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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Friday, May 14, 2010

Musical Anatomy: Justin Bieber – Baby

That's right kids, after unexpected delays Musical Anatomy is back! Just when the music industry thought it was safe, it's time yet again to tear apart a stupid song like soft bread. Before the fun starts though, I'd like to once again mention that I've drawn some hate mail for my previous analysis of Kei$ha's "Tik Toc". Which of course is awesome! With pieces like this, I consider it my job to upset the fans of the musical acts in question. Mostly because I like to think that the people that read this blog are the fine types of people that don't enjoy these acts and welcome their skewering...and of course, my ex and her spies. (Don't ask me how THAT works, it just some how does.)

This installment's target is none other than Pedobear bait/inexplicable pop star Justin Bieber. This little shit popped onto the scene recently, and at 16 he's poised to fall into obscurity a year ahead of schedule. Seriously, how do little girls find this pussy attractive? I look at his face and I'm inspired to either punch him in the face, or ask him an important question...

Is he a horse? Could he have been sired through some bastard miracle via Mr. Ed and Sarah Jessica Parker in her early days? (Sorry, Matthew Broderick...your wife is scary. You, on the other hand, rock.) We'll never know, so for now...it's time to spin some pain. You know the drill: the lyrics get picked apart, then the video gets MST-ed in a lovely crafted, properly timecoded frenzy of hatred. I'm warm all over thinking about the damage I'm about to do. (Or it could be the spilt coffee. That's a contender at that.)
Ohh wooaah Ohh wooaah Ohh wooaah
You know you love me, I know you care
Just shout whenever, And I'll be there
You want my love, You want my heart
And we will never ever-ever be apart

Ok, this kid's 16. I want that firmly ingrained into all of your minds. This kid can barely learn to drive at this point, and he's already throwing out the L Word at random intervals. Have video games completely passed this kid by? Did he look at the Football team and think, "Nah. I'd much rather cut off my balls than play a sport"? (If so, then how the fuck did he NOT get hooked on Video Games?!) This just proves why girls love Justin Bieber...he sounds about as controlling as a male lead from Twilight.

Are we an item? Girl quit playing
"We're just friends" What are you sayin?
Said there's another and looked right in eyes
My first love broke my heart for the first time,

"Are we an item?" Excluding paparazzi, who the fuck uses that term. "Are we an item?" Yes Justin, you're indeed an item...a spiked dildo specifically designed to penetrate the ear drums as painfully as possible. At least, that's what it sounds like when you started wailing at the top of the tune. (Though to be fair, the kid's lost his girl to another, so maybe this is his way of dealing with the pain. Much like a wounded Swan, the Bieber whines itself to sleep.)

Chorus: And I was like Baby, baby, baby oohh
Like baby, baby, baby noo
Like baby, baby, baby ooh
Thought you'd always be mine, mine

If I were a person of lower intelligence, I'd say that chorus is catchy. But being of superior (not perfect) intelligence, it sounds like a rat clawing its way out of a cat's asshole.

Baby, baby, baby oohh
Like baby, baby, baby noo
Like baby, baby, baby ohh
Thought you'd always be mine, mine

Somewhere, a poor cat is in immense pain.

oh oh
For you, I would have done whatever
And I just cant believe we ain't together
And I wanna play it cool, But I'm losin' you
I'll buy you anything, I'll buy you any ring
And I'm in pieces, Baby fix me
and just shake me til' you wake me from this bad dream

Again, this kid is 16, and he's promising a ring?! Am I missing something here? People of Canada, are you really this advanced in your personal timelines that you're married by 18, have kids by 22, and retire by 40? There's a fine line between precocious and not understanding adulthood, and much like the Olsen Twins before him, Justin doesn't understand which is which.

I'm going down, down, down, down
And I just can't believe, my first love won't be around

(repeat chorus, poke eardrums with spiked dildo for fun)

Kid, you're gonna find that your first love is statistically never going to come back to you, and even if she did, it's not a sign that she's the one...it's just a sign that you were stupid enough to get fooled again. Go and find someone else, and stop obsessing over this girl who you probably dated for half an hour between periods. (Adolescence works like that.)

Luda, When I was thirteen, I had my first love
There was nobody that compared to my baby
And nobody came between us
that could ever come above
She had me going crazy
Oh I was starstruck
She woke me up daily
Don't need no Starbucks
She make my heart pound[wwwhhhooo]
and skip a beat when I see her in the street
and, At school, on the playground
But I really wanna see her on a weekend
She knows she got me dazing
Cuz she was so amazing
And now, my heart is breakin'
But I just keep on sayin'..

Oh Luda. Luda, Luda, Luda. You truly are the Al Pacino of the music industry. You've really hit a new paycheck whoring low here. (And I happen to like that Taio Cruz song you're featured on.) I guess you were right when you said you were only going to break our collective hearts. We should have listened, us foolish foolish listeners. How am I supposed to trust your recounted tale of your first love at thirteen when you've proven yourself incapable of handling my heart, as well as the hearts of all the other disappointed listeners out there.

(Repeat Chorus, gouge eardrums out of necessity.)
(Now I'm all gone)
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
Yeah Yeah Yeah
(Now I'm all gone)
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

(Now I'm all gone)
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
Now I'm all gone, gone, gone, ooh
I'm gone

Justin Bieber, I wish you were more than gone...I wish you never existed. Please tell me the video is (somehow) more easily accessible than the song. (/falsehope)

00:01 - Justin heeds his mother's warning to "bundle up, otherwise you'll catch cold" and ignores the fact that the camera is on.  J. BIEBS DOESN'T SEEK YOUR APPROVAL, MOM!

00:15 - This video has been filmed in "Overbearing Stalker-Vision".  Apparently, the kids LOVE the Overbearing Stalker Cam.

00:18 - "Ok, seriously...how gay is it to sing a love song while bowling.  Honestly, if he can't bowl worth a damn, how is he going to respect you, Maria?"

00:21 - Acting people...something only one of these kids can do without looking at the camera.

00:22 - $10 says he hired a stunt bowler.  (Hope he doesn't screw us on the Canadian exchange rate if he wins, the little fuck.)

00:24 - "Phew! For a moment there, I thought I was going to have to make up with the Jonas Brothers.  Joe's such a little bitch when it comes to apologies."

00:25 - Ok, NO kid gets that excited about bowling.  I'm calling massive bullshit on this, unless this is another one of those Canadian differences.  I swear, it's like they're an alternate dimension and the border is a rift between our two worlds.  (Which would explain Robin Williams and Mike Meyers.)

00:27 - Justin Bieber is still sad he was beaten out for a part in The Karate Kid remake, as shown in his "Wax On/Wax Off" technique.

00:31 - I think Justin just flashed the International Distress Signal.  Either he's being held captive against his will, or he's signaling the cameras to turn off so he can go on a Christian Bale style rant.

00:33 - That guy in the back, center frame...he totally just creamed his pants over a frame of bowling.  The wobbling pin is symbolic of his orgasm.  Sneaky move, Bieber.  Sneaky.

00:39 - Apparently Justin's been studying at the "Jacob Black School of Women Management".

00:41 - It's not effective!  She begins to shank him with a pocket knife and berate him about how to truly treat a woman.  (Those Team Edward bitches are savages, I tell you.  Savages!)

00:42 - Justin Bieber died for your hormonal music sins.

00:46 - If at first you don't succeed...break into song and push the issue.

00:48 - EMO HULK SULK!

00:58 - Does this kid NOT learn?  He goes in for another physical attack, and she pushes him away yet again.  If he keeps it up, he's gonna end up grabbing her ass and she'll deck him one proper. *pause* PUSH YOUR LUCK, BIEBSTER!

1:03 - At this point, I'm surprised that girl hasn't busted out the Pepper Spray on this little fucker's face.


1:14 - That girl in the back looks like she's just given the kill order.

1:16 - That is officially the gayest thing Justin Bieber has ever done...

1:17 - ...which leads to the creepiest rape face.

1:20 - Lame canned enthusiasm, FTW!

1:29 - When Bieb-O-Rama doesn't get his way, he tends to rock out with his cock out to relieve the stress.


1:35 - Either Justin Bieber's been learning how to roll from old Star Trek reruns, or that's how all Canadian Kids roll.

1:37 - Boy, this video really is subversive.  (Oh, and if you ever intend on "going down", I'd lose the zig zag motion and do something other than freeze framing the "Vagina Doorway" scene from Patch Adams for sex ed.)

1:43 - You know what it's time for, kids!  It's a Hate Crime Dance Battle!

1:58 - That dance move will keep this kid a virgin safer than any D&D game ever will.

2:00 - Jedi Mind Trick FAIL!

2:02 - Yes, Canadians can Line Dance.  What's next on Canadian MythBusters, eh?

2:13 - With a might shout of "LUDA", Captain Chris "Ludachris" Bridges zooms onto the scene.  Ready to do battle with fresh beats and funky rhymes at his disposal, he'll school ya'll suckas!

2:17 - "Nope...not time to shave just yet.  Curse this Puberty thing!"

2:25 - This is the easiest game of "What's Wrong with This Picture?" EVER!

2:28 - Michael Jackson finally got his wish...he's a little White Boy, just like South Park prophesied.

2:55 - "I rejected you previously, and I regret I'd made an error in judgement.  Due to your suitable dancing skills, and foppish haircut, I shall allow you passage into my vagina when we are both of legal age.  Until then, let us commence the tradition of awkward glances and pop dance moves."

3:05 - The kids put on their interpretive dance production of Penthouse's Caligula, and everyone rejoices.


3:19 - Forgive my naivety, but if I may...

The song is supposed to be about J. Bieb moaning about how his first love broke his heart.  Now, they haven't set up the video as one big flashback, so it's safe to assume that he's singing about events in real time, much like all other artists in music videos.  That in mind, why the fuck is he walking away with the girl?  He's either singing about something that already happened (which shows the director failing at setting the scene for his concept) or that Justin Bieber is a fucking liar.  Your choice, World.

3:30 - Justin Bieber flips off  his audience British style to signal his content while confusing all of America's teenage girls.

3:34 - We end the video with King Kong waiting in the shadows to steal Justin's girl and bring us to the sequel.  Expect forty minutes of podracing, breakdance fighting, and the revelation that Justin Bieber is, in fact, Ellen DeGeneres's son all grown up.  (It'll be based off of an episode of Lost.)

Well, that was sufficiently painful and I don't think I'll be doing that again.  Oh who am I kidding...Miley Cyrus is next on the chopping block!  That's all for this installment of Musical Anatomy.  Until next time, fuck this Bieber noise.


Mad Dog Bill said...

I'm hoping that the Lady Gaga piano kid pushes the Biebs out of the spotlight. Still, Bieber has a sense of humor. I've yet to check out the April Fool's Day Funny or Die "bieberordie.com" site.

Anonymous said...

^ agreed!!!!

Anonymous said...

GET A FUCKING LIFE YOU HOMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

fuck off, your so full of yourself!
stop insulting canadians you fucking retard!

Jessica said...

Just a few words of wisdom, Anonymous:

1. Insults carry ever so much more weight when you use proper grammar and the appropriate level of punctuation. Additionally, before you start calling others "retards," I would learn the difference between you're and your.

2. If you are really so offended by people who hate Justin Bieber, maybe don't be too chicken shit to leave your name when you post.

3. Bieber does kind of suck. This is from a girl who used to write NSYNC fan fiction. He appeals to a certain fan base, and does it perfectly well, but no one is arguing he's a musical god. So, chill.

4. Canadiens/ennes are awesome.

just christina =) said...

well done dude!! xD