Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: email@example.com
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Not everyone has my sense of humor, and not everyone reads to the end of the page, so I'm gonna make this quick. I do not really think Miley Cyrus is a terrorist. If she's terrorising anything, it's Top 40 airplay. This is all one big joke, not to be treated like an actual news story. Honestly, if you've read me long enough you know that this is just my type of humor. So to reiterate: Miley Cyrus is a harmless little Pop Tart, and this is all one big setup. This is what happens when people don't have senses of humor...we're not allowed to have nice things.]
America, we are at war with terror, and as such I have to say there's been something on my mind that's been troubling me. The song "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus has been out for some time now, and it's been a hit. Little girls are nodding their heads and moving their hips; pedobears are running through the woods to get a look, and every now and then you'll hear parents singing the song to themselves because earworms are made to burrow deep.
But I fear Destiny Hope Cyrus, aka Miley ("Smiley") Cyrus, is not as clean cut and innocent as the media thinks she is. No, I think she's waiting for the right moment to trade in that makeup for a balaclava, those cowboy boots for combat boots, and (most damning of all) that mic for a gun. Miley Cyrus, I fear, is a terrorist. The scary thing is, I don't think she's the only one. No, Party in the USA, which seems like just a harmless tweenie bopper rock anthem to read Twilight to, is quite possibly an encoded message to wake other sleeper agents in Hollywood and have them rally behind her. Don't believe me? It's all embedded right in the seemingly cotton candy flavored lyrics. Look for yourself:
I hopped off the plane at LAX
with a dream and my cardigan
welcome to the land of fame excess, (woah)
am I gonna fit in?
Right on the out, she informs us that the primary target is LAX, which puts Los Angeles in the crosshairs. Also, who brings a cardigan out to LA, one of the sunniest cities in the world? That's right...terrorists. "Welcome to the land of fame, excess" shows how she sees Hollywood as all terrorists do...a glittering, decadent palace of egos, avarice, and debauchery. "Am I gonna fit in?" signals her want, nay need, to blend in with the locals. Here's a hint: lose the cardigan.
Jumped in the cab,
Here I am for the first time
Look to the right and I see the Hollywood sign
This is all so crazy
Everybody seems so famous
So a cab will be the method used for an attack, and since she's there for the first time it's safe to assume that her driver will be working with her for plotting the event. Afterwards, she'll dispose of her comrade and ditch the taxi in the L.A. Basin. (Which gives us checkpoint number 2 to monitor, should we lose her at LAX.)
My tummys turnin and I'm feelin kinda home sick
Too much pressure and I'm nervous,
That's when the taxi man turned on the radio
and a Jay Z song was on
and the Jay Z song was on
and the Jay Z song was on
Now she's named Jay Z as the first collaborator in her plot, and she's starting to feel the pressure every terrorist has before embarking on a terror campaign. But once she realizes she's not alone, she relaxes and resumes her activities.
So I put my hands up
They're playing my song,
And the butterflys fly away
Noddin' my head like yeah
Moving my hips like yeah,
And I got my hands up,
They're playin my song
I know I'm gonna be ok
Yeah, It's a party in the USA
Yeah, It's a party in the USA
Young Miley envisions the world and what it will be like after her glorious actions have been carried out, her reign of terror secured, and her legacy staining the landscape of America. Her head nodding and hip moving symbolize the power she feels she holds after rediscovering her terrorist swagger.
Get to the club in my taxi cab
Everybody's lookin at me now
Like "who's that chick, that's rockin' kicks?
She gotta be from out of town"
Fear starts to set in yet again as Ms. Cyrus arrives at her second target, an unidentified club. As she steps out with her cardigan, the crowd starts to look at her shoes as well. The collective mood of the room is "Something doesn't add up".
So hard with my girls not around me
Its definitely not a Nashville party
Cause' all I see are stilettos
I guess I never got the memo
Cyrus looks at her surroundings a little closer, and spots a couple crowd members toting stiletto knives on their person. She realizes she's out of her element and isn't back home in Nashville, which further gives her a case of pre-attack jitters. (Most teenage girls feel that way before their first terror attack, Miley. It's natural, just ask Selena Gomez.)
My tummys turnin' and I'm feelin' kinda home sick
Too much pressure and I'm nervous
That's when the D.J. dropped my favorite tune
and a Britney song was on
and the Britney song was on
and the Britney song was on
And here is where her resolve reappears...when her fellow Southern compatriot, Ms. Spears (a suspect under much scrutiny over the past couple of years) is named as the second collaborator. Who's next Miley? Katy Perry? Nickelback? Dare I say...is J. Biebs in your little circle of anti American sentiments?! I suggest we detain Ms. Cyrus and all of her compatriots for a little interrogation session.
(Repeat chorus x2, resist urge to overthrow government.)
Now that that's all over and done with, I have a confession to make...that whole Jay Z thing was bullshit. He's our mole in the Cyrus Underground for National Terror, and he's provided plenty of intel for us including the development that Katy Perry is weaponizing Pop beats, Synth lines, and shallow/annoying girl talk. But what of the video? Will this look more like a terrorist training camp video or an episode of America's Funniest Home Prostitutes gone wrong?
For those who want to play along at home, you know what to do: cue up the video & watch along with the time coded remarks!
00:02 - Little do these unsuspecting movie-goers know that when they buy their ticket for Iron Man 2, they're really buying a ticket to a screening of "The Last Song".
00:06 - Our first boot shot of the video. Keep an eye out and count along at home, this chick has a fetish for cowboy boots that'd make Quentin Tarantino's foot fetish look like a mild occupation.
00:08 - The video's equivalent of a Hero Shot/Big Reveal.
00:10 - That is the sound of another teen starlet's neck being broken. Fun fact: Miley got the song done in one take, so as not to run out of necks to snap. Bitch is fierce when it comes to competition. (For the record, that's Demi Lovato's neck snapping.)
00:13 - Boot shot number 2
00:15 - Boot shot number 3, which is the first of action shots with the boots. I wonder if this is product placement, or just a convenient way of saying "We don't have much to show on camera here, and we know showing you Miley's gopher face isn't exactly worthy of 3 minutes.
00:18 - "Jorge, I have a feeling we're not in Arizona anymore. Be free!"
00:25 - Miley (not so) subtly shows us how she's practicing for life after The Disney Channel.
00:26 - Anybody else think the Asian girl standing next to/interacting with Miley is some sort of backhanded apology for that photo incident?
00:31 - Boot Shot number 4. All of you boot enthusiasts better grab that second box of Kleenex.
00:32 - Shit, she's brushed her hair back so many times I'm starting to confuse her with Kristen Stewart's stunt double. (You know, the one that does all the acting.)
00:54 - This is starting to feel like a meeting of the Junior Tea Baggers.
00:58 - Out of the lack of darkness comes Flip Man and His Merry Band of Gyrationists!
01:01 - Still think they should have had Lil' Jon joined in on all of the "YEAAAH" moments. It would have made me laugh more.
01:17 - Just when you thought it was safe, in comes Boot Shot 5. This is turning out to be quite the drinking game.
01:21 - Miley shows the court where the bad man touched her...in her achy breaky heart.
01:22 - Ok, so it's one shot per Boot Shot, two shots per Hair Brush, and three shots when she's dancing in front of a U.S. flag.
01:28 - Hair Brush! Two shots!
01:30 - Boot Shot! One Shot!
01:34 - Show me a girl who looks like a stripper on the pole when she's nervous, and I'll show you the Queen of Mixed Signals.
01:41 - And now, for the unveiling of the biggest flag ever filmed that's NOT part of a Michael Bay movie.
01:45 - If you're drinking (and who wouldn't if they had to slog through this shit) you may as well just finish up and pour another glass or two. You get the picture.
01:50 - It has come to my attention that Miley Cyrus is a limited performer. At most she can stomp boots, make obscene (yet seemingly benign) hand gestures, brush her hair back, and rock in place whilst cradling a mic. Has anyone run a paternity test to see if she's the long lost daughter of Steven Tyler?
02:03 - To paraphrase famous New Jersian Jay (hetero life partner of Silent Bob), that girl is being awfully forward with that microphone.
02:06 - If that's not imagery that evokes a revolutionary signalling an uprising to the masses...then I've probably been drinking and you should pay no mind to it.
02:11 - Miley looks like quite the jailbai...er, jailbird here.
02:14 - I guess this is a Tea Bagging Terror Skank Training Camp video after all.
02:17 - Miley's stepped into the Thunderdome with all of the pretenders to her crown and the friends of all the pop starlets she murdered. They have one unified focus...to become America's Next Pop Tart. "Many Pop Tarts enter...one Pop Tart leave." Let the battle commence!
02:25 - That guy doesn't look like he wants to violate a cage full of scantily clad gyrating women. Not at all. Nope. He's reciting the gospel in his head. Either that or he's a spy for Flip Man!
02:30 - I guarantee you this is what Sarah Palin's fundraisers are going to look like running up to the 2012 Presidential Election. It's tacky, it's gawdy, there's expensive clothes and Patriotic compensation for lack of actual substance. Just like a Sarah Palin speech, people.
02:45 - Miley for President! (If you want a laugh to carry you all throughout the Nuclear Holocaust.)
02:55 - FLIP MAN RETURNS! And no one rejoices!
02:59 - With Flip Man comes his Band of Gyrationists! Again, no rejoicing over here...especially when it looks like this guy's terrorizing diners at the local grease truck.
03:03 - Hair brushing and boots! DOWN THE BOTTLE, FUCKERS!
03:07 - Seriously, was this guy bored or something? The concentration of Flip Man action towards the end of the video really upsets the balance of skanks to flips.
03:08 - Ask not how Miley Cyrus became famous. Ask what you can do to make Miley Cyrus culturally irrelevant.
03:13 - GYRATIONISTS ROLL CALL! Peeper!
03:14 - Spinmeister!
03:15 - Lazarus!
03:17 - Flip Man and Son of Flip Man!
03:20 - Miley's not only promising you a Party in the USA, she's threatening you with one. So shape up!
03:21 - And Miley "Sopranos" her audience abruptly. It is assumed that this is the moment where she is detained for questioning by the Coallition Opposing Cowboy boot Kicking.
Well, that sucked as promised and that's all for this installment of Musical Anatomy. One last note before I go, the funniest part about Miley's video is that when I tried to find a working Embed code, I wound up looking at Yahoo's Canadian site. The video slated to air after this one? "Get On Your Boots" by U2. Crazy, right?! Well, it's time to detain Miley Cyrus! And I think I know just the guy to hire...