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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also authored several short stories such as "The Devil's Comedian", "The Devil v. George W. Bush", and most recently "Wait Until Tomorrow". He resides in New Jersey. Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: michaelreyes72@hotmail.com

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Friday, September 24, 2010

Happy Friday Video (9/24/10)

Originally this was a post to rile the angry parents who don't want Katy Perry's Sesame Street bit to air.  However, I remembered that today was Jim Henson's birthday, and in celebration decided to tone down the snark a little and pay tribute to the man himself by highlighting his work and his legacy.

Also born today is Brad Bird, the director of such classics as The Iron Giant, The Incredibles, and Ratatouille.  In his honor I include a perfect cap to the week, the end credits from The Incredibles.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Musical Anatomy: Katy Perry (feat. Snoop Dogg) - "California Gurls"

Who is Katy Perry?  Nowadays it seems like no one, not even Ms. Perry (aka Katheryn Hudson) knows the answer to that question.  What first started out as a career in Christian Rock would later turn into Top 40 gold for the unwashed masses as Katy morphed from Christian Rocker to Pop Tart.  Her trademark corporate brand of spunk and retardation has successfully weaponized girl talk; while stealing girl power away from the Spice Girls of ancient times and turning it into something even Cyndi Lauper wouldn't be able to have fun with.   Some one needed to take her down a peg...and it looks like I'm going to be the one to do it.

I suffered through "I Kissed a Girl".  I half liked "Thinking of You".  I gagged through "Hot and Cold", and just when I thought I'd had enough..."Waking Up In Vegas" happened, breaking the camel's back and setting me off on a course for revenge.  Nothing new had come out after that though, at least not until recently; at which time Katy saw fit to shit upon her loving public with the most gleefully retarded thing since Paris Hilton's singing career...the shit single California Gurls.  (Mmm...thinly veiled avoidance of copyright infringement.) 

Upon first hearing this single, I KNEW I had to tear it apart, but at the time there was no video for it.  Well, my friends, there's a video now; and let me tell you, it's even more retarded than you could imagine.  Get ready, because I think I've got the biggest musical rant since Kei$ha coming your way.  Even Katy knows it, judging by her expression at the top of the page.  Time to lock and load kids, the bullshit has hit the fan. 

[Snoop Dogg]

Greetings loved ones, let’s take a journey

Since when did Snoop Dogg become a benevolent alien?  While we're on it, when did we all become "loved ones" to the D-O-double G?  Last I checked "loved ones" meant friends and family, not the girl you're staring at from across the bar thinking, "OMG My Dad use to rock out to his old albums!  I MUST sleep with him to fuel my Daddy Issues."

[Katy Perry]
I know a place where the grass is really greener
Warm, wet and wild, there must be something in the water
Sipping gin and juice, laying underneath the palm trees
The boys break their necks trying to creep a little sneak peek

Oh Katy...do you REALLY think California's known for its green lawns?  How can you have any greenery when every summer there's another forest fire to be discovered tearing away at Mel Gibson's swinging Jesus Camp Klan Rallying Point bachelor pad?  Why don't you sing "I know a place, where the Richter Scale's jumpin'."  The only grass anyone cares about in Cali is the type you puff and pass with...Snoop Dogg.  At least you can inhale when that grass burns.  Seriously?  You DARE reference Gin and Juice in your little piece of Bubble Gum Twattery?  Shit Katy, I want to smack you in the mouth more than ever.

You could travel the world
But nothing comes close to the golden coast
Once you party with us, you’ll be falling in love
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

So either you're delusional and haven't left the country/state all that much or California has some sort of conspiracy where little girls of Elementary School age are taught to ensnare & poison anyone from out of town.  Should I expect you to be patrolling the streets shouting, "OUTLANDER!!!!!" on my visit to your financially corrupt state?  (Theories 2 & 3: She's either a Stepford Wife or a Child of the Corn.)  If California girls are the best that the world has to offer, then we're all doomed to live out our lives trying to stick our dicks into shallow trollops that look like they come from reruns of The Hills.

California girls, we’re unforgettable
Daisy Dukes, bikinis on top
Sun-kissed skin, so hot will melt your popsicle
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
California girls, we’re undeniable
Fine, fresh, fierce, we got it on lock
West coast represent, now put your hands up
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

"We got it on lock?"  You made that up, didn't you?  Who SPEAKS like this?  I really want to know?  Katy, dear...you really need to hire a songwriter who knows what they're doing, because now you're coming off as retarded AND trendwhorish.  I don't see the kids saying "We got it on lock" anywhere past 5 months after the fucking t-shirt is printed.  I hate to say it, but Miley Cyrus makes more sense than you!  (And she kissed a girl too!  Theory 4: Katy Perry is the genetic base code for the recent wave of Pop Tarts, Miley Cyrus being her closest match.)

Sex on a beach we get sand in our stilettos
We freak in my jeep, Snoop Doggy dog on the stereo

Snoop, I'm embarrassed for you man.  This chick is invoking your name like you're God, only to blaspheme her way into turning your music into Pop Cred.  Whatever happened to the days when you used to roll with Dre?  At least Dre found himself some work as a producer/companion act to Eminem.  Dude, he DISCOVERED Em and brought forth a new age of Rap!  You cashed in and did Robot Chicken.  Seriously, you're the Robert DeNiro of the Rap scene.  You and Luda are just a Bieber single away from your equivalent of Righteous Kill!

You could travel the world
But nothing comes close to the golden coast
Once you party with us, you’ll be falling in love
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

I wonder what Snoop has to say on the matter, now that he's chained in Katy's basement like some sort of Rumplestilskin figure that's supposed to spin gold straw for her shit records.  Let the Dogg out, Katy.  Turn him loose and let him burst forth in triumphant fanfare!

[Snoop Dogg]
Toned, tan, fit and ready
Turn it up cause its gettin’ heavy
Wild wild west coast
These are the girls I love the most
I mean the ones, I mean like she’s the one
Kiss her, touch her, squeeze her

Ok, that's just the beginning of the cameo.  He needs time to warm up.  Even Bobby needed to get the juices flowing before he got to work in Hide and Seek.  Shame it took 85% of the film's fucking run time for the juices to start, but then again that's old age for ya.  If the film were to be any good, he would have to had started shooting it ten years before it was released...which, coincidentally, was part of his hey day.

The girls a freak, she drives a jeep
The men on the beach,
I’m okay, I won’t play, I love the bay
Just like I love LA
Venice Beach and Palm Springs
Summer time is everything

Boy, Snoop really sounds like he wants to plug California in its Fault Line, doesn't he?  (Here's a hint...he's probably half way there.)  You're 2/3rd's done, Snoop and it's been a disaster thus far.  Don't let us down in the last act!

Come on boys, hanging out
All that ass hanging out
Bikinis, tankinis, martinis, no weenies
Just to get in betweeny
Katy my lady (yeah)
You looking here baby (uh huh)
I’m all up on you
Cause you representing California

So you start off with the laziest rhyme THAT DOESN'T COUNT, and  you finish with anointing yourself with Katy Perry as the royalty of California?  That was about as triumphant as What Just Happened, Godsend, and Everybody's Fine thrown in a blender with some watered down Vodka and second rate Pot.  Drink your ass milkshake Snoop, you've made it all by yourself.  Go collect some residuals before you embarrass yourself totally.  (Spoiler alert: he TOTALLY does in the video.)

(Repeat Chorus, decry the decline of Western Society via the collective retardation of America.  Theory 5: Katy Perry is Satan.)

[Snoop Dogg]
California girls man
I wish they all could be California girls (x2)
There’s only a few children who do what we do

Yeah Snoop, I've seen the children that do what you've done here.  It's called "Toddlers and Tiaras", and it's fucking disturbing!  Remember these are just the lyrics, folks.  The Prime Cut Fried Gold lies in the video, which does what Avatar failed to do...meet the expectations set by the public, and defy them in every which way. 

Katy Perry featuring Snoop Dogg - California Gurls (feat. Snoop Dogg)
Uploaded by EMI_Music. - Explore more music videos.

00:02 - Already, we're setting ourselves up for lashings of the old ultraviolence with this horrific image of what could possibly be the worst board game since Mall Madness.

00:05 - You're...shitting...kidding...me.  Seriously?  Snoop agreed to wear this get up, NOT blazed out of his mind while doing so?  He looks like the deleted Pimp character from Mister Rogers' Neighborhood!

00:07 - Nice to see Kirstie Alley lent the production her map of California.

00:10 - ...Snoop, I'm sorry for busting your ass about the suit, because Katy's dress is now the worst abomination on the world. (Not counting Lady Gaga's meat dress.)

00:19 - You know, Katy Perry better not get an acting career anytime soon.   If this video is anything to judge, she basically overacts the fuck out of any action given to her.  When's the last time you've seen ANYONE eat ice cream like this?  (Discounting anything you've read in Maxim or seen in Porn.)

00:24 - Here's your "Internet Avatar Friendly" moment, in which the Gummy Bears express the audience's feelings towards Katy's "God I want to smack you in the mouth" nature.

00:33 - We meet the second of the "Queens of California".  I'd hate to see how she wound up in that bubble, because if the bubble's that big you could only imagine how big the fucker that made it is.

00:40  - OK, WHAT'S WITH THE FUCKING JAZZ HANDS?!  You freed "The Broad in the Bubble".  So what?  Big fucking deal.  If it were a Titanium bubble, if it were guarded by a Dragon Vampire, or if there were ANY sort of heroism involved, I'd be impressed.  But you took your hooker heel off and popped the damn thing.  It's not a victory, it's common sense.  Stop with the annoying "YAY!" face.

00:46 - Here we see Ms. Perry practicing her "Politician's Bible Thumping Wife" act, and to be honest...she's got it right down to the "I've done shit that'd turn you WHITE!" stare.

00:51 - Don't look so surprised, Katy.  I'm sure this isn't the first time you've played with a snake.

00:54 - ...seriously, I don't think I can do that many snake jokes.  You'll get tired of them, they're a dime a dozen, and they all imply Katy Perry's a whore.  Needless to say...she looks rather comfortable riding that snake.

00:58 - What the FUCK is this?!  What is she, the Cupcake Queen of Never Ever Land?!

01:03 - This is where my "Punchability Meter" buries its needle, and I punch Katy in the mouth.

01:34 - This must be what Katy's gynecologist has to go through when he conducts his routine exam.  Green Jello and all.

01:41 - Hey look, kids!  It's Ginger McWifebeater, coming down from his Meth House to rape unsuspecting passersby.

01:43 - Cue unsuspecting passersby.

01:47 - Dear Lord, I know we haven't exactly been BFF's, but I swear if you strike these women down in their moment of trollopitude...I'll not watch the Hawaii Five-0 remake.  Scout's honor.

02:01 - The line...it has been crossed.  And apparently, it's made of cherries.

02:03 - Steven Segal's latest assistant learned the hard way that the rumors were indeed true.

02:09 - You know, the way she sticks out her tongue in this frame reminds me of my ex.  Punchabilty Factor has gone critical.

02:12 - I ask you, nay I IMPLORE all of you...what would this video have been like without the Chick cliche of a beach party?!

02:21 - REALLY?!  Do I HAVE to say anything about this bit?  Seriously, this just makes me think they could repackage this video on DVD under the title "Beat It!" and they'd be able to charge $30 for it.  (Seriously kids, Porn is expensive.  Don't buy it...just watch it online for free.)

02:32 - Now I can see why everyone hated the finale of Lost.  It doesn't even look like it took itself seriously.  (Yeah whatever, the joke's old but so's this article.  Wondering why it took me so long to dissect this turkey?  It's because I was in the hospital for three weeks after seeing this video, two of those weeks being put on suicide watch.)

02:39 - If that's not a face that says, "Someone stuck something where they shouldn't have!", then I don't know what is...

02:40 - ...and there's the culprit!

02:48 - Oh Katy, how did you know a woman eating cotton candy would be so seductive?  However did you think of selling the whole sex appeal of cotton fluff with your eyes, just in case nobody picked up on the fact that you're covered in the shit?  No, honestly, explain your thought process to me.  I'm curious.  Is it like the "thought process" of your fans who tried to eat your cotton candy scented CD?

03:06 - Could it be?  Is Snoop gonna put the hurt on Katy's Army with his Gummy Thugs?!

03:26 - Nah.  Katy and her bitches GOT THIS!  COME AT HER, SON!  Also, try and disprove my Anime Fan Boy's Wet Dream theory now, bitches!

03:52 - It is in the moment that the Pot and the general haze of Snoop Dogg's mind faded, and he realized what he had gotten himself into.  He realizes just where his image and his career are at, and just what the name "Snoop D-O-Double G" means these days.  It is a catch phrase.  A curiosity of the past, matched in its ridicule only in its longevity.  Our clown realizes his part in the farce of life, and in it he weeps.  He weeps within, never to let on that his charade is known to his inner eye.  He weeps.


And now, a pleasant, soothing pallet cleanser.

Now that we know what real music is like, I must bid you all adieu for now.  Until next time, let us summon the Jesus Lion to nom Queen Katy to her violent end, and send Snoop back to the drawing board with a dime bag and some of that Dre magic.

Monday, September 20, 2010

The Monday GAAAH! - 9/20/10

Week in, week out, we find ourselves at the same place at the start of the week.   Say what you will about Monday, but at least it's constant.  Always there, always waiting, always a pain in the ass.  Let's get this started, shall we?

- Finally visited a Digital IMAX this weekend, and it's decent.  The sound system's on par with (if not possibly better) than an IMAX theater, simply because of how small it is.  However, the screen doesn't touch a proper IMAX's greatness, and therein lies the problem.

- Nicholas Sparks has become the Chick Lit equivalent of Michael Crichton, simply because his books are optioned for films before they're even released.  The only difference is that Crichton's books didn't suck, nor did they take the same story beats and reuse to the point of exhaustion.  The only questions you need to ask yourself while reading his works are "Who dies?", and, "From what?"

- The Town topped the box office last week, with Easy A and Devil pulling the rest of the Top 3 into place.  (Supposedly Devil is good, which puts it above Resident Evil: Afterlife, which was meh.)  Still, an America where Ben Affleck is heralded and Emma Stone is drooled over is an America I think we can say we're proud of.  Here's this week's Futile Box Office Predictions:

1. Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'hoole
(Owls, an amazing voice cast, and an IMAX 3D release all pretty much put this film at the top of this week's heap.)

2. The Town
(Gotta love Ben Affleck's comeback.  Jennifer Garner be praised.)

3. Easy A
(Good luck resisting Emma Stone for a second week in a row.)

Lovable Loser of the Day: Scott Pilgrim, because yeah...I'm still sore about that.

Loathable Winner of the Day: Catfish, because between this and Paranormal Craptivity 2, you'll see a lot of Independent films taking the "Demand It!" route of release in order to make money and boost buzz about their pictures.  How about making a good movie that stands on its own merits?

- Vegan Peanut Butter Cups are delicious.  So's making Chocolate Peanut Butter mixture with the left over ingredients.

- Seriously if you haven't seen Gone Baby Gone, correct that error forthwith.  You'll see why everyone's wetting themselves over how good The Town is.

- Pumpkin Watch 2010: Wawa is in the lead with their Pumpkin Spice Latte, Dunkin Donuts is behind.  Next contestant is Starbucks.

- MSN's Unfortunate Headline Combination of the Week: "Superbug | 'Frankenfish' | Hospital shooting".  (Guess the Mystery Meat...isn't such a mystery after all.)

- I wasn't kidding with that My Generation pledge to watch the episodes and rant about them.  I've already set my DVR and hope to have the first real time review up on Friday or Monday. 

- Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are holding twin rallies on October 30th.  In other news, this could possibly be the coolest thing to happen in recent history.  Plus, you just know attendance is going to dwarf that of the Beck/Palin rally, which is gonna piss the GOP off before the Midterms.

- Question of the Week:  Are you going to the Stewart/Colbert rally?  If so, are you marching to Restore Sanity or Keep Fear Alive?

- Blockbuster Online recently introduced Video Games into their rental policies.  Too little, too late, too bad.  Netflix should partner with Gamefly and finish them off.

Instead of an Opening Act this week, I'd like to draw some attention to a serious matter...

The T-Virus is no laughing matter.  Protect yourself. 

Obviously, this is all just a joke; so go out there and have a good Monday with your proper Opening Act, Marc Broussard.  My buddy Kyle exposed me to this guy on a road trip to PA, and listening to this song I honestly could see it playing during the opening of one of Tony Scott's movies, which would undoubtedly star Denzel Washington. 

Friday, September 17, 2010

Happy Friday Video (9/17/10)

You've seen William H. Macy before, and you've definitely seen Kate Micucci if you're a Youtube fiend (or a Scrubs fan), but you've never seen them together playing Ukelele before!  Unless you've seen this video and I'm just late to the game.  Anyway, it's a fun little song and it's a Happy Friday Video so take it or leave it.  Most of all, have yourselves a good weekend.

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Monday GAAAH! - 9/13/10

OK, so the last reboot I attempted crashed faster than The Incredible Hulk's box office numbers.  Let's try to put it past us and get a little more of a head start today with guest blogger Mark Ruffalo.

Just kidding kids, you've still got me to deal with.  So strap in, and get ready to start the week with a GAAAH!

- R.I.P. Kevin McCarthy.  For an 80's kid, you sure were a great heavy.  I'll always remember your performance Innerspace, and I've yet to experience your Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but perhaps now's a good of a time as any.  You will be dearly missed.

- Back to Mark Ruffalo for a second there, is it just me or did he have some pretty nice suits in Shutter Island?  In other news if you haven't seen Shutter Island, you "best unfuck yourself" and see it.  (No, that statement does not mean R. Lee Ermey is guest hosting the blog next week.  Though could you imagine what a blog of his would read like?  Pure Silver, that's what.)

- Resident Evil: Afterlife killed the Box Office last weekend, though it's hard to find any IMAX theaters playing it in my area.  One's still playing the Avatar Special Edition (boo!) and one's still playing Inception (Big Frickin Yay!).  Here's this weekend's Futile Box Office Predictions:

1. The Town
(Affleck, Renner, Hamm, Lively, Postelthwaite...how much more reason do you need to see this film's potential?  Spoiler Alert: Ben Affleck is going to continue his career as a hot shot director.  He's showing some serious chops.  Seriously, Ben...write a film with Matt again and direct it with him and your brother starring!  It's GOLD!)

2. Easy A
("I could resist Emma Stone".  No...no, you couldn't.  Don't even try to pretend otherwise.  If Superbad didn't get you, Zombieland did and you're just afraid to acknowledge it.  It's ok.  Let it wash over you like a shore of universal truth.  We're all Emma Stone's bitches.)

3. Resident Evil: Afterlife
(Yeah, still need to see it.  The 3D sounds cool and I love me some zombie hunting.)

Lovable Loser of the Week: Catfish, because it's in such limited release that I can't see it this weekend!

Loathable Winner of the Week: Devil, because you know it's going to make money.  Morbid curiosity/bad taste reign.

- Unfortunate MSN Headlines of the Week: "Longest California roll | 100 cats run wild in IKEA"

- BP claims the spill "probably won't top $20 billion" in damages, falling only $12 billion short of their $32 billion estimate for payment.  Keep filling up at BP, kids!  Make sure they can pay for the mess.

- Summer's finally done and over.  Now we all must turn our watchful eyes to our savior The Pumpkin.  It is delicious as it is wise, and we should welcome its return to all of our food products.

- Midterms are coming up, and as such I expect we'll start to see some races really heat up in the next couple weeks.  Anyone care to handicap/predict which races will be the most contentious, who the "shoo-ins" will be, and most of all will Basil Marceaux.com win his bid for Governor of Tennessee?

- I was doing dishes last night, and came across a horrible sight.  While washing a particularly icky dish, I actually let out a GAAAH, to which one of my best friends replied, "Shouldn't you be saving that for tomorrow morning?"  It's nice to be recognized, especially by good friends. :D

- What is it with women and taking pictures of their feet when they have fancy shoes on?  Either it's a fetish, women are in love with their shoes, or the ladies are trying to please Quentin Tarantino by amassing their best foot shots on one centralized Internet database.

- The Incredibles needs to go to Blu Ray.  WAITING, DISNEY!!!

- Visit your Local Library.  No, seriously, go over and check something out.  They miss you, and they usually have a wide selection of neat stuff.  Librarians, like The Doctor and Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, are cool.

- The day they make a porn parody of House, M.D. is the day I start to wish Hugh Laurie would summon Stephen Fry to lull said spoofers into a comfortable sleep...so that they may beat the ever loving shit out of them.  You just don't mess with some things, Porn People.  (Also, why has it taken so long for Stephen Fry to be asked to guest on House?  C'mon, this should be a naturally occurring thought and we should have had two recurring guest spots and a crossover in the Sixth Season premiere.)

- Anybody else ready to rake leaves in an Argyle sweater whilst drinking a Pumpkin Spice Latte?  Just me.  #HipsterFail

This week's opening act was randomly found during a Ska binge I went on recently.  (Blame nostalgia.)  Here are The Toasters (of Ka-BLAM! fame) with "Don't Let The Bastards Grind You Down".  Give 'em Hell out there this week, kids!

Friday, September 10, 2010

My Abusive Relationship With Hollywood: Episode 8 - My Generation Sucks, or "Proof that ABC has the biggest vagina"

 This column has been inactive for quite a while, and frankly I have no excuse for it.  None at all.  This whole blog has been inactive for quite sometime as well, and the only thing I can say is that Writer's Block seems to be more powerful in the Summer than in the Fall.  Nevertheless, it's time to resurrect old columns, and attempt to make the words flow again.  And what better way to do that than to indulged in a specialty of mine...bitching about Hollywood!  It is with this that I bring to you, the triumphant return of My Abusive Relationship With Hollywood.


When Roger Daltry sings, "I hope I die before I get old", he's not talking about life but he's talking about relevance.  From what I interpret, the point of the lyric is that he'd rather die than become an irrelevant statistic that serves more of a collective than an individual identity.  In other words, he'd rather die an outcast than live as a sheep whose needs are marketed to, catered to, and packaged towards.  Whether he succeeded or not is up to the fans and himself, but in any case the point remains: would we rather leave this Earth when/if we mellow or is it still worth it to live as one of the faceless crowd?  It's a question we pose to ourselves every time we look in the mirror, and when do we start asking this question?  In fucking High School.  How better than to bring this question into the public consciousness than by creating a pretentious, schmaltzy, trope laden, flimsy excuse for ratings that looks more like Grey's Anatomy meets The Yearbook Club than an actual network drama.  Behold the bastard child that is, "My Generation".

Trope-a-licious, is it not?  In just 30 seconds, we have the stereotypes and their destinies laid out:

- Blond Girl - 2000: "I'm a perky actress wannabe" / 2010: "I'm a mom...but I still 'wannabe' an actress.  *giggle* "
- Alex P. Keaton, the Second - 2000: "I'm going to be a Republican Candidate!" / 2010: "I burned out big time...and I knocked someone up BIG time."
- Token Black Guy/Football Player:  2000: "WHOO! / "2010: "WHOO IRAQ!"

I'm sorry, but this show promo is the equivalent of an annoyingly perky blond from Market Research standing in front of a focus group shouting, "Doesn't that look AWESOME, you guys?!  Don't you want to just DVR that shit and wallow in the fact that while you were full of piss and vinegar ten years ago, you've mellowed out to a bitter shell of your former self?!  YAY CLASS OF 2000!"  Sure, the promises of youth versus the unfulfilled future have been one of the greatest sources of pathos throughout the history of fiction.  But quite frankly, it's never been THIS douchey.  At least, I can't remember it being that douchey, I could be wrong.  After all this is, "A drama series unlike anything on television".  (Which in industry talk means, "A drama series JUST like anything on television, only with a different cast.")

Still, pre-existing history or not, you can't escape the fact that this commercial is marketing to a specific demographic, specifically plotted on the timeline of recent events where they're still young enough to remember accurately but not old enough to remember idealistically.  And according to ABC, our generation is one of hipster douchebags who've either compromised ourselves to fulfill our dreams and be with the people we want to be, or we've just dashed it all away entirely and are struggling to get it back.  So we're either an unhappy overachiever or an ambitious burnout, which is humorous to think about when you contrast it with the fact that the reverse used to be true.  I get it:  Nostalgia plays, we've got a new demographic entering that prime real estate in the middle of the 18-35 year old demographic, and what better way to capitalize on that than give these people the stereotypes they best identify with, combined with the everyday angst the audiences for this show are probably feeling while watching it.  Remember, the people who are playing the parts of the protagonists were ambitious High Schoolers once too...they just somehow got to their goals earlier than you.

Perhaps the most damning part of all is while they aren't showing it, you can bet your ass there will be at least one "Ugly Duckling" in the bunch.  You know...the stereotype they made movies about back when we were STILL IN High School.  Apparently, they aren't so popular once we graduate, because as we all "know" the awkward kids graduate and become successes.  Not always the case, but we're going by popular perception here, so let's run with it.  What's wrong with marketing success stories?  How about the nerdy kid who started a dot com and managed to retire early?  (Without being an asshat, mind you.  I understand "The Social Network" has all but said caveat covered.)  How about the Goth girl who somehow got it together and managed to live a fruitful life free of the social pressure and depression she might have faced, to become a better person?  What about the Gay teenager who comes out of the closet and sheds off all of the social stigma they felt they endured during less tolerant times?  Why do we always focus on the same three archetypes when we revisit the same goddamn personal era of achievement?  Give us something new, for fuck's sake!

This is all by the numbers bullshit, and just because it's focusing on people our age instead of a previous generation, it's supposed to be something "unlike anything on television". Again, you transplanted the whiny nature of Grey's and transplanted it into a pseudo Breakfast Club sequel that not even Stephenie Meyer would touch with a sparkling ten foot pole. It's like EVERYTHING we've seen before! In fact, I'm going to call a couple things out:

* The football player is going to be uber sad that he's in Iraq and wish he had his glory days back again. (And 10 to 1 he gets traumatically injured/handicapped/dies. Remember, I saw The Hurt Locker.)
* Burnout politician/surfer dude will reunite with ex-girlfriend/hook up (who's probably seeing/married to someone else) and will join her in a union of matrimony to sanctify their bastard spawn.
* The actress will be more humble, less spotlight hogging, and a "sensitive soul looking for guidance in the storm of the now". (In other words, no change, just age. Remember, Glee's still on the air.)
* One nerdy kid will succeed and they will never be spoken of again.
* One "Gay kid" will come out and they will never be spoken of again. (Remember, Glee's still on the air.)
* Someone will actually be happy with their life...and they will never be spoken of again.
* This show will be cancelled during mid-season sweeps, or at most will not live to see another season. (So don't buy the "Season 1.0" DVD set, instead wait for the "Complete Season 1 Series" box set.)

You want to know how our generation is going to be remembered, if we go by the "historical records"?  We're the first kids to be spoiled and eventually dumbed down by technology.  We're the first kids that thanks to said technological "liberation" became the first in a line of more demanding, more consumer minded, and more vapid citizens than ever.  We can't do anything unless a famous person tells us to do it first.  We can't buy anything unless it's gotten that seal of approval from someone who we think we know.  We can't live unless we're comfortable, and we can't be comfortable unless we have what we want, and we can't have what we want because we don't want to work for it.  So we sit at home, lamenting our station in life, and watch shit like this!  What the fuck happened to the dreamers, the innovators, the writers, the individuals, and the leaders?  Nothing...they're just too busy on Facebook, Tweeting about how Jersey Shore was so intense this weekend and how they're gonna go drink their feelings because OBVIOUSLY the world wants to know about them and only them!  Face it, we're a generation conditioned to respond to fame, and in doing so we think we're guaranteed a piece of that fame to ourselves because when we actually chose to listen and obey, it wasn't to our authority figures.  It wasn't to ourselves.  It wasn't even to the positive role models in our lives.  It was to some moron who found the shortcut before we did, and we will do ANYTHING to get there ourselves.  All this show does is perpetuate it a little further, and enclose us in the balm of self pity through fictional catharsis.  If they succeed, we succeed through transference.  Which, is a load of shit when you think about it.  Not to mention, we're going to be remembered as a generation that allowed Limp Bizkit to become chart toppers.

Do you want to succeed?  Shut the TV off.  Log out of Facebook.  After you're done reading this, think to yourself about what you wanted in life, how you got sidetracked, and how you can get there again.  Then get out there and contact an old friend from High School.  Ask them the same questions, and get to talking about the good old days past, and the ones yet to be.  We can do better than this, people.  We can steer ourselves out of this Hell hole we're creating and do something better.  We have minds, voices, and souls; and all should be put to good use.  As for me...this is what I want to do with my life.  I want to write.  Not much, not a very glamorous profession, but I love the fuck out of it.  And you know what?  I bet I could out do "My Generation" any day of the week.