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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also a film journalist/critic for Cocktails & Movies and CinemaBlend, as well as the author of several short stories such as "The Devil v. George W. Bush". Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: mikereyeswrites@gmail.com

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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Musical Anatomy: Katy Perry (feat. Snoop Dogg) - "California Gurls"

Who is Katy Perry?  Nowadays it seems like no one, not even Ms. Perry (aka Katheryn Hudson) knows the answer to that question.  What first started out as a career in Christian Rock would later turn into Top 40 gold for the unwashed masses as Katy morphed from Christian Rocker to Pop Tart.  Her trademark corporate brand of spunk and retardation has successfully weaponized girl talk; while stealing girl power away from the Spice Girls of ancient times and turning it into something even Cyndi Lauper wouldn't be able to have fun with.   Some one needed to take her down a peg...and it looks like I'm going to be the one to do it.

I suffered through "I Kissed a Girl".  I half liked "Thinking of You".  I gagged through "Hot and Cold", and just when I thought I'd had enough..."Waking Up In Vegas" happened, breaking the camel's back and setting me off on a course for revenge.  Nothing new had come out after that though, at least not until recently; at which time Katy saw fit to shit upon her loving public with the most gleefully retarded thing since Paris Hilton's singing career...the shit single California Gurls.  (Mmm...thinly veiled avoidance of copyright infringement.) 

Upon first hearing this single, I KNEW I had to tear it apart, but at the time there was no video for it.  Well, my friends, there's a video now; and let me tell you, it's even more retarded than you could imagine.  Get ready, because I think I've got the biggest musical rant since Kei$ha coming your way.  Even Katy knows it, judging by her expression at the top of the page.  Time to lock and load kids, the bullshit has hit the fan. 

[Snoop Dogg]

Greetings loved ones, let’s take a journey

Since when did Snoop Dogg become a benevolent alien?  While we're on it, when did we all become "loved ones" to the D-O-double G?  Last I checked "loved ones" meant friends and family, not the girl you're staring at from across the bar thinking, "OMG My Dad use to rock out to his old albums!  I MUST sleep with him to fuel my Daddy Issues."

[Katy Perry]
I know a place where the grass is really greener
Warm, wet and wild, there must be something in the water
Sipping gin and juice, laying underneath the palm trees
The boys break their necks trying to creep a little sneak peek

Oh Katy...do you REALLY think California's known for its green lawns?  How can you have any greenery when every summer there's another forest fire to be discovered tearing away at Mel Gibson's swinging Jesus Camp Klan Rallying Point bachelor pad?  Why don't you sing "I know a place, where the Richter Scale's jumpin'."  The only grass anyone cares about in Cali is the type you puff and pass with...Snoop Dogg.  At least you can inhale when that grass burns.  Seriously?  You DARE reference Gin and Juice in your little piece of Bubble Gum Twattery?  Shit Katy, I want to smack you in the mouth more than ever.

You could travel the world
But nothing comes close to the golden coast
Once you party with us, you’ll be falling in love
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

So either you're delusional and haven't left the country/state all that much or California has some sort of conspiracy where little girls of Elementary School age are taught to ensnare & poison anyone from out of town.  Should I expect you to be patrolling the streets shouting, "OUTLANDER!!!!!" on my visit to your financially corrupt state?  (Theories 2 & 3: She's either a Stepford Wife or a Child of the Corn.)  If California girls are the best that the world has to offer, then we're all doomed to live out our lives trying to stick our dicks into shallow trollops that look like they come from reruns of The Hills.

California girls, we’re unforgettable
Daisy Dukes, bikinis on top
Sun-kissed skin, so hot will melt your popsicle
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
California girls, we’re undeniable
Fine, fresh, fierce, we got it on lock
West coast represent, now put your hands up
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

"We got it on lock?"  You made that up, didn't you?  Who SPEAKS like this?  I really want to know?  Katy, dear...you really need to hire a songwriter who knows what they're doing, because now you're coming off as retarded AND trendwhorish.  I don't see the kids saying "We got it on lock" anywhere past 5 months after the fucking t-shirt is printed.  I hate to say it, but Miley Cyrus makes more sense than you!  (And she kissed a girl too!  Theory 4: Katy Perry is the genetic base code for the recent wave of Pop Tarts, Miley Cyrus being her closest match.)

Sex on a beach we get sand in our stilettos
We freak in my jeep, Snoop Doggy dog on the stereo

Snoop, I'm embarrassed for you man.  This chick is invoking your name like you're God, only to blaspheme her way into turning your music into Pop Cred.  Whatever happened to the days when you used to roll with Dre?  At least Dre found himself some work as a producer/companion act to Eminem.  Dude, he DISCOVERED Em and brought forth a new age of Rap!  You cashed in and did Robot Chicken.  Seriously, you're the Robert DeNiro of the Rap scene.  You and Luda are just a Bieber single away from your equivalent of Righteous Kill!

You could travel the world
But nothing comes close to the golden coast
Once you party with us, you’ll be falling in love
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

I wonder what Snoop has to say on the matter, now that he's chained in Katy's basement like some sort of Rumplestilskin figure that's supposed to spin gold straw for her shit records.  Let the Dogg out, Katy.  Turn him loose and let him burst forth in triumphant fanfare!

[Snoop Dogg]
Toned, tan, fit and ready
Turn it up cause its gettin’ heavy
Wild wild west coast
These are the girls I love the most
I mean the ones, I mean like she’s the one
Kiss her, touch her, squeeze her

Ok, that's just the beginning of the cameo.  He needs time to warm up.  Even Bobby needed to get the juices flowing before he got to work in Hide and Seek.  Shame it took 85% of the film's fucking run time for the juices to start, but then again that's old age for ya.  If the film were to be any good, he would have to had started shooting it ten years before it was released...which, coincidentally, was part of his hey day.

The girls a freak, she drives a jeep
The men on the beach,
I’m okay, I won’t play, I love the bay
Just like I love LA
Venice Beach and Palm Springs
Summer time is everything

Boy, Snoop really sounds like he wants to plug California in its Fault Line, doesn't he?  (Here's a hint...he's probably half way there.)  You're 2/3rd's done, Snoop and it's been a disaster thus far.  Don't let us down in the last act!

Come on boys, hanging out
All that ass hanging out
Bikinis, tankinis, martinis, no weenies
Just to get in betweeny
Katy my lady (yeah)
You looking here baby (uh huh)
I’m all up on you
Cause you representing California

So you start off with the laziest rhyme THAT DOESN'T COUNT, and  you finish with anointing yourself with Katy Perry as the royalty of California?  That was about as triumphant as What Just Happened, Godsend, and Everybody's Fine thrown in a blender with some watered down Vodka and second rate Pot.  Drink your ass milkshake Snoop, you've made it all by yourself.  Go collect some residuals before you embarrass yourself totally.  (Spoiler alert: he TOTALLY does in the video.)

(Repeat Chorus, decry the decline of Western Society via the collective retardation of America.  Theory 5: Katy Perry is Satan.)

[Snoop Dogg]
California girls man
I wish they all could be California girls (x2)
There’s only a few children who do what we do

Yeah Snoop, I've seen the children that do what you've done here.  It's called "Toddlers and Tiaras", and it's fucking disturbing!  Remember these are just the lyrics, folks.  The Prime Cut Fried Gold lies in the video, which does what Avatar failed to do...meet the expectations set by the public, and defy them in every which way. 

Katy Perry featuring Snoop Dogg - California Gurls (feat. Snoop Dogg)
Uploaded by EMI_Music. - Explore more music videos.

00:02 - Already, we're setting ourselves up for lashings of the old ultraviolence with this horrific image of what could possibly be the worst board game since Mall Madness.

00:05 - You're...shitting...kidding...me.  Seriously?  Snoop agreed to wear this get up, NOT blazed out of his mind while doing so?  He looks like the deleted Pimp character from Mister Rogers' Neighborhood!

00:07 - Nice to see Kirstie Alley lent the production her map of California.

00:10 - ...Snoop, I'm sorry for busting your ass about the suit, because Katy's dress is now the worst abomination on the world. (Not counting Lady Gaga's meat dress.)

00:19 - You know, Katy Perry better not get an acting career anytime soon.   If this video is anything to judge, she basically overacts the fuck out of any action given to her.  When's the last time you've seen ANYONE eat ice cream like this?  (Discounting anything you've read in Maxim or seen in Porn.)

00:24 - Here's your "Internet Avatar Friendly" moment, in which the Gummy Bears express the audience's feelings towards Katy's "God I want to smack you in the mouth" nature.

00:33 - We meet the second of the "Queens of California".  I'd hate to see how she wound up in that bubble, because if the bubble's that big you could only imagine how big the fucker that made it is.

00:40  - OK, WHAT'S WITH THE FUCKING JAZZ HANDS?!  You freed "The Broad in the Bubble".  So what?  Big fucking deal.  If it were a Titanium bubble, if it were guarded by a Dragon Vampire, or if there were ANY sort of heroism involved, I'd be impressed.  But you took your hooker heel off and popped the damn thing.  It's not a victory, it's common sense.  Stop with the annoying "YAY!" face.

00:46 - Here we see Ms. Perry practicing her "Politician's Bible Thumping Wife" act, and to be honest...she's got it right down to the "I've done shit that'd turn you WHITE!" stare.

00:51 - Don't look so surprised, Katy.  I'm sure this isn't the first time you've played with a snake.

00:54 - ...seriously, I don't think I can do that many snake jokes.  You'll get tired of them, they're a dime a dozen, and they all imply Katy Perry's a whore.  Needless to say...she looks rather comfortable riding that snake.

00:58 - What the FUCK is this?!  What is she, the Cupcake Queen of Never Ever Land?!

01:03 - This is where my "Punchability Meter" buries its needle, and I punch Katy in the mouth.

01:34 - This must be what Katy's gynecologist has to go through when he conducts his routine exam.  Green Jello and all.

01:41 - Hey look, kids!  It's Ginger McWifebeater, coming down from his Meth House to rape unsuspecting passersby.

01:43 - Cue unsuspecting passersby.

01:47 - Dear Lord, I know we haven't exactly been BFF's, but I swear if you strike these women down in their moment of trollopitude...I'll not watch the Hawaii Five-0 remake.  Scout's honor.

02:01 - The line...it has been crossed.  And apparently, it's made of cherries.

02:03 - Steven Segal's latest assistant learned the hard way that the rumors were indeed true.

02:09 - You know, the way she sticks out her tongue in this frame reminds me of my ex.  Punchabilty Factor has gone critical.

02:12 - I ask you, nay I IMPLORE all of you...what would this video have been like without the Chick cliche of a beach party?!

02:21 - REALLY?!  Do I HAVE to say anything about this bit?  Seriously, this just makes me think they could repackage this video on DVD under the title "Beat It!" and they'd be able to charge $30 for it.  (Seriously kids, Porn is expensive.  Don't buy it...just watch it online for free.)

02:32 - Now I can see why everyone hated the finale of Lost.  It doesn't even look like it took itself seriously.  (Yeah whatever, the joke's old but so's this article.  Wondering why it took me so long to dissect this turkey?  It's because I was in the hospital for three weeks after seeing this video, two of those weeks being put on suicide watch.)

02:39 - If that's not a face that says, "Someone stuck something where they shouldn't have!", then I don't know what is...

02:40 - ...and there's the culprit!

02:48 - Oh Katy, how did you know a woman eating cotton candy would be so seductive?  However did you think of selling the whole sex appeal of cotton fluff with your eyes, just in case nobody picked up on the fact that you're covered in the shit?  No, honestly, explain your thought process to me.  I'm curious.  Is it like the "thought process" of your fans who tried to eat your cotton candy scented CD?

03:06 - Could it be?  Is Snoop gonna put the hurt on Katy's Army with his Gummy Thugs?!

03:26 - Nah.  Katy and her bitches GOT THIS!  COME AT HER, SON!  Also, try and disprove my Anime Fan Boy's Wet Dream theory now, bitches!

03:52 - It is in the moment that the Pot and the general haze of Snoop Dogg's mind faded, and he realized what he had gotten himself into.  He realizes just where his image and his career are at, and just what the name "Snoop D-O-Double G" means these days.  It is a catch phrase.  A curiosity of the past, matched in its ridicule only in its longevity.  Our clown realizes his part in the farce of life, and in it he weeps.  He weeps within, never to let on that his charade is known to his inner eye.  He weeps.


And now, a pleasant, soothing pallet cleanser.

Now that we know what real music is like, I must bid you all adieu for now.  Until next time, let us summon the Jesus Lion to nom Queen Katy to her violent end, and send Snoop back to the drawing board with a dime bag and some of that Dre magic.

1 comment:

BradChristopher said...

ahahahaha! That made me laugh really really hard! Well done, sir. Money speaks I suppose.