Last night, during the North American Advertising League Showcase (and inconsequential Football game) E-Trade decided to do what they’ve been famous for doing the past couple years…using talking babies for their commercials. Remember when that fad was new, back in 1989 when we were all introduced to Look Who’s Talking? Ah, the simple days of infantalist interior monologue set to the tune of Bruce Willis’s lilting cadence and Jersey charm. Yeah, I wasn’t that impressed with it either, and introducing America’s (tone deaf) sweetheart Roseanne as his sister in the sequel certainly didn’t help things either. (Anybody here remember Baby Talk, the short lived ABC sitcom around the same time that basically ran with the same idea?) Somehow, the talking baby idea survived into the new millennium. Even after experiencing a small setback with the CBS s(h)itcom Baby Bob (who went on to shill for Quiznos) talking babies somehow outlived dancing babies in popularity. (The Dancing Baby didn’t make it past 1999. A somber silence for his passing.)
Enter E-Trade, who decided that it was time to give America what it sorely deserved…a talking infant who seems wiser beyond his years, knows how to use a BlackBerry, and uses hipster slang to talk to his girlfriend after his oh so ironic “Rock Me Amadeus” ringtone goes off. Ha. Ha ha. That’s so funny and original, I didn’t even bother putting this glowering commendation to your genius in caps like it should be. Maybe it’s because your baby is infected with what we like to call, “The Fail”. It’s not funny.
These commercials are so funny, I’ve forgotten to laugh. No, seriously, I’ve gone through the whole Internet today and I can’t laugh at one…fucking…thing. Even the Alec Baldwin Hulu ad, which is pretty damn funny. I can acknowledge something is funny, I can even feel a tickling sensation that is the prelude to a laugh. I just can’t physically laugh. The build up is there, everything’s there, except for the release. Thanks to these E-Trade bastards, I have “Comedic Blue Balls”. These commercials should make audiences around the world thankful that Juno gave her baby away in the end, otherwise it would have talked and acted like this all the goddamn time.
E-Trade wants to play like that? They want to pander to the lowest common denominator, then I’m gonna help them. As we all know, all “good” things must come to an end, and as such I have the perfect final E-Trade ad for the talking baby, something to finally kill the Baby trend nice and dead. And it'll be just in time for the second (or third) biggest ad blitz of this season, The Oscars! Before I go on, I’d like to thank my best friend Snorb and everyone else who’s repeated the following gag, for keeping this in my mind:
E-Trade Talking Baby Ad 4 (30 Second Oscars Telecast Ad)
(We open with the E-Trade Baby sitting in front of his webcam, holding his BlackBerry, and perusing ads for a hooker.)
E-Trade Baby: Yo…sup? Oh, nothin’ much. Just chillin’, checkin’ my E-Trade account while lookin’ for a honey to get my rocks of with. (looks at the ads) Awww yeah, time to polish the family jewels, yo!
(A Snuggie man walked into the room in the background, Baby continues)
E-Trade Baby: You know with E-Trade, you get 1000 trades commission free when you join. True fact, bomb-diggity. You’ll save so much money, you’ll be able to get some pretty young thing to (uses air quotes) “love you long time.”
(The Baby laughs, while The Snuggie Man is joined by a Snuggie Woman, who is carrying something in her arms. It’s covered with a black cloth. She places it on the table in the background, and proceeds to pick the baby up.)
E-Trade Baby: And they’ve got 24/7 tech support, just in case you need assistance. Because, it’s hard out here for us pimps.
(The baby is placed on the table next to the mystery object. Baby Bob, the babies from Look Who’s Talking, and the Dancing Baby are sat right next to the baby.)
E-Trade Baby: Don’t believe me? Just ask my peeps here.
(He gestures towards the other babies, and before they can speak the Snuggie Man starts to speak.)
Snuggie Man: Dear Lord of the Snuggie, we cleanse your world of these abominations, so that you may grace us with the blessings of your son, Jesus Christ! MARY, THE DEVICE!
(The Hooded Woman unveils a blender, and turns it on at High speed.)
E-Trade Baby: (clearly afraid) WHAT THE FUCK?!
(Snuggie Man and Snuggie Woman begin chanting/singing.)
Snuggie People: BABY IN A BLENDER! BABY IN A BLENDER! CHA CHA CHA!
E-Trade Baby: NOOOOOO!!!
(The Snuggie Man and Woman continue to repeat their chant, as they feed each child into the blending in sitting order. Screen goes black and cut to title card.)
Title Card: E-Trade: Because babies aren’t fucking funny anymore.
(Cut back to Snuggie Man and Snuggie Woman drinking their creation. They look crazed.)
Snuggie People: WE DRINK IT UP!