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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Tucker Carlson: The Bow Tied Thriller

A couple years back, a friend of mine told me a story. A story I’m not so surprised was true. You see, this friend was a writer for a blog back in high school, and he happened to write a big rant on Tucker Carlson. He mocked him in this particular rant, and supposedly this was enough to prompt Mr. Carlson to call him on the phone. To recap: Tucker Carlson called a high schooler on the phone to yell at him for a rant he wrote about him. Naturally, this wasn’t a pleasant phone call, and the unpleasantly wasn’t limited to Carlson’s mere douchey air. He swore, he got angry, and he generally made an ass of himself on the phone with my friend. What did my friend do? He blasted him again on the Internet. Why? Because Tucker Carlson isn’t a threat, he’s a big fat joke.

This is the guy who thought he’d be taken seriously wearing a BOW TIE to a news program. That’s right, he decided to sit at the big kids table wearing something his mother probably picked out for him that very morning. (Though as of late, he’s switched to a traditional cravate. I guess he’s dressing himself now.) This is the guy who as a contestant on Dancing with the Stars limited his dancing to moving about in a chair. Yeah, because chair dancing is so hot. (Though, to his credit, he did say, “Teaching me (to dance) is like Einstein teaching a slow child math.” It truly does take one to know one.) Most of all, this is the guy who got his ass handed to him not only by a high schooler, but by Jon Stewart himself. Most of you probably remember the night Crossfire died. If not, here’s the video:


Naturally, with his pride in tatters and the Crossfire gig gone, what’s a man to do? In the case of Brother Tucker, he went to MSNBC and got his own show Tucker, which was one punctuation away from being either a sitcom (Tucker!), a game show(Tucker?), or a chat show (Tucker!!). Sadly, for his ardent fans on LiveJournal, the show only lasted three years and was cancelled due to “low ratings”. (Though some say it’s because since 2003, Anderson Cooper was working his boyish charms on the news, and as such people really do like watching news coming from the mouth of someone handsome rather than a boorish lout.)

Which leads me to the current matter at hand. Tucker Carlson has gone off on Jon Stewart yet again. Why? Because it’s all he has left. It’s Tucker’s cottage industry: pick on someone who’s a big bully to you. I’m sure that’s why you beat a homosexual man back in high school…just your trademark boyish charm and sense of justice stepping up to the plate of civility and taking a crack at someone’s skull. I know, it was probably some youthful stupidity, everyone does something stupid when they’re young I guess. It’s just that you did something more stupid, and more hateful than others. I don’t want to hear your justification on the matter, because that’s exactly the same level of defense you’d give your targets. It isn’t fun to try and build a proper defense for yourself against someone who truly has it out for you, is it? Oh, but God bless you, you try anyway. Jon Stewart isn’t a partisan hack, you are. You’re the real “butt boy” here, by trying to play media watchdog for the Republican party. You’re transferring your own faults, flaws, and bias to Stewart, because you think that’s how the game is played. (And before you even accuse me of being a Democratic hatchet man, keep in mind I used to be a Republican and voted for Bush in ’04.)

Jon Stewart knows how to do reporting, whereas you’re nothing more than a dittoheaded pundit who likes to try and intellectually curbstomp anyone smaller than you who speaks up. Your big mistake? Stewart isn’t the “little guy”. He has experience, he’s done his homework, and at the same time he makes people laugh. He’s the class clown you wished you could be in school, but were too insecure (and mostly too boring and unfunny) to be. Take this “second round” as a lesson, you can’t fight Jon Stewart. I’m not saying that as a generality, I’m saying you personally couldn’t stand up to Jon Stewart. The last time you tried, you lost your job; now you’ve gone for round two (with Stewart in abscentia) and you’ve lost your credibility…what little of it you had to begin with. What would you like to wager on round three? I eagerly await your phone call, should you deem it necessary to attempt to demonize little old me, a person of limited audience and not very big clout. I only warn you that the audience I have, though it may not be as big as a television news show’s, it’s certainly smarter, vicious, and more efficient than any of your fans would be. We have sharp wit, and we know where to hide the metaphorical bodies you call “arguments”. You just try and take any of us on.

1 comment:

Figgylicious said...

Tucker, which was one punctuation away from being either a sitcom (Tucker!), a game show(Tucker?), or a chat show (Tucker!!).

Beautiful. That needs to be an SNL sketch or something.