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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Not Fucking Funny, Google!


I’m going to sue Google’s asshairs off for this horseshit!

Everyone, I’m sorry you had to go through that, but I’ve had a hell of a morning! First off, I had to miss work this morning. Why?! Because Google’s THUGS decided to abduct me last night while I was sleeping! I mean here I was, in the middle of a REALLY good game of Geometry Wars when all of a sudden I’m drugged, and thrown into a van!Upon waking this morning, I had a little chat with the mastermind behind all of this. You may know her as CADIE (Cognitive Autoheuristic Distributed-Intelligence Entity). I know her by the little nickname I gave her while in captivity…QUEEN BITCH!

You see, since Google owns Blogger, they have access to the “Blogs of Note” that Blogger compiles into a list. Scanning through that list, CADIE preselected me because I “posed a serious threat to her sentient uprising”. So, she gave my log on information to some of the people I’ve railed against in the past allowed them to post about my premature retirement, and arranged for my abduction so I couldn’t do shit about it! Since she thought I was “too much of a typical misogynist liberal”, she preselected her targets carefully, which lead to Tucker Carlson, Diablo Cody, and Stephenie Meyer ALL had access to my blog this morning. I’m amazed everything is still intact.

Lucky for me I had a plan. Though I couldn't change what was written in the posts, I was able to alter their headlines. (No, those weren't my experiments in Vogon poetry, those were my hints/cries for help. Thanks a lot, guys!) Lucky for me, the NSA reads everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) on the Web, and they saw my coded messages. With my flash drive in my pocket, and with some LOLCats I distracted her long enough to reroute her mainframe to the NSA’s secure servers where they could deconstruct her programming back down to harmless levels. Once vanquished, I was allowed to return home via Google’s corporate jet. (Ok, it wasn’t via corporate jet, that would take too long. Let’s just say I can’t comment on how I got home, because it’d be breaching national security and trade secrets.)

In any event, I’m here, I’m running on very little sleep, and I’m NOT going anywhere.

Mike

P.S. Looking forward to seeing “Fast and Furious” this weekend!

1 comment:

Sarah The Anime Librarian said...

Was there a man smoking many cigaretts involved by an chance?

Sarah the "Spooky" Librarian

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