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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Friday, February 13, 2009

The Suleman Embezzlement, or "A Letter to Nadya Suleman"


Update: I was going to mail this out, but it'd be childish to actually do so. Not to mention, I'm sure plenty of other people have interesting things to say. I'll just be content with publishing my thoughts in my own little corner here. However, to "karmically" balance this out, I'd like to point you all to the new Nadya Suleman website (
http://www.thenadyasulemanfamily.com/), which is now graciously accepting your money. The language may be harsh, and quite rude, but how can you say she didn't have it coming?

Dear Nadya Suleman,

Lately your story has been blowing up the news, and stories have been breaking left and right on just how screwed up you truly are. I’m sorry you had a horrific childhood, but by no means does that translate into a need for plastic surgery and collagen injections. Oh wait…that’s not the worst of it, because you had those treatments done AFTER HAVING EIGHT CHILDREN IN ADDITION TO THE SIX YOU ALREADY HAVE! Do you fail to realize that money you had in your “personal savings” could have been put towards taking care of your children, instead of having eight fucking more and getting all prettified for your Today Show interview. You are NOT, I repeat NOT Angelina Jolie, and you should not be deified as such. You’re just a skank who decided she’d get knocked up twice over and pop some babies out for media attention.

You are also a fucking hypocrite. Seriously, you go on national television with your Angelina Fauxlie look, you say that money’s “just paper” and that you’re not on welfare, only to turn around and show that you are indeed on public assistance programs and $50,000 in debt. Apparently, you realized that money isn’t merely printed matter, seeing as you’re soliciting everyone’s hard earned ones and zeroes online through your website, “The Nadya Suleman Family”. Nice name, by the way. It really turns your litter of pups into the “brand name” you really want it to be, like “The Duggars” or “Jon and Kate”. “The Nadya Suleman Family” sounds like a second rate rip off of The Partridge Family!

In case you haven’t gotten this through that obviously thick vagina of yours, we’re in the midst of a recession. The Market’s in the shitter, people are losing their homes and watching how they spend money nowadays, we could all use a bailout. However, not all of us are risking the lives of human beings to get there, much less human beings we brought into this world so we felt like we were a good person. I fear for the lives of your fourteen children, and I fear that they’ll be just as fucked up as you. What’s more, the American Tax Payer SHOULD NOT have to pay for your deluded little fantasy of parental stardom. Nor should we have to pay for the Duggars, or the Jon and Kates, or any other family that decides to overburden the planet with their DNA.

If they were naturally occurring octuplets (which, by the way, the odds are VERY slim), I could see that. Hey, you blast your load, you role the dice, and pray that all the little ones are healthy and happy so you may foster them into a hopefully better world than the one you are currently given. But this?! Intentionally having children you can’t pay for, and asking for donations and items from corporate sponsors or the Government and its citizens? When did SPAWNING become a fucking sport? Are you going to have the Luvs symbol tattooed on the small of your back? Are you going to slap a Pampers sticker on your stomach to cover the unsightly stretch marks? Or are you finally going to become a spokesperson for Trojan and just STOP HAVING BABIES?!

Ma’am, I don’t count myself as a hateful person, but you’ve seriously raised my ire. I shouldn’t have to give you ANY of my money I slaved away to earn. None of us should. You want to truly raise these kids and be the “good mommy” you’ve convinced yourself into thinking you are? Get a fucking job like the rest of us, and stop being a greedy cunt.

Sincerely,

Michael Reyes

And now, for all you Doctor Who fans...some Lolz courtesy of The Master...

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