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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Getting Sarah Marshall’d


As some of you might know, I had a meeting with my ex this weekend. Not only didn’t it fail to lead to any hopes of reconciliation, but I was then informed that she’s been seeing someone else since she dumped me. Yeah…that’s why they call it a twist ending. I have a long, drawn out spiel chronicling the whole fucking matter, but I’m not so sure if I’m going to publish it or not. That whole nice guy thing is apparently still kicking in, even if the person we’re talking about betrayed me and kicked my heart out of my chest in the messiest, clumsiest, most icy and heartless way possible. She broke my heart twice in 10 years, and she didn’t seem to be the least bothered. As much as I tried to fight it, old instincts and anger are surfacing. I’ve got some dark times ahead of me, so I hope you all can deal with this out there. Except for her, of course. I want her to feel all that I’ve felt and then some. Call it typical bitterness or whatever you like, but it’s what I feel. I’m human, not an emotionless automaton who doesn’t strive for physical contact. I thought she understood me, but that went out the door when she asked for friendship after she admitted to seeing someone else.

I don’t want to say much more about the matter, lest it render the future publication of “A Bitter, Prolonged Truth” obsolete. However, I can give you the Cliff Notes: I was dumped for a 32 year old manager she worked with, she’s happy, I’m furious, she wants friendship, and I want to confront her. That confrontation won’t happen, so I’m left to vent and deal with others, while wishing I could tell her to her face what I think. I sort of feel bad about being like this, but do you honestly think I have a choice here? I’ll answer her email in my own sweet time, but for now if she’s looking for some sort of indicator as to how I’m feeling she’ll just have to find me here. Make no mistake, I reserve the entertainment rights to this tragedy. I get to make the uncomfortable jokes, I get to be the bitter one, and I get to hold the cards should she even dare approach the negotiation table.

And now, some jokes:

- I trusted my ex-girlfriend. That was before I found out she was a direct descendant of Judas Iscariot.

- Q: What did my ex say to her new boyfriend?
A: “Mike? Where we’re going, we don’t need Mike.”

- Q: What’s the difference between me and my ex’s Jetta?
A: As much as she wants to get rid of the Jetta, she can’t afford to.

- There’s fitting irony in the fact that one of her last gifts to me was an air freshener that said "Love", and contained a jelly heart. Apparently, that's what she thought I was made of.

Yeah, I'm not bitter.

Update: "A Bitter, Prolonged Truth" will never see the light of day, at least in the form it's in right now. Possible in a heavily edited, more clear headed form; but not in the raw, rage filled form it's in now. Thanks to the person who helped talk me out of it, you know who you are.

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