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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also a film journalist/critic for Cocktails & Movies and CinemaBlend, as well as the author of several short stories such as "The Devil v. George W. Bush". Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: mikereyeswrites@gmail.com

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Monday, April 5, 2010

The Monday GAAAH! (4/5/10)

Welcome back everyone! Hope you all had a nice weekend, seeing as it was the first weekend with consistently nice weather. Now once again the world is waiting at your door with all of its ferocity. Let's kick it in the balls so it'll scream GAAAH!

- What is it with rap songs and soccer analogies lately? I mean I understand the whole "kick it" thing could lead to it, but honestly if soccer is the first sport you can analogize with sex then maybe you're doing it wrong. (For the record, I analogize sex with hockey. You yank your shirts off the same way, it can get quite rough and angry if you let it, and there's a penalty for high sticking.)

- Clash of the Titans kicked loads of ass at the theaters this weekend, which is surprising considering the advance press for the rush job on their 3D conversion. More surprising is Gopher Cunt McSnaggletooth's collaboration with Nicholas Sparks managed a second place finish. For the record, if I could train a dragon, its first objective would be to roast and crunch Miley and her "loving" father. Dragons get hungry too, kids. Here's this weekend's Futile Box Office Predictions.

1. Clash of the Titans
(Because fail loves an audience.)

2. Date Night
(Also known as the NBC crossover episode Fox made into a movie.)

3. How to Train Your Dragon
(Kids aren't going to let this die without a fight.)

Lovable Loser of the Week: How To Train Your Dragon for getting pushed around by the non-threatening, non talented dick spurt of Billy Ray Cyrus.

- The Republican Party is calling for Michael Steele's head on a silver platter. Anybody else think this is his best chance to get out of trouble by doing the Humpty Hump? This just helps reenforce the belief that there's going to be Tea Party candidates all over the nation this fall. If the Dems are smart, they won't fuck this up like they did Massachusetts. (I cast my vote for Huckabee to be party chairman, should Steele be removed. He's a nice guy, a good sport, and seems to be genuinely down to Earth. If the Republicans want to really challenge Washington leadership, they should be taking the "kill them with kindness" route. Just strategizing, is all.)

- 24 has its mid-season two hour event tonight. SPOILERS: Chloe O'Brien and Renee Walker better leave this season unscathed, and if President Logan double-crosses the nation again, Jack should stake him through the heart with an American Flag. THERE'S your series finale!

- Good Morning America had a feature this morning touting maternal advice from Dancing with the Stars contestants Niecy Nash, Pamela Anderson, and Kate Gosselin. Right...like I'd want mothering advice from a cop from Reno 911 turned Celebrity Gossip/Reality show maven , a Playmate who thought it was a good idea to marry a rock star from Motley Crue, and a shrillish harpie cunt who's only used her kids for notoriety and fame. That's like me asking Stephenie Meyer for relationship advice. (Though I wonder, did they think of having Nadya Suleman moderate the discussion.)

- Was Clash of the Titans really THAT bad?

- Unfortunate MSN headline pairing of the week: "Carla Bruni cut from Woody Allen film Head found"

- Heidi Montag says she was tricked into saying she was going to divorce her Tool Academy ready husband in a promo for The Hills. Right, because that's such a horrific and difficult feat to accomplish.

- Baseball season has started. That's it. No euphoria, no detriment; I know it's here and I don't need fifty thousand Facebook statuses proclaiming it to be the next messiah. It just is. (That said, shame the Yanks were spanked by the Sox last night. Hope the Mets can actually pull it together and manage to actually win a championship this year. Good luck on the Citi Field opener, boys!)

- Christopher Nolan is a Filmmaking God. How The Dark Knight went empty handed at the Oscars is beyond me.

And now, to play us into the week, Mr. Hugh Laurie introduced by Mr. Stephen Fry!

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