Today is April Fools Day and I'm afraid instead of a clever little joke, filled with irony and verbal panache, I am here to announce something sadder than all of you could have ever imagined.I’ve decided I’ve been too negative lately, I’ve been too vocal in my criticisms, and I am indeed a chump. A big fat stupid chump with no hope for evolution beyond my third grade reading level. I’m sorry to say that today is the day I permanently retire from blogging, and the day that Mr. Controversy comes to an end.
It wasn’t an easy decision, seeing as I am indeed a chump, and the slightest of all thought processes confound me. However, in a grand and sweeping gesture to atone for the sins I’ve committed on the Internet in the past year, I’ve decided to donate money to the following obvious charities:
- $1.5 million to Fox News’s “Crusade for Truth” starring Tucker Carlson, airing Fall 2009.
- $3 million to the Snuggie corporation, for all of their hard work in shoring up our American resolve with what is essentially “Security Blanket 2.0”
- $7 million to the “Retire Stewart and Colbert” Facebook group.
- $10 million for “Upheavals, replacements, and other affairs of state” branch of the CIA.
- $200,000 to Ms. Henrietta “Granny” Carlson, for all of her hard work in raising me as her own loving grandson.
I wish all of you the best of luck, and please watch out for “Crusade for Truth” starring me, Tucker Carlson.
Sincerely, Mr. Chumptroversy
P.S. Joe the Plumber and Sarah Palin are A-OK in my book!
Why I’m voting for Obama
4 years ago