In the interest of getting myself published, I’ve decided that for now I’m taking the easy way out…I’m going to write a Self Help/Motivational book with a ridiculous title and multiple step program that parses said metaphor into multiple steps. To paraphrase the great philosopher Daffy Duck, I’m a sell out…but I’m a greeeedy sell out. Enjoy!
You…yeah you, the one sulking in the corner. What the hell is the problem? You’re afraid of swine flu? Things just aren’t what they used to be? You’re down in the dumps because of the economy? Well knock that off right now, because feeling sorry for yourself isn’t gonna help! There’s times in a person life where they can crumble under the weight of modern society, and there’s times that you just have to get your frakking bear suit on and get to work. Yes you heard me correctly, I said Get…Your…Bear…Suit…On! That should be the new mantra these days.
Right now you’re probably asking yourself, “Hey Mike, what’s with the bear suit thing? Did you go full furry retard on us?” First I would say, “Shame on you for picking on my personal proclivities, you judgmental nimrod!” Secondly I’d say, “Allow me to explain”. Here comes the explainin’! You see in the movie The Wicker Man, Nic Cage plays a cop who visits an island that produces honey and nutjob religious fanatics. He’s there to investigate the disappearance of a little girl, and is being thwarted at every turn by the creepy locals. Towards the end of the film, when their big festival shit is about to happen, he resorts to drastic measures in order to get to the truth. Take one giant guess what he does…
That’s right. He puts on that bear suit and continues to punch his way to the truth. Sure he gets to the truth, and it’s a far uglier beast than he’d wish it were, but the point is he got there! (Though it did kinda suck that he got his legs broken, and that he was lit on fire inside the giant wicker man…OH COME ON, YOU WEREN’T GOING TO WATCH IT, WERE YOU?!) Horrible consequences aside, Nic Cage did what he had to do, and it involved wearing a bear suit, so that’s the lesson I think we can take from all of this. (Besides that of “Don’t trust anyone coming from Summersisle…it’ll just end in bees.”)
Getting Your Bear Suit On:
Step 1: The legs
Getting your bear suit on is the same as putting any type of clothing/costume on. You gotta start with the legs. Without the legs, you won’t be able to run as far or as fast as you would with them on. (Plus, a bear suit kind of looks ridiculous with casual slacks.) The significance of the legs is quick response. You’re able to deal with whatever life throws at you, you’ll be able to do it fast and without wasting time.
Step 2: The paws
Next, you need the paws. Some would say the head before the paws, but personally I find that it’s hard to put on the paws with a giant bear head on you. That, and it’s more dramatic if you save the head for last. The paws, if worn and constructed right, are the things that get the hard stuff done. Grabbing things, picking them up, pointing accusatory fingers, and of course punching. Your paws must be clean, in excellent shape, and ready to rumble. The significance of the paws are that they are your main communication tool, seeing as the head of the suit will probably muffle or distort your voice. These are what you use to get your message across, use them wisely.
Step 3: The head
Everything up to this point has been preparation, because without the head you are NOT ready to face the world. The head masks your public identity, and encourages you to embrace the inner you. Not to mention, the head always controls the body in traditional physiology, so it would be useless to run around without it. Besides, you’d look ridiculous with your normal head and a bear body.
Step 4: Swing away!
You’re ready for whatever life throws at you. You have your bear suit on, and nothing can stop you…not even common sense and plot!
Now go out there and get your bear suit on! Doctor Controversy says so.
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