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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Friday, February 19, 2010

Shutter Island - The G Rated Version

Shutter Island opens today, and I'm excited as ever. What looks like a taut psychological mindfrak is sure to be an excellent Scorsese/DiCaprio picture as well. Unfortunately, it's rated R, which means that if you have kids you're either going to have to get a babysitter or wait until DVD to watch the film. Well I say balls to that! That's why I've rewritten Shutter Island as a four panel film! Using screencaps of the Google Video ads for the film, which capture the most important and intense emotional and thematic moments of the film, I will rewrite the film in a kid friendly manner. All unpleasantness and foul language will be substituted by a story suitable for both child and parent alike. And yes, the twist ending is in tact, so spoilers kiddies!


"I'm U.S. Marshall Teddy Daniels. I've taken a trip to Shutter Island with my good pal Chuck Aule to visit 'Dr. Cawley's House of Pie'. Right now, we're just sitting down to a nice slice of cherry pie. I love pie. Chuck loves pie. Chuck loves cherry pie. Oh no! They've run out of cherry pie! That's Chuck's favorite. I hope he does not know."

"FUCKERS! COCKJUGGLERS! TWATSMOKERS, THE LOT OF THEM! THEY RAN OUT OF MOTHERFUCKING CHERRY PIE, GODDAMN THEM! I'M GOING TO SET THIS PLACE ON FIRE! I'M GONNA DO SOME REALLY FUCKING DAMAGES TO THIS OVERPRICED WHOREHOUSE UNLESS I GET MY GOD-FUCKING-DAMNED CHERRY PIE YOU FECKLESS CUNTLAPPERS!"

"Whoa...relax there, Chucky boy. There's plenty of pie, cherry and otherwise, in my special room over here. Why don't you and Teddy step inside and join me for a slice? There's some ice cold milk in here too. Mmm, you like milk, don't you? That's right boys, into the restraints you go. I'm not gonna hurt you, it's for your own safety. This pie tastes so good, you won't be able to sit for weeks!"

"As it turns out, there was no pie factory. It was actually 'Dr. Cawley's House of Anal Rape and Pancakes'. Chuck didn't survive the first gangbang, and I'm being expected back in for a second. The horror. The goddamned horror. There was never any pie. I guess that's life in a nutshell: someone promises you pie, and the next minute you're taking it up the ass from some nutjob with a hockey stick and a pancake hat. I fucking hate pancakes."

Fin

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