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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Glass Houses, or "The Assange Incarceration"

This is my first attempt at serious Political/Media discourse in a while, and as such I feel a bit rusty.  Forgive me if I'm not understanding the situation properly.  If I'm found to be completely off the mark, I'll gladly remove this post to avoid further embarrassment.

Julian Assange was arrested in the U.K. today after surrendering to British authorities.  According to MSN's latest report, he was rejected bail, faces possible extradition to Sweden due to charges involving "sex offenses", and to some this is all good news.  Why would one man earn such hatred, schadenfreude, and general ill will?  Simply put: he's blabbing everyone's secrets.  But those "secrets" may not even be secrets in some cases, and in other cases those "secrets" have cost people their lives and could compromise the way nations (particularly the U.S.) carry themselves diplomatically.  This naturally has hurt some people's feelings...some enough that they would want to do personal harm to Mr. Assange.

Though, to play Paranoid's Advocate, maybe his incarceration, his extradition, maybe even the charges leveled against him, are exactly what is being done to undermine his/their credibility.  Realistically, would you kill someone like Julian Assange if he posed a threat to you?  Of course you wouldn't!  World governments all around know that assassinations are messy, costly, and generally not looked upon favorably.  Throwing a man in jail, violating his credibility and convicting him of a heinous criminal offense is more cost effective, no one dies, and it works even better as a method of psychological warfare against your target.  It might sound like I've seen too many Bourne films, but this is EXACTLY what this is starting to sound like!  For God's sake, the man has an "insurance file" just waiting to be released upon his death that could potentially incriminate the U.S. and their efforts in the Afghan War.

Assange's entire story, as well as his organization, sound like something out of a cross between a classic Sci Fi dystopia and a Robert Ludlum blockbuster novel.  Mega powers of the world feel threatened by the "voice of truth", who works from the shadows, can never be physically found (because he/they are always on the move), and operate under a unified symbol.  All that's missing are pirated television broadcasts, a Guy Falkes mask, and Natalie Portman shaving her head; and we've achieved surreality.  Apparently in Wikileaks' case, they picked the wrong symbol and he's looking to be heading down the river for a little while.  Let's face it, if Assange gets the book thrown at him, Wikileaks will suffer until they choose a new figurehead.  And even then, they will still be give less benefit of the doubt when it comes to credibility, simply because they chose so poorly the first time.

What do I think of Wikileaks?   Personally, if these were/are documents of a less sensitive nature that would not harm anyone by their release, I would think nothing of it.  But if you are going to sit there and tell me that this is all in the name of "transparency", then I'm going to tell you that you are full of shit.  This isn't being done to encourage transparency, it's being done to scare the nations of the world into looking over their shoulders just a little more.  Whether Assange's intent is to directly do so, no one knows.  But directly or indirectly, that's exactly what's happening.

According to Wikipedia,  "he has been involved in the publication of material documenting extrajudicial killings in Kenya, a report of toxic waste dumping on the African coast, Church of Scientology manuals, Guantanamo Bay procedures, and material involving large banks such as Kaupthing and Julius Baer among other documents."  So he's taken on religion, vicious unstable governments, GitMo, and the banking world.  Even I'll admit, I can kinda get on board with that.  But forgive my hypocrisy when I say that his efforts with the U.S. do not even approach the "good natured" level that these other reports have exhibited.  Leaking the above is one thing, leaking war/state department intel that could cost soliders their lives and throw us into even more chaos and strife in the fields of combat and diplomacy are kind of a bigger deal.  To put it crudely: everything's fun and games until someone's compromised.

Though really, what business is it of ours?  If anything Wikileaks is the US Weekly for the "thinking person".  Instead of tuning in to see what's going on with Jessica Simpson or which Teen Mom was caught rolling a joint, we can see what the U.S. had to say about Putin's work habits, or what exactly is going on in Afghanistan.  Some might say we deserve to know what's going on since we're funding the war with our taxes, but I truly ask you, do we really have a right to know?  I'm not trying to protect the Government, they can do that themselves pretty easily.  What I'm trying to say is that perhaps leaking War Intel is not exactly the best idea while the god damned war is still going on.  You want to leak Bush and Cheney's efforts in the past?  Fine!  That could land those idiots in jail where they belong, but don't forget to screen it and make sure it won't compromise our current position in the region. 

Julian Assange may seem like a voice of truth to some, but personally I think he's a petulant child that's throwing bombs just for the sake of throwing bombs.  And if he's getting people killed while throwing his bombs, is he really that surprised that people are gunning for him?  Transparency is fine, but make sure that your glass house doesn't shatter and kill innocent lives when you throw the first stone.

Monday, December 6, 2010

The Monday GAAAH! - 12/6/10


I know, I know...it's been too long since I've last posted.  As a matter of fact, October 18th was the last post I had up here.  Wow...has it really been that long since I've posted here?  I have good excuses, I swear.  Read below, and welcome Monday back with a GAAAH!

- Excuses for being absent:

     * Excuse #1: I was participating in National Novel Writing Month (which I WON!)
     * Excuse #2: A new Harry Potter movie came out, and thus I was wrapped up with catching my girlfriend up to speed so she could see it in IMAX with me.
     * Excuse #3: Colonel Mustard, in the dining room, with the rope.
     * Excuse #4: Zombie Apocalypse... (...which was narrowly averted by one blast of Bruce Boxleitner's commanding glare.)

- Speaking of Bruce Boxleitner, anyone else excited for Tron Legacy?  I'm ready to geek out over this thing like there's no tomorrow.  (Especially since I have free IMAX passes to see it in advanced.  If you get the chance, go to 3Dshave.com and sign up!  Best to do it around Midnight though, and show up early the day of your screening!  Your pass DOES NOT guarantee you entry.)

- Also, who else missed Daft Punk?  It's good to see the boys back again, doing what they do best.  Also, they're probably the two people, save Bridges and Boxleitner, who seem like they belong to the Tron world.

- So we're going to have a Republican House and a Democratic Congress, eh?  Well, the idealist in me says "Yay!  Maybe we can cooperate!"; while the pessimist in me says "Shit, we're gonna have a gridlock on our hands the size of Texas."  Either way, it's not end of the road kids.  It's happened before, and it'll happen again.  All we can do is hope SOMETHING gets done, and prepare ourselves for the 2012 election.  (Oh, and repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell.  Seriously, if the Dems could win on something in the public eye, it would be that.)

- Tangled managed to best Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, part I this weekend at the box office.  Probably because everyone had already seen Harry Potter and needed something to watch.  (I'll be waiting on DVD for that one.)  Here's this weekend's Futile Box Office Predictions:

1: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part I
(Odd prediction, I know, but if you think about it everyone probably saw Tangled on good word of mouth this weekend.  They also probably saw Potter on opening weekend, and as such it's time for the repeat viewings while we all cry ourselves to sleep knowing that the next one isn't out until July.)

2: Tangled
(Everyone got it out of their systems, and now they're ready to go back to Harry Potter.)

3: The Tourist
(Johnny Depp + Angelina Jolie = An odd enough pairing to draw a light crowd that's wondering, 'Just how the hell does THAT work?')

Lovable Loser: The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader, because while I was bored by the first film and had no interest in the second (due to my narcoleptic habits during boring movies, and actually wanting to pay for films I stay awake for), the third one looks quite nice.  And it's probably going to do miserably, unless Fox still has some of that Avatar magic left in their bag.  If this fails, Fox will "learn the lesson" that retarded Chipmunks sell and British Literature (that isn't J.K. Rowling created) doesn't.  Plus, Liam Neeson = best Jesus Lion EVER!

Loathable Winner: Gulliver's Travels, because with the shitty 3D upconversion, updating the story to modern times, and Jack Black basically dumbing himself down to Nacho Libre levels, it's going to make enough money to convince Fox of the "lesson" I mentioned above.  (And yes, the film IS out on Christmas weekend, but it's not to early to hate.  That and Little Fockers is going to take it in the face that week anyway.  Priorities, people.)

- The Royal Wedding has once again provided us with enough tabloid fodder and televised fluff pieces to forget about the shit we should be worrying about in the world.  Honestly, I was done with this story the minute they announced it.  Congrats to two more over privileged children marrying into a marriage that will only serve the rumor rags and not do anything of consequence.

- MSN's Unfortunate Headline Coupling of the Week:
"Chicken salad recall | Pollution & gay birds"  (I thought I was reading MSN's front page, not Glenn Beck's personal blog.)

- Apologies to Glenn Beck...I'm treating you with more relevance than you're worth, and you're probably crying in a corner right now because of it.  I shall redistribute my attention elsewhere, lest you be without a reason to bitch.

This first Monday of December calls for a Holiday themed Opening Act.  And who better to kick things off than Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin with one of my Christmas favorites, "It's A Marshmallow World".



BONUS OPENING ACT: Happy 90th birthday to Mr. Dave Brubeck.  A Jazz impresario, the man gave me the best break up song ever.  Let me set the scene:

December 2000.  Vertical Limit was in theaters, and my girlfriend at the time and I were at the theater waiting for the film to start.  I knew she was going to dump me because I had a reliable source tip me off.  As we were waiting there, I wondered if she'd can me before or after the date was over.  Slight anxiety washing over me, the gods of the AMC Brick 10's sound system played a track from the Ken Burns' Jazz retrospective.  It started with light drums and a scintillating high hat, almost like a whisper that promised excitement.  A piano came in with a simple, recurring melodic pattern, signaling class and grace under pressure.  Then the sax slinked in with its airy charm, and it was at that moment I knew I was going to be alright.  It was as if the song said to me, "The world belongs to those who take it.  Take this moment and just chill, because it is yours." 

The date went on as planned, and at the end of the night she dumped me as she walked me to my door.  As she walked back to her father's car, I called out her name.

"Katherine!"

She turned, probably expecting some sort of plea for her not to leave.  Instead, she got a two word wake up call.

"I knew."

If you're a regular reader of the blog, you'll notice that this story is a retelling of part "Lesson 47", the story told in my review for Things I've Learned from Women Who've Dumped Me.  As I look back on that song, I don't see the break up anymore.  At least, it's not the primary thought.  The thoughts I predominantly have are ones of calm and power.  Should I ever encounter massive amounts of stress, this is the song I turn to.  This is my Scotch at the end of the night.  This is my ideal music to listen to as I sit in a reading chair, pouring over my current literary selection.  This is my victory song, and to Mr. Dave Brubeck and his Quartet I say "Thanks."  And to Mr. Brubeck I say, "Happy birthday, sir.  Here's to your lasting legacy of music, and forever may it reign."  Here is the Dave Brubeck Quartet with their seminal masterpiece, Take Five.  Take the world, everyone.  Make your claim.

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Monday GAAAH! - 10/18/10

 

After a particularly interesting, if not completely trying, hiatus; it's time for to GAAAH for justice and decency in the world.

- Fox and Cablevision have been at odds recently about their financial renegotiations, which has lead to an outage of all Fox stations.  Supposedly, they're asking for a substantial increase which may or may not be used to fund some of their more politically minded endeavours.  Now, I won't comment on News Corp's political activities, standings, positions, or their politics in general...but what I will say is that if your News network is a political tool, then the political funding should be coming from there.  I don't care if it's all just a part of one big happy family, divest it from the Entertainment side of the aisle so people can watch their shows.  Just because you want to fundraise and Cablevision won't let you do it, doesn't mean I have to miss House.
- I want to create a comic character who's a Hispanic Mad Genius and call him Cerebral Cortez.  Just saying.

- Nick Swardson's Pretend Time has turned out to be funnier than I ever could have imagined.  Here's one of the sketches from the premiere episode that turned me around on the whole concept.  Seriously funny shit, kids.  I recommend tuning in.

- While we're on the subject of TV, if you're not watching Boardwalk Empire, then you should be fearing the wrath of Chalky White.  Shape up and watch because he ain't buildin' no bookcase.  (Seriously, I'm starting to think that my allegiance of badassery is being shifted to Chalky thanks to 24's departure.)

- Jackass 3D was the unsurprising victor at the Box Office this week.  To paraphrase Rob Lowe, so much for movies not made by idiots succeeding at the Box Office for long.  Still, it looks like nice, dumb fun...even if I'm choosing Red over it for my Free Movie Night choice.  Here's this week's Futile Box Office Predictions:

1. Paranormal Activity 2
(More fake scary shit for those who eat it up like fucking Corn Flakes.  How this got an IMAX release is the biggest question since their decision to release Eclipse.)

2. Jackass 3D
(More shit, less eaters.)

3. The Social Network
(Because you can't kill smart THAT easily.)

Lovable Loser of the Week: The Social Network, because it'd be nice for a thought provoking film to be a runaway success again.  (Inception was the previous instance, for those of you keeping score.)

Loathable Winner of the Week: Life or Something Like It, simply because Katherine Heigl is the anti-fun and it looks so contrived that even chick flick fans might have problems with it.

- The film may have been utter shit, but Across the Stars from Attack of the Clones has to be one of the best pieces of film music in the past decade.  I'd also go as far to say that if the Star Wars series were nothing more than Anthony Daniels' pitch perfect narration, John Williams pitch perfect score, and a highlight reel of the finest moments (basically, the format of the Star Wars in Concert show) I'd gladly watch the whole saga again and again.  (Instead of just staying with I, III, and the Classic Trilogy.)

- Ewan McGregor...come back to movies.  We miss you.

- The special Halloween Short Fiction project I've mentioned in the past has been delayed.  I have a rather ambitious idea, and it looks like it's going to require some planning, some pizazz, and a lot of outlining.  So instead, the week leading up to Halloween will be the complete five part series of the project I'm working onMaybe I'll throw a title out there at some point, but I'd like to think the readers would rather be surprised.

- MSN's Unfortunate Headline Grouping of the Week:  "N. Korea's 'big threat' | Cop killed over parking space"  (While killing a cop over a parking space is a pretty dick move, I don't think it's as big of a threat as say...enriched uranium.  Unless he was killed by some sort of Super Villain weapon.)

- Still not sure if I'll be attending the March to Restore Sanity and/or Keep Fear Alive, but I love how they're building this puppy up.  Seriously hoping to be there.

- If they ever reboot Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, do you think they could get NPH to be the new Wayne Szalinski?  Also, Felicia Day would totally be the perfect Diane.

- I should get into the merchandising racket.  I wonder what I could get away with branding as "Official Mr. Controversy Merchandise"?  Better yet, if some product endorsements could wind up on my doorstep, that'd be great. 

To open this week, I'm going to include the video to Across the Stars from "Episode II: Attack of the Clones".  Again, shit movie but beautiful music...which most fans believe is the unofficial log line for the Prequel Trilogy.  Have at it, kids.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Happy Friday Video (10/8/10)

WARNING:  SPOILER ALERT FOR TRUE BLOOD, SEASON 3

I don't know what they're feeding the writers over at True Blood, but Alan Ball MUST be rubbing off on them all over there, simply because this monologue showcases some of the finest television writing to date.  Although, Alexander Woo's writing wouldn't be half as convincing if it wasn't for the acting of one Denis O'Hare, an actor whom I've had limited but positive exposure to over the past couple years.  The way he twists from bloodthirsty tyrant to cheerful newsreader is convincing, and it's probably one of my favorite moments from Season 3.  So here, with your Happy Friday Video, is Russell Edgington: Vampire King of Missisippi.




However, for those of you who are out there saying, "Where's the music, Mike?!", I have a video for you too.  This week's closing selection is "We No Speak Americano", a remix of the Italian classic "Tu Vuo Fa' L'Americano" courtesy of Yolanda Be Cool and D-Cup.  It's been blowing up the radio waves, and I can't help but love the old/new school mashups.  I'm a child of two worlds, it clearly shows.  Happy Friday, everyone.

Monday, October 4, 2010

The Monday GAAAH! - 10/4/10


A week's break has left me ready to write again...at least for now.  Monday has now officially begun.

- I was supposed to be back last week, but events prevented me from being able to write.  Mostly, drama went down and people were upset.  Needless to say, the dust has settled and all parties are relatively quiet about the proceedings.  Normally, one would expect me to go off on an expanded commentary relating to such matters, but in this case it's just not doable.  It's done, and the situation itself got too serious too quickly to even laugh.  Sorry for the gap in service.

- If you didn't see The Social Network becoming a box office hit then congratulations...you're Mark Zuckerberg.  Futile Box Office Predictions, ho!

1. The Social Network
(Kids can't get enough of the Facebook, and this seems to be the "must see to remain socially relevant" film of the moment.)

2. Life As We Know It
(Two words: Counter programming.  Another two words: Christina Hendricks.)

3. Let Me In
(I'd love to see this puppy pull a Polar Express and rise up through the charts this weekend.  It's Halloween, people.  It's time to get scared!)

Lovable Loser: Let Me In, because of the dismal first weekend it racked up this past weekend.  Yes, it's a remake, but it looks like one of those remakes that pays serious attention to the original product and adapts it in such a way that it doesn't disrespect the original.  I could be wrong, but the film community seems to be agreeing with me.

Loathable Winner: Life As We Know It, because housewifes and boring women are draw their queen shrew like moths to the flame.  (In case you didn't get that, I'm yet again calling Katherine Heigl an ungrateful, unwatchable bitch who spit on her film career the minute she badmouthed the film that made her famous.  You say it's pronounced "Hi-gal", I say it's pronounced "Fuck you, entitled fame whore, now get back to work".)

- I have a new short fiction project in the works.  The first installment was supposed to be last Friday, but sadly has been delayed.  However, I do intend for Part I to be finished for Thursday publication, with this Friday starting the weekly trend for the story's progression.  Trust me kids, it's worth it.

- Unfortunate MSN Headlines of the Week: Terror threat | Britney tattoos | Rick Sanchez  (Now THAT'S one hell of an autobiography!)

- The Cathy comic strip ended this past weekend, signifying that yes, Liz Lemon has replaced Cathy Guisewite as her comic's alter ego.  Forgive my callousness, but my opinion on Cathy as a kid was that all she did was prevent me from having a little more Calvin and Hobbes in my life.

- I miss my old best friend.

- I was planning on criticizing/mocking My Generation mercilessly, but unfortunately I'm going to have to cancel that project.  The reason is simply that the show isn't as fun to mock as I'd hoped it would be.  It's your boiler plate relationship drama where there's too many coincidences and connections to even believe it's organic.  It's too contrived and every love triangle sprouts another love triangle that just ruins any semblance of story structure.  I apologize, but I could do better.  (Besides, the show was predictably cancelled after two episodes anyway.)

- I love the Target marketing campaign officially dubbing the last weekend of October "Halloweekend".  Seriously, Halloween's always been a favorite of mine since I was a kid and it's awesome to see it get its due.

- NaNoWriMo is coming up next month, and as such I'll be developing my idea for my novel this month.  Characters will be fleshed out, locations will be (hopefully) scouted, and a cover will be designed.  For now, I'll give you info on the title and main character: the book is entitled "The Collegiate", and will be the first (of at least four) mysteries dealing with campus private detective Daniel Marlowe.  Of course, I'll be covering that over at The Bookish Kind, but I thought it'd be a good idea to cross-promote/announce things here.

- Might actually be going to the Rally to Restore Sanity, provided all the right details fall into place.  Chez from Deus Ex Malcontent and Jay from Best of the Left are both rumored/confirmed to be there as well, confirming that yes this is the "bastion of Liberalism" everyone's touting this to be.  Should I be going, I'll provide details in case any of you want to meet up.

- Christine O'Donnell has dabbled in witchcraft, hates pre-marital sex of any form, and looks like the bastard child of Sarah Palin and Rachel Ray.  In other words, she's the hardest candidate to beat (it to) in this year's Midterm Election.  (Though what does it say about us as a nation if we're looking for masturbation fodder amongst our political candidates?)

- I still have two My Abusive Relationship with Hollywood posts cooking.  Please forgive the lack of programming.

To open us up this week, I've selected a cherished classic.  Here's Henry Mancini with "A Shot in the Dark" as heard in the opening of the titular film.



As a bonus, here's Stephen Colbert pwning Capital Hill with his testimony on Migrant Workers.  It's amazing that this man wasn't allowed to run for the Primaries in 2008, but at the same time it's no surprise because he would have won.



Finally, to make up for the lack of a Happy Friday Video, here's a classic clip from "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" featuring the irrepressible Colin Mochre.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Happy Friday Video (9/24/10)

Originally this was a post to rile the angry parents who don't want Katy Perry's Sesame Street bit to air.  However, I remembered that today was Jim Henson's birthday, and in celebration decided to tone down the snark a little and pay tribute to the man himself by highlighting his work and his legacy.





Also born today is Brad Bird, the director of such classics as The Iron Giant, The Incredibles, and Ratatouille.  In his honor I include a perfect cap to the week, the end credits from The Incredibles.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Musical Anatomy: Katy Perry (feat. Snoop Dogg) - "California Gurls"


Who is Katy Perry?  Nowadays it seems like no one, not even Ms. Perry (aka Katheryn Hudson) knows the answer to that question.  What first started out as a career in Christian Rock would later turn into Top 40 gold for the unwashed masses as Katy morphed from Christian Rocker to Pop Tart.  Her trademark corporate brand of spunk and retardation has successfully weaponized girl talk; while stealing girl power away from the Spice Girls of ancient times and turning it into something even Cyndi Lauper wouldn't be able to have fun with.   Some one needed to take her down a peg...and it looks like I'm going to be the one to do it.

I suffered through "I Kissed a Girl".  I half liked "Thinking of You".  I gagged through "Hot and Cold", and just when I thought I'd had enough..."Waking Up In Vegas" happened, breaking the camel's back and setting me off on a course for revenge.  Nothing new had come out after that though, at least not until recently; at which time Katy saw fit to shit upon her loving public with the most gleefully retarded thing since Paris Hilton's singing career...the shit single California Gurls.  (Mmm...thinly veiled avoidance of copyright infringement.) 

Upon first hearing this single, I KNEW I had to tear it apart, but at the time there was no video for it.  Well, my friends, there's a video now; and let me tell you, it's even more retarded than you could imagine.  Get ready, because I think I've got the biggest musical rant since Kei$ha coming your way.  Even Katy knows it, judging by her expression at the top of the page.  Time to lock and load kids, the bullshit has hit the fan. 

[Snoop Dogg]

Greetings loved ones, let’s take a journey

Since when did Snoop Dogg become a benevolent alien?  While we're on it, when did we all become "loved ones" to the D-O-double G?  Last I checked "loved ones" meant friends and family, not the girl you're staring at from across the bar thinking, "OMG My Dad use to rock out to his old albums!  I MUST sleep with him to fuel my Daddy Issues."

[Katy Perry]
I know a place where the grass is really greener
Warm, wet and wild, there must be something in the water
Sipping gin and juice, laying underneath the palm trees
The boys break their necks trying to creep a little sneak peek

Oh Katy...do you REALLY think California's known for its green lawns?  How can you have any greenery when every summer there's another forest fire to be discovered tearing away at Mel Gibson's swinging Jesus Camp Klan Rallying Point bachelor pad?  Why don't you sing "I know a place, where the Richter Scale's jumpin'."  The only grass anyone cares about in Cali is the type you puff and pass with...Snoop Dogg.  At least you can inhale when that grass burns.  Seriously?  You DARE reference Gin and Juice in your little piece of Bubble Gum Twattery?  Shit Katy, I want to smack you in the mouth more than ever.

You could travel the world
But nothing comes close to the golden coast
Once you party with us, you’ll be falling in love
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

So either you're delusional and haven't left the country/state all that much or California has some sort of conspiracy where little girls of Elementary School age are taught to ensnare & poison anyone from out of town.  Should I expect you to be patrolling the streets shouting, "OUTLANDER!!!!!" on my visit to your financially corrupt state?  (Theories 2 & 3: She's either a Stepford Wife or a Child of the Corn.)  If California girls are the best that the world has to offer, then we're all doomed to live out our lives trying to stick our dicks into shallow trollops that look like they come from reruns of The Hills.

[Chorus]
California girls, we’re unforgettable
Daisy Dukes, bikinis on top
Sun-kissed skin, so hot will melt your popsicle
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
California girls, we’re undeniable
Fine, fresh, fierce, we got it on lock
West coast represent, now put your hands up
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

"We got it on lock?"  You made that up, didn't you?  Who SPEAKS like this?  I really want to know?  Katy, dear...you really need to hire a songwriter who knows what they're doing, because now you're coming off as retarded AND trendwhorish.  I don't see the kids saying "We got it on lock" anywhere past 5 months after the fucking t-shirt is printed.  I hate to say it, but Miley Cyrus makes more sense than you!  (And she kissed a girl too!  Theory 4: Katy Perry is the genetic base code for the recent wave of Pop Tarts, Miley Cyrus being her closest match.)

Sex on a beach we get sand in our stilettos
We freak in my jeep, Snoop Doggy dog on the stereo

Snoop, I'm embarrassed for you man.  This chick is invoking your name like you're God, only to blaspheme her way into turning your music into Pop Cred.  Whatever happened to the days when you used to roll with Dre?  At least Dre found himself some work as a producer/companion act to Eminem.  Dude, he DISCOVERED Em and brought forth a new age of Rap!  You cashed in and did Robot Chicken.  Seriously, you're the Robert DeNiro of the Rap scene.  You and Luda are just a Bieber single away from your equivalent of Righteous Kill!

You could travel the world
But nothing comes close to the golden coast
Once you party with us, you’ll be falling in love
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

I wonder what Snoop has to say on the matter, now that he's chained in Katy's basement like some sort of Rumplestilskin figure that's supposed to spin gold straw for her shit records.  Let the Dogg out, Katy.  Turn him loose and let him burst forth in triumphant fanfare!

(Chorus)
 
[Snoop Dogg]
Toned, tan, fit and ready
Turn it up cause its gettin’ heavy
Wild wild west coast
These are the girls I love the most
I mean the ones, I mean like she’s the one
Kiss her, touch her, squeeze her

Ok, that's just the beginning of the cameo.  He needs time to warm up.  Even Bobby needed to get the juices flowing before he got to work in Hide and Seek.  Shame it took 85% of the film's fucking run time for the juices to start, but then again that's old age for ya.  If the film were to be any good, he would have to had started shooting it ten years before it was released...which, coincidentally, was part of his hey day.

The girls a freak, she drives a jeep
The men on the beach,
I’m okay, I won’t play, I love the bay
Just like I love LA
Venice Beach and Palm Springs
Summer time is everything

Boy, Snoop really sounds like he wants to plug California in its Fault Line, doesn't he?  (Here's a hint...he's probably half way there.)  You're 2/3rd's done, Snoop and it's been a disaster thus far.  Don't let us down in the last act!

Come on boys, hanging out
All that ass hanging out
Bikinis, tankinis, martinis, no weenies
Just to get in betweeny
Katy my lady (yeah)
You looking here baby (uh huh)
I’m all up on you
Cause you representing California

So you start off with the laziest rhyme THAT DOESN'T COUNT, and  you finish with anointing yourself with Katy Perry as the royalty of California?  That was about as triumphant as What Just Happened, Godsend, and Everybody's Fine thrown in a blender with some watered down Vodka and second rate Pot.  Drink your ass milkshake Snoop, you've made it all by yourself.  Go collect some residuals before you embarrass yourself totally.  (Spoiler alert: he TOTALLY does in the video.)

(Repeat Chorus, decry the decline of Western Society via the collective retardation of America.  Theory 5: Katy Perry is Satan.)

[Snoop Dogg]
California girls man
I wish they all could be California girls (x2)
There’s only a few children who do what we do

Yeah Snoop, I've seen the children that do what you've done here.  It's called "Toddlers and Tiaras", and it's fucking disturbing!  Remember these are just the lyrics, folks.  The Prime Cut Fried Gold lies in the video, which does what Avatar failed to do...meet the expectations set by the public, and defy them in every which way. 


Katy Perry featuring Snoop Dogg - California Gurls (feat. Snoop Dogg)
Uploaded by EMI_Music. - Explore more music videos.


00:02 - Already, we're setting ourselves up for lashings of the old ultraviolence with this horrific image of what could possibly be the worst board game since Mall Madness.

00:05 - You're...shitting...kidding...me.  Seriously?  Snoop agreed to wear this get up, NOT blazed out of his mind while doing so?  He looks like the deleted Pimp character from Mister Rogers' Neighborhood!

00:07 - Nice to see Kirstie Alley lent the production her map of California.

00:10 - ...Snoop, I'm sorry for busting your ass about the suit, because Katy's dress is now the worst abomination on the world. (Not counting Lady Gaga's meat dress.)

00:19 - You know, Katy Perry better not get an acting career anytime soon.   If this video is anything to judge, she basically overacts the fuck out of any action given to her.  When's the last time you've seen ANYONE eat ice cream like this?  (Discounting anything you've read in Maxim or seen in Porn.)

00:24 - Here's your "Internet Avatar Friendly" moment, in which the Gummy Bears express the audience's feelings towards Katy's "God I want to smack you in the mouth" nature.

00:33 - We meet the second of the "Queens of California".  I'd hate to see how she wound up in that bubble, because if the bubble's that big you could only imagine how big the fucker that made it is.

00:40  - OK, WHAT'S WITH THE FUCKING JAZZ HANDS?!  You freed "The Broad in the Bubble".  So what?  Big fucking deal.  If it were a Titanium bubble, if it were guarded by a Dragon Vampire, or if there were ANY sort of heroism involved, I'd be impressed.  But you took your hooker heel off and popped the damn thing.  It's not a victory, it's common sense.  Stop with the annoying "YAY!" face.

00:46 - Here we see Ms. Perry practicing her "Politician's Bible Thumping Wife" act, and to be honest...she's got it right down to the "I've done shit that'd turn you WHITE!" stare.

00:51 - Don't look so surprised, Katy.  I'm sure this isn't the first time you've played with a snake.

00:54 - ...seriously, I don't think I can do that many snake jokes.  You'll get tired of them, they're a dime a dozen, and they all imply Katy Perry's a whore.  Needless to say...she looks rather comfortable riding that snake.

00:58 - What the FUCK is this?!  What is she, the Cupcake Queen of Never Ever Land?!

01:03 - This is where my "Punchability Meter" buries its needle, and I punch Katy in the mouth.

01:34 - This must be what Katy's gynecologist has to go through when he conducts his routine exam.  Green Jello and all.

01:41 - Hey look, kids!  It's Ginger McWifebeater, coming down from his Meth House to rape unsuspecting passersby.

01:43 - Cue unsuspecting passersby.

01:47 - Dear Lord, I know we haven't exactly been BFF's, but I swear if you strike these women down in their moment of trollopitude...I'll not watch the Hawaii Five-0 remake.  Scout's honor.

02:01 - The line...it has been crossed.  And apparently, it's made of cherries.

02:03 - Steven Segal's latest assistant learned the hard way that the rumors were indeed true.

02:09 - You know, the way she sticks out her tongue in this frame reminds me of my ex.  Punchabilty Factor has gone critical.

02:12 - I ask you, nay I IMPLORE all of you...what would this video have been like without the Chick cliche of a beach party?!

02:21 - REALLY?!  Do I HAVE to say anything about this bit?  Seriously, this just makes me think they could repackage this video on DVD under the title "Beat It!" and they'd be able to charge $30 for it.  (Seriously kids, Porn is expensive.  Don't buy it...just watch it online for free.)

02:32 - Now I can see why everyone hated the finale of Lost.  It doesn't even look like it took itself seriously.  (Yeah whatever, the joke's old but so's this article.  Wondering why it took me so long to dissect this turkey?  It's because I was in the hospital for three weeks after seeing this video, two of those weeks being put on suicide watch.)

02:39 - If that's not a face that says, "Someone stuck something where they shouldn't have!", then I don't know what is...

02:40 - ...and there's the culprit!

02:48 - Oh Katy, how did you know a woman eating cotton candy would be so seductive?  However did you think of selling the whole sex appeal of cotton fluff with your eyes, just in case nobody picked up on the fact that you're covered in the shit?  No, honestly, explain your thought process to me.  I'm curious.  Is it like the "thought process" of your fans who tried to eat your cotton candy scented CD?

03:06 - Could it be?  Is Snoop gonna put the hurt on Katy's Army with his Gummy Thugs?!

03:26 - Nah.  Katy and her bitches GOT THIS!  COME AT HER, SON!  Also, try and disprove my Anime Fan Boy's Wet Dream theory now, bitches!

03:52 - It is in the moment that the Pot and the general haze of Snoop Dogg's mind faded, and he realized what he had gotten himself into.  He realizes just where his image and his career are at, and just what the name "Snoop D-O-Double G" means these days.  It is a catch phrase.  A curiosity of the past, matched in its ridicule only in its longevity.  Our clown realizes his part in the farce of life, and in it he weeps.  He weeps within, never to let on that his charade is known to his inner eye.  He weeps.

Fin.

And now, a pleasant, soothing pallet cleanser.



Now that we know what real music is like, I must bid you all adieu for now.  Until next time, let us summon the Jesus Lion to nom Queen Katy to her violent end, and send Snoop back to the drawing board with a dime bag and some of that Dre magic.

Monday, September 20, 2010

The Monday GAAAH! - 9/20/10


Week in, week out, we find ourselves at the same place at the start of the week.   Say what you will about Monday, but at least it's constant.  Always there, always waiting, always a pain in the ass.  Let's get this started, shall we?

- Finally visited a Digital IMAX this weekend, and it's decent.  The sound system's on par with (if not possibly better) than an IMAX theater, simply because of how small it is.  However, the screen doesn't touch a proper IMAX's greatness, and therein lies the problem.

- Nicholas Sparks has become the Chick Lit equivalent of Michael Crichton, simply because his books are optioned for films before they're even released.  The only difference is that Crichton's books didn't suck, nor did they take the same story beats and reuse to the point of exhaustion.  The only questions you need to ask yourself while reading his works are "Who dies?", and, "From what?"

- The Town topped the box office last week, with Easy A and Devil pulling the rest of the Top 3 into place.  (Supposedly Devil is good, which puts it above Resident Evil: Afterlife, which was meh.)  Still, an America where Ben Affleck is heralded and Emma Stone is drooled over is an America I think we can say we're proud of.  Here's this week's Futile Box Office Predictions:

1. Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'hoole
(Owls, an amazing voice cast, and an IMAX 3D release all pretty much put this film at the top of this week's heap.)

2. The Town
(Gotta love Ben Affleck's comeback.  Jennifer Garner be praised.)

3. Easy A
(Good luck resisting Emma Stone for a second week in a row.)

Lovable Loser of the Day: Scott Pilgrim, because yeah...I'm still sore about that.

Loathable Winner of the Day: Catfish, because between this and Paranormal Craptivity 2, you'll see a lot of Independent films taking the "Demand It!" route of release in order to make money and boost buzz about their pictures.  How about making a good movie that stands on its own merits?

- Vegan Peanut Butter Cups are delicious.  So's making Chocolate Peanut Butter mixture with the left over ingredients.

- Seriously if you haven't seen Gone Baby Gone, correct that error forthwith.  You'll see why everyone's wetting themselves over how good The Town is.

- Pumpkin Watch 2010: Wawa is in the lead with their Pumpkin Spice Latte, Dunkin Donuts is behind.  Next contestant is Starbucks.

- MSN's Unfortunate Headline Combination of the Week: "Superbug | 'Frankenfish' | Hospital shooting".  (Guess the Mystery Meat...isn't such a mystery after all.)

- I wasn't kidding with that My Generation pledge to watch the episodes and rant about them.  I've already set my DVR and hope to have the first real time review up on Friday or Monday. 

- Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are holding twin rallies on October 30th.  In other news, this could possibly be the coolest thing to happen in recent history.  Plus, you just know attendance is going to dwarf that of the Beck/Palin rally, which is gonna piss the GOP off before the Midterms.

- Question of the Week:  Are you going to the Stewart/Colbert rally?  If so, are you marching to Restore Sanity or Keep Fear Alive?

- Blockbuster Online recently introduced Video Games into their rental policies.  Too little, too late, too bad.  Netflix should partner with Gamefly and finish them off.

Instead of an Opening Act this week, I'd like to draw some attention to a serious matter...



The T-Virus is no laughing matter.  Protect yourself. 

Obviously, this is all just a joke; so go out there and have a good Monday with your proper Opening Act, Marc Broussard.  My buddy Kyle exposed me to this guy on a road trip to PA, and listening to this song I honestly could see it playing during the opening of one of Tony Scott's movies, which would undoubtedly star Denzel Washington. 

Friday, September 17, 2010

Happy Friday Video (9/17/10)

You've seen William H. Macy before, and you've definitely seen Kate Micucci if you're a Youtube fiend (or a Scrubs fan), but you've never seen them together playing Ukelele before!  Unless you've seen this video and I'm just late to the game.  Anyway, it's a fun little song and it's a Happy Friday Video so take it or leave it.  Most of all, have yourselves a good weekend.

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Monday GAAAH! - 9/13/10


OK, so the last reboot I attempted crashed faster than The Incredible Hulk's box office numbers.  Let's try to put it past us and get a little more of a head start today with guest blogger Mark Ruffalo.



Just kidding kids, you've still got me to deal with.  So strap in, and get ready to start the week with a GAAAH!


- R.I.P. Kevin McCarthy.  For an 80's kid, you sure were a great heavy.  I'll always remember your performance Innerspace, and I've yet to experience your Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but perhaps now's a good of a time as any.  You will be dearly missed.

- Back to Mark Ruffalo for a second there, is it just me or did he have some pretty nice suits in Shutter Island?  In other news if you haven't seen Shutter Island, you "best unfuck yourself" and see it.  (No, that statement does not mean R. Lee Ermey is guest hosting the blog next week.  Though could you imagine what a blog of his would read like?  Pure Silver, that's what.)

- Resident Evil: Afterlife killed the Box Office last weekend, though it's hard to find any IMAX theaters playing it in my area.  One's still playing the Avatar Special Edition (boo!) and one's still playing Inception (Big Frickin Yay!).  Here's this weekend's Futile Box Office Predictions:

1. The Town
(Affleck, Renner, Hamm, Lively, Postelthwaite...how much more reason do you need to see this film's potential?  Spoiler Alert: Ben Affleck is going to continue his career as a hot shot director.  He's showing some serious chops.  Seriously, Ben...write a film with Matt again and direct it with him and your brother starring!  It's GOLD!)

2. Easy A
("I could resist Emma Stone".  No...no, you couldn't.  Don't even try to pretend otherwise.  If Superbad didn't get you, Zombieland did and you're just afraid to acknowledge it.  It's ok.  Let it wash over you like a shore of universal truth.  We're all Emma Stone's bitches.)

3. Resident Evil: Afterlife
(Yeah, still need to see it.  The 3D sounds cool and I love me some zombie hunting.)

Lovable Loser of the Week: Catfish, because it's in such limited release that I can't see it this weekend!

Loathable Winner of the Week: Devil, because you know it's going to make money.  Morbid curiosity/bad taste reign.

- Unfortunate MSN Headlines of the Week: "Longest California roll | 100 cats run wild in IKEA"

- BP claims the spill "probably won't top $20 billion" in damages, falling only $12 billion short of their $32 billion estimate for payment.  Keep filling up at BP, kids!  Make sure they can pay for the mess.

- Summer's finally done and over.  Now we all must turn our watchful eyes to our savior The Pumpkin.  It is delicious as it is wise, and we should welcome its return to all of our food products.

- Midterms are coming up, and as such I expect we'll start to see some races really heat up in the next couple weeks.  Anyone care to handicap/predict which races will be the most contentious, who the "shoo-ins" will be, and most of all will Basil Marceaux.com win his bid for Governor of Tennessee?

- I was doing dishes last night, and came across a horrible sight.  While washing a particularly icky dish, I actually let out a GAAAH, to which one of my best friends replied, "Shouldn't you be saving that for tomorrow morning?"  It's nice to be recognized, especially by good friends. :D

- What is it with women and taking pictures of their feet when they have fancy shoes on?  Either it's a fetish, women are in love with their shoes, or the ladies are trying to please Quentin Tarantino by amassing their best foot shots on one centralized Internet database.

- The Incredibles needs to go to Blu Ray.  WAITING, DISNEY!!!

- Visit your Local Library.  No, seriously, go over and check something out.  They miss you, and they usually have a wide selection of neat stuff.  Librarians, like The Doctor and Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, are cool.

- The day they make a porn parody of House, M.D. is the day I start to wish Hugh Laurie would summon Stephen Fry to lull said spoofers into a comfortable sleep...so that they may beat the ever loving shit out of them.  You just don't mess with some things, Porn People.  (Also, why has it taken so long for Stephen Fry to be asked to guest on House?  C'mon, this should be a naturally occurring thought and we should have had two recurring guest spots and a crossover in the Sixth Season premiere.)

- Anybody else ready to rake leaves in an Argyle sweater whilst drinking a Pumpkin Spice Latte?  Just me.  #HipsterFail

This week's opening act was randomly found during a Ska binge I went on recently.  (Blame nostalgia.)  Here are The Toasters (of Ka-BLAM! fame) with "Don't Let The Bastards Grind You Down".  Give 'em Hell out there this week, kids!

Friday, September 10, 2010

My Abusive Relationship With Hollywood: Episode 8 - My Generation Sucks, or "Proof that ABC has the biggest vagina"


 This column has been inactive for quite a while, and frankly I have no excuse for it.  None at all.  This whole blog has been inactive for quite sometime as well, and the only thing I can say is that Writer's Block seems to be more powerful in the Summer than in the Fall.  Nevertheless, it's time to resurrect old columns, and attempt to make the words flow again.  And what better way to do that than to indulged in a specialty of mine...bitching about Hollywood!  It is with this that I bring to you, the triumphant return of My Abusive Relationship With Hollywood.

 

When Roger Daltry sings, "I hope I die before I get old", he's not talking about life but he's talking about relevance.  From what I interpret, the point of the lyric is that he'd rather die than become an irrelevant statistic that serves more of a collective than an individual identity.  In other words, he'd rather die an outcast than live as a sheep whose needs are marketed to, catered to, and packaged towards.  Whether he succeeded or not is up to the fans and himself, but in any case the point remains: would we rather leave this Earth when/if we mellow or is it still worth it to live as one of the faceless crowd?  It's a question we pose to ourselves every time we look in the mirror, and when do we start asking this question?  In fucking High School.  How better than to bring this question into the public consciousness than by creating a pretentious, schmaltzy, trope laden, flimsy excuse for ratings that looks more like Grey's Anatomy meets The Yearbook Club than an actual network drama.  Behold the bastard child that is, "My Generation".


 
Trope-a-licious, is it not?  In just 30 seconds, we have the stereotypes and their destinies laid out:

- Blond Girl - 2000: "I'm a perky actress wannabe" / 2010: "I'm a mom...but I still 'wannabe' an actress.  *giggle* "
- Alex P. Keaton, the Second - 2000: "I'm going to be a Republican Candidate!" / 2010: "I burned out big time...and I knocked someone up BIG time."
- Token Black Guy/Football Player:  2000: "WHOO! / "2010: "WHOO IRAQ!"

I'm sorry, but this show promo is the equivalent of an annoyingly perky blond from Market Research standing in front of a focus group shouting, "Doesn't that look AWESOME, you guys?!  Don't you want to just DVR that shit and wallow in the fact that while you were full of piss and vinegar ten years ago, you've mellowed out to a bitter shell of your former self?!  YAY CLASS OF 2000!"  Sure, the promises of youth versus the unfulfilled future have been one of the greatest sources of pathos throughout the history of fiction.  But quite frankly, it's never been THIS douchey.  At least, I can't remember it being that douchey, I could be wrong.  After all this is, "A drama series unlike anything on television".  (Which in industry talk means, "A drama series JUST like anything on television, only with a different cast.")

Still, pre-existing history or not, you can't escape the fact that this commercial is marketing to a specific demographic, specifically plotted on the timeline of recent events where they're still young enough to remember accurately but not old enough to remember idealistically.  And according to ABC, our generation is one of hipster douchebags who've either compromised ourselves to fulfill our dreams and be with the people we want to be, or we've just dashed it all away entirely and are struggling to get it back.  So we're either an unhappy overachiever or an ambitious burnout, which is humorous to think about when you contrast it with the fact that the reverse used to be true.  I get it:  Nostalgia plays, we've got a new demographic entering that prime real estate in the middle of the 18-35 year old demographic, and what better way to capitalize on that than give these people the stereotypes they best identify with, combined with the everyday angst the audiences for this show are probably feeling while watching it.  Remember, the people who are playing the parts of the protagonists were ambitious High Schoolers once too...they just somehow got to their goals earlier than you.

Perhaps the most damning part of all is while they aren't showing it, you can bet your ass there will be at least one "Ugly Duckling" in the bunch.  You know...the stereotype they made movies about back when we were STILL IN High School.  Apparently, they aren't so popular once we graduate, because as we all "know" the awkward kids graduate and become successes.  Not always the case, but we're going by popular perception here, so let's run with it.  What's wrong with marketing success stories?  How about the nerdy kid who started a dot com and managed to retire early?  (Without being an asshat, mind you.  I understand "The Social Network" has all but said caveat covered.)  How about the Goth girl who somehow got it together and managed to live a fruitful life free of the social pressure and depression she might have faced, to become a better person?  What about the Gay teenager who comes out of the closet and sheds off all of the social stigma they felt they endured during less tolerant times?  Why do we always focus on the same three archetypes when we revisit the same goddamn personal era of achievement?  Give us something new, for fuck's sake!

This is all by the numbers bullshit, and just because it's focusing on people our age instead of a previous generation, it's supposed to be something "unlike anything on television". Again, you transplanted the whiny nature of Grey's and transplanted it into a pseudo Breakfast Club sequel that not even Stephenie Meyer would touch with a sparkling ten foot pole. It's like EVERYTHING we've seen before! In fact, I'm going to call a couple things out:

* The football player is going to be uber sad that he's in Iraq and wish he had his glory days back again. (And 10 to 1 he gets traumatically injured/handicapped/dies. Remember, I saw The Hurt Locker.)
* Burnout politician/surfer dude will reunite with ex-girlfriend/hook up (who's probably seeing/married to someone else) and will join her in a union of matrimony to sanctify their bastard spawn.
* The actress will be more humble, less spotlight hogging, and a "sensitive soul looking for guidance in the storm of the now". (In other words, no change, just age. Remember, Glee's still on the air.)
* One nerdy kid will succeed and they will never be spoken of again.
* One "Gay kid" will come out and they will never be spoken of again. (Remember, Glee's still on the air.)
* Someone will actually be happy with their life...and they will never be spoken of again.
* This show will be cancelled during mid-season sweeps, or at most will not live to see another season. (So don't buy the "Season 1.0" DVD set, instead wait for the "Complete Season 1 Series" box set.)

You want to know how our generation is going to be remembered, if we go by the "historical records"?  We're the first kids to be spoiled and eventually dumbed down by technology.  We're the first kids that thanks to said technological "liberation" became the first in a line of more demanding, more consumer minded, and more vapid citizens than ever.  We can't do anything unless a famous person tells us to do it first.  We can't buy anything unless it's gotten that seal of approval from someone who we think we know.  We can't live unless we're comfortable, and we can't be comfortable unless we have what we want, and we can't have what we want because we don't want to work for it.  So we sit at home, lamenting our station in life, and watch shit like this!  What the fuck happened to the dreamers, the innovators, the writers, the individuals, and the leaders?  Nothing...they're just too busy on Facebook, Tweeting about how Jersey Shore was so intense this weekend and how they're gonna go drink their feelings because OBVIOUSLY the world wants to know about them and only them!  Face it, we're a generation conditioned to respond to fame, and in doing so we think we're guaranteed a piece of that fame to ourselves because when we actually chose to listen and obey, it wasn't to our authority figures.  It wasn't to ourselves.  It wasn't even to the positive role models in our lives.  It was to some moron who found the shortcut before we did, and we will do ANYTHING to get there ourselves.  All this show does is perpetuate it a little further, and enclose us in the balm of self pity through fictional catharsis.  If they succeed, we succeed through transference.  Which, is a load of shit when you think about it.  Not to mention, we're going to be remembered as a generation that allowed Limp Bizkit to become chart toppers.



Do you want to succeed?  Shut the TV off.  Log out of Facebook.  After you're done reading this, think to yourself about what you wanted in life, how you got sidetracked, and how you can get there again.  Then get out there and contact an old friend from High School.  Ask them the same questions, and get to talking about the good old days past, and the ones yet to be.  We can do better than this, people.  We can steer ourselves out of this Hell hole we're creating and do something better.  We have minds, voices, and souls; and all should be put to good use.  As for me...this is what I want to do with my life.  I want to write.  Not much, not a very glamorous profession, but I love the fuck out of it.  And you know what?  I bet I could out do "My Generation" any day of the week.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Happy Friday Video (8/20/10)

I love a good breakup song, but hate breakups.  What the fuck is the deal with that?  I also happen to love the musical stylings of one CeeLo Green, who's been featured previously on the site.  Throw the two together and you have a cheery, upbeat break up song about the other guy not knowing what he was getting himself into.  This would have definitely helped me last Spring, and I think I know a friend who might have appreciated this last Summer.  To that friend, I dedicate this song.  Happy Friday, kids!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The Power of the Image, or "A Picture's Worth An Hour of Therapy"

I had a scare today, and it nearly derailed me for the evening.  My girlfriend, the beautiful basket case she can be at times, was overly stressed over matters that had crossed her mind.  She'd hit one of those "I feel trapped" moments and she'd begun to tell me what was going on.  I admit, it made me rather skittish myself.  I hit my own temporary doldrums and started to feel stressed and slightly depressed myself.  While this was happening, I was taking a training course for work, and just when I'd gotten into "cope by working harder" mode, I saw this...

This image, presented in the course, is goofy.  Not the funny type of goofy, but the groan inducing type of goofy.  On a surface level, it's not even that funny, and on a normal day I wouldn't really crack up upon viewing it.  But today it made me laugh for a seconds long torrent of giggling.  Is it the briefcase music stand?  The "slo-mo" effect of the man's conducting, or even still the second rate Nathan Fillion look he has about him?  (Note: This would have been MUCH funnier with Nathan Fillion.  Just saying, the man makes me laugh.)   Whatever it is, it gave me the storm breaking laugh I needed.

The big, overarching point I guess I'm reaching for here is that we all need our own "Business Conductor Man" moment daily, for if we don't we'll surely melt into madness.  It's the small releases during our daily existence that stop us from killing a random passerby, or jumping from a moving bus into a sea filled with hungry parasites, piranhas, and postal workers.  (Note: Alliteration knows no sense of reality.)  Without them, we become saddened, angered, or just downtrodden.  I'm going to go home tonight, and I'm going to try and show my girlfriend something that will be her release.  To help her find her own equivalent of the "Business Conductor Man" would be a win of the day, simply because I know it would make her smile again while drawing her away from that brink we all find ourselves facing down.

In the meantime, I hope this piece of digital acreage I run can function as your own "BCM" moment of the day.  Though judging by some of the audience I attract here, I tend to inspire some to need a BCM rather than serve as one.  So in case you're from that demographic, I'd like to close with an image that may cater to your BCM needs.

Monday, August 16, 2010

The Monday GAAAH! (8/16/10)


I'm back, kids!  Did you miss me?  I'd certainly hope so, but I could understand if you didn't.  Not missing me simply means you've been following me on Facebook and Twitter, which is awesome too.  However if you didn't miss me and you haven't been following, then I don't know what to say, except that I'm sorry you've been brainwashed into being a Perez Hilton fan.

Recommended listening: The /FilmCast, particularly The Tobolowsky Files.  I've survived many a day at the office with either the straight up film/TV analysis or Stephen Tobolowsky telling me stories about his life and profession.  Both are highly enjoyable, both are highly listenable.

MSN Hilarious Headline Coupling of the Week: "New monkey species found | Snooki's trademark bid"  (My advice...find an existing species of Monkey and just join up with them, Snooki.  Why risk it with a species that might be as widely accepted as the idea of Jersey Shore Season 3?)

- I am Iron Man.  Just kidding...the suit's in the shop until Tuesday, so I'm just Man for now.

- The Expendables and Eat Pray Love were the top two films this weekend, proving that Juiceheads and Soccer Moms still go to the movies when prompted to by their overlords.  In other news, please welcome our new Cult Classic, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.  Here's this weekend's Futile Box Office Predictions:

1. Vampires Suck
(Twilight fans will see it out of curiosity, Stupid Moviegoers will see it not knowing it's a Seltzer/Friedberg abortion because they took a year off from making horrible films, I'll go cry in a corner knowing it's going to pull money from the two groups of moviegoers I despise the most.)

2. Piranha 3D
(3D is still a viable gimmick, and this film looks fun enough to take a chunk of the August pie; which is always available to throwaway entertainments.  See above.)

3. The Other Guys
(The film's had strong legs so far, and it's a moderate enough draw that people can still be going to see it for the first time this weekend.)

Lovable Loser: Scott Pilgrim, because it deserves a higher Box Office draw, but at the same time is modest enough to have a Kevin Smith effect on Edgar Wright's career.  Oh Edgar Wright...we need your voice in this world of Sparkletards and Douchebags.

Loathable Winner: Eat Pray Love, because if a woman running around the world bitching and eating is a box office sensation, just WAIT for Sex and the City 3: Tarts A La Carte.

- Speaking of Sex and the City, you know who should have been cast in that show?  Sarah Jessica Parker (from her L.A. Story/Hocus Pokus days), Kim Catrall (from her Porky's/Mannaquin days), Vanessa Williams (from the days of her Pop Career) and Carrie Fisher (from her Return of the Jedi days).  Go ahead and doubt me, but you would have had all of the men glued to the televisions between 1987 and 1994.  Back when HBO was still labeled as the "risk taker".

- Sega never got a fair shake in the Console Wars.  The Saturn and Dreamcast both seemed pretty damn neat.

- Republicans: instead of bitching about the "Ground Zero Mosque", why not look at this on the bright side:  A.) There isn't another World Trade Center standing for them to attack and B.) You could easily monitor the "terrorists" in their place of gathering.

Democrats: instead of bitching about the Republicans bitching, read my remark above and shake your head at how not only is there still NOTHING being built on Ground Zero, but that you know this Mosque is going to see some serious shit once it opens.

- Star Wars has just been announced on Blu Ray for 2011.  I'll be buying those...when I find a generous buyer for my complete collection of Episode I Action Figures/Pepsi Cans.   Suck it, Lucas.

- I've made Steven Weber laugh...or at the very least he noticed me on Twitter and tweeted back.  Nothing major, just really cool news from a boring, quiet weekend.

- Steven Slater is not a hero...he's just a fussy douchebag who wanted to make a splash, and didn't want to spill his booze along the way.  The quicker we burn this dickweed's celebrity flame out, the better.  (Speaking of which, is America still obsessed with that Bieber fuck?)

- Another Segway: Apparently Bieberino gave some kid in Detroit's phone number out on his Twitter.  Way to go Biebster.  That qualifies as a big #DickMove.

- Tila Tequila was pelted with rocks and bottles by some Insane Clown Posse fans this weekend.  I'd make fun of it, but when you read the details of the situation it tends to make fun of itself.  (Never knew Juggalos had an affinity for flinging shit.)

- Watching Jersey Shore, I'm quite surprised Snooki and Ronnie are the only two arrested this season.  Getting to know J Woww, I would have thought she'd have killed someone by now.  Bitch is fierce!  (Needless to say, she's one of the favorites of my girlfriend and I.)

- Sam Fischer and Jack Bauer need to start a franchise together.  Bauer/Fischer adventures would make AWESOME video games.

This week's opening act is here after collecting 50 rings and jumping through the hidden ring of stars.  (Didn't think anyone would find it next to the Justine Bieber CD's.  You know damn well that wasn't a typo.)  Here's the Nerd Army with their cover of the Sonic 2 Special Stage theme.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Happy Friday Video - 8/13/2010

I know I've been away for a while, but anytime is really a good time to come back to the blog.  And what a way to come back than on a high note.  You might recognize the stylings of the Tokyo Ska Orchestra Paradise if you've played Incredible Crisis, or are just a fan of all things Japanese.  You might also recognize this tune if you were a Cartoon Network fan back in the days they ran Lupin the Third.  Or you could recognize neither element to this video and just be a music lover.  Whatever the case, Friday is a good time for high energy Ska, and this is a perfect example of just that.  Here's the Tokyo Ska Orchestra Paradise with their cover of the Lupin the Third theme.