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Mike Reyes, aka Mr. Controversy, has considered himself a writer ever since he was a child. He wrote for various school publications from about 1995 until 2006, and currently runs both The Bookish Kind and Mr. Controversy, which is an offshoot of the regular column he wrote in High School. He's also a film journalist/critic for Cocktails & Movies and CinemaBlend, as well as the author of several short stories such as "The Devil v. George W. Bush". Any inquiries for reprinting, writing services, or general contact, should be forwarded to: mikereyeswrites@gmail.com

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Friday, September 21, 2012

The Method to Madness: In Which I Lay Down The Betting Odds on My Own Insanity

Well it's come to this...I'm literally betting against my own sanity.  As all of you who know me have come to learn, I'm not completely sane to begin with.  Between my sick and twisted humor, the amounts of stress and sleep I intake, and those factors measured against the rate of how much stress I actually burn off...I've come to realize I'm fucked.  I'm like two steps away from full on Charlie Manson scat singing madness. 
So, in the name of good humor (and perhaps to make some money off of my impending insanity, I'm throwing up some betting odds.  That's right, it's time to start betting on when I finally lose it!  Now the rules are simple.  We're going to bet on the following factors, brought to you by the trade of journalism:

- First factor is, "Who is going to drive Mike insane?".  I know a wide assortment of people, ranging from the friendliest of the friendly to mortal enemies who stand for totally different ways of life.  One of, if not a cadre of these people, are going to push me to my limits.

The Common Bets:

A coalition of my evil exs/women who've hooked up with me and look upon me in an unfavorable light.
Playground bullies who can't stand me.
A Romney/Ryan/Christie alliance that labels me as a dirty Commie.
- My second factor is "What is going to drive Mike insane?".  This tends to be quite limited when, because there's really only a select amount of triggers that even rile me to the point of mild insanity, much less an even more select few that can bring me to critical mass.

The Common Bets:
George Lucas devotes an entire Opera to the life of Jar Jar Binks.

BO cancels The Newsroom, but lets Girls stay on another season.
I'm strapped into a chair with nothing but a Ludovico treatment of The View, Chelsea Handler, and the Twilight Saga.
- The third factor is "When is Mike going to go insane?".  This is a pretty wide field, and it could be anything from "The moment he posts this article and realizes it's all coming down around him" to "The point senility kicks in when he's brought to the home".  Get creative with it, I'm a random sort of guy.

The Common Bets:
Presidential Election Season
Reunion Season

Wedding Day

- Fourth factor: "Where is Mike going to go insane?".  This is probably the most fun, because I've never really considered the geographical location as a factor for one going insane.  When I think about it, this could really yield some fun picks.

The Common Bets:
Skywalker Ranch

In proximity of the personal residence of Stephanie Meyer

Barnes and Noble, the Self Help section

- Our Fifth Factor: "Why is Mike going insane?".  I'm just going to go ahead and give you the main categories that this will stem from: People issues, Nerd Rage, Politics.  There you go, an easy pick.  Never say I didn't give you anything.

- The final factor, the big enchilada, is, "How is Mike going to go insane?"  Now, this depends on everything else you've picked. The Five W's logically lead to one H, and that H is pre-determined from everything else you've picked.  Imagine if you will the following scenario:

On the morning of my wedding, a cadre of ex-girlfriends and women I've associated with (all of whom do not care for me) decide to rain down upon me an ungodly firestorm of Hell and Strife.  Through their own machinations, they've convinced George Lucas that in order to reach a broader audience with his Star Wars franchise (the only thing he can really do after being creatively paralyzed) by crafting "The Last Temptation of Jar Jar Binks".  This project is an entire opera, written in the Gungan language and sung by none other than Ahmed Best.

After being lured to the Skywalker Ranch with promises of a tour of the archives, a bottle of Skywalker Ranch Merlot, and a private lightsaber tutorial with Samuel L. Jackson; my fate is eventually revealed to me.  In an extreme fit of nerd rage, I begin to claw at the walls, tear the lights out of their fixtures, and hold Mr. Lucas hostage with a prop lightsaber whilst screaming "YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE!" repeatedly.

After about three hours of carrying on like this (because Steven Spielberg paid the cops to let the whole affair go on uninterrupted as "payback for a crystal skullfucking") I am detained peacefully (through promises of a full War Crime tribunal for Mr. Lucas, and a signed copy of "Catch Me If You Can") and rehabilitated in a psychiatric facility on the Universal lot.
Not too hard, is it?  Of course, there's "the big bet".  The one no one will touch, but everyone will be tempted to touch, simply because the odds are so high that the payout will set them up for life (and then some).  That bet?  That I'm not going to go insane at all!  That I'll remain unbalanced, but never bend or break, and somehow live out the remainder of my life with happiness and at an even keel.  Mellow, without stress, easy peasy lemon squeezy.  Personally, I dare you fuckers to take that last bet.  I'll even bet on it myself, and split the winnings 50/50 with you.  Sound good?

Hey kids!  Not so convinced with my scenario, or think you could craft a bigger nightmare for me?  Write up your own "Mike Goes Batshit Insane and Flips Out" story and submit it in the comments below!  Who knows, I might just provide commentary on my favorite entries!

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