplets are children 6-14 in her family). Now we’re hearing about book deals, talk show appearances, and even parenting advice show gigs being offered to a woman who did what any other woman did…she popped one out. It’s time to put this trend out of its misery.

It’s not bad enough that there’s people out there who feel that if they have a kid it’ll take away ANY problem they could come across on God’s green earth, now we have people that do it and purposely try to have multiple kids in order to become the next Duggar family or the next Jon and Kate Plus 8. Better yet, how much do you want to bet that Ms. Gosselin’s little spat about the showerhead was less about her husband not using a coupon and more about someone trying to muscle their way into their family size (times two) spotlight? So now we have a new subcategory of celebrity, one that ranks right above Celebutard and right below Reality TV show whore: Brood Mares. People who think their DNA doesn’t stink, and want to flood the world with their chromosomes and sparkling eyes. Well, I’d like to think no one’s DNA is better than anyone else’s, because the last time that argument played out millions of people died in Europe. So why don’t you shut your legs, shut your mouth, and kindly go do something worthy of our attention if you really want us to read your book or watch your show.

Why in the world would I, or anyone else for that matter, want to read a book written by someone whose greatest achievement in life was to do the Genetic Mambo with their significant other after popping fertility treatments? Why do I care that YOU had eight kids, on top of five others? Why should the world care that you want to get pregnant every single year of your life? That’s right, I’m looking at you Duggars! That shit with the 18 babies with names beginning in J just doesn’t cut it. Someone should name the next one “Just Fucking Stop Already”, that begins with a J you know. It really doesn’t take much to be a celebrity in this world, does it? I’m amazed that these breeding factories get the big bucks, and I have to work for a living. Maybe I should talk my girlfriend into having tons of children, a number of children so great that the only way we can afford it is to become media whores. (By the way, this won’t ever happen. I’ve been told “after three, my uterus shuts down”.)

If you can’t afford the children, DON’T FUCKING HAVE THEM! We’ve already got greedy businesses asking for bailouts from the Government, now we’ll have families increasing their numbers and asking the News Media for their own personal bailout. Childbirth, while being a “miracle of life” and a self fulfilling experience, is not, nor should it ever be considered, entertainment. Unless you’re making a documentary about the process for education purposes, or making a fictional movie about the trials and tribulations of having Katherine Heigl push one out, then frankly I don’t want anything to do with you. As for these “Reality Moms”, I think they should all be subject to compulsory tubal ligations, because the world is already crowded enough, and if your kids are anything like you they’ll be even bigger fame whores than you are. And frankly, my future kids will probably kick their pansy “propped on a televised pedestal” asses.Which brings us to one last area of concern, the classic utterance of any concerned parent, “What about the Children”? Do you really think growing up in a human version of 101 Dalmatians is really going to help these kids through the self esteem and identity issues every kid has during their development? If anything, you’d think this would add onto the issues any kid faces. Not to mention, how are these kids supposed to have their own identities when their parents just keep reproducing? Think back to your own childhood, and think back to the experiences you had. The ups, the downs, the experiences that made you into the person you are. Now imagine those being shared with sixteen other people, and you’ll see my point. That point being that in a small family unit, much less a jumbo sized one, kids already have enough of a problem discovering who they are in their lives. Individuality cannot properly be reinforced when you’ve got so many other mouths to feed. It’s so much easier to treat them as a collective, or a hive if you will, and treat them all equally, all the same, and basically produce your own little cult of semi identical children. It’s also not the way a child should grow up.

A child needs autonomy, they need personal experiences with their parents besides being showed off to Matt Lauer and the other cackling chuckleheads on the morning news. (Except Good Morning America…I like them.) A child can’t possibly grow up stable in a family that consists of a high yield of children and that’s under constant media surveillance. We’ve seen what one childhood under the microscope of the news has been like (Macaulay Culkin), hell we’ve even seen normal sized families produce media ready train wrecks (The Spears and the Simpson Families). Just imagine those “successes” replicated by a factor of sixteen.


Marra Alane said...

I dunno about the koala thing. If someone shoved a koala at me, I think I'd be more receptive to it than a baby.

And you're absolutely right: it's one thing to have a big family; it's another to force your hideous children on the unsuspecting population (I'm looking at you, Duggars. Fix your goddamn hair!).

Jeremy Feist said...

Jeebus H. Christopus, what the bloody hell is wrong with these people? If you can't care for a child, or you can't find someone one who can and will, DON'T HAVE KIDS. The worst part is that there are 18 instances in which the Duggars' DNA will be passed down. And 14 for crazy bitch McGee over there. Super.

Sarah The Anime Librarian said...

Thank you!

I just feel sick when I hear about this stuff. I refuse to watch the shows, buy the books, or give these people ANY money.

Its a sad fact that so many will, that this DNA polution will pay off.

Dont get me wrong...I love kids. I work with them everyday. But the lack of common sense (or the straight out bat-craziness) from these people scares the hell out of me.

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