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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Suleman Sellout, or "How to Take a Bad Idea to the Endzone"

Well, the most disturbing news hit today…Nadya Suleman is being offered $1 million and “full benefits” to become Vivid Video’s latest contract girl. And here I was thinking that porn was supposed to be attractive and (mildly) entertaining, as opposed to frightening and disturbing. With that in mind, join me now as I embark on a sick and perverted twist on “My Fair Lady” by trying to turn the Octomom into the next porn star. Honestly, with her already whorish morals, why wouldn’t she take this offer. I will warn you all though, that this is the most depraved I think I've been, at least on this blog anyway, and it should get interesting.

- Fist First off, Ms. Suleman seems like the type of star you’d only want to film at a rear or side angle, if you know what I’m saying. (I think you do.) With a little Hollywood trickery, we can make even Ms. Suleman look mildly hot. (Though, we may want to ease off of the side angles for a while…all of that stomach skin swinging to and fro might give some viewers nausea.
- Secondly, we have a whole “Angelina Jolie” fetish market we can tap into. With her desire to look like the original trend mom, why don’t we just help her get to where she wants to be! We can surgically alter the distance and shape of her eyes to look like Angie, and we can plump up her lips a little more too. (She’ll still pale in comparison, particularly in the acting arena, but this is porn…not made for TV movies. There’s a difference.)
- Third, we need to put her through boot camp. Sexual boot camp. That amateur babymaking stuff isn’t going to cut it, we need her fit and trained for the big leagues. Therefore, we need to assemble a crack (heh heh, crack) team of porn starlets that can help shape our Ms. Suleman into all the ho-bag she can be. Better yet, we could make it a reality show on the Internet! Yes, “Crack Team Book Camp” could be the next internet sensation, and what's better it's already got a porno ready title! We’ll be more popular than the sneezing panda, I tell ya!
- Finally, I submit to you all a list of possible film titles we could feature Nadya Jolie in. (Which is her new stage name. Make sure this is compulsory in the contract, we’ve got to exploit that brand name.)

Womb Raider: The Cradle of Strife – Mara Frost is the world’s sexiest adventurer/treasure chunter. Her mission: to find the strongest, smartest, most powerful men in the world and have their children!
Mr. and Mrs. Filth – A married couple don’t realize that they’re each secretly porn stars…until they’re assigned to shoot a movie together. One liners, clothes are thrown at will.
Coocherfield – A giant monster rampages through L.A. eating men on the streets at random. Ms. Suleman’s hoo-hah can play the monster.
Spiderman’d 2 – She can star as “Doctor Octomom”, who’s powerful “baby cannon” will destroy all of society…unless Peter Pork’er can start getting it up again to bang her into submission.
He’s Just Not That Into You(r large vag) – Various singles romp and frolic as they try to find true love, and ways to grab the media spotlight by reproducing.
Dr. Fill – Nadya Jolie, as herself, is going on TV for advice from America’s leading faux psychologist/pervert Dr. Fill. Whatever shall happen next?

Now, should this whole scheme work, I'm going to have some demands. First, I want $750,000 of the $1 million contract. (We can always renegotiate to a $2 million contract, but my cut will increase proportionally. Consider them "Image Consulting Fees".) Hey, I'm in debt too bitches...I have student loans to pay off, plus a car. With this transformation under my belt (I swear, that was unintended. It's still funny, but unintended) I could help consult other talents into the market. This could build my reputation to the point where I could do this professionally, and I could retire in ten years, so why not run with it. Plus, with my skills of persuasion, you could see Britney Spears (she sure as shit can't sing anymore), Jessica Simpson (ditto), and Stephenie Meyer (replace sing with write, and you gotcha!) all following Ms. Suleman's example, and honing the trade they truly were created for...sucking at life.


Jeremy Feist said...

Hey, no way in hell is this bitch doing what people I actually know do way better. Besides, she doesn't exactly see her as the type.

Sarah The Anime Librarian said...

I may be getting laid off...you need a librarian/secretary for your new buisness?

I've always wanted to have a job where saying "I'm sorry, he;s on the set of Coocherfield, can I take a message for him? Uh huh? Oh I think we can have a look at the script for "Lord of the Cockring" Send it to the office." is normal. :P

Mr. Controversy said...

GAH, that sucks! They can't lay you off, Sarah...we need as many librarians as we can spare, especially with the zombie apocalypse coming. Who'll stop them from burning the books for protection? (Ok...so maybe there's a couple we can let go. Tax codes, The Twilight Saga, Lady Chatterly's Pet Ferret...small sacrifices.)

Their loss, you'd make a pretty kick assed assistant from the sound of it.

Sarah The Anime Librarian said...

Lol. Well you know, you can make the librarian from the library, but you can;t make a librarian not a librarian. Its a state of mind.

And I do plan to try to keep my side buisness...I tour new england schools and libraries (and sometimes conventions) and lecture on sci-fi, comics, anime, and all kind of geeky things.

I think all we need to do is read the Tax code and Twilight to the Zombies...they'll die of horror. :P

Mr. Controversy said...

Not a bad side business at all. That sounds pretty awesome, let me know if you happen to do Jersey anytime.

Those zombie bastards will never see us coming!